Friends and Lovers

"You don't really want to be here with me."

I was annoyed, not just because she was right, but more so because, was I that transparent? How could she tell? And who cared, wasn't I there enough? I had done all the right things, I had made all the right motions. I was a perfect date, thoughtful, considerate, and attentive, but it wasn't enough in her estimation because she wasn't setting me afire.

I once got to meet "the other man".

TOM: "I don't like you very much."

Me: "I'm sorry to hear that."

TOM: "I see her face after she speaks to you and I know that you make her happier than I ever will be able to."

Me: "So why are you bothering?"

TOM: "Because I love her."

Me: "Sounds like a rather selfish love."

I didn't really blame her for wanting to date other people. We were long distance and neither one of us was really a big fan of that concept. However, I truly had higher expectations of her ability to select alternate men to date. She ended up having some rather curious selections - a stalker, a guy that raped his previous girlfriend, and this one. He didn't really appreciate the concept that she and I were intending to remain friends and speak every day either.

I must have looked at TOM with the same eyes she now looked at me with. "Why are you bothering with this charade?" She, however, had some more heated questions to add. "You expect me to be happy with the knowledge that I'm not the one for you? How is this supposed to fuel our relationship?"

For some, accepting that they are second best is sufficient. They can put on that brave face and lose gracefully, accepting second place in the contest of life and accepting the fact that they just didn't quite measure up; that while they will still be treated with all of the affection and romance that they would expect, their lover's heart will never quite be in it. However, others find this truth too painful to bear witness to, and find it even harder to have it flaunted in their face on a constant basis. TOM found it upsetting enough to subsequently lie to the woman of his dreams and push her away from me, and the woman accompanying me decided it was best to quit while she was ahead.

Halfway

"Your whole room centers around your food."

"Yup, just like yours centers around music. Priorities, man."

She was right. The center piece to my dorm room was my stereo. My stereo, however, has never been as impressive as my music collection. It's voluminous to put it mildly. It's gotten so bad that at times, I can't even remember if I already own a CD that I'm considering purchasing.

I don't really do many things half-way, and when I feel half-way about something, I immediately feel uncomfortable. This is why I commit to so few things. Some people throw around promises and statements like candy, but only a fraction of them will they fulfill. I try to never make any promise that I cannot keep, much to the annoyance of an ex or two. The easier thing to say is, "Of course we will get married," but if I don't feel it, I can't say it. I can't be luke warm going into something.

"That's what I like about you. I never have to question where I stand. Some people might say nice things to me and try to placate me, but you're going to be brutally honest. I know if you're annoyed, mad, happy, sad, whatever, because you're just going to blatently tell me. At first, I found this incredibly annoying, but over time, it's the thing that I have come to respect the most about you, and one of the main reasons I value you so much as my friend. You just don't lie, and you never say things just to make me happy."

With some things, I know with a certainty what I want. For example, I'll listen to a CD and I'll know that I want it. I'll hang out with someone a time or two and I'll know I want to be friends with them. I go on a date and I know whether I ever want to see that person again. However, with many other things, I'm much more indecisive. Choosing a major in college took forever, picking out a watch, a suit, deciding whether I wanted an iPod, etc. These decisions took anywhere from hours to months. Store clerks actually tired of me at times. Once I decide something, however, I don't often change my mind. It's a matter of getting to the decision that sometimes takes a long time, and is something I sometimes have to be prodded for.

"What do you want for your birthday/Christmas?"

This is a question I will generally try to avoid for as long as possible because I'm almost never sure how to answer it. Generally, the things I want cost too damn much for me to ask anyone else to buy them for me. It's right around the point where I know my "indecisiveness" is about to cause a fight with someone I care about that I cave. It's not that I haven't thought about the question up until then, it's more that I really don't feel strongly about any of my gift ideas I've been able to think of. To me, I'm not really indecisive, I just have trouble saying or doing things unless I truly feel them.

