Fatigue

"I don't like him."

His friend stared at him, silently pained. "But I love him. He is such an amazing guy. Besides, you've never met him; you don't even know him. All my other friends like him."

"I don't have to meet him to know that I don't like him. He's insecure, possessive, and dangerous. Be careful."

Today he received a phone call from his friend. Listening to her, his heart skipped a couple of beats, as she told him she was moving halfway across the country to escape her lover. He had just beaten her up the night before, and was, presently, in jail. You could hear the pangs of sorrow and regret in her voice. She had tried to defend him to the police - begging them not to arrest him, swearing that he hadn't really hurt her, but they were unpersuaded as they stared at the black and blue marks formed on her body.

You could hear that hope in her voice. You could feel that desire welling up within her to be close to him again. To be back with this man and hold him close again - the emotion fighting to break free from the grasp of her reason and logic.

"I need to move. I'm leaving tomorrow."

"I know. It's ok. You're going to be alright."

As he spoke to her, he felt a sense of pain, anger, and sadness wash over him. Somewhere there was that little person in his head - that person that had predicted all of this so many months ago. He had seen it all unfold before it had begun and had tried desperately to warn his friend before the incident occurred. This miniature man had no desire to condemn with reproaches or any statements of I told you so. He simply wanted to give up and sulk, as he whispered quietly to himself, "I'm so tired of being right."

Detour

"I don't understand why you aren't following your own advice."

"I'm worried I'll be making a mistake."

"You'll be alright, as long as you go with your gut. How often has your gut been wrong?"

"Never. Well there was that one night that I insisted I wanted a third helping ..."

"That's quite a track record. You're always complaining about others not listening to your advice. I think you should seriously consider giving yourself a good stern talking to and follow the path that you know is best for you."

"I don't like that path. It looks rather daunting, scary, and sad."

"No one ever said the right path would look nice and attractive at the outset. It's the right path because of where it leads. Sometimes the paths that are easiest and most inviting are the paths to our own pain and destruction."

"Like the gingerbread house in the fairy tales?"

"Yes, Goldie Locks. Like the gingerbread house."

Getting Personal

"You said what?!"

"Well she was annoying me."

"Man, remind me never to bug you."

"I knew there was no potential of her holding my interest for longer than the conversation anyway."

"The worst part is I know you did it completely matter of factly. You never even lost your composure for a moment. You carried on the whole discussion in a surgical like fashion. The entire experience was almost like a meditation for you."

"Would it be preferable if I lost my temper?"

"Oh, now that would have been exciting. That serene calmness that spreads across you when you're mad can be so unnerving. I swear, it takes an act of God sometimes to get that passionate anger to come out of you anymore. The day you find the woman that raise your ire will be the day I rejoice."

"Oh no you don't. We're not walking down that road this evening."

"Hmmm ... not so impassive on that subject are you?"

"We are so not talking about this."

"Wow. I'm intrigued."

Italy Bound

"I'll go to Europe with you if we can go to Italy."

And thus my trip, with a woman I barely know, was born.

In just a few weeks, I will be enjoying the beauty and splendor that is Italy. That's right, Florence, Venice, Rome, Tuscany, etc. I'll be there. Watch out Italy. I'm going on an extremely limited budget so I'm not entirely sure how much I'll be able to do while I'm there, but I intend to do as many people things as possible.

Of course the unwritten rule applies - what happens in Italy, stays in Italy. Unless, of course, I somehow have sex with a gorgeous supermodel. Then it will stay completely confined to my blog, email, journal, and any other person that will possibly listen.

Playing It Safe

"I don't get it."

"You're not necessarily supposed to.

"When you truly fall in love it will often be the scariest and most exciting times of your life because you are actually risking everything.'"

"Why would one be afraid of falling in love?"

"Well I'm sure everyone, to one extent or another, has certain fears when they get involved with the person they think might be their one true lifelong love - what if they are the wrong one, what if we aren't a good match, will I stay happy, etc. Doubts and fears are natural, to an extent, but they can easily become debilitating. For example, some people have additionally strong fears, which can be brought on by the divorce of the person's parents, abandonment by a parent (or two), hurt in prior relationships, past abuse, etc. For these people, the stakes seem higher because they're short stacked."

"... I sense a metaphor coming."

"It's often easier for people to play the five dollar tables in gambling - stay with the person that could never possibly leave you, get into fundamentally flawed relationships that are doomed to fail, or something that has the net effect of allowing them to avoid the truly intimate relationship that has the most potential of hurting them. Everyone copes with this fear in their own way - everyone has their own tolerance for risk at the casino. Some can play the low stakes tables for the remainder of their days and find true joy and comfort in such an arrangement. However, they will never have as big of a payout (or as big of a loss) as the person playing at the high stakes no limit table where they bet big and they take they house."

"So dating is equivalent to gambling or a slightly absurd version of Ocean's 11?"

"Well ... it is a numbers game."

"So what about the people that confine themselves to the low stakes tables or the cycles of slightly worse than ideal matches in an attempt to 'play it safe', are they confined to that pattern forever?"

"It's all emotion based. Emotions are inherently irrational and when you have a negative developmental history - abuse, abandonment, low self-esteem, etc. - your emotions will often not lead you to the healthy outcomes that your rational side truly craves. Moreover, your emotional side will play tricks on your rational side and convince it that it really is getting what it wants. Psychotherapy is often the process of figuring out why you do what you do and then applying rationality to emotion and allowing your rational side a more powerful position in the choices you make. However, the person actually has to want to do this, and it's usually very rare to find people willing to put forth the effort to make the change. After all, safe is ... well, safe."

"Even if it doesn't lead to the most fulfilling relationship?"

"Emotion is attracted to what it knows. Hence, if you grew up being abused, you will often be attracted to either others you can abuse or people that will abuse you. The person with an overbearing parent may, in turn, become overbearing to their significant other or children or both. (We are often products of our parents.) The dynamic that is created will be what the person is used to, and so will be felt as familiar and safe. (This all occurs on an unconscious level and the person is usually never aware of what they are doing.) No one ever said emotions made sense."

"That's crazy."

"Yes, I suppose it is. The interesting thing about psychology is that no matter what you think of your actions and your behavior, you are right. The alcoholic that believes their drinking isn't a problem, the person in the hopelessly flawed relationship who sees it as love, the abusive person that sees nothing wrong with the three scars he just left, they are all right. It is rare that anyone can ever tell you what you are doing is wrong because the emotions will defend you against all rationality. This is why the adage exists that 'admission is the first step'. For without it, all you really have are avoidance and denial."

Catching Up

I know. I know. I haven't been posting. My life has just been rather ... intense, as of late. I've been changing cell phones and, consequently, updating everyone in my address book on my new number. I've been fretting over some of my friends and enjoying as much time as possible with them. I've been attempting to plan a trip for next month to Scottsdale, Arizona and the Grand Canyon, and I believe I have finally located at least one other person to accompany me to Europe. Somewhere in the midst of all of this, I've been spending time with my little brother, continuing to learn salsa, and working. You remember, I have a job.

I know, it's really no excuse for not writing. However, I really have been writing. It's just everything I have had to say as of late has belonged in my private journal, password protected and hidden away. The thoughts swirling through my head are simply not for public consumption. So instead, I will now attempt to talk about some random topic that's been kicking around in my head for over a week now with no real direction.

It has recently become apparent to me that I do not update my friendship designations very frequently. For example, if I form a best friend at one point in my life, in my mind, they remain my best friend indefinitely, unless and until they at some point cease to be my friend at all. Some have suggested that this causes immense confusion, as I always seem to have ten best friends at any given moment, which seems a little ludicrous. Even I don't think I have the time that would need to be invested in that many close relationships. I think part of the "problem" is that I tend to form very close and intimate relationships with people in my life. I end up knowing a couple hundred, but become close to just a few. The few that I remain close to are always very special.

The people I consider my best friends are still there for me whenever I need them. I have few friends that won't call me back the same day. Even the ones that live in foreign countries and are sometimes in isolated areas, lacking such luxuries as running water, will usually get back to me within a week. I think that commitment is part of what makes us all friends - we are all fully committed to the friendship and will always be there whenever the other one needs something. However, there is no denying that over time, mostly as a result of people scattering to different regions of the globe, I have grown apart from some of my closest friends. We no longer get to speak every day, or even every month. However, I know if I am ever in need they will be there, and we all try to keep up on one another's lives as much as possible.

How does one classify people like that? I can't just call them "friends" because I have many "friends" that I could never count on that way. Perhaps I need to invent a new classification system. Adding such designations as "close friend" and "acquaintance", but then I'll just be confusing myself, and potentially everyone else. Every day I would need to remind myself of what I had classified this certain person as the week before. Perhaps one should just classify such people as "true friends".

