It's Not You; It's I

It took me a long time to learn of the concept of speaking in "I terms" when having any sort of relational discussion. It took me even longer to learn how to apply it, but I think it has been one of the single greatest things I have ever utilized, leading to more productive and simplified discussions.

The concept, as I understand it and apply it is fairly simple. When entering any sort of discussion that may be heated or volatile, instead of saying "you [do or don't do this behavior that's really annoying me right now]," you think of a way of starting that sentence with an "I". Often times, I now find myself pausing when in some sort of heated discussion, trying to find a way that I can begin the sentence with an "I feel". Because really, just like when I was in therapy, it is not about them, it is about me and how the actions of another person are affecting me and why.

This approach, I have found does so many fantastic things that may not otherwise be achievable. First, it helps to lessen the other person's defense mechanisms and makes them more approachable on the subject because you are conveying to them how you feel, and if they care about you, that is going to illicit a better reaction than something more accusing in nature. Second, it actually helps frame the discussion for you and the other person. Why the hell are you really upset or annoyed - what sort of affect is that person's behavior having on you and is it even rational. Third, the discussion has a much higher probability of being productive and finding some sort of solution to make it not happen again. Fourth, it usually shortens the process.

Oftentimes, I found in my past relationships that there would be a huge explosive fight that would drag on for a bit and then that would usually resolve in one of two ways. Either there would be a reconciliation with a mildly more rational conversation or there would just be a reconciliation with nothing actually resolved other than the fight was over and we could go back to the way things were, which really only meant we would prolong the unhappiness because we were still nowhere closer to understanding one another or why the other was unhappy; all we knew was that they were unhappy.

Overall, this often means that you just end up fighting less frequently because you both begin to completely understand one another and yourselves that much better. You begin to be able to sort of gauge everything just a little more cleanly and it makes for a smoother relationship overall, which is not to say it will be a perfect relationship, or even the right relationship, but it certainly makes the entire process much more fulfilling and enjoyable, for everyone concerned.

Are You My Plan Administrator?

In an effort to entertain and educate, I thought I would begin sharing some of my legal war stories* as they happen. This way you can learn from other folks' mistakes and maybe end up better off, in the end.

Most recently, I have been handling the probating of two estates. That statement is slightly inaccurate, however. For one estate (the wife's), I have only begun the process to determine whether probate will even be necessary. Despite what you may have heard, not all assets in an estate are subject to probate. However, it can often be difficult to figure which assets are and which are not. For example, the wife had an IRA and a 401(k), among her other assets. The IRA is not subject to probate, as she named her husband as a beneficiary. However, the 401(k) might be.

The 401(k) was administered by her employer. The company she worked for recently went out of business, and so I can no longer locate the plan administrator or any beneficiary designation forms. As such, I was forced to contact the U.S. Department of Labor and report the case. The agency will attempt to investigate and find my plan administrator, but they warn that it could take several months to do so, if they are able to find him at all. I also had to write a letter to the company managing the money and ask them what would be needed in the event we cannot find the beneficiary designation form. Hopefully, they will actually get back to me. The likelihood is that if a beneficiary designation form cannot be located, the proceeds from the 401(k) will be payable to the decedent's estate, and I will have to begin probate proceedings for her estate, at that point. Unfortunately, there is no way of knowing, and it is going to have the effect of delaying the full administration of both estates for several months.

This all could have been avoided if these people had kept all of their important documents together. Instead, they seemed to keep quite a bit of everything. The heirs are having trouble digging through the mounds of extraneous documents in the home and it is nearly impossible for them to discern what is important and what is just something that should have been thrown away years ago. As it is, the heirs barely found the Wills at all. If, however, these two had kept all their important documents together in one safe place, this could have all been averted. Important documents include: Wills, Trusts, Durable Powers of Attorney, Living Wills, Health-Care Surrogate Designations, insurance documents, beneficiary designation forms, current addresses and phone numbers for all of your beneficiaries. If you thought enough of them to put them in your Will, maybe you should also keep a phone number for them in a conspicuous place. Bank account information, and anything else you think would help someone reconstruct your asset and creditor picture are ideal things to put with these other documents, as well.

*Note that this will now be a category.

Forgotten Details

With the passing of my friend, I was reminded of a couple things that few people plan for prior to their passing, but which often come up after they have shuffled on to the great beyond.