Brief Overview

The Red Headed Maven has requested that I get back to talking more about dating. Although, I thought I had been, I think she means, more specifically, the dating experiences I have had as of late, but the thing is that I haven't had any. I have had one girl that's been calling me for about a month or two, trying to coordinate a time when we can go out, I'm supposed to have a date this weekend with another girl, which I am approaching with great trepidation, and I have a third who seems to be very interested in dating me. All I have to do now is decide whether I am ready to date.

I had decided months ago that I just didn't want to date anymore, and that the rewards just were not worth the consequences of dating for me, as of late. I wanted to take time for me, to figure out who I was and what steps I had been taking in the past that always seemed to lead to catastrophic results. However, the more time I have taken, the less I seem to want to date again.

In the abstract, I see dating as great, having a friend that you get to know on multiple levels and really build something with. However, in the past when I have had this, one of two things has happened - I've either developed what I thought was an ulcer or I ended up getting hurt. The only way to truly find out if I have learned anything about myself, of course, is to brush myself off and get back out there. Roll the dice, play the odds and hope I get lucky, no pun intended. However, that seems to require effort and a complete lack of fear, foolhardiness at its finest.

Never fear, though, I am sure I will find other things to write about with which to fill your screens. For example, I saw V for Vendetta this weekend and it totally rocked! Natalie Portman is gorgeous, and having the Warshawski Brothers on the project always helps to give those fight scenes that extra umph.

Tonight, I was supposed to go to a hockey game with some of the guys from my church. I was really looking forward to it, but I woke up sick and it doesn't seem to be getting better. So it looks like that's cancelled. It's too bad too because the partner is going to the game tonight as well.

I purchased a ticket to go see David Sedaris. I kept meaning to buy a ticket but was always waiting on other people to get back to me about whether they wanted to go. Finally, I decided I had better just buy one for myself and go. It's a good thing too, as there were only about seven seats left in the whole place. I'll be sitting in the very back row, but I don't care. I just really want to see that guy.

I seem to have planned my entire trip. Now all I have to do is book the tickets. I'll give more details as they become available, but so far the trip involves Nashville and Durham, North Carolina, seeing three of my friends, and the added bonus of celebrating my 30th birthday. Very cool.

Ending or Beginning

"You can't be friends with someone you ever truly loved."

"Really? Many of my friends will be very sad to hear that."

I am friends with several women that I have loved or dated in the past. Most people I know marvel at this and cannot understand how it can ever be achieved. I understand their astonishment, as I am one of the few people I know with genuine friends that are of the opposite sex, let alone former girlfriends. However, the transition has rarely been smooth or easy. As a general rule, it involves space and time for both people to become whole again, gain their own footing, feel secure in who they are and what they are doing, grow as people, and a willingness and ability to cast off any idea of a future romantic relationship with the other person. Often the friendship ends up being like a Will & Grace relationship in my life, but I cherish it so much as the person knows me in a way no one else can, to an extent.

Every time I have ever walked away from something like that I have always feared never getting it back. In all cases, it never has returned. It either came back as something better and more stable or it just never came back at all. However, in retrospect, it was the only healthy choice to make. I know men that cling to women as friends for years in anticipation of a relationship, and the women that let them. It's a completely unfair role to cast yourself in, but everyone needs to decide what they can handle and do exactly what they feel like doing. This, of course, will lead to immediate and direct consequences - good or bad - but it is all we can do.

"What the caterpillar calls the end of the world the master calls a butterfly." - Richard Bach

Where Do I Sign Up?

I'm not a big fan of joining an organized anything. I'm a registered Independent. I never joined a fraternity in college. I never even joined the professional fraternity that many of my friends encouraged me to join with them. My theory was "Why would I want to join an organization with people in it that I wouldn't hang out with normally? I don't want to pay for my friends, and I don't want to have to pay to hang out with people I don't like very much anyway either." In fact, I only joined my law school fraternity because my two best friends were joining that night and if I didn't join I would have had to sit outside while they went to the induction without me. Unthinkable. It also helped that I never had to do much after the induction anyway.

