Upcoming Excitement

I have been very far removed from the land of blog, as I have been fully consumed with thoughts and events that are wholly inappropriate for this forum. Make no mistake, posts have been drafted and journal entries have been made, but all of it still involves work and private reflection. When I haven't been preoccupied with these thoughts and events, I have been preparing for upcoming trip, which brings me the most peace I seem to be able to find as of late.

Somehow it is incredibly reassuring to know that next week I will be in Rome, spending time with a woman I barely know, but who I will likely know much better after a week alone in one of the most romantic spots in the world together. However, before I get there a lot of work has to be accomplished. Case files need to be placed in reasonable order, and somehow I need to find the time to do all the cleaning, organizing, packing, and reading I still have to do for the trip itself.

I can't wait to be able to look out my window and see the splendors and sights of Italy.

Fatigue

"I don't like him."

His friend stared at him, silently pained. "But I love him. He is such an amazing guy. Besides, you've never met him; you don't even know him. All my other friends like him."

"I don't have to meet him to know that I don't like him. He's insecure, possessive, and dangerous. Be careful."

Today he received a phone call from his friend. Listening to her, his heart skipped a couple of beats, as she told him she was moving halfway across the country to escape her lover. He had just beaten her up the night before, and was, presently, in jail. You could hear the pangs of sorrow and regret in her voice. She had tried to defend him to the police - begging them not to arrest him, swearing that he hadn't really hurt her, but they were unpersuaded as they stared at the black and blue marks formed on her body.

You could hear that hope in her voice. You could feel that desire welling up within her to be close to him again. To be back with this man and hold him close again - the emotion fighting to break free from the grasp of her reason and logic.

"I need to move. I'm leaving tomorrow."

"I know. It's ok. You're going to be alright."

As he spoke to her, he felt a sense of pain, anger, and sadness wash over him. Somewhere there was that little person in his head - that person that had predicted all of this so many months ago. He had seen it all unfold before it had begun and had tried desperately to warn his friend before the incident occurred. This miniature man had no desire to condemn with reproaches or any statements of I told you so. He simply wanted to give up and sulk, as he whispered quietly to himself, "I'm so tired of being right."

Detour

"I don't understand why you aren't following your own advice."

"I'm worried I'll be making a mistake."

"You'll be alright, as long as you go with your gut. How often has your gut been wrong?"

"Never. Well there was that one night that I insisted I wanted a third helping ..."

"That's quite a track record. You're always complaining about others not listening to your advice. I think you should seriously consider giving yourself a good stern talking to and follow the path that you know is best for you."

"I don't like that path. It looks rather daunting, scary, and sad."

"No one ever said the right path would look nice and attractive at the outset. It's the right path because of where it leads. Sometimes the paths that are easiest and most inviting are the paths to our own pain and destruction."

"Like the gingerbread house in the fairy tales?"

"Yes, Goldie Locks. Like the gingerbread house."

Getting Personal

"You said what?!"

"Well she was annoying me."

"Man, remind me never to bug you."

"I knew there was no potential of her holding my interest for longer than the conversation anyway."

"The worst part is I know you did it completely matter of factly. You never even lost your composure for a moment. You carried on the whole discussion in a surgical like fashion. The entire experience was almost like a meditation for you."

"Would it be preferable if I lost my temper?"

"Oh, now that would have been exciting. That serene calmness that spreads across you when you're mad can be so unnerving. I swear, it takes an act of God sometimes to get that passionate anger to come out of you anymore. The day you find the woman that raise your ire will be the day I rejoice."

"Oh no you don't. We're not walking down that road this evening."

"Hmmm ... not so impassive on that subject are you?"

"We are so not talking about this."

"Wow. I'm intrigued."

Italy Bound

"I'll go to Europe with you if we can go to Italy."

And thus my trip, with a woman I barely know, was born.

In just a few weeks, I will be enjoying the beauty and splendor that is Italy. That's right, Florence, Venice, Rome, Tuscany, etc. I'll be there. Watch out Italy. I'm going on an extremely limited budget so I'm not entirely sure how much I'll be able to do while I'm there, but I intend to do as many people things as possible.

Of course the unwritten rule applies - what happens in Italy, stays in Italy. Unless, of course, I somehow have sex with a gorgeous supermodel. Then it will stay completely confined to my blog, email, journal, and any other person that will possibly listen.

Playing It Safe

"I don't get it."

"You're not necessarily supposed to.

"When you truly fall in love it will often be the scariest and most exciting times of your life because you are actually risking everything.'"

"Why would one be afraid of falling in love?"

"Well I'm sure everyone, to one extent or another, has certain fears when they get involved with the person they think might be their one true lifelong love - what if they are the wrong one, what if we aren't a good match, will I stay happy, etc. Doubts and fears are natural, to an extent, but they can easily become debilitating. For example, some people have additionally strong fears, which can be brought on by the divorce of the person's parents, abandonment by a parent (or two), hurt in prior relationships, past abuse, etc. For these people, the stakes seem higher because they're short stacked."