If you have online accounts, especially with automatic debits scheduled, make sure someone else has the ability to access them after you are gone - and not just your significant other because, often, they may go when you do. I went through this weekend with Roboform and had it store the login information for all of my accounts and then put my master password with my Will. I know this may seem trivial, but it can take quite a while for your family to pull all of your records together, find an attorney, get all the documents signed, get to Court, obtain Death Certificates and get the necessary documents to the correct departments of all the companies. In all that time, you may have automatically debited your account for thousands of dollars, which can be significant - especially if any of the debt (like most student loans) are discharged at death or if you have an otherwise insolvent Estate. More than anything, figuring out all of these details can be a real headache for your family and loved ones. Plus, Roboform is free.

I know I have not updated here in about two weeks. Sorry about that. I had a funeral to attend the weekend before last and last weekend, I was in a wedding and both events were out of town. Overall, I think I preferred the funeral to the wedding, which probably sounds a little morbid. However, it was just easier and more fun for me, I think. I saw more people that I knew and liked at the funeral and had fewer headaches and nicer people to deal with. Fortunately, the bride and groom were not aware of most of the major debacles that occurred in the days leading up to the wedding, and they were in their own state of bliss. However, for those of us just along for the ride, it was a painful experience that I hope not to have to repeat for at least a year or two.

The funeral was good, I guess. It gave me a chance to see some friends I have not seen in years and we were able to sit and laugh and exchange stories about our friend who is no longer with us. I do not think it was the magical experience that I have often heard funerals described as. I did not leave the event thinking, "Alright, now it all makes sense; I'm ready to move on." Instead, I think I departed feeling just about as confused as ever about my loss as I had before. However, I definitely felt it was a worthwhile experience to attend and his family really appreciated how many people had shown up to honor their son.

I guess that nutshells the past couple weeks of my life. I will try and do better at posting more frequently on more items of note and interest.

Timing Issues

I got the timing belt in my car changed this weekend. For those of you not familiar with such things as automobiles, a timing belt (more or less) controls the opening and closing of the engine valves, making it a rather important little hunk of rubber (unless your timing belt is actually a chain) to be spinning around in your car. Every 80,000 to 100,000 miles, you are supposed to change it (and often the water pump because of the pump's location). Otherwise, the belt might break, and if the timing belt breaks, you're screwed. If you try to restart a car with a broken timing belt, you're way more screwed. Unfortunately, the timing belt in most vehicles is incredibly difficult to get at and so the labor can be rather expensive. It's a good thing that the car manufacturers are nice enough to provide clear and precise instruction as to when to change it. It is unfortunate that more things like this are not written down for people.

For example, waiting for over a month, until just before you're about to have sex for the first time, is probably not the best time to tell your boyfriend that you have herpes. Gosh, wasn't that such an exciting experience for him. Then nagging him for months later about him wearing a condom when you have sex because well, he "probably has it anyway", also probably not the best approach. "I don't understand why it's such a big deal. Sooner or later you're going to catch it anyway. After all, we're getting married." We are? When did that happen? I only looked at the engagement rings, I didn't buy you one, and while I am busy making my decision, as much as I love you, I would rather not contract a disease that I will have to live with for the rest of my life. Is that ok with you?

"I wish you wouldn't say that, it makes me feel bad for having it. It's not my fault that I have it." I never said it was your fault, I was merely explaining to you that it is an incredibly difficult item for me to deal with at the moment, a fact that you do not seem to understand. All you seem capable of thinking about is how you feel about everything. You wanted to move in and get engaged after we had been dating six months. You were on a path to marrying me, you saw our future so clear, and you were so ready. Now that it turns out that I wasn't following along that path with you, as much as you professed that you thought I was right in taking our time, you are not happy because it is not on your time table.

Some people spin at different speeds and, unfortunately, there's no timing belt in place to keep everything firing at the correct pace. Gears and valves can get mangled in the process, as we hope against hope that the engine won't explode, because that would be one hell of a repair job. I have a friend still getting flowers, emails and text messages from an ex who is fully convinced that they will reconcile and be together again, even after she told him she'd call the police if he didn't leave her alone. Everyone has their own perception as to the status and direction of a relationship. Hopefully, the people involved have a similar enough image as to where things are going so that everything keeps spinning together.

* To be clear this post does not relate to my current girlfriend. I would have labeled it past tense, but I really did just get my timing belt changed.

It's Not What You Think

Women don't seem to get it.

"I don't know how to make him listen."

"Stop sleeping with him."

"What!?"

"Stop sleeping with him and I guarantee you will have his complete and undivided attention."

"I couldn't do that."

"But with the way he's acting there is no possible way you want to be sleeping with him right now."

"But ..."