As to political parties, I have two issues with them - 1) George Washington wasn't a big fan of them and 2) I never wanted to be associated with an entire group of people whose views I may not agree with.

That's generally how I feel about most organized social clubs and organizations to this day. I just really do not see the point. I don't like a lot of people. In fact, there are a lot of people I'm not such a big fan of. It's not that I dislike them. Disliking people takes effort, and I'm lazy in that respect. However, that doesn't mean I wish to be around them.

There is the added problem that if I am in an organization, it may be assumed that I believe everything that the organization believes in. For example, if I say I'm a Democrat, everyone might immediately assume that I'm a liberal (which I am on some things), but if I say I'm a Republican, people could assume that I'm a conservative (which I am on other things). It's hard for me to be a part of an organization because of these reasons. I always want to be judged for myself as an individual, not as a byproduct of an organization I happen to be affiliated with. Moreover, there are things that organizations have done in the past that I do not necessarily want to be associated with.

This is similar to my issues with organized religion. For example, I have a friend who is a Jehovah's Witness. She is one of my best friends, is very sweet, giving, loyal, and friendly. However, when I tell people I have a friend that is a Jehovah's Witness, many of them get the look of a cat that's about to get a bath. The claws are out and there is the immediate assumption that this person is just crazy. She isn't. She has her beliefs and is passionate about them, and I respect that. I have other friends that aren't religious at all and are very passionate about that, and I respect that.

A concept I have found recurring in most religions I have read about, is the idea of tolerance. The idea that you are to respect other people's beliefs. Last weekend I went to a religion class. It was very educational and I really appreciated it. However, the lecturer said that evolution was a dead theory and that no reputable scientists really believed in it any more as the fossil record did not support the theory. I had studied evolution in college, and I never remembered hearing this. In fact, I remembered learning the opposite, but I know memories can be faulty so I looked it up later, only to find articles from Berkeley and Scientific American painstakingly debunking these statements with fact. I hate being lied to. I don't care if you want to tell me that the church doesn't believe in something or that you feel it contradicts the Bible, but don't tell me that no reputable scientist believes in it when lots of them do. It confuses me even more, as evolution does not obviate the concept of God. There's nothing saying that evolution couldn't be part of the divine plan - the two theories can co-exist.

I, personally, don't know if I believe in evolution or not. I know scientists have a lot of theories, and some of them end up being right and some are wrong. However, whether it ends up being right or not, I don't see how it would negatively impact faith. People should never fear the truth no matter where it happens to lead.

(Note that this post was drafted when I wrote this one, but I couldn't find a good way to join the two.)

Discourse

"Wait, this is a great conversation. But I don't want to bog you down in a philosophical discussion."

"Why am I bogged? Who else will talk philosophy with me?"

A five hour philosophical and theological discussion ensued, and never really found an ending. As we concluded, beaten by fatigue, we both didn't necessarily see eye to eye on every topic discussed, but we left with a deeper understanding of one another, and the same love and respect that we had come to the dialogue with. I'm not sure that would have happened when we first met.

When I met my friend, I was a young and confused soul looking for answers and looking to find the one truth out there. I wanted to find the secret to winning in argument and debate. I would debate with my peers and frequently lose and feel frustrated and angry, often losing my temper and storming off as I felt totally defeated and as less of a person for having lost. How did all of these other people have answers to my points? Why could I not win?

Time changed my perspective and my logic in argument and debate. It changed, in many ways, the person that I am, or the way I approach a dialogue. I now recognize that in a many debates neither side will likely "win", as both sides are approaching the issue from a completely different perspective. For every thrust of an argument that you may have, they likely have an equally deft parry, and even if they don't, there is likely one out there just waiting to be discovered. Sometimes there is a way for the people to meet in the middle, but sometimes that remains a secondary concern, as it's the dialogue itself that the people were interested in beginning.

When a person is fully convinced of their point, it is unlikely that you will have any sway with them, and sometimes even if you do, they will never admit it because to admit that would be giving too much of themselves. All you really can do is allow them an opportunity to view your perspective and see what they do with it. At the end of the day, it really is just a sharing of ideas.