"... I sense a metaphor coming."

"It's often easier for people to play the five dollar tables in gambling - stay with the person that could never possibly leave you, get into fundamentally flawed relationships that are doomed to fail, or something that has the net effect of allowing them to avoid the truly intimate relationship that has the most potential of hurting them. Everyone copes with this fear in their own way - everyone has their own tolerance for risk at the casino. Some can play the low stakes tables for the remainder of their days and find true joy and comfort in such an arrangement. However, they will never have as big of a payout (or as big of a loss) as the person playing at the high stakes no limit table where they bet big and they take they house."

"So dating is equivalent to gambling or a slightly absurd version of Ocean's 11?"

"Well ... it is a numbers game."

"So what about the people that confine themselves to the low stakes tables or the cycles of slightly worse than ideal matches in an attempt to 'play it safe', are they confined to that pattern forever?"

"It's all emotion based. Emotions are inherently irrational and when you have a negative developmental history - abuse, abandonment, low self-esteem, etc. - your emotions will often not lead you to the healthy outcomes that your rational side truly craves. Moreover, your emotional side will play tricks on your rational side and convince it that it really is getting what it wants. Psychotherapy is often the process of figuring out why you do what you do and then applying rationality to emotion and allowing your rational side a more powerful position in the choices you make. However, the person actually has to want to do this, and it's usually very rare to find people willing to put forth the effort to make the change. After all, safe is ... well, safe."

"Even if it doesn't lead to the most fulfilling relationship?"

"Emotion is attracted to what it knows. Hence, if you grew up being abused, you will often be attracted to either others you can abuse or people that will abuse you. The person with an overbearing parent may, in turn, become overbearing to their significant other or children or both. (We are often products of our parents.) The dynamic that is created will be what the person is used to, and so will be felt as familiar and safe. (This all occurs on an unconscious level and the person is usually never aware of what they are doing.) No one ever said emotions made sense."

"That's crazy."

"Yes, I suppose it is. The interesting thing about psychology is that no matter what you think of your actions and your behavior, you are right. The alcoholic that believes their drinking isn't a problem, the person in the hopelessly flawed relationship who sees it as love, the abusive person that sees nothing wrong with the three scars he just left, they are all right. It is rare that anyone can ever tell you what you are doing is wrong because the emotions will defend you against all rationality. This is why the adage exists that 'admission is the first step'. For without it, all you really have are avoidance and denial."

Catching Up

I know. I know. I haven't been posting. My life has just been rather ... intense, as of late. I've been changing cell phones and, consequently, updating everyone in my address book on my new number. I've been fretting over some of my friends and enjoying as much time as possible with them. I've been attempting to plan a trip for next month to Scottsdale, Arizona and the Grand Canyon, and I believe I have finally located at least one other person to accompany me to Europe. Somewhere in the midst of all of this, I've been spending time with my little brother, continuing to learn salsa, and working. You remember, I have a job.

I know, it's really no excuse for not writing. However, I really have been writing. It's just everything I have had to say as of late has belonged in my private journal, password protected and hidden away. The thoughts swirling through my head are simply not for public consumption. So instead, I will now attempt to talk about some random topic that's been kicking around in my head for over a week now with no real direction.

It has recently become apparent to me that I do not update my friendship designations very frequently. For example, if I form a best friend at one point in my life, in my mind, they remain my best friend indefinitely, unless and until they at some point cease to be my friend at all. Some have suggested that this causes immense confusion, as I always seem to have ten best friends at any given moment, which seems a little ludicrous. Even I don't think I have the time that would need to be invested in that many close relationships. I think part of the "problem" is that I tend to form very close and intimate relationships with people in my life. I end up knowing a couple hundred, but become close to just a few. The few that I remain close to are always very special.

The people I consider my best friends are still there for me whenever I need them. I have few friends that won't call me back the same day. Even the ones that live in foreign countries and are sometimes in isolated areas, lacking such luxuries as running water, will usually get back to me within a week. I think that commitment is part of what makes us all friends - we are all fully committed to the friendship and will always be there whenever the other one needs something. However, there is no denying that over time, mostly as a result of people scattering to different regions of the globe, I have grown apart from some of my closest friends. We no longer get to speak every day, or even every month. However, I know if I am ever in need they will be there, and we all try to keep up on one another's lives as much as possible.

How does one classify people like that? I can't just call them "friends" because I have many "friends" that I could never count on that way. Perhaps I need to invent a new classification system. Adding such designations as "close friend" and "acquaintance", but then I'll just be confusing myself, and potentially everyone else. Every day I would need to remind myself of what I had classified this certain person as the week before. Perhaps one should just classify such people as "true friends".

"People say that friends hold hands, but true friends don't need to, because they know that the other hand is always there."