"People say that friends hold hands, but true friends don't need to, because they know that the other hand is always there."

Peering In

Stephanie will often come up with a gem, or something that reaffirms to me that perhaps, just maybe, there are other people out there that actually think about things.

"On some level I suppose that's why make-up sex can get so hot, especially when it starts before you've actually made up. Or more importantly, why so many of us stick around in the wrong relationships. We're hoping our partner might soften to us, might hopefully change. We know better, certainly, but we ignore our heads and follow our hearts... into heartbreak."

I have several female friends caught in this pattern. They've been doing it for years, through multiple relationships, and I suppose that by now it's become old hat and familiar. I'm not even sure if they would know what to do in any other type of relationship anymore. One of my friends recently explained to me how her entire relationship was ridiculous and said that she needed to move on and begin anew. The next day she came to me rather excitedly, "He's coming to visit me!"

"This is the guy you thought you should move on from, right?"

"Well yeah, but I would be lonely this weekend anyway."

"And am I to believe that being alone is a fate worse than being with the wrong person?"

It's a question that would be pointless to ask because as smart and rational as she is, she's still a fool for love. She wants it; wants it so bad she can taste it and for whatever reason, wants it from this man in particular. I can hear the familiar refrain in my head as I type, "If you only saw him the way I do." Yes, if only I could see him in the irrational light you have him glowing in, I'm sure it would be amazing.

However, it would be unfair to my friend to say that she is alone in her pursuit. Some of the most accomplished and intelligent women I have known through my life fall into this cycle. "A person's level of intelligence bears no real relation to their behavior. Abusive people can be nuclear physicists." Something so obvious and so true and yet I have to pay her for this insight.

Working It

It is sometimes difficult for me to blog. Not because I lack things to say but more because I lack the things to say that are appropriate for this forum. I have filled pages (of the virtual variety) of my journal over the past week with thoughts and musings that simply could not survive out in the wild that is the blogosphere. As such, I will talk about some musing that I had as a result of a comment left on my blog.

I always thought therapy would be like a magic pill. You simply would go to the doctor's office and allow them to untangle the mess that had been created in your mind. Not that it would be absolutely painless, of course, but more like having your tonsils out - a one time procedure with some lingering pain that is easily comforted by ice cream. You might have to do something for it like not eat for 24 hours before the procedure, or ice the soreness afterward, but it would be quickly over with.

Over time, I have realized that therapy is far more like an elective procedure and that most of the work is actually performed by you, with the therapist sitting and waiting on the sidelines. On some level, I'm sure they hope that you sort it out, but on another, they probably have gotten to the point where they just don't care. Of course, they would like to see everyone make a full recovery and of course, they would like to feel that they are successful. However, success and failure in medicine is often determined by the patients you get. This is true in most medical fields I would think. For example, if you are a surgeon and only work with "hopeless" cases, you're far more likely to have a low success rate.

However, unlike surgery, the therapy patient has far more control over how far they are going to get and when they are going to get there. When you are operating to remove the bullet seated near the heart, you don't often have the patient there refusing to allow its extraction. The surgery happens as a matter of course. When you have someone dealing with a mental issue that is affecting and disrupting their life, there is very little you can do to aid the person unless they let you. Even if they allow you to assist, they still have to be willing to follow your prescription.

At times, I have grown extremely frustrated with my therapy, as I feel like nothing is getting accomplished. That I simply go in and tell them about my week but never work on any of the substantive issues underlying all of the interactions. When I finally express this frustration to my psychologists, they have always pointed out that this is what I like to do. "You enjoy coming in and talking and sharing a few laughs. I have nothing against it either, as I will get paid either way. If you happen to feel the happenings of your life are the most important things you have to share with me, then by all means, do so. However, the day you wish to actually focus on an issue affecting your life is the day you will actually grow and get your money's worth. Even an alcoholic has to admit that they have a problem before any steps can be taken to cure or manage it. I am not here to make you work; I am here to help you work."

Observations in Dating

"How have you been?"

It's always an interesting question and, to an extent, many of the people that ask it get a different level of honesty when I respond. The full honesty generally belongs in the emails to my closest friends or in my journal. However, I occasionally get to verbalize it to someone that I know will provide some of the best feedback and that's always one of my scariest and most enjoyable times.

The concern with expressing your feelings and thoughts to someone who's opinion you truly value, of course, is that they may disagree with you, or they may think you've lost your mind and that you might as well be describing the purple elephants you saw the other day in your back yard, as the person knows you don't even have a back yard. However, there's also the potential that the person will agree with you, smile, and nod, saying, "I think you're on the right track."

I experienced this recently at my psychologist's office. When you pay for the feedback and they're a licensed professional, it somehow makes it all that more valuable - even if your closest friends have already said the same thing. Months ago, as we began to chart my prior relationships, she had me make a list of every woman I had ever dated, and provide the reasons I had been attracted to each one of them and the reasons I had been repelled from them. This had seemed like an absolute waste of time when she gave me the assignment. What the heck was a list going to show me? (I have since learned that lists of all sorts are great because once you've written it, it's hard to ignore it. List the pros and cons of a decision. List what you need and your priorities. Listing and writing can be great ways to get to the heart of things. I guess that's one of the reasons lots of companies have mission statements.)

So there I sat, compiling my list, thinking to myself, "This is an absolute waste of time and it's getting me no where. Why doesn't this woman just give me the darn answer and leave me alone?" The reason, of course, is that she didn't have the answer, I did, and three quarters of the way through the list, I saw it. Every woman I had been with had been different. Different hair color, different personality, different careers, different level of charisma, different different different. However, the dynamic in every single relationship had been exactly the same. The reasons for my entering and, more importantly, the reasons for the relationship not lasting had all been very similar, if not exactly the same. "Wow." I felt so accomplished and scared and confused. "What the hell was I doing?"

Now, perhaps a year later, we discuss it some more and I provide her with my reflections on how I now view my life and how I think about relationships when I enter them. (I use examples of real life relationships and people that I know to provide examples of what I mean when I talk to her, but will not do so here so some things may be lost in the translation.) I'm starting to see exactly what I would want in a relationship, and I'm starting to see it as a best friendship, but maybe with some added flavor. I now see relationships as two people with lives coming together. Each person has their own activities, friends, family and other things, and it's not a matter of the people then abandoning this identity to be in the relationship - forsaking a hobby, friends, family, or their career for the other person. It's about being with someone that can be your best friend and support, and sometimes share, in these things that are important to us.

In many relationships, I frequently see the two people hanging out and doing things that they perhaps really do not want to do. One or both of the parties is so frequently trying to please the other, and sacrificing their own needs and identity in the process. I dated a girl that did that and she was miserable after a year because she felt no matter what she did, she could never make me happy. She never understood that I wanted her to just do whatever she wanted to do - "Don't go changing to try and please me". If you are happy, I will be happy for you. The friends that I have who are in truly happy and amazing relationships always have the same answer to this observation. They describe their time together as effortless like when you are with your best friend. You are able to hang out anywhere together and have a good time. (This is not to say that there is no effort put into the relationship. Just as there is effort put into the closest friendships you have, you often do not see it as effort or a sacrifice.)

Often to accomplish this the two people, again, must have commonalities, just like in a friendship. Overall, the two people keep their separate lives but have certain commonalities and such that integrate with one another, making time together occur naturally (not forced). For example, I love bookstores and spend hours in bookstores or listening to music or doing simple boring stuff (like people watching) that many other people wouldn't care about. I have best friends that share in my complete boringness and I love our time together. I like going out with my friends sometimes too, but over the years, I've become more low key when I go out and I love relaxing nights. I like my down time, and I like being with someone that shares in that.

My therapist, way back when, had wanted to know why I didn't correlate friendships with relationships - why I separated them in my mind as mutually exclusive categories. My closest friends in relationships that I just find extraordinary - the ones that seemingly exist with practically no effort and no fighting - had always told me that it was about friendship more than anything. It was about being with that person where all of it occurred naturally. Where you were able to maintain your identity and still add to it. I guess I am now really starting to grasp this concept. You really need to be with your best friend in a relationship, and I imagine that as hard as it is to find a best friend, so too is it hard to find that special someone. However, from all I have observed, once found, it is totally worth it.

Taking Time

In my life, I have known so many people that have trouble prioritizing their lives and lack any sort of realistic approach to the number of hours in a day. Day to day they are constantly on the move, trying to accomplish everything that everyone expects of them. They want to do it all - to be all things to all people. Their friends, family, lovers, and all the rest. It's admirable, but somehow in all of that sea of swiftness, they forsake the time that they used to take for themselves.