As I sat frustrated in my psychologist's office one day, she remarked, "Oh, I see people all the time that are convinced that they are in love with one another. They really are in a flawed relationship, but it's easier for them to exist in the state of alleged bliss than to face whatever it is they are too afraid to face - commitment with someone they truly love or otherwise." Great; that makes me feel so much better. However, her point is well taken, you cannot convince someone of anything or convey any message to anyone unless they are ready and willing to receive it, and you may be the person that they are the least likely to receive it from than anyone.

My best friend in high school hated my opinions. She hated them because, often times, I would end up being right, and she always felt like less of a person at having to accept that I had been right again and she had been wrong. As such, she would rarely accept my advice on anything, and was actually more likely to defy me than listen to me. I have attempted to learn to give such advice sparingly and only when asked, and even then, often not.

Sometimes you can't get the other person to hear you, believe you, or listen to you, but with the right company and the right issues, it doesn't make the discussion any less enjoyable.

Results

Perhaps all of my ranting and raving, and others', wasn't entirely lost on our friendly neighborhood senators, as they passed a proposed budget today that completely ignores Bush's (Jeb's not G.W.'s) call for a tax cut, and instead demands a $1.8 billion dollar increase in the budget for Florida schools. The senators point out that we need to be able to pay our teachers more in order to attract and keep the ones of quality. After all, passion is great, but it won't keep the lights on, unless you have Tesla on staff.

My week has been exhausting, both physically and emotionally, with a lot of soul searching, reading, thinking, and working. I did learn yesterday, though, from my little brother and his friends, as we played tag on the playground, that I run "really fast". Tomorrow I will go help low income people file their tax returns again, and hopefully by the end of the weekend I will have my vacation fully planned. I haven't had one in about two years and I am definitely looking forward to it.

I have more, but my eyes are burning from staring at my computer monitor all day while drafting an agreement so it will have to wait. Happy Shamrock Day, one and all.

Tolerance

In college, I had a roommate that informed me that he would never drink or do drugs during college. He was not the first to profess to me this commitment, but the conversation that we had following this statement was. His reasons for not using were much the same as mine, as were several other people's that I knew. However, everyone I knew that had made such bold statements at the onset, were never able to see them through. Because I was young and let my tongue fly at will a little too frequently, which I am still guilty of at times today, I expressed my doubts as to whether he would be able to succeed in this goal, which seemed to rouse his ire. I let the conversation die, and over the course of the year, watched him begin drinking like a fish and using various drugs.

I was not a drinker in college. In fact, I don't think I had a drop to drink until I was 21. This was not a mandated thing. It was not because my parents told me not to drink - in fact my father had encouraged it when I was younger - or because of some fear of God or anything like that. It was more because I was not sure who I would become if I drank. I had a father that would drink and become belligerent. It was concerning to me that I might end up getting drunk, losing control and doing something I regretted. So perhaps it was more a fear of myself, or more of a desire to better understand myself and the desire to confront the demons lurking within myself before I tried to deal with them while intoxicated.

Many of my friends drank and smoked weed. Some of them were very reluctant to hang out with me in the beginning because they figured I would be boring, "lame", or judgmental of what they did, but I never was. Over time, they grew to appreciate my sobriety and ability to remember what had happened the night before, and loved hanging out with me. In fact, the night I finally decided to have a drink, I had to talk two of my friends into not beating up the guy that had given me the drink - as they were convinced he was trying to peer pressure me. I really respected how supportive and accepting they had become of my decision.

I think one of the hardest things one can do in life is to not judge those that are different from themselves. It's so hard because we all have our own moral standards and beliefs, but this needs to be tempered by tolerance, for it is often through listening and discourse that we learn both more about ourselves and more about the other person involved. If you simply jump to a conclusion, you may miss out on something fantastic.

