Loss

"I lost a cat once."

"Oh God."

"I loved that cat."

"You hate cats."

"Can you blame me; it ruined me for all others."

"I can't believe you're drawing this comparison."

"Mark Twain said, 'The Impartial Friend: Death, the only immortal who treats us all alike, whose pity and whose peace and whose refuge are for all--the soiled and the pure, the rich and the poor, the loved and the unloved.'"

"Now Twain knew a thing or two about death, having lost his father-in-law, a family friend, his wife, his son, and two of his three daughters."

"Makes the loss of my cat sound silly."

"It doesn't seem fair that some people have to experience so much loss in their lives while others go on swimmingly. That a man has to watch the majority of his family die before he does or that a new born child loses his mother before he ever gets to know her. Death doesn't just touch the one person but everyone that they have contact with. It's like a blanket with a hole in it."

"No one ever said life was fair."

"My godmother died when I was younger. I suppose that may not be a big deal to some, but I actually loved my godmother, and her death was just so sudden. I had just seen her that morning and she was fine. Later that night she was hospitalized, and a few days later, she was dead. I never even got to say goodbye."

"Perhaps it's not about saying goodbye that's the most important. Maybe it's the enjoying them while they are here that is most important. The memories and experiences that you both shared are things that will pass on into the future, so long as you remember them and share them with others. Sure some people will write amazing things like Tom Sawyer or Symphony No. 9 or have impressive monuments built in their memory. However, for most of us, it is through others' memories of us that we, in a sense, achieve immortality."

"It sucks to have to say goodbye."

"Of course it does, but it would have sucked even more if you had never met that person and enjoyed their company and savored those moments that touched, shaped, and bettered your life. We are all going to die, every single one of us, but that shouldn't mean that we live in fear as a result. Instead, it should inspire us to live every moment of every day as though it could be our last, and to create memories and share times with the people that are closest to us. It is rare that I hear anyone, at the end of their lives, say, 'I wish I had worked more.'"

"It doesn't make us miss any less."

"No, in fact if they have done their job right, you'll miss them all the more, but that also means that you had some amazing times together and that you will carry them with you forever. Through you, they live."

Moving Day

My friend is moving. She's trying to allocate her life to boxes and relocate it to a more suitable geographic location. Unfortunately, her life does not seem to want to fit into her small geometrical containers and seems to be fighting her at every turn, like a cat being placed into a bath. Complicating matters further, she is not convinced that her destination is more suitable, and she is instead being dragged kicking a screaming to the new location.

Our lives begin simply enough - we start out with a room (those of us that have families that can afford us such a degree of space). Our entire lives are contained in that room. However, over time, our room expands, and grows into an apartment, a condo, or a house. Suddenly our lives sprawl about multiple rooms, and we are left wondering both how we got to have so much space and why there isn't enough space for everything.

Unfortunately for my friend, our lives and the things that we accumulate are never quite confined to the room we begin with or its many descendants, as we are more than a collection of items. We are a collection of thoughts, memories, friendships, interactions, and hundreds of other intangibles that cannot and will not be boxed and transplanted like a common potted plant.

We separate from that which we know for that which is unknown, and rarely is the unknown any less scary than where we are. We leave behind the bonds and friendships that we have spent so much time forming, and which we fear we may never experience again. We fear what the future holds and if we will be equipped to handle it, and sometimes more than anything, we sit annoyed at the concept of having to rebuild and begin again, almost with nothing to show for it but all the stuff that's being packed away in boxes. The memories will travel with her, some of the friends will remain in-touch, with emails and phone calls, but the shared experiences and face-to-face interactions will be lacking, and will be missed on all sides.

It reminds me of my best friend in law school who decided that she was going off to study tax law, and as I wished her luck, she stared at me and said, "Oh no you don't; you're coming with me."

Blinded by the Light

A solar eclipse is a rare event indeed but no more rare than when I have every single one of my friends express their excitement and joy at the prospect of me never speaking to another friend again. It makes you start to wonder how much they have been holding back all of that time, and it makes me almost feel sympathy for them, as I have been that person. The person waiting and hoping that the other will wake the hell up and end the madness sooner rather than later.

Something that I have often noticed is that friends do not really dislike these other people for any reason other than the fact that they cause chaos and sadness in your life. If one day the other person woke up, changed and became an entirely different person (which is often what you have been hoping for this whole time anyway, let's face it) and stopped hurting and upsetting you, your friends would likely be hunky dory with them. It is often not the other person that they dislike, but instead, the witnessing of their friend's pain and turmoil that they cannot stand. Often the two are inseparable, however.