One person I know did this for years, and then one day she got very sick and almost died. Everyone that I have ever met that has almost died has a completely different perspective on life than everyone that hasn't. She now took time for the most simple things - enjoying a sunrise, relaxing, and taking time for herself. "God wanted me to slow down."

When I was the one running around and trying to accomplish everything under the sun in a day, I would sometimes make myself sick. She would always look at me and repeat her familiar refrain, "Well what did you expect? God wants you to take a break. You aren't really going to win the argument."

"But I like doing all of these things. They are important to me."

"When did you stop being important to you? You need a break. You need your downtime and your time for personal reflection. Do you think it's any wonder Europeans are, as a whole, healthier than us? Vienna waits for you." You can pretty much convince me of anything if you have a Billy Joel song to support your point.

"But it's not like I don't want to do these things."

"No one is doubting your sincerity or your passion for your commitments or your friends. However, your priorities need a little work. You have to remember that your needs should come in on that list higher than they seem to be falling. Being there for others is very important, but being there for yourself is often more important. It's alright, you can afford to lose a day or two."

In my life, I have learned that time is the most valuable commodity we all have, and choosing how we spend that time is perhaps one of the most difficult balancing acts ever - with friends, interests, lovers, family, work, and a million of other things drawing on us. We often instinctively want to do it all - to be all things to all people, but as Aunt Mae said in Spider-Man, "You aren't Superman, you know." Any time you pick up another activity, another interest, another friend, job, lover, whatever, you are drawing from the most finite resource you have, and this should never be done to the detriment of yourself. You have to make sure there is enough you time at the end of the day. Figuring out the things that are most important in your life and making sure your needs are being met are very key to the entire process of living.

A Good Way to Clear the Mind

I had to attend an all day seminar. I enjoy seminars as they help imbue my mind with new and current knowledge regarding the areas of the law I have to deal with every day. However, they can also be quite painful when they are an eight hour barrage of knowledge flowing into your head.

Fortunately, in-between the portions of the seminar that were extremely relevant for me, there were others regarding completely irrelevant topics to me. It was during these times that I would walk out and stare at this gorgeous view.

There are many reasons I have to dislike Florida. However, never being farther than a ten minute drive from my home to a view like this is definitely not one them.

Evaluating Relationships

At one point in my life, a friend conveyed to me something I felt was truly insightful, "Love is an action, not an emotion."*

She went on to explain that she felt people can say that they love you, care about you, appreciate you, or words to that effect, and that those words were great, but if the speaker's actions do not comport with such statements then they really don't mean it. Actions speak much louder than words.

She used the following illustration. Her mother used to say things that hurt and upset her father. Her mom wasn't aware that she was doing it, she merely thought she was talking. When she found out how much it hurt him, she stopped because she loved him and we don't want to hurt those we love and care for. This scenario was similar to times she and I had unwittingly hurt one another. We aren't perfect and we all make mistakes and sometimes people's feelings will get hurt. However, upon recognition of those hurt feelings, amends were quickly made.

I began to think about this and how it applied to so many things in my life, past and present. She was effectively saying something that I had always advocated and believed but in a completely different way than I had ever heard. She always had the ability to shine a new light on an old concept and view things in a way many others had not thought of.

After some further thought, it reminded me of some of the most straightforward advice on relationships I have ever heard. "This advice should go with all your relationships. You should define what you want out of that relationship, not the other way around. If you are not in control of the situation, then you need to be. You should not be forced to hang out with anyone if it is not on mutual terms. Be strong and assertive." This perspective is not easy to impart to others when they most need it, as they often cannot see the forest for the trees. When you get into a situation, it is often hard to gain that detached perspective that is one of the most valuable things in making a healthy decision.

I had a friend in law school who was with someone that truly didn't respect her, and as much as her friends tried to tell her and as many words of wisdom as her therapist provided to her regarding the dangers, she walked further down the path. She was too busy making excuses for him rather than listening to the words of caution and concern coming to her. The most dangerous sign in a relationship, I have found, is when you begin making excuses for the other person's behavior. (This is different from understanding the other person's point of view, but the difference is sometimes difficult to discern in the beginning.)

* I am told that this sentiment can also be found upon a review of the verses in 1 Corinthians 13 (describing what "love is..."). When God defines love, he describes the way a loving person should behave, not the way it should feel.

No, That's Not Just a Line

"You seem so fulfilled and happy."

"I am." It felt weird hearing those words come from my mouth, almost as weird as when she crystallized my feelings into a single statement. I had spent so long looking for the right woman, the right relationship, the right connection. I had spent so much of my time trying to make things work, hoping for people to change, hoping for the light at the end of the tunnel. Battling and fighting, and then, it was done. In the blink of an eye, the cup was removed from me and everything changed.

I now have some really cool and amazing friends that I can talk to and hang out with. I don't have to worry about anything. I get to devote myself to my friends, my career, my volunteering, my hobbies, and anything else I so choose. I don't feel like my life is overrun by anyone because the people I spend my time with are exactly the people I want to spend my time with. I finally seem to be erecting a life for myself where I am that is comfortable for me.

Beyond the concept of being "fulfilled", I still cannot for the life of me explain how I feel and how I have felt for the past week, or how it continues to just get better and better. I cannot explain why it happened when it happened. I cannot explain my overwhelming feeling that all of this is happening with some grand design in mind. I simply remember being at the very end of my rope and asking for help and watching it come more quickly and powerfully than I had ever imagined possible.

"I feel as though I spent too much time working on too many things that I thought I was supposed to have or supposed to want and never took the time to enjoy and savor the things I do have. I never took the time to relish in just being happy. I kept forgetting that I could be happy alone. I would stay single for a little while and quickly forget that I could be happy with just me and no one else and that that was ok."

"Something tells me you won't be alone for very much longer."

"Why not?"

"Because you sound happy and fulfilled and that's usually just about the time some woman comes in to ruin everything."

"Well best of luck to them because I am in absolutely no rush to get involved with anyone."

Lovers and Friends

"For what it's worth, my father used to tell me that it's harder to find a good friend than a girlfriend. I'm pretty sure the man was onto something."

"I never understood my friends that would sacrifice friendships for their significant other. Why would anyone date someone who has a problem with their friends, regardless of the friend's gender or sexual orientation?"

I am often fascinated to hear these statements fall from the mouths of the people in my life that have the most successful relationships. Sometimes I will see people turn their backs on friends with the excuse of, "I'm building my life with this person" or something about how ties with past must be severed - to placate some sort of insecurity their mate has with someone. Sometimes there are mutual insecurities, both people too nervous that they cannot hold onto the other one.

"In my opinion, that's just ridiculous. If you honestly think the person you are with would cheat on you, why the hell are you with them? Not to mention that if you have no reason to think that the two of them are doing anything, then it sounds like it's more your problem than the other person's. If they were to actually placate this need of yours (continuously assuring you that noting is happening or actually severing the friendship) they are only enabling you. In either event, no one should decide whether to end any sort of relationship based upon what other people think or feel. You should base it upon your analysis of whether you are getting what you need out of the relationship."

There must be something to this concept, or something in the water, as my friends seem to be saying similar things on this subject. As I looked at my life in retrospect, I found it very hard to argue. My friends were always there for me, before and after every relationship, during every fight, and at all of the special moments. They were there to keep me on track, guide me when needed, and help turn my days and nights into experiences that I will never forget. They provided me with honesty when the thing I wanted to do most was hide.

I remember I had a girlfriend in college that could not stand that I would go visit other friends of the female persuasion. I'd even invite her along because it was such a big deal to her, but she'd refuse and throw a jealous fit. It was cute in the beginning, but so was Britney. Over time, it became impossible for me to tolerate. I couldn't stand the fact that every time I wanted to hang out with my friends, I had to deal with the same crap.

My belief is that much of this was owing to the fact that we were both young, and perhaps many great follies can be blamed on our youth. I know I made more than my fair share, including my willingness to constantly provide her with reassurances. My hope is that over time she was able to let go of much of that jealousy. However, I question whether that is the case, as I still know so many people my age (and older) caught in the same vicious circle. (In fact, I truly wonder about the potential comments I will get to this post, which is why I hesitated in posting it, but fuck it.) I remember having one friend with a very jealous spouse explain to me, "He thinks I'm sleeping with you. If he only knew the only reason I've stayed together with him this long is because of your ability to talk me down off the ledge."

"In my practice, I see this frequently. We always encourage people to maintain friendships outside of the relationship, as it is so often an important element to a successful relationship. However, people do what they feel they need to at the time."