I have known people that think they know all there is to know about me because of an offhand comment I made at some point or because they are just that presumptuous. It is unavoidable that people will form opinions and thoughts about other people. It's unavoidable, but the danger comes when you refuse to ever allow your perspective to change and expand. Times, people, and circumstances change, grow, mature, whither, and die. Often our thoughts and ideas need to be willing to morph to accommodate this metamorphosis.

Great Expectations

"I'll just sleep with her."

"No, you won't. I mean that's fine if you can do it, but I know you can't. You don't just have casual sex and you're just going to wind up hurting yourself."

She was right, of course. I didn't want her to be right, though. I wanted to be like every other guy out there - able to sleep with anyone without any attachment or regret. It was too late, though. Sex (and yes, I use Clinton's definition) always meant more to me. It always meant more to me for many reasons, not the least of which being that I always knew there was the chance of getting that person pregnant - of fundamentally changing at least two lives, and if I was going to do something like that, it had better be with someone I cared about. The more I tried to disprove her, the more I ended up hurting myself. It was all good in theory, but in application ...

(Yes. Yes. I know there is birth control. However, many women I have known have had bad reactions to birth control, and pretty much every woman I have ever known does not like the guy wearing a condom. It's funny because my health classes in school taught me that men would be the ones that wouldn't want to wear a condom. Besides, condoms can break, leak, or slip off. I knew a guy that had a second child that way.)

When I started teaching, I thought I would be the cool teacher. The one that was fun and joking, taught you a lot, gave real world examples, had great stories, and gave everyone A's at the end of the semester. However, it never happened. I knew it wouldn't work out the way I had envisioned, of course. I have too much respect for the law to just let people slide by. I'll try my best to give a student every opportunity, but if they can't pull it together enough to at least spot the issues - forget it.

It seems sometimes we tell ourselves things because we want them to be true.

"Oh, he'll stop drinking."

"I won't be like my parents."

"I will never have another cigarette."

Of course, these are things that we want. They are goals. However, in the back of my mind, I always know when I'm lying to myself. It's just not going to work out the way I predict. The problem is that not all the people listening to me as I'm talking can see this mental process occurring. This is a dangerous thing because it may lead some people to take all of my talking seriously. It leads them to come to incorrect conclusions because they never ask me to seriously consider the thought. Some of my closest friends know me well enough to step back and say, "Are you serious?" And others know me well enough to just call it for what it is - wishful thinking (bullshit).

Ink for Food

I needed a new printer because the one in my office had some sort of issue with printing out cleanly. Finally, after everyone got tired of printing things out for me, I was summarily purchased a new printer. However, this left me with the question of what to do with the old one. It just seemed so senseless to throw it away - it's a perfectly good printer. Well, it could be a perfectly good printer. I wanted to recycle it, but I couldn't find anywhere in my area that accepted printers for recycling. I did find, however, that some places accepted toner cartridges for recycling and even donated the proceeds they earned on recycling them to good causes, like Big Brothers & Big Sisters or a breast cancer research fund. However, again these were not in my area, or they did not accept the toner cartridges we use.

Finally, I found a place that accepts all of our toner cartridges and uses the proceeds to feed starving people. I now have our whole firm recycling toner cartridges. So while I may not have found anything decent to do with my printer, I at least found something productive to do with the toner in it.

Motif

I never watched Sex in the City, except when my friend would put on the DVD's when I visited her, as she explained to me that it was simply the best show on TV. However, last night it was on and I was bored so I figured, eh. It didn't hurt that the very beginning of the episode touched on a theme I've been having in my life over ... a long time, but more particularly, in some ways, recently.

In this particular episode, Carrie (played by Sarah Jessica Parker) has started dating a new man. However, she is really weirded out and concerned because there simply are no problems with this guy. He's "too perfect". She keeps asking him what his flaw is - wanting to go into the relationship with her "eyes open" so that she knows if she can handle it. She asks this question: "Do people need drama in order for a relationship work?" or words to that effect.

All of my life, I have dated, been friends with, known, or otherwise been associated with women that, for whatever reason, seem to need the drama. Just the other day I got a phone call from my friend who was still bleeding from her latest beating from her lover - the police had just left. She wanted to know if she should get a restraining order. One day later, I spoke with her again, she still missed him and wanted him back - blaming herself for the whole ordeal.