Women often forget that they have control. They forget that they have the one thing that every man wants and will do practically anything to get. They're like the Middle East and men are the United States, paying whatever it takes to fill 'er up. (If you can't appreciate a good pun, you need another cup of coffee.) And they completely neglect to remember that there should be boundaries; that everyone in a relationship needs to have boundaries and they need to not only set them, but enforce them. Boundaries are not being selfish; boundaries are the creation and enforcement of standards as to how you are willing, and want, to be treated.

"You need to create a list of things that you want in your partner and then a list of things that are unacceptable - deal breakers, if you will. The second list is perhaps even more important than the first because if you don't adhere to it, the list becomes merely a wish list and is no longer a set of standards that you feel you are worth or that you deserve. Once you start losing yourself for a man, you're on a long road of disappointment and unfulfilment."

There are women that I know that could never adhere to this advice because they would view it as "using sex as a weapon". I've read books that have case studies about women like this. They are usually terrible at being able to create and enforce boundaries and are usually willing to bend and shape for those certain lovers in their lives. They are described as people who have difficulty both creating and enforcing boundaries and because they don't have stable boundaries of their own, they have great difficulty respecting those of others - even those they care about deeply. Apparently, the books say, this is not a good thing.

What's a girl to do?

The important thing really is that you do exactly what you want to be doing, and not what you think someone else wants you to do. Sounds like an extremely easy piece of advice, right? Just do exactly what you feel like doing. It gets more complicated when what you want to do is please others or take care of or rescue others. Suddenly, the things that you really want to be doing involve satisfying the unmet needs of others more than your own. And when you put your needs first, you suddenly feel selfish or cruel. It feels completely unnatural, and angst takes hold. You begin feeling terrible about it. It eats you up, and you suddenly feel like you're just being selfish and you're doing the wrong thing. You want to apologize, to reconcile, to do whatever it takes to make that feeling go away, even if it means sacrificing another aspect of yourself - because that is, after all, the hallmark of your identity.

I know, I know, this post seemed to start with such promise - what with all the talk about sex, and now here we are talking about boundaries. What the fuck?

The point of it all really is that it's not wielding a weapon, it's not being selfish, and it's not being cruel; it is setting boundaries and adhering to them, displaying respect for yourself. It is through exhibiting respect and care for yourself that you are able to display your capacity to respect and care for others. (You cannot truly love another until you love yourself.)

Free at Last

Every now and again, I'll catch a flicker of just the right hair color or just the right body type and I'll be instantly reminded of an ex. Sometimes it will be a fond recollection and other times it will be a bitter fleeting thought that I would just as soon forget. There are also the rare occasions where I will suddenly be filled with remorse and regret. The thought creeps in that perhaps I made the biggest mistake ever. Perhaps she was the one for me. No faith in my own decision making - it was an issue I had to address in therapy. "What do you mean that's a bad thing?"

I remember she used to ask me, and her other friends, for hours on end what we thought of Fred's behavior. It was a terrible exercise in futility, as we would all validate her feelings and tell her how right she was to be feeling the way she did, but then she would confront him and her entire self-esteem and boundaries would immediately crumble. We simply believed in her more than she believed in herself, a terribly unfortunate way to live. "He's not like you. He doesn't understand me the way you do. It's not his fault. I just need to be better. You don't understand him the way I do. You don't see how much potential he has." It's always frightening when you see others' dysfunctions in yourself. However, it's also relieving because it's that recognition and admission that can lead to recovery or behavior modification (as they like to call it).

However, there were other issues that I also had to address and, at times, it's difficult for me to look back and discern whether I got in the way of myself somewhere along the line. This self-doubt and concern can haunt me for days, as I reevaluate and reassess. But every now and again, something spectacular happens where the ex does something so annoying that I am immediately reminded of all the reasons she made me miserable and I am instantly glad to be away, with no regrets to ever haunt me again.

"She really did that?"

"Yeah. Pretty crazy, huh?"

"I can't believe you stayed with her for as long as you did."

"I was too busy being afraid that leaving would be a bigger mistake than staying to see just how unfulfilled I was. I kept thinking someone else would make the decision for me. I kept hoping that someone would say the magic words that finally gave me the courage and freedom to leave. What it took me time to learn was that I always had that freedom and only I could see it through."

You Should Read This

I started reading one of my books about codependency the other night. I think one of the problems with those books is they often discuss the severe cases or the cases that have, eventually, escalated out of control. Much like alcoholism, it's usually a progressive illness, worsening with time if left untreated. I felt like if I lent the book to one of my friends, they could easily shake it off and laugh, as it wouldn't really apply to them. After all, I don't have many friends dating alcoholics or drug addicts. I've had a couple, but they either grew out of it or eventually left the relationship, or we've lost touch. However, I know several codependents. In fact, in my life, I was often attracted to codependent women. I think it's probably because of the way I was raised. I felt that if maybe I shared one of their stories, it might have more of an impact.