Shades of Gray

Over the years, things have become less and less black and white for me. There was a time, not too long ago, where I could much more easily lash out at people for just being morons. However, the more I have learned and experienced, the more difficult it becomes for me. This is not to say that I don't still do it. I do. In fact, I do it frequently. And I love to watch others do it, especially when they are able to do it with Comedy - people like Sam Kinison, Lewis Black, Jon Stewart, Steven Colbert, and Carlos Mencia (among many others) amuse me immensely.

Oftentimes, however, I am reduced to thinking of so many things as a matter of perspective. The people with varying religious viewpoints, the people that hate attorneys, the people that battle addictions, and the people that stay in failed relationships, I view with less of a judgmental eye. To an extent, this has always been the case, as I have always tried to look at things from the other person's perspective and understand their point of view; not necessarily agree with them, but at least understand their perspective.

It used to be more difficult for me to accept things as they were. I wanted to fix, improve, and help to change and mold. At times, the entire desire could be just a tiny bit overwhelming. I wanted to shake the girl and tell her to snap out of it, and that he was terrible for her. However, I learned that she is happy enough with him to stay, and that if she truly wasn't, she would leave. I wanted to tell certain religious people that they needed to recognize that they are trying to impose their views upon others, and that mandating beliefs through legislation is not very nice. Now I see that their hearts are often in the right place. I have found that religious differences can be debilitating and can open people up to being judgmental, harsh, and mean. However, the people doing these acts do not consider themselves mean. It's all a matter of perspective.

This doesn't mean that somewhere deep inside of me there isn't often a deep bellowing. A powerful and exacting desire to lash out at certain groups, leaders, and people. To tell them that they have lost their damned minds and need to get over themselves. Many times this message is delivered. However, it's delivery now often emerges with the realistic acceptance that the recipient will likely not hear or understand what I have to say, and that my words have only the slightest chance of having any life altering impact upon them, and that this is ok.

The overarching theme that I have learned is that all you can really ever change is yourself, and all you can ever decide is what is right for you, not for others. The best one can really ever hope for is to plant a seed and hope it grows. Wait and hope, the best advice ever offered by one of my favorite literary characters.

Define Yourself

"You can't just stay home and read. You need to go out," she explained. "It's fine if I don't go out because I'm young but you're old and need to find someone quick." She was searching for the chink in my armor - a place to stab her small dagger and place it gingerly, not wanting to hurt me, merely cause me mild discomfort.

It all related back to a portion of the conversation we had earlier regarding my mental exploration with my trained professional. "You seem to be defining yourself based upon your successes and failures in relationships, and you shouldn't. The people that you have been in relationships with, from what I know of you and from what you've told me, were often either not ready for a relationship to begin with or not good fits for you anyway. You shouldn't gauge the quality of person you are based upon whether or not you have a relationship."

When I tell people I am single, I am greeted by exactly two different reactions - men are envious and women are convinced that I need to immediately settle down. They stare at me with an askance judgmental gaze, attempting to see if they can discern what is wrong with me with their powerful skills of observation, settling on the belief that I just must not really want to settle down if I'm still single, or that I must be a hideously terrible person to be with, and that in either event it is a condition that should be cured as quickly as possible.

Rationally, I know what my therapist is saying is true. One does not have to look very far to see how hard it is for many people to find love. All one need do is take a look at all of the books and articles being published monthly regarding it, or examine the growing number of dating sites being created, with their monster subscription base. People are desperate in their search to find that person - the one they were promised in their childhoods and will do everything in their power to find them.

However, the search would appear to only be half the battle. If one is impressed with the number of materials made available at a slight fee for meeting the right mate, one should be positively awe struck with the number available for those experiencing relationship woes. I saw one of my friends from law school at the court house last week. She informed me that she was now handling divorce matters. The conversation continued and I asked if she was engaged yet. She laughed and said, "Hell no. I don't want to get a divorce."

Despite my knowing that my therapist is correct and that my measure of self-worth cannot be dependent upon my level of success in relationships and love, at times it very easy for me to forget such things, as I am so often surrounded by people that do exactly that. "It is ok if you want to be single for the rest of your life. It doesn't matter. All that matters is that you are happy with your decision."

Don't Ask; Don't Tell

"Well, she's been sleeping with someone else."

"What!?"

"Yeah. Well actually, the guy she was having an affair with, recently ended it."

"He ended it?!"

"Yeah, but you can't tell her husband about it."

"But he's my best friend."

"Yeah, but she's mine."

"Wow, this is complicated."

Over time, I have known a lot of people that cheated on their significant others. Generally, I have no conflict of interest, as I am friends with only one of them - the one doing the cheating. However, there is the potential for a conflict if ever I am friends with both of the people in the relationship, and I learn that one of them is cheating, or I find out that the other person is cheating on my friend. The scenario is frequent in the movies - where the guy the woman is dating, the one no one can stand, turns out to be cheating on her too.

The question then becomes, "What do you do?"

If you tell your friend, you quite likely will alienate your friend, as they are not likely to believe you, without photograph evidence, or the smoking ... contraceptive, if you will. If you don't tell your friend, you're living a lie and keeping something from your friend, but who may not be your friend if you were to tell. If your friends with both people, it gets even stickier. If you were their attorney, you would simply refer them elsewhere, as you would be conflicted out, but as their friend, you don't necessarily have that luxury.

"Why would she even tell you that? Doesn't she see that it puts you in an incredibly awkward position?"

"I find that many women are not as considerate or as nice as the movies attempt to depict them. Often we are taught to expect and believe that women are simply naturally more considerate and caring. However, I often experience that they simply think this about themselves and frequently miss the mark."

"Yeah, you do have some good stories."

"They're only good when they aren't your life."

Getting Drilled

It's been a while since I blogged. However, nowhere near as long as the last time I saw a dentist.

For many years, I wasn't covered by any insurance, and I could barely afford the mere cost of education, let alone any luxuries like a car or medical insurance. (I actually couldn't even afford a car with air conditioning until after I had gotten my first job after law school, making for some truly interesting interviews.) As such, many of my basic needs went unmet for years. In fact, yesterday was my first time back in a dentist's office in over twelve years. (Mind you, my job does not cover my dental insurance. In fact, I have never worked for a firm that did.)

Overall, he said that my mouth was really impressive for someone that hadn't seen a dentist in so long. However, I still have six cavities! I had only ever had one growing up, and now I suddenly had six! Plus, my memory of my first cavity is not a very pleasant one - as the doctor must have numbed the wrong nerve and I felt every single ounce of pain associated with the entire process. Most unpleasant.

However, my lack of writing has nothing to do with the dentist, and more to do with the fact that I feel like my inner-blogger has been zapped with novacaine. Every time I sit down to write something or even attempt to think of a topic, my mind sits blank. I can't even write in my journal. It's a little ridiculous, and I have no idea what is causing it. All that I know is that it better stop soon because it's driving me absolutely insane.

Loss

"I lost a cat once."

"Oh God."

"I loved that cat."

"You hate cats."

"Can you blame me; it ruined me for all others."

"I can't believe you're drawing this comparison."

"Mark Twain said, 'The Impartial Friend: Death, the only immortal who treats us all alike, whose pity and whose peace and whose refuge are for all--the soiled and the pure, the rich and the poor, the loved and the unloved.'"

"Now Twain knew a thing or two about death, having lost his father-in-law, a family friend, his wife, his son, and two of his three daughters."

"Makes the loss of my cat sound silly."

"It doesn't seem fair that some people have to experience so much loss in their lives while others go on swimmingly. That a man has to watch the majority of his family die before he does or that a new born child loses his mother before he ever gets to know her. Death doesn't just touch the one person but everyone that they have contact with. It's like a blanket with a hole in it."

"No one ever said life was fair."

"My godmother died when I was younger. I suppose that may not be a big deal to some, but I actually loved my godmother, and her death was just so sudden. I had just seen her that morning and she was fine. Later that night she was hospitalized, and a few days later, she was dead. I never even got to say goodbye."

"Perhaps it's not about saying goodbye that's the most important. Maybe it's the enjoying them while they are here that is most important. The memories and experiences that you both shared are things that will pass on into the future, so long as you remember them and share them with others. Sure some people will write amazing things like Tom Sawyer or Symphony No. 9 or have impressive monuments built in their memory. However, for most of us, it is through others' memories of us that we, in a sense, achieve immortality."

"It sucks to have to say goodbye."

"Of course it does, but it would have sucked even more if you had never met that person and enjoyed their company and savored those moments that touched, shaped, and bettered your life. We are all going to die, every single one of us, but that shouldn't mean that we live in fear as a result. Instead, it should inspire us to live every moment of every day as though it could be our last, and to create memories and share times with the people that are closest to us. It is rare that I hear anyone, at the end of their lives, say, 'I wish I had worked more.'"