My friend had a similar issue with a guy recently. I can't go too into it here because I don't know enough about it to really elaborate, but we were recently speaking about a person's inability to trust and love. The idea that the person would be more willing to spend their life with someone that they were just sort of into instead of the man or woman that they loved, seemed to repulse her.

"It's safer. You'll find that oftentimes, running from safety is the thing we find easiest to do."

My former psychologist once counseled me on love. He explained to me that love, true love, would be the most exciting and scariest part of my life. "You will have found this amazing woman who you love and who brings so much joy to your life. A person that you simply adore, but at the same time you will have to expose yourself to the enormous potential for pain by allowing this person into your heart. The very idea of losing that person can be more painful than some can ever bear."

My next psychologist - I moved - explained a little further: "Some people just can't trust or they are insecure and believe that they do not deserve love for whatever reason. Something from their past, something within them refuses to allow that connection, or to take that risk. It's simply too scary for them to trust."

One girl I went on a date or two with told me that she was reading a book by a psychologist/sociologist that explained the human condition of our generation and its inability to open up and trust in relationships. A whole generation of fear. She felt like she could really identify with the book - I should have run right then and there.

Meanwhile the people that seem so unwilling to trust and so often eager to run from safety, often seem to wind up in the arms of unhappiness. The girl that called me bleeding used to date a really great guy; a guy that loved her, was always there for her, and gave her his heart - and not in a wimpy way, but just genuinely. This was unacceptable to her and so she needed something else, which I guess she has now found, and the more he beats her, the more she loves him. I dated a girl that broke up with me one day because things between us were just "too good". I'll never forget the day. I sat there just staring blankly - not really knowing if this was for real. She ended up dating a guy that cheated on her, but she kept going back for more.

I have friends that are with people other than the person that they loved so violently and passionately and I have to ask myself if that's the way it's supposed to be. Is that the answer that one is to rest with at the end of their journey. Is it simply something so ingrained in our thinking that we are unwilling to accept easy and good. It is easier to settle with someone that we don't love too much so that we never have to risk that fear of pain and regret ever again, but is the easiest course of action always the best course or is the path less traveled the way to true happiness?

Weekend Plans

Everyone needs a hobby I guess. With my spare time yesterday, I prepared two individual income tax returns, and reviewed a third, all so that I could take a test and prove that I was worthy of voluteering with the IRS Volunteer Income Tax Assistance ("VITA"). Basically, it's a free tax preparation assistance service that the IRS offers for low income people. Once I'm a full fledged volunteer, I can use their tax preparation software, but until then, I was forced to use nothing but my wits alone. Scary.

I don't prepare a lot of individual returns in my practice. The task is much more suited, in my opinion, to an accountant or someone much more familiar with individual income tax laws. However, they only have two volunteers at the site I'll be working at and neither speaks English very well. Plus, the people I'll be helping don't make a lot anyway so their tax returns will likely be less complicated and if I screw up, it probably can't result in that much of a tax difference.

As you probably guessed from the last paragraph, I successfully passed the test. Although, I really wish there was an IRS person or accountant that I could ask some questions to, as through the process of completing the form, I came up with several. I think it would be helpful to me and the people I'm going to assist, going forward. Heck, they should offer this process as a class - that would be even more helpful.

So there's something one can do on a weekend.

Lazy Blogger

Yup, that's me. I've been so out of the blogging world. I've just been very introspective as of late and much of what I have to write ends up in my journal.

The hot nineteen year old that I have sometimes written about here called me last week to ask how she could take out a restraining order against Mr. Wonderful, the drug addict. Apparently, he not only kept using, but started hitting her, became emotionally abusive, and attempted to control her. But she wouldn't call the cops on him because she was too afraid of him - they were still living together and he wouldn't leave. My favorite story involved him paying her cell phone bill and then giving her a list of people that she was allowed to talk to. I haven't heard from her since.