In law school, I knew a girl named Liz. Liz was married to this guy named Fred. Liz was fairly unhappy about that fact. She really didn't like Fred. She didn't feel like he really understood her or the things that were important to her. She didn't feel that he was supportive of her in many ways and when she tried to talk to him about it, he usually made her feel like she was overreacting or being ridiculous. Liz couldn't leave Fred because she couldn't figure out anything that he really did wrong. He was a good provider. He made good money. He didn't beat her. Her family would never understand. And she constantly worried that it might be a mistake to leave. "What if he's the one I'm meant to be with?" She kept hoping Fred would either change or leave her.

Eventually, Liz had an affair and Fred found out about it. Liz figured Fred had to leave now. I mean, c'mon, she had been cheating on him. But Fred didn't want to leave. Fred cried and said he wanted to save their marriage. This caught Liz off guard. She explained that she didn't want to work on anything. She wanted a divorce. He wouldn't give her one. She said that she wouldn't stop sleeping with other men. He didn't care. He cried and begged and Liz decided she had to stay for a while. After all, she did love him and he was a nice guy. He really had always been the same guy. He just had never changed, or become the person she envisioned him being, despite all her efforts. Liz went home to see her family and they all confessed that they thought Liz had been unhappy for a while and that if she wanted to leave Fred, they fully understood. Fred said he wanted to have children. Liz changed her hair.

Liz started seeing a psychologist, a really good psychologist. Liz's psychologist diagnosed Liz as a codependent and he was pretty sure Fred was too. Liz couldn't leave Fred still. They'd fight and argue but she couldn't do it. She just didn't have it in her and she didn't know what her life would be like without a relationship. She had always had a man in her life.

Liz got offered a job far away. Her psychologist said that when she took the job, she should ask for a trial separation from Fred. "It doesn't have to be permanent. Just some time away so that you can truly assess your feelings about this relationship."

"Why do you look frightened?"

"I'm worried that if I do what you're asking, I'll never go back with him."

"From everything I know about you and everything you've told me, you won't, but you will actually need to complete the separation to make a rational and healthy decision. No contact for at least three months. None. If he respects you and loves you, he will give you this time."

Liz did it. It was the hardest thing she had ever done in her life. She walked away from Fred and moved, beginning her trial separation. It lasted all of three days.

Liz couldn't take it. She missed Fred. He wasn't that bad after all. And he did love her. I mean, he had stayed and he said he loved her. "He just doesn't understand how to make me feel loved. That's not his fault." Liz was still trying to make excuses for Fred and enable his behavior. It's what codependents do, and she had stopped therapy after she moved. Liz isolated herself from all of her friends, didn't return their calls, wouldn't go out with them and soon left town with Fred.

I recently spoke with a friend of Liz's, who occasionally speaks with her still. "I spoke to Lizzy the other day."

"How is she?"

"She's still miserable with Fred. Nothing in her life has changed one bit. They're the exact same couple they were years ago, maybe a little worse. I just don't get it. How could she be that miserable and still stay?"

I've Heard That Before

If I told you what was really going on in my life, you'd never believe me. I did a very long journal entry about it. It's really impressive and probably would make some great blog material. I even worked a reference to Heidi Klum into it. (That alone makes it worth it's weight in gold.) It's almost a tragedy to keep it simply in journal form. However, now after all that buildup, it would never meet your expectations. So I'm likely better off just going with something a bit less personal.

"He said I should go to law school."

If I had a $1,000.00 for every time I heard a person say that, I'd be rich. (I say $1,000.00 because really, what can you get for a bunch of nickels nowadays. Besides, if we're going to discuss in hypotheticals, I might as well make it worth my while - I thought $1,000,000.00 might be greedy.) Every person I talk to seems to have been told, at one point or another, by some mentor type figure - you should go to law school. I sometimes think that perhaps this line is just thrown out there as a compliment - "You're so smart, you should go to law school." The person doesn't actually have to believe what they are saying, they're just throwing the compliment out there. Other times, I think the person offering the statement simply has no damn clue what law school is like. They've never experienced it. They figure it's just one of those things people do. Just go to law school. Like it's as easy as breathing or climbing Mr. Everest; a walk in the park.