"It doesn't make us miss any less."

"No, in fact if they have done their job right, you'll miss them all the more, but that also means that you had some amazing times together and that you will carry them with you forever. Through you, they live."

Moving Day

My friend is moving. She's trying to allocate her life to boxes and relocate it to a more suitable geographic location. Unfortunately, her life does not seem to want to fit into her small geometrical containers and seems to be fighting her at every turn, like a cat being placed into a bath. Complicating matters further, she is not convinced that her destination is more suitable, and she is instead being dragged kicking a screaming to the new location.

Our lives begin simply enough - we start out with a room (those of us that have families that can afford us such a degree of space). Our entire lives are contained in that room. However, over time, our room expands, and grows into an apartment, a condo, or a house. Suddenly our lives sprawl about multiple rooms, and we are left wondering both how we got to have so much space and why there isn't enough space for everything.

Unfortunately for my friend, our lives and the things that we accumulate are never quite confined to the room we begin with or its many descendants, as we are more than a collection of items. We are a collection of thoughts, memories, friendships, interactions, and hundreds of other intangibles that cannot and will not be boxed and transplanted like a common potted plant.

We separate from that which we know for that which is unknown, and rarely is the unknown any less scary than where we are. We leave behind the bonds and friendships that we have spent so much time forming, and which we fear we may never experience again. We fear what the future holds and if we will be equipped to handle it, and sometimes more than anything, we sit annoyed at the concept of having to rebuild and begin again, almost with nothing to show for it but all the stuff that's being packed away in boxes. The memories will travel with her, some of the friends will remain in-touch, with emails and phone calls, but the shared experiences and face-to-face interactions will be lacking, and will be missed on all sides.

It reminds me of my best friend in law school who decided that she was going off to study tax law, and as I wished her luck, she stared at me and said, "Oh no you don't; you're coming with me."

Blinded by the Light

A solar eclipse is a rare event indeed but no more rare than when I have every single one of my friends express their excitement and joy at the prospect of me never speaking to another friend again. It makes you start to wonder how much they have been holding back all of that time, and it makes me almost feel sympathy for them, as I have been that person. The person waiting and hoping that the other will wake the hell up and end the madness sooner rather than later.

Something that I have often noticed is that friends do not really dislike these other people for any reason other than the fact that they cause chaos and sadness in your life. If one day the other person woke up, changed and became an entirely different person (which is often what you have been hoping for this whole time anyway, let's face it) and stopped hurting and upsetting you, your friends would likely be hunky dory with them. It is often not the other person that they dislike, but instead, the witnessing of their friend's pain and turmoil that they cannot stand. Often the two are inseparable, however.

No one likes to see their friends or anyone else that they love suffer, and they often wish that they could impart the magic words or advice that will help their friend avoid the accident that they see looming ahead. You can see them sitting there, thinking to themselves, "They should really just take the local roads because the interstate is backed up." Unfortunately, many people often need to drive the routes for themselves to truly understand what is looming ahead, and even some of the greatest words of wisdom will not be fully understood until the person finally gets stuck in traffic. It is an unfortunate state of affairs, as often some of the best advice we are offered, we simply cannot accept in the spirit that it is given.

Sometimes the person attempting to provide this insight and wisdom will become too distracted from their own driving, in their attempt to help another, and will cause an accident of their own. They forget to keep their eyes on the road, and neglect the most crucial advice ever provided. The only thing that we can ever do in these situations is wait and hope. After all, one of those very people that all of my friends hated is now one of my best friends today.

Herman

I probably found this photo entirely too amusing, but this is Herman, the largest bunny I have ever seen in my life.

Checking It Twice

"There's a balance to be struck between your list of qualifications and reality."

"I spent a lot of time constructing my list."

"Yes, I know, and how proud you must be of it too. However, someone else shaped reality and they didn't really give a damn about your stupid list."

"No need to be testy about the whole thing. You want a cookie?"

"Your list is nothing more than a set of criteria you are looking for. You likely will never get someone that satisfies all of it. You really want someone that satisfies the major factors you are looking for."

"How will I -"

"Because the key factors should be the ones that overlap with a best friend. Granted there is more to a romantic relationship than friendship - there needs to be some attraction and passion, but needs and circumstances are going to change over time, and without the basic fundamental things that cement the relationship, which will often be the same things that form the foundation of your closest friendships, the relationship does not stand as good of a chance of actually lasting over time."

"Are you sure you don't want a cookie?"

"Will you forget the damn cookie?"

"I really think you would like the cookie."

*Rolls eyes* "Too often I have found people marry or date for the completely wrong reasons, and then when things go wrong, they just can't understand what happened, and what happened is that they didn't marry their best friend. They married something less than that. Maybe because the other person fit all of these other qualifications that they thought they wanted or needed that week - fat, thin, short, tall, sex, whatever. Granted, these are all things that one might look for in a partner, but they don't outline the basic fundamental ingredients of what they needed."

"It's like making a cookie with no sugar."

"God I pity the woman that ends up with you."

"She doesn't exist."

"What a waste of perfectly good cookie making abilities."

"No kidding."

"You often have emphasized the wrong things, in my opinion, in your pursuit of your next girlfriend. I will grant you that the dating pool sucks quite a bit and that the entire process can, at times, be completely disheartening. However, I think it's important that you keep your priorities in order during the course of your search, and at least form realistic ideas of the different women you will encounter."

"I'm not looking."

"Well then she will find you."

The Wrong Kind of Wrong

She had invited me to meet her for a drink. The thought hadn't seemed like an entirely good idea, as I wasn't sure I had any desire to ever see this person again. It's not that she is a bad person; I just didn't recall particularly enjoying her company, and I knew she wanted to get back together with me (if you can consider a week as "together"). I wasn't convinced that was a good idea. Besides, my day had also been particularly bad and it seemed that this activity could either make it a little bit better of monumentally worse.

So I went. Yes, I know that doesn't seem to make a lot of sense given my logical reasoning. However, I had to go. I had to go because no matter how much some of my friends seem to feel that I'm comfortable not being in a relationship, I'm really not and sometimes (particularly on really bad days) my desire to share my life with someone else becomes particularly heightened. Unfortunately, I'm never able to lower my standards or whore myself out for a drink or six.

I sat down and immediately felt uncomfortable. I didn't want to be there. I knew I didn't want to be there, but somehow I had to find a way to sit there and locate the words to explain to this person that I just wanted to be friends, except I didn't want to be friends. If I'm going to be friends with someone, I have to actually enjoy their company and care about what they think, say, and do. I didn't care about anything coming out of this woman's mouth. I desperately wanted to find a way to disappear - perhaps become invisible and slide out through the door. Maybe she would need to use the restroom and I would be gone before her return.

The more uncomfortable I became, the more I needed a drink because I needed to do something, anything to dull my complete sense of displeasure. It's these encounters more than anything that reaffirm to me exactly what and who I want, and have only the effect of depressing me further as I realize she is not there. Suddenly things become melancholy and a drink seems like the only logical solution (escape). It's also encounters like these that reaffirm to me my newest revelation - there is something worse than not dating anyone - dating the wrong person.

North Korea

Last week, I awoke to the sound of a news report explaining that North Korea had fueled a long range missile and that they may fire it at the United States. If you don't think that's enough to wake me up, you would be mistaken. My immediate thought, other than, should I really go to work given that World War III could be just around the corner was, why the hell isn't this a major news story - why is this the first I'm hearing about it and why haven't I heard about this before the actual fueling of the missile.

When we were gearing up the nation for the war on Iraq, I couldn't go anywhere without hearing people speculate about weapons of mass destruction (WMDs). Now we have a crazy guy with a long range missile, who has stated that he will fire it at the United States, and nothing. Nothing! Eventually, I found some news wires regarding the subject on the Internet, and I learned that our government was going to approach this situation with diplomacy. What?! Since when did we become advocates of diplomacy?

We attacked a country when we didn't even know if they had any weapons it could use against us, and now we want to practice the art of negotiation with a country led by a crazy guy that we are sure has nuclear weapons and that doesn't seem afraid to use them? How arbitrary and illogical is that? Then North Korea fired six or seven missiles the other day and what was the response? People talked about a resolution condemning the action. Are you kidding?

North Korea really has nothing to lose, as it has no real economy other than bombs. So really if it could start a war, business would be booming ... so to speak. The fact that we do not seem to be doing anything other than standing around saying, "Don't do that. Stop. No." seems absolutely crazy to me, given our track record of bombing people that we even suspect of having weapons that could kill us. This is not to say that we should go to war with them. I think war is an incredibly costly endeavor, both with respect to environmental, human, and monetary resources. We could probably get equally good or better results with aid and relief.