I took my car in for an oil change on Saturday, and walked away with over $500 in repairs. Apparently, the tires that I bought two years ago, which were supposed to last 75,000 miles ... yeah, two of them didn't make it. They said I should get them rotated more often, but I get them rotated with every oil change. Bah. I still don't understand why I didn't get new tires for free if the ones I bought were supposed to last so long. I'll have to dig out the warranty.

I have been reading a lot about religion, all sorts of religions, and the historical aspects of some of the religions. Some of it is really confusing. I feel like I'll spend hours just trying to learn one thing and end up right back where I started at the end. I still think it can be really interesting, though. However, everything else related to this topic belongs in my journal for now.

I'm going to a hockey game tomorrow. It should be fun, even though The Panthers will likely lose. I haven't been to a hockey game in years, and I happened to get really good seats for this game. Very exciting. I wish it was on a Friday, though, so that I wouldn't have to wake up early the next day and go to work.

That's all I've got. Trust me, the juicy stuff is all in my handy journal, or in my brain ... somewhere.

In This House, On This Morning

She had been raving about it for weeks. I figured I should try it. I like taking an interest in the things that important to the people I care about. It helps me understand them better and sometimes helps me understand myself better. For example, I'll go shopping for shoes and clothes if it means I'm going to get to spend time with someone I care about and learn more about their tastes and how they think. You'd be surprised how much you can learn about someone just by taking the time and putting forth a little effort.

"You don't want to go."

"Of course, I want to go. If I didn't, I wouldn't have brought it up, repeatedly."

"But you never go."

"I never go to lots of places without other people." This was true. I started going to the gym in college because my friend and roommate started going - it became the thing to do. I would go to dinner with the people in my dorm because it was fun. I joined Spanish Club in high school because I was following my friend into the room. I wasn't even in Spanish class. I've been told it's because I have extroverted tendencies, but I think it's just because I like being around my friends, and can have fun doing almost anything with them. I bought an X Box and Gamecube because my friends and I used to play video games all the time. When I stopped hanging out with them, though, I stopped playing video games. I don't think I've used either console in about a year. This is not to say that I do things that I don't like merely to please others - it's an important distinction and one that I consciously make daily. I like playing video games. I like going to the gym, I still go today, even by myself. It's just, for me, many things are often better shared.

I go to certain activities never knowing what to expect. I figure it's better not to have high or low expectations about certain things, and to just allow them to unfold as everything progresses. I think if you go into something with a positive attitude, it often helps lead to a positive experience. Although, some events cannot be salvaged no matter how positive your attitude might be.

I showed up a little early. Parking was crazy. I had never seen such a turnout. There were parking attendants directing traffic and just an ocean of cars. Good thing I was a little early! Were they going to be giving away door prizes? Was there an early bird special? This seemed to be the place where everyone who was anyone was going to show up this night.

The speaker was unexpected. Not that there was one, of course, but the identity of the person. Apparently, the usual speaker was on vacation. She wouldn't be pleased, I was sure - to come all this way and for the divine orator to not be there. I, fortunately, had nothing to compare our substitute to, and was equally satisfied with this speaker as the hypothetical amazing one that I had heard so much about.

"So did you like it?"

"Yeah, I really did." Two hours, minimum, of discourse ensued. Plus an additional hour of listening to a recording of the fantastic orator I had heard so much about. I could see why she felt a little disappointed at his not being there tonight.

It was really an amazing experience. I think I will definitely be going back. It's not like this had been my first time going to church, but it had been the first time I had gone where I felt really just happy and enthused after having been there. Having someone I cared about with me, with whom I could share thoughts and ideas and could discuss the experience with after, certainly didn't hurt either.

In-N-Out Love

These folks ate a 100x100 at In-N-Out. They are freaking crazy.

Effective Compensation My Foot!

Below is a copy of the email I sent this morning to a couple newspaper editors, Florida's Governor, Jeb, and all of Florida's Senators.

I'm really mad that I didn't know anything about the above referenced topic. Not only did I not know about it, but none of my colleagues had ever heard of it either, and I like to consider myself well educated current on events.