I have always done everything in my power to discourage every person I meet from going to law school. From my experience, only people that really want to learn law and how to be an attorney should go to law school. They shouldn't do it for money because lots of attorneys don't make a lot of it. They shouldn't do it for respect because almost everyone I meet immediately looks at me sideways when they find out I'm one of those scum sucking, bottom feeding, attorney bastards. They shouldn't, necessarily, pigeon hole themselves into any one area of law they would like to practice because often, they won't get to practice in the area they so choose. And law school is no picnic. Unless you really like law, you likely are not going to enjoy law school at all. It's going to be stressful and miserable, threatening your relationships and your sanity, as you undergo the metamorphosis from an ordinary person to a person that thinks like an attorney. Sound like fun yet? (I did have a friend that went to Harvard who found it a fairly easy experience, much easier than her physics classes in undergrad. As a general rule, the higher ranked schools are easier, and after first year, you can sometimes find ways around the difficult professors - especially if you do not actually care about learning.)

You want money? Go work on Wall Street or do something entrepreneurial. There's far more money in either of those fields, and you probably won't have people looking at you with utter disgust and hatred when you announce what you do at dinner parties. Do you have any idea how many attorneys leave the practice of law so that they can work on the investment banking side of things? Or how many unhappy attorneys are out there?

Generally, people have listened to this advice from me. I've actually talked people out of going to law school in one sitting. I think it's because I'm just so matter of fact about it. I remove all of those romantic notions about law school and tell people real stories about real people that I've known, and of my own experiences. (And most of mine were good, for law school.) However, I really think people have to stop with the whole, "So and so told me I should go to law school." Because, really, everyone seems to have been told at one point or another that they should go to law school, and it's clearly not a career for everyone.

Where's My Ring?

"How can you say that you're committed when you haven't even bought me a ring?"

It made no logical sense. He had moved hundreds of miles for her, after tiring of driving the hundreds of miles to see her every week, forsaken any friends he had made for the move, spent an entire day making her family authentic Jewish food so that she could see her mother, and offered to enroll in couples therapy in an effort to allow them to communicate better. But all of that was easily ignored, as it did not equal a ring. Irrespective of the fact that they had not yet been dating a year. Apparently a ring would have made things different, even though it wouldn't.

Their lives were hopelessly intertwined, objects at one another's lodgings, shared friends, shared moments, shared memories. Laughs, fights, tears, joy and sorrow were all shared together and experiences that could easily be referenced to the other. For better or worse. "You never stand up for me with your friends or family," he would complain. "You never say how pretty I am anymore," she would lament. They both looked at each other as habits that now needed to be broken.

The twisting and twirling of her hair as she drove was no longer cute. His love for discussion, cooking, and sex were no longer appreciated. Each were being overshadowed by the other insurmountable issues causing distress in their lives, and neither was able to completely communicate what they were feeling to the person that was closest to them. The ties that bonded them were slowly unraveling and each stood helpless to stop it.

He would retreat and she would mourn. He felt terribly conflicted and she appeared resolute, while inwards she was equally conflicted. New jobs, new towns, new lifestyle, new dynamics, and illnesses. It all came at once. It all came with the force of a meteor crashing to the ground and darkening all of the area that once glowed so brightly. Where was the light and where was the answer. It couldn't all be contained in a ring. There had to be more. Love was a not a ring.

It all ended rather abruptly for them both. There was talk that they would remain friends but such a desire was rather unrealistic. Her idea of friendship involved occasional text messages and dating other people. He couldn't quite get the hang of all of that, and didn't see the point to it anyway. It would never be what he wanted, and what was the point in fighting the tide. She drifted away and found port in other harbors.

"Do you ever think of her?"

"Yes, but I think of many people, daily. It's just something I do. Each, however, elicit different reactions as they cross my mind."

"Do you miss her?"

"I miss what we were and I often ponder how it all went to pieces, and how shocked all my friends had been when I expressed how unhappy I had been for so long. I never shared all of that with them because I never wanted it to influence their opinion of her."

"Were you able to take anything from it?"

"Yes. There will always be doubts and that's ok. There will always be others that look at you with affection and desire and while it is tempting to view it as desirable, it is an inadequate comparison. For you are only comparing what you have with something different and something you don't know. There will always be temptations and life is a series of gut checks. It also changed the way I offer people advice in a particular way."

...

"When my friend recently asked me if she should break up with her boyfriend, I asked her if she was happy with the type of person that he was and whether she felt it was something the two of them could work on, noting it was not for me to decide whether or not she should be with him. It was up to her if she liked him enough to stay with him, as she was the person that would have to wake up with him every morning. Sometimes, I can be more direct with my advice, depending on the situation. I have found that friends often don't like the people that hurt us, but that this opinion can quickly change when the hurting stops."