Yes, that may sound incredibly stupid - give the crazy bomb people money, the terrorists will have won. However, if the global community recognizes that in certain situations, providing relief to countries that have no real income source other than bomb making and arms trading is a less costly solution, we may actually save lives and money.

Change for Me

"I refuse to date another woman that I care about."

"Oh Jeez. You've lost your mind again. I warned you about doing that."

"I haven't lost my mind. I'm just tired of getting hurt. I think it's better to be with someone I just mildly enjoy than someone I actually love. I seem to perform much better in those relationships."

"You're not letting this one go are you?"

"I think women should all have that Fox Mulder poster hanging in their rooms - 'I Want To Believe'. They all seem to wander around desperately hoping that the man they have fallen for will somehow change, act differently, appreciate them more, stop hitting them, drink less, buy them flowers, spend more time with them, want to do the dishes, etc. Meanwhile the men they find that actually meet these qualifications, just 'aren't a good fit' or are 'too easy'."

"Wow. You even worked an X-Files reference into your theory. This is fantastic. You could become a monk."

"It has always been my experience that all the women I was terrible to stayed with me and kept expecting me to change - to commit to them and them alone, to see some bright spark burning in their eyes and the kind deeds they did and be convinced that I wanted to change and that they were the one for me all along."

"Yeah, but you were too busy pursuing women that didn't do these things, hoping they would see that 'rare spark burning in your eyes'. God, who writes your inner dialogue?"

"We want what we can't have?"

"We all want to feel appreciated and special. Think of the ramifications if a person actually changes for you. How would that make you feel other than God-like? A person totally changed who they were and what they were doing for you? That's such an ego-trip. However, by doing this you are placing your sense of self worth in the hands of another as you seek some intangible approval; some recognition that this person cares. You have somehow neglected to associate caring with a person that actually does all of those things that you wish someone would do. Instead, caring to you has become 'if they change then they love me'. Of course, if they actually change, you'll probably leave and if they don't change, you'll probably leave."

What are you saying?"

"You're no better than most other people out there, but you have one tremendous thing going for you."

"Hmmm?"

"You can change yourself."

I Love Rock and Roll

"What's your name?"

I had been people watching. For on a night such as this, in a place such as I was, that seemed like the right thing to do. (I probably should have brought my camera, but I often only think of such things in retrospect.) There was a competition where women were dancing in their bras to receive the most cheers. There appeared to be a plethora of college students coming back to their small hometown to show each other what they had learned at school. Oh and of course, there was the alcohol flowing, making everyone just a little looser than they already were upon their entry into the establishment.

The woman addressing me now was the second or third in the span of an hour, despite my best efforts to put on an air of aloofness. She had previously been getting more or less attacked by two men likely looking to engage in some sort of physical entertainment by the end of the night, but neither seemed to have found a way behind her defenses. As she caught my eye and uttered her very first words to me, I wondered if she realized she didn't have a chance, and that she would do better to return to her exciting simple times with the two other suitors.

It's not that she wasn't attractive. Clearly, she had earned the affections of a few already, and the boldness she showed in approaching me, asking for my name, and throwing out the line, "You're so attractive; you could be with anyone in here. Why are you standing here alone?" was alluring. However, my mind was elsewhere and my heart was entirely unmoved.

Changes in Technology

Growing up, technology made up an important part of my life. People wrote me computer programs for my birthdays when I was a child. I spent days inside a major game manufacturer's headquarters testing new, never before heard of video games, and helping them determine whether their toys were built for an appropriate age. At times, cases of video games were sent home for further testing and experimenting.

When I was in high school, I was even given a Sony stereo jacket before they were ever released onto the market. The concept was that the jacket had about five speakers wired within it and you plugged the main jack into your walkman. I don't think they ever caught on, but it was quite an interesting conversation piece.

Video and computer games were often particularly central themes to my youth, as I participated in the fairly common activity of playing them everyday with my friends. As I matured, much of the other technologies of my younger days were abandoned, owing to major lifestyle changes, but video games never fully left. Granted, I no longer had the latest and greatest systems, but I still played frequently in college.

When I finished law school, I suddenly could afford the newest and greatest game systems around, and immediately began to intelligently invest my hard earned money in such wonderful objects as XBox and Gamecube. My friends would come over, and we would play for hours. As my friends changed, however, I realized that the game systems began to do nothing but look really cool as they collected dust.

It was then I considered that perhaps my obsession with video games over the years was actually directly related to the social aspect involved with the moving dots on the glowing phosphorous screen. It seems unfortunate that I realized this only after having purchased the systems. Perhaps I should give them to someone who can truly appreciate their magic and mystery, or mayhaps I could sell them for some paltry amount to help subsidize my salsa lessons.

(Don't touch my iPod, though.)

Religious Impressions*

The thing that strikes me most oftentimes about religion is not so much its ability to aid and unify, but more its ability to divide. The more I seem to learn about religions, their origins and history, the more I find both fantastic stories of kindness and selflessness, as well as hurtful and ridiculous acts of meanness, all of which are committed in the name of religion.

These acts are not just historical in nature of course; one does not have to look to the Roman conquering of nations, the Crusades, or historical examples to find examples of religion causing fundamental breakdowns in relationships and interactions of people. In fact, I think one would really only need attend my church on any given Sunday to see just how truly charitable and nurturing some religious folks can be.

One does not have to look far to see the church's involvement with political parties - the politicizing of religion - as they lobby for the politician to be placed in office that shares in that religion's beliefs and will strive to make its traditions law. One cannot help but notice the role religion plays both in the strengthening, but also the breakdown of a relationship or a marriage upon the divergence of one of the partner's beliefs. (Many evangelists would argue that this type of breakdown should not be viewed as a breakdown at all but merely a higher power taking a role in unyoking one person from another who is not more evenly matched spiritually.) Religion can also be a major factor in thwarting the relationship between a parent and child, when their views diverge and one is not able or willing to accept, and treat with equality, the other person's beliefs.

Religion can lift and strengthen some who are coping with debilitating conditions or addictions that they feel powerless to overcome on their own. However, religion can sometimes render a person sufficiently immobile and incapable of walking away from a flawed relationship or the like. (While many will preach the importance of what the Bible says about leaving such relationships, from my experience, the actual grief and fear that grips these people in such times of trouble is merely compounded by the religious doctrine that has been fostered in them, and often helps to render them hostage in a failed and damaging relationship.) So while at times religion has wonderfully positive effects on people in their development and changing, it can also have severe adverse effects on people in their development and changing - making issues that are already difficult to deal with easier or even harder.

To me religion offers promise and hope, and has the potential of lifting people from depths of despair and suffering. However, it also has the power to inflict just as much damage. It is often a question of how it is used and interpreted. Given that religion holds such awesome power, it seems almost scary that it rests in the hands of so many ordinary people.

*(These thoughts are not fully developed.)

The Wreck

While I was in Nashville, I spent quite a bit of my time in museums and the like. It made me wish my city had more culture and arts to explore.

The above is a painting by Frederick Church that is housed in the Nashville Parthenon. I could not photograph it, as photography of all the exhibits in the Parthenon, save for the very large 42' image of Athena at the very end of the tour, is strictly prohibited. I managed to find this image of it on the Web somewhere about a month ago and have been waiting to get some more space in my flickr account so that I could upload it. This digital image, however, does not even come close to doing the painting justice.

I Can't Dance

"How was it?"

"Terrible. Tragic really."

"Was it like puppies dying?"

"Ok, I guess it could have been worse."

I used to date a girl that had been dancing her entire life. The girl could move on the dance floor. She would often undertake the Herculean task of trying to educate me as to where my feet were supposed to go next, and I just could not come to terms with the knowledge she was attempting to impart.

Our lessons were usually entirely unproductive, as I would leave them feeling just about as terrible as when I had begun them. However, if we started dancing and just fooling around, I could suddenly move, as though I was channeling ... well not Fred Astaire but still someone much better than the me that took lessons. My partner would accuse me of practicing since the last lesson, but I hadn't. I hadn't done a darn thing except unsuccessfully try and forget the event had ever happened.

"This reminds me of when you would try to conduct in front of the class and suddenly every single skill that you had, instantly left you."

I instantly flashed back to those terrible classes. My friend and I had identical conducting techniques. The difference, however, was that he had more practice conducting in front of people, and I had more practice conducting to my imaginary orchestra. One of the best conductors in the country saw him conducting one day, and offered to tutor him privately. People saw me conduct and asked me if they should maybe call a doctor.

One day, my then conducting instructor saw me just practicing - believing that I was unobserved. He immediately chastised me for not conducting like that in class and I instantly felt terrible.