No one likes to see their friends or anyone else that they love suffer, and they often wish that they could impart the magic words or advice that will help their friend avoid the accident that they see looming ahead. You can see them sitting there, thinking to themselves, "They should really just take the local roads because the interstate is backed up." Unfortunately, many people often need to drive the routes for themselves to truly understand what is looming ahead, and even some of the greatest words of wisdom will not be fully understood until the person finally gets stuck in traffic. It is an unfortunate state of affairs, as often some of the best advice we are offered, we simply cannot accept in the spirit that it is given.

Sometimes the person attempting to provide this insight and wisdom will become too distracted from their own driving, in their attempt to help another, and will cause an accident of their own. They forget to keep their eyes on the road, and neglect the most crucial advice ever provided. The only thing that we can ever do in these situations is wait and hope. After all, one of those very people that all of my friends hated is now one of my best friends today.

Herman

I probably found this photo entirely too amusing, but this is Herman, the largest bunny I have ever seen in my life.

Checking It Twice

"There's a balance to be struck between your list of qualifications and reality."

"I spent a lot of time constructing my list."

"Yes, I know, and how proud you must be of it too. However, someone else shaped reality and they didn't really give a damn about your stupid list."

"No need to be testy about the whole thing. You want a cookie?"

"Your list is nothing more than a set of criteria you are looking for. You likely will never get someone that satisfies all of it. You really want someone that satisfies the major factors you are looking for."

"How will I -"

"Because the key factors should be the ones that overlap with a best friend. Granted there is more to a romantic relationship than friendship - there needs to be some attraction and passion, but needs and circumstances are going to change over time, and without the basic fundamental things that cement the relationship, which will often be the same things that form the foundation of your closest friendships, the relationship does not stand as good of a chance of actually lasting over time."

"Are you sure you don't want a cookie?"

"Will you forget the damn cookie?"

"I really think you would like the cookie."

*Rolls eyes* "Too often I have found people marry or date for the completely wrong reasons, and then when things go wrong, they just can't understand what happened, and what happened is that they didn't marry their best friend. They married something less than that. Maybe because the other person fit all of these other qualifications that they thought they wanted or needed that week - fat, thin, short, tall, sex, whatever. Granted, these are all things that one might look for in a partner, but they don't outline the basic fundamental ingredients of what they needed."

"It's like making a cookie with no sugar."

"God I pity the woman that ends up with you."

"She doesn't exist."

"What a waste of perfectly good cookie making abilities."

"No kidding."

"You often have emphasized the wrong things, in my opinion, in your pursuit of your next girlfriend. I will grant you that the dating pool sucks quite a bit and that the entire process can, at times, be completely disheartening. However, I think it's important that you keep your priorities in order during the course of your search, and at least form realistic ideas of the different women you will encounter."

"I'm not looking."

"Well then she will find you."

The Wrong Kind of Wrong

She had invited me to meet her for a drink. The thought hadn't seemed like an entirely good idea, as I wasn't sure I had any desire to ever see this person again. It's not that she is a bad person; I just didn't recall particularly enjoying her company, and I knew she wanted to get back together with me (if you can consider a week as "together"). I wasn't convinced that was a good idea. Besides, my day had also been particularly bad and it seemed that this activity could either make it a little bit better of monumentally worse.

So I went. Yes, I know that doesn't seem to make a lot of sense given my logical reasoning. However, I had to go. I had to go because no matter how much some of my friends seem to feel that I'm comfortable not being in a relationship, I'm really not and sometimes (particularly on really bad days) my desire to share my life with someone else becomes particularly heightened. Unfortunately, I'm never able to lower my standards or whore myself out for a drink or six.

I sat down and immediately felt uncomfortable. I didn't want to be there. I knew I didn't want to be there, but somehow I had to find a way to sit there and locate the words to explain to this person that I just wanted to be friends, except I didn't want to be friends. If I'm going to be friends with someone, I have to actually enjoy their company and care about what they think, say, and do. I didn't care about anything coming out of this woman's mouth. I desperately wanted to find a way to disappear - perhaps become invisible and slide out through the door. Maybe she would need to use the restroom and I would be gone before her return.

The more uncomfortable I became, the more I needed a drink because I needed to do something, anything to dull my complete sense of displeasure. It's these encounters more than anything that reaffirm to me exactly what and who I want, and have only the effect of depressing me further as I realize she is not there. Suddenly things become melancholy and a drink seems like the only logical solution (escape). It's also encounters like these that reaffirm to me my newest revelation - there is something worse than not dating anyone - dating the wrong person.

North Korea

Last week, I awoke to the sound of a news report explaining that North Korea had fueled a long range missile and that they may fire it at the United States. If you don't think that's enough to wake me up, you would be mistaken. My immediate thought, other than, should I really go to work given that World War III could be just around the corner was, why the hell isn't this a major news story - why is this the first I'm hearing about it and why haven't I heard about this before the actual fueling of the missile.

