It's All in the Name

"I thought you were going to Europe."

"I am."

"Hmmm, that sure doesn't appear to be the right direction."

"It's the scenic route."

My new plan is to go to Cartagena, Colombia in April. Why Colombia? I don't know. I've met people from there and they seem nice, the flights are cheap and my money is worth gobs and gobs more there than in Europe.

But what happened to Europe? Oh, it's there. I know it is because stories about it have been flooding my TV screen for days. However, my travel buddy probably can't go anymore and it's a lot more expensive to go alone than when you can share costs with someone else. My friend in Germany is now living in Palestine. (Yes, I said Palestine, and yes, he is American.) Plus I have a lot of student loans to pay off - my penance for wanting to be educated.

I thought you were an attorney? Don't you make lots of money?

No, not really. If I worked at a large firm and sold my soul and life, I'm sure I could have a decent living, but I could obtain the same result by retaining my current job and taking a second job somewhere else. When you compare how much you make to the amount of time you work, it all starts to become clear that you really are working quite diligently for your money. I have friends that work or have worked at those wonderful ivory tower firms. One lost her marriage over it, another burned out in a year, a third is moving to D.C. simply to rid herself of her abusive boss. Yeah, I'm not sure the money is worth the price one is forced to pay. Attorneys can make lots of money over time, though. It's an earning potential thing - we start out where others cap off.

I don't blame people for not understanding the law field or what I do. It's the same thing when I talk to my friends that are doctors.

"I know what you do. I watch Scrubs and ER."

"Oh that's such bullshit."

The truth is I don't have the faintest idea what they do. I suppose they treat the sick, but I don't know how much work actually goes into it. I just know what I've heard, experienced and seen on TV. I know that I go to the doctor, he or she sees me for 10 minutes, prescribes some medicine, and gets paid a lot of money from my HMO. Not a bad gig, I think to myself. I'm sure my clients think the same thing when they meet with me. They have no idea how much work goes on behind the scenes, the public record searches, the reconstructing history, negotiating with other attorneys, long winded discussions with people that need to say their peace in order for you to actually get the information you need out of them. I think it's like that with a lot of industries. My doctor friends have a strong aversion to attorneys because they think all we do is sue doctors. Even though, I'm the type of attorney that can be a doctor's best friend, as I help protect their assets.

"A tax attorney? You must be busy this time of year."

"No. I am not an accountant or a CPA. I didn't go to law school and get a Master of Laws in Taxation so that I could file people's individual tax returns."

It's the natural assumption, though. Even other attorneys have no idea what a tax attorney does. They all think we just file tax returns all day. It's all in the name. You think tax, and all the average person thinks of is April 15th. There are so many other tax issues out there, however. For example, estate tax returns, which are filed nine months after a person dies. International tax, both at the individual and corporate level, determining the best way to structure a sale or purchase of real estate, a business, issuing stock, forming entities, minimizing tax exposure on transactions and determining what the law is so that the CPA - the one handling your tax return - knows what the law is so he or she can plug in the correct numbers. The only times I can think of that I ever prepared a tax return, it was either for myself, a special client or circumstance, or for amended returns in anticipation, or during, a tax audit.

A Solution

I may have found the perfect solution to my ultimate dilemma - how to have a private journal.

I love my blog because it allows me to share parts of my life with my friends and the world at large. However, there are certain aspects of my life that I prefer to keep private. It's nothing personal.... Well actually, it is, that's the point. It's all rather personal. I used to keep my journal in email form but then when my computer or hard drive crashed, I lost my journal. I then switched to this online format, but it's not really sufficient, not for the private aspects of my life. Hence, I've been keeping a written journal to supplement.

I like the ability of blogs to organize everything by dates, and in some cases categories. I like the convenience of being able to access and update them from anywhere. I appreciate the fact that I can type, cut and past, and more efficiently edit my entries as I go. I think through typing, and so it is much easier for me to commit a collection of thoughts through typing than through writing. At the same time, sometimes, all I have is a pen and paper.

I don't like the idea, however, of having to worry about who has access to my life. Even if I kept a Live Journal and locked it down so it could only be read by my friends - I'm not sure who has the rights to my writing. I'm not sure how secure the system is, and I'm not sure what would happen to it if Live Journal got a cyber attack or just shut down. It's not stable. It seems like everyone is able to find people private information in today's society and I would prefer to protect the parts I want to protect.