Something happened during the course of my life. Perhaps it relates to the fact that I was constantly told by my ever so loving father, in a myriad of forms, that I was a terrible uncoordinated klutz. It certainly helped to always make me question whether I was ever doing anything right and made me extremely self-conscious. There is also the possibility that never actually having many people in my age group to socialize with - given that the population of children my own age in my home town was approximately four, and I was rarely allowed to really spend time with any of them - affected my development, as I didn't get to practice a lot of these very theoretical and expressive things on actual people.

Whatever the reasons for it, I used to get extremely nervous when expressing my artistic side to the masses. Over time, this condition has lessened quite a bit, but as my first salsa lesson clearly illustrated to me last night, it has not completely left me.

Interior Decorating

I love the movie Phenomenon. I really feel it has a tremendous amount of interesting points and ideas swirling within it that really deserve some time and attention, and somehow, the writer found an immensely entertaining way to present all of these things.

Lots of people that are familiar with the movie might focus on the ideas that it expresses about the possibility that human beings can harness supernatural powers, or focus on what the movie implies about savoring and enjoying love and life even when it might be very fleeting, or what it says about our society, in general. However, one of my favorite scenes actually just involves furniture ... so to speak.

The hero of the movie is an auto mechanic named George, and lots of things happen to George as the story unfolds, but none of them are terribly important to this post. The one thing that does happen to him that should be mentioned here is that he falls in love with a woman named Lisa.

Lisa is a single mom struggling to make ends meet, and in an effort to earn a little cash on the side, she makes these chairs, and sells them outside of George's garage. Lisa happens to like making the chairs. She likes to consider herself crafty and artistic. Every day she drops off chairs and every day, they just keep flying off the shelves - she just can't seem to make them fast enough, and it pleases her so much that people are enjoying and appreciating her work.

Eventually, we learn that the only person buying all of these chairs is George because he knows she needs the money but more because he knows how important it is to her and how it makes her smile, and by taking just a little time, and putting forth a little effort he is trying to support her dream.

Banes: [speaking about George's transformation] He never really changed at all. Isn't that right Doc? I mean he never really got any smarter. Doc?

Doc: Banes... how's your lady love?

Banes: We... um... we broke up.

Doc: Really? That's too bad, yeah. Now George has a love at his side and she is sticking with him. You know why? Because he bought her chairs. That's pretty smart to me. You ever buy Lisa's chairs?'

Banes: Doc's real drunk tonight.

Doc: Every woman has her chair, something she needs to put herself into, Banes. You ever figure out what Lisa's chairs were and buy 'em?

[pause]

Doc: Nope.

I once had a girl ask me why I was taking the time to learn things that were important to her. My only real answer is that everyone should try and take the time to learn and understand the things that are most important to the people that we love. For it is through this exploration that we not only gain a keener sense of the other person, but also learn how to better support and encourage their dreams. Finally, if the person is not important enough to merit your time, support, and encouragement, they may not be aware of how much you value, respect, and love them. That and I just so happen to like to sit a lot.

And The Lord Said ...

On the weekends, I usually wake up to the sounds of NPR. I am not particularly fond of the NPR stations I have to choose from down here. When I was visiting my friends in North Carolina, I found that they had an NPR station with a 24 hour news and talk program format. Whereas, mine mostly consist of classical and world music programming, even on the weekends. I was aghast when I first tuned into NPR down here and learned of this, but have lived here so long that I had almost forgotten that it could be any other way.

On Sunday mornings, I usually hear parts of a program called Speaking of Faith. Leave it to Public Radio to develop a religious program that isn't usually too evangelical. Every now and again, I hear something I really like and am instantly glad that I tuned in, even if I am rather tired and wish I could fall back to sleep.

This weekend, Rabbi Sandy Sasso was being interviewed. She actually had several very interesting things to say regarding the selection of a religion and how one should introduce their children to religions in general. The thing that struck me the most was when she explained how similar all religions are in their attempt to answer certain central questions, like "Why are we here?" and "What happens when we die?" She then coherently articulated something I had been trying to convey for months - "Religion is the language that we use to express our spirituality."

Bottled Up

"I don't understand why you're uncomfortable around her."

I couldn't believe she didn't understand. She had taken an entire day explaining to me why she didn't approve of this woman's marriage and how she wanted to break her up with her husband because they just were not right for each other, and now she couldn't understand why I felt awkward and weird around these people. Every time I was with them, all I could think about was all of the horrible things she had told me about their relationship, and it's not like they knew she felt this way. As far as they were concerned, everyone was happy and having a great time so why the hell was I acting weird.

If I think something about someone, chances are I'm going to tell them. It has something to do with my inability to be fake with people. Fake bothers me. I know some people that do this often, though. People whose actions do not correspond to their feelings.

"Oh, yeah I think she's weird. She reminds me of a completely socially inept person that doesn't get away from their computer." However, when she speaks to this "inept" person, it's all smiles and friendly "hellos". This gives me doubt. What the hell does this person say about me when I'm not around? And what the hell is the point of going out of your way to socialize with people you don't actually like?

Growing up, I had a lot of things I had to keep to myself. Secrets were the rule of order in my family. Lots and lots of them. As a result, I now keep very few secrets. It's not that I cannot keep them. It's actually pretty easy for me to keep them, as I was trained for years to do so. If someone tells me something and asks me not to tell anyone, which seems to happen an awful lot, I won't say anything. However, when it comes to my own secrets, I'm far more willing to give those away, as keeping them triggers an emotion that reminds me of a past that I would rather forget. (I also am really not ashamed to express how I feel about things.)

It's more than that when it comes to my friends. If I think something about one of them, I'm going to tell them to their face, and not behind their back because I would rather they heard what I had to say from me directly, and not through some third party or a blog. Sure this may lead to a fight or an argument, and many times, I've had to bite my tongue and really evaluate whether it was my place to say anything at all, and if so, how I was going to say it. However, more often than not, if I find myself needing to talk about it with others, chances are it's important enough for me to bring up to the friend. Not because I need them to agree with me, but just so that they know where I stand. It is, as so many things are, a delicate balance.

Intelligence is Hot

Women just do not seem to understand how sexy smart is. Sure you can go out half dressed and show off some skin or adorn yourself in the clothes that tighten and cling in just the right places, more or less revealing what you look like without them on at all, and drawing the gazer's attention to the areas you want his nights and dreams to be consumed with. However, that beauty is always, truly only skin deep.

Sophistication and intelligence are hot and far less transient. If you have those two things and you can own them, your perceived sexiness quotient has just increased five times over. Granted, beauty is relative, and once you start multiplying by factors of five, large dichotomies emerge. However, it doesn't change the validity of the point.

The fact that she just raised a valid argument and made me question my reasoning on something; the fact that the discussion was mildly stimulating or a challenge at all; the fact that she knew that obscure reference and could capitalize on it; or the fact that she knew where she would end up if she were to burrow through the Earth, starting in Ohio (of course) is hot.

Guys love smart women. That's why Van Halen had it bad for teacher, or why the sexy librarian can turn heads. Sure these women have physical allure as well. There's no denying that, but the power of a smart women can never be underestimated. For while the women that thrill with their looks are intriguing, I'm likely to see fifty more of those within a week. The woman that thrills me with her mind, will capture my attention for years to come.

How Sweet

"You're just too nice." She said this as an admonishment, and with pain and distress in her voice. "You often come off, in the beginning with the veneer of mean and uncaring, but it really is just a thin veil."

A look of confusion quickly spread across his face. "I thought that's what people looked for in a relationship."

"They do. They do. I do ... or did. You just don't understand. Most women start out looking for that nice guy, that good guy. The one that we are repeatedly told is out there for us. After many false starts and lots of pain, some of us unconsciously give up in believing that he exists and no longer know what to do with him if we ever find him. Sure I could trust you, and I probably should trust you. I've known you for a while and I know the type of man you are. I just don't know how and I'm too afraid to learn. I told you, 'I have issues,' but they aren't your issues. They're mine."

"I'm really not that nice."

A snort of disbelief and dismissal followed with, "You're nicer than you'll know."

He saw the dots connecting but just couldn't believe the picture they were forming. This was so.... "You're telling me that you could never date me because I'm too nice?" This probably would have been more disconcerting information if he hadn't heard it before.

"If I dated you, I would hurt you. I wouldn't want to hurt you. I care about you tremendously. I think you're one of the most amazing guys I have ever met. I just have no way of being able to overcome myself."

"Good times."