I think the media, as a whole, is doing a lackluster job at keeping the public informed and hasn't been doing a very good job at making any of the politicians in our country accountable and on their collective heels. This is truly unfortunate because I view the media as the last check and balance. One of the only mediums that truly allows for the empowerment of the public.

Our schools are failing, No Child Left Behind has been a failure. The statistics relating to its success have been rebuked and scoffed at. The stories regarding these issues wind up on some back page that almost no one ever reads. When did the education of our children take such a low priority in local news? Why is every news media source more devoted to the national stories that the stories that more directly effect and impact our local neighborhoods?

Education is one of the greatest mechanisms we have today to level the playing field, to foster a better economy, provide greater opportunity, keep people off the streets, and off of drugs. The NCCP (http://www.nccp.org/pub_pei04.html) lists the following brief statistics: Nearly two-thirds of children in low-income families have parents without any college education; 82% of children whose parents do not have a high school degree live in low-income families; and, only 22% of children whose parents have at least some college education live in low-income families. Clearly, education makes a difference. However, the no one pays any attention to it.

Our educators in Florida make less than over half the educators in the country, meanwhile we have some of the highest real estate costs, and cost of living, overall. We want to attract the best and the brightest educators, meanwhile businesses are having trouble attracting new professionals - even with promise of $70,000 or $80,000 per year salaries. (See Sun-Sentinel, "High Pay No Lure as Home Costs Escalate", February 12, 2006). Obviously, we are going to have even greater difficulty attracting and keeping the best and the brightest educators with a system like this. Teachers need to be paid more period. This should not be something reserved only for those teachers that are willing to teach in lower performing schools or for those teachers that happen to be teaching students that have the most dramatic improvement on a standardized test. Since when did standardized tests ever show a person's ability at anything. Statisticians have proven standardized tests as faulty every year. Now we want to base how much a teacher makes based on the results of a faulty test.

"Standardized tests fail to measure creativity, thoughtfulness, perceptiveness, judgment, diligence, critical thinking, communication skills, problem solving or imagination – to name just a few attributes of genuine intelligence. What they do reward is thinking and memorization skills that have little importance in the world of work, higher education, family, or citizenship. "Exacerbating the problem, the tests exhibit persistent racial and gender bias, disadvantaging people of color, girls, and women in competitive spheres from primary to graduate school."

(See Ralph Nader, "High Stakes Tests", http://www.sfbg.com/nader/125.html; Allan Nairn & Ralph Nader, The reign of ETS : the corporation that makes up minds (1980); Marion Brady, The Standards Juggernaut, http://www.pdkintl.org/kappan/kbra0005.htm; and High-Stakes Testing, —Where We've Been and Where We Are, An Interview with Professor Daniel Koretz, http://www.gse.harvard.edu/news/features/koretz03212002.html).

This is a completely inappropriate approach and is based on a faulty presumption that teaching is just like any other job. There is a belief that all it is is thdisseminationon of information, but it is far more than that. Teachers are responsible for helping to shape and mold our children for years to come. They are there not only to help infuse knowledge into our children, but to help teach them how to behave appropriately, use propejudgmentnt, be creative, use their imaginations, etc. The impact of having a quality education are clearly immeasurable. However, we all sweep it to the back of our minds. No one wants to pay more taxes. No one wants to acknowledge how little our teachers are being paid. Most often I see a Florida teacher's salary marked at $50,000.00. Teachers have to be teaching in the same county for a quarter of a century before they make anything close to that figure. Many are making half that. How is this supposed to attract the best and the brightest.

It's unfortunate that I have to dig for this information and that my media, whose job it is supposed to be to investigate and report, is completely failing to inform me of these facts. They have completely failed to inform me of what is going on in my society and have not forced me to take a hard look at what is happening. It's unfortunate and unacceptable that I have to end up doing all the investigating and reporting myself. You in the media have the opportunity to have a huge effect of better our society as a whole simply by doing your jobs. This opportunity should not be squandered.