I wanted a journal that could fit on a flash drive so that I didn't have to worry about computers crashing. I could have it on the computer, but I wanted to be able to back it up and use it off of a flashdrive - this would also allow me to take it and use it more places. I wanted something I could password protect. It would be nice if it could interface with blogs, download previous posts and upload others. Categories would be a delicious ingredient, as would the ability to integrate written posts with typed ones. Oh, and I'd like it to be cheap.

My initial search did not yield many exciting results. All of them were expensive and none of them offered exactly what I wanted. But then I found This. I have to say, this program seems to have absolutely everything I could possibly want in a journal. It even integrates voice posting. I can't imagine anything better and at such a low price - especially considering all of its features.

Are any of you familiar with this program?

Cycling

I have another working theory, and this one should not piss you off any conservatives. Well ... hopefully it won't. I repeat, this is a working theory only. It's just sort of been playing around in my head.

Some people go through life and can completely live in denial or whatever and cope with it. Like a lifetime alcoholic or a girl that stays in troubled relationships all her life because it's too much work to get out. Others, can't. They live in almost a dichotomy as they know something is leaving them unsatisfied but can't seem to put their finger on what. I think it's a search for their own inner peace. Often, I believe, the period after a breakup is a very good time for introspection and self-analysis, but few take advantage of this opportunity as it is easier to substitute. It's easier to not have to deal with the hurt and the pain and the rest. It's easier to avoid. I know because I do it a lot.

I think everyone has the potential to learn and grow and I think there are road signs along the way that say, "Hey look" but I think it's a question of desire, and an ability to recognize what you are seeing. A person has to see the road signs in order for them to actually have an impact. I knew a woman that could claim, and genuinely believe, that her husband never beat her children while not 100 feet away, her husband was beating her children. There has to be a recognition of a problem before anything can possibly ever change, and even once the problem is recognized and the person decides to start down a new path, it's easy to turn back around, often easier than continuing down this path less traveled, as you know the other path much better than the new one.

Safety is a confusing concept. We find safety and comfort in those things that are familiar. Even the things that may be better for us may prove initially unacceptable because they are different and feel uncomfortable, like new shoes. Avoiding an intimate relationship with a person you are in love with can, for some, be much less comfortable than to be in a relationship with someone you only half-way care about. The stakes are lower. To ask a person to do something entirely different, can be about the equivalent of asking someone to never use their left arm again.

Everyone is individual and unique. All will be touched by different events in different ways, and will cope with such occurrences in different ways. Perspective is the fundamental key to understanding. So long as person does not believe that anything is wrong, nothing is wrong. The woman that didn't believe her husband beat her children, my friend who convinces herself everyday that her significant other no longer uses - even when he's lied about repeatedly in the last month, the alcoholic on his fifth bottle of scotch that night, and the battered woman who has just endured and accepted the third punch of the evening, are all walking down their paths and perceive things as ok or they feel that there is just no other way, and so long as one believes this, they are right because it's their reality.

Adventures in Dating

"You should date more."

"No, really, I'm good."

"But happiness is found through dating and finding that special someone."

"I'm done searching for now. Maybe that special someone should get up off their ass and come find me. What I have to do all the work? Since when did I have to fall for some lazy-ass? Besides, some of the happiest friends I have are of the single variety."

People sometimes wonder why I don't date more. So I thought I would give a description of a recent second date that I had. The first date was good. Not great. Not earth shattering. Not, "oh my God this is amazing." But good. So good that we decided we should make plans for a second date. She wanted to do a weekend matinee. Knowing that she liked breakfast, I suggested maybe a brunch followed by a movie, but she declined, reasoning that she enjoyed her sleep time, but then deciding that she wanted to see a movie at 1:00. Weird, brunch is at 1:00. Whatever. Later, when I found the showtime for the movie we wanted to see was at 3:00 she suggested we do lunch and then the movie. Ok, it was just as good when I suggested that two days ago, but I'm sure it sounds better coming from your lips.

The place she selected for lunch evidently closed and so I suggested we go to another place I knew she liked, Stir Crazy. We had a 25 minute wait and the restaurant is in a mall so she wanted to walk around. I mentioned that I had to go to Abercrombie and Fitch to buy a gift card for the partner's daughter. However, it turned out the store was on the far end of the mall and would have just been a hassle. She wanted to go to Crate and Barrel, which was right there, and look at pillows. Cool. Next she needed to look at shoes at the Footlocker.