Her mirthful laugh was quickly replaced by earnestness. "The thing that concerns me most with you is that there really aren't a lot of nice people out there, from my experience. I really wish you would be meaner. I wonder what impact others will have on you over the years. I would like to think that you will always stay this amazing guy that is so nice and sweet, but I don't envision it occurring. Already you have that cool aloof front that you put out there. I wonder who got you to erect that barrier. I worry that others' issues will cause you to have more of your own, as that's what happened to me."

She really could have cried.

Mark of the Beast

I have been fairly terrible about blogging during the week. It's tragic, as I know you all wait with great anticipation for me to publish whatever meaningless drivel I might have for the day. I have been good about posting. It's just that almost all of it occurs over the weekend - when I actually have time to collect my thoughts and commit them to virtual paper. However, there have been a few events that have not made it into any posts, as none of them really seem to have what it takes to make it. For example, here's a little something for all you religion buffs.

You know that whole June 6, 2006 end of the world thing? Well according to religious scholars "666" is not the mark of the beast; "616" is. So apparently, if the world was going to end on any day this year, given the recent apocalyptic logic, it would have ended five days before these folks thought. I imagine that to be a truly terrible way to go. Here you are totally convinced that the world is going to end on Saturday, getting all of your affairs in order, planning what to do on that very last day, and poof - you and the rest of creation dies on Monday. That's tough.

Blogging Inspiration

My best friend from college finally started a blog. To make it even better, she gave me credit for being the reason that she started blogging. *sniffle* I've inspired someone.

She actually started it a few weeks ago, but I wasn't sure if I should post about it yet because 1) I wasn't sure if she'd keep posting and 2) because I wasn't sure if I was allowed to announce to the world that she had a blog. But she did and I am. And, no, I'm not just posting about it to brag about being the sole inspiration for someone else to start a blog. (Alright, that may be overkill. She never said I was the *sole* reason, but then again, she never said that I wasn't.) I'm actually posting about it because you might like reading it. I know I do.

Miscellaneous Activities

I bought a portable 60GB hard drive. I had been wanting one for a while and it was on sale. It's so impressive. It's smaller and lighter than many paperback books that I own. I considered buying something with more storage space, but they weren't on sale and I figured with the rapidly changing technology market, there will be something even better in a couple of years.

On Saturday night, I went to a club that was quite an experience. My friends wanted to go to this singles bar. They said it was always an entertaining show. I have to say that you haven't lived until you've seen sixty year old men and women trying to get their game on. There were the young women looking for their sugar daddies, the older women looking for something younger, and just a lot of men looking to score with whatever happened to be available. My particular favorite was this guy that had to be at least sixty, dancing with any woman that passed within 20 feet of his general direction. I don't think I've ever laughed that hard for that long in a good while.

I went to a seminar last week and learned that home foreclosures are on the rise (especially in major Texas cities like Dallas and Houston). This could be good news for first time home buyers in places like South Florida as they may actually be able to afford a home at a distressed sale, but good luck affording our ever increasing insurance prices.

It seems that practically every guy in my church classes was either in prison, a drug addict or both. I am really not sure what that says. It can often be just a wee bit unnerving, however.

Owning It

"Maybe we just shouldn't be friends."

The statement hung there in the still night air.

You could see the pain and anger spread across her face. How dare I say something like that? How dare I trivialize our friendship and use it as a bargaining chip in this debate? What the hell was wrong with me and why did I keep doing this? Sure the first time it had some shock value, but after the fourth or fifth time, it now only had the effect of angering her. But I wouldn't be dissuaded; I wasn't going to be tied to anyone that didn't act in accordance with my set of norms.

It wasn't until years later that I realized that it had been easier for me to distance myself from people than actually form relationships. It was the trick of my mind; I needed to be able to justify my reasoning for not wanting to be around the person so that I didn't have any internal conflict later. "They just couldn't handle being friends with me." It was easier to distance myself from the people that I cared about the most, as I had no reason to believe in the permanence of a relationship of any kind and spent so much of my time wondering when the person was going to leave. I was preemptive in nature. Everything in a relationship was a negotiation or a debate and nothing mattered more than achieving my desired outcome.

It was also my desperate need to control. The co-dependence had crept in before I even knew it. I needed to fix things. I needed to show people the err of their ways, but not in any manner that could possibly be considered healthy. Instead, I would use the friendship at the drop of the hat and not as a last resort; something reserved for that point where the person had so betrayed me that I could never trust them again. Besides, focusing on others gave me a diversion from focusing on myself.

"Let me take you to dinner."

Why was she taking me dinner? What did she want? I knew this game; no one does anything without expecting something in return. It was more than I could handle that someone just might want to do something nice for me just because we were friends. I wouldn't even be able to say "thank you", too frozen with confusion and embarrassment. I could take all the abuse in the world, I had grown up with it, but someone was actually nice to me and I immediately felt inadequate, undeserving, and really nervous. Receiving was never comforting for me because I always was wondering where the next hit was coming from. I could not relax in the moment. It was a tremendous internal conflict, in retrospect, as I desperately wanted that closeness and nearness of a relationship, but I couldn't actually experience it.

"Yeah ... I remember those days. I really didn't like them very much. I'm glad that you figured all of that stuff out."

"Yes, but it took years of therapy. If you had come to me back then and told me all of this, I would have argued with you and never would have believed you."

Note: This post is not meant to trivialize anyone's battle with any issue they may be facing. It's not even meant to encapsulate my entire journey or explain all of the underlying factors that I found to be contributing to my issues. Everyone is affected and impacted by things differently and one person's journey will not necessarily be another's. The most important aspect of the entire thing is starting it and trying to never be dissuaded from your ultimate goal.

"Be kinder than necessary, for everyone you meet is fighting some kind of battle."

State of My Blog

Several days ago someone posted an anonymous comment on my blog, which I subsequently deleted. Not because it was negative. In fact, this one was relatively nice, which is unusual from the land of anonymous. I deleted it because no matter how nice an anonymous comment is, it still annoys me that the person wouldn't even put their name down.

However, as I thought about it, there was something familiar about this comment. It inspired me to look through my blogger log and what I discovered led to the following discussion:

"What do you mean she's still reading your blog? I thought she hated you and never wanted to speak to you again."

"I guess her hatred for me only extended to my physical form - not the virtual."

"Well what are you going to do?"

"I don't know. I could move it or end it. I'm really conflicted about it. I have nothing against her, other than the fact that she totally abandoned our friendship ... frequently."

"She was very nice but she hurt you a lot, on a regular basis. It got to the point where it no longer was a question of 'if' but 'when'."

"Yeah, but in a good way."

*starring at me*

"Alright, she had her bad points, but she also inspired me without ever really knowing it. I'm not even sure how she did it exactly. Every day, the thing that I most looked forward to was our impending three hour conversation, which was sure to occur that night, in which I would hear all about her day and she would hear all about mine and we would pick on each other like 5 year olds. (Some would say 10, but I don't think we were ever that mature.) Somehow this helped me orient my thoughts, made me feel better, and inspired me to wake up the next day and do it all over again. My thoughts flowed freely. So many posts on my blog are owing to her - not because they relate to her but because she somehow inspired me to write them. Even if it was only by sometimes saying, 'You need to update your blog'. 'She'll bring out the best and the worst you can be.'"

"I think I'm going to be sick."

"Does that mean you don't want your fries?"

"Stay away from my fries, bitch."

"So I'm conflicted. I bear her no ill will, but at the same time, she left. She said, "Good luck" and never spoke to me again. I can't see why she would still be reading my blog and I don't see why she should be entitled to keep up with my life."

"Maybe she's curious. I'm sure you are curious about how she is. I mean, you clearly miss her, for some unimaginable reason."

"Right, but that's the point - it doesn't seem fair that she gets to walk away from me and still keep up on my life and I don't get to know anything about hers."

"It doesn't seem fair that we're having this conversation.... I suppose she always was a rather private person. Perhaps it's almost a perfect dream for her."

"You're really going to eat all your fries aren't you?"

Back for More

"So let me get this straight. This guy beat you, cheated on you with at least two women, is constantly critical of you and making you feel self-conscious, and you are worried about whether or not you look good enough to keep him?"

"When you put it that way, it sounds ridiculous."

"It is ridiculous. Have you ever considered going back out with your ex?" (He was arguably the nicest guy this girl ever dated, and from all accounts, was pretty attractive.)

"I couldn't date him again. And you know the really messed up thing?"

"There's more?"

"As jealous as I am, I really hope he meets someone because he deserves better. He's such a great guy."

"I think you've lost your mind. You're telling me you gave up the really nice attractive guy for the drug addict abusive cheating guy that treats you like crap? How the hell does that make any sense?"

"I'm hoping he'll change."

"Co-dependent."

"Shut up. My therapist said the same thing, but I'm over that now." Proof positive that therapy only works when you own up to yourself.