When we were gearing up the nation for the war on Iraq, I couldn't go anywhere without hearing people speculate about weapons of mass destruction (WMDs). Now we have a crazy guy with a long range missile, who has stated that he will fire it at the United States, and nothing. Nothing! Eventually, I found some news wires regarding the subject on the Internet, and I learned that our government was going to approach this situation with diplomacy. What?! Since when did we become advocates of diplomacy?

We attacked a country when we didn't even know if they had any weapons it could use against us, and now we want to practice the art of negotiation with a country led by a crazy guy that we are sure has nuclear weapons and that doesn't seem afraid to use them? How arbitrary and illogical is that? Then North Korea fired six or seven missiles the other day and what was the response? People talked about a resolution condemning the action. Are you kidding?

North Korea really has nothing to lose, as it has no real economy other than bombs. So really if it could start a war, business would be booming ... so to speak. The fact that we do not seem to be doing anything other than standing around saying, "Don't do that. Stop. No." seems absolutely crazy to me, given our track record of bombing people that we even suspect of having weapons that could kill us. This is not to say that we should go to war with them. I think war is an incredibly costly endeavor, both with respect to environmental, human, and monetary resources. We could probably get equally good or better results with aid and relief.

Yes, that may sound incredibly stupid - give the crazy bomb people money, the terrorists will have won. However, if the global community recognizes that in certain situations, providing relief to countries that have no real income source other than bomb making and arms trading is a less costly solution, we may actually save lives and money.

Change for Me

"I refuse to date another woman that I care about."

"Oh Jeez. You've lost your mind again. I warned you about doing that."

"I haven't lost my mind. I'm just tired of getting hurt. I think it's better to be with someone I just mildly enjoy than someone I actually love. I seem to perform much better in those relationships."

"You're not letting this one go are you?"

"I think women should all have that Fox Mulder poster hanging in their rooms - 'I Want To Believe'. They all seem to wander around desperately hoping that the man they have fallen for will somehow change, act differently, appreciate them more, stop hitting them, drink less, buy them flowers, spend more time with them, want to do the dishes, etc. Meanwhile the men they find that actually meet these qualifications, just 'aren't a good fit' or are 'too easy'."

"Wow. You even worked an X-Files reference into your theory. This is fantastic. You could become a monk."

"It has always been my experience that all the women I was terrible to stayed with me and kept expecting me to change - to commit to them and them alone, to see some bright spark burning in their eyes and the kind deeds they did and be convinced that I wanted to change and that they were the one for me all along."

"Yeah, but you were too busy pursuing women that didn't do these things, hoping they would see that 'rare spark burning in your eyes'. God, who writes your inner dialogue?"

"We want what we can't have?"

"We all want to feel appreciated and special. Think of the ramifications if a person actually changes for you. How would that make you feel other than God-like? A person totally changed who they were and what they were doing for you? That's such an ego-trip. However, by doing this you are placing your sense of self worth in the hands of another as you seek some intangible approval; some recognition that this person cares. You have somehow neglected to associate caring with a person that actually does all of those things that you wish someone would do. Instead, caring to you has become 'if they change then they love me'. Of course, if they actually change, you'll probably leave and if they don't change, you'll probably leave."

What are you saying?"

"You're no better than most other people out there, but you have one tremendous thing going for you."

"Hmmm?"

"You can change yourself."

I Love Rock and Roll

"What's your name?"

I had been people watching. For on a night such as this, in a place such as I was, that seemed like the right thing to do. (I probably should have brought my camera, but I often only think of such things in retrospect.) There was a competition where women were dancing in their bras to receive the most cheers. There appeared to be a plethora of college students coming back to their small hometown to show each other what they had learned at school. Oh and of course, there was the alcohol flowing, making everyone just a little looser than they already were upon their entry into the establishment.

The woman addressing me now was the second or third in the span of an hour, despite my best efforts to put on an air of aloofness. She had previously been getting more or less attacked by two men likely looking to engage in some sort of physical entertainment by the end of the night, but neither seemed to have found a way behind her defenses. As she caught my eye and uttered her very first words to me, I wondered if she realized she didn't have a chance, and that she would do better to return to her exciting simple times with the two other suitors.

It's not that she wasn't attractive. Clearly, she had earned the affections of a few already, and the boldness she showed in approaching me, asking for my name, and throwing out the line, "You're so attractive; you could be with anyone in here. Why are you standing here alone?" was alluring. However, my mind was elsewhere and my heart was entirely unmoved.