We sat down to eat about 20 minutes later. However, she wasn't making eye contact with me, wasn't really asking me anything about me; it was really all about her.

"Are you tired?"

"No. Why?"

"You just seem to be a little out of it."

"No. I'm good. Actually, you seem to be really out of it."

"Hmm, I feel fine. I did wake up at 4:30 this morning, but otherwise, I'm good."

"Maybe we shouldn't do this."

"Hmmm?"

"I don't want to deal with this awkwardness. Maybe we should just not do this before it gets bad."

"It's going to get bad?"

"Well not bad. Look I have a really good friend in from out of town and I'd much rather go hang out with them than sit here having an awkward moment with someone that follows me into Crate and Barrel."

"Would you have rather I had waited outside?"

"Dating shouldn't be about this. It should be fun and laughing and it should be about going into Crate and Barrel to pick out pillows or going to find new shoes or any missions!"

"But ... you wanted to go to Crate and Barrel and to pick out shoes. These were your ideas."

"I don't want to do this."

She stormed out of the restaurant.

Nice.

Guts and Balls

I thought this was funny.

We've all heard about people having guts or balls, but do you really know the difference between them? In an effort to keep you informed, the definition of each is listed below.

GUTS - is arriving home late after a night out with the guys, being assaulted by your wife with a broom, and having the guts to ask, "Are you still cleaning or are you flying somewhere?"

BALLS - is coming home late after a night out with the guys smelling of perfume and beer, lipstick on your collar, slapping your wife on the ass and having the balls to say, "You're next!"

He's Got a Great Personality

Stephanie was talking about The Myers Briggs Test today, which is ironic because I've been thinking about it for a week now. Anyway, I went ahead and took it and ended up testing the same today as I did back when I was in undergrad; I am still an ENTJ (only 2% of the population is this type, or so they say).

Strength of the preferences %

Extroverted 44
Intuitive 50
Thinking 12
Judging 44

You are:

* moderately expressed extrovert
* moderately expressed intuitive personality
* slightly expressed thinking personality
* moderately expressed judging personality

I honestly have no idea what it means. I did know one psychologist that had every one of his patients take the exam when they began treatment. He thought it helped him predict or understand their coping mechanisms and personalities better and quicker I guess. However, I have never actually been told to take the test. I have always taken it of my on volition. I was, however, made to take another personality exam by a potential employer (an attorney no less). In fact, I think I still have a pdf of the exam results on my computer - if it ever works again. It was the strangest requirement I had ever encountered. He paid the $50.00 for me to take it, though.

Oh well. These things are always interesting, even if I have no idea what exactly they mean, or what sort of impact they really should have on my life.

The Machine, She No Work

I pushed the button, waiting for the phosphorous glow to shine upon my face and the mysteries of the world to be revealed to my eyes, and nothing happened. Huh? I pushed it again. Nothing. Weird. Wiggle the plug. Nope. Battery is fully charged too. (To add insult to injury, as I hunted for a screwdriver to try and determine the culprit, my old cell phone fell out of my closet and broke the glass I was carrying.)

The next day led to comparison pricing. I was not in the mood to spend over a thousand dollars for a new one. This really sucked. However, there was a light at the end of the tunnel. Dell has a repair depot, and they flat rate the repairs at $199 (including shipping and a big fat 90 day warranty), unless the motherboard or monitor is broken, then it's $498). Talk about unexpected costs, but I was not in the mood for spending a thousand dollars on a new one so I opted for the half price deal.

My friend got a new job doing sales and marketing. I think he'll be making more than I do in a year, and he didn't have to go to law school either. What's wrong with this picture? I think I should make more, or I should go into sales and marketing, one of the two.

Late Night Confessions

Her children were elsewhere in the voluminous house, finishing their homework.

"You know just before I met my husband, I dated a man that was sweet, loving, and caring. I end up married to a man that won't show me a drop of emotion without me exerting an ocean of effort." She had a forlorn look across her face, absolute agony threatened to escape.

"Why did you breakup with him?"

"He wanted a commitment; he wanted a family. He was ready and I just wasn't. I couldn't give him what he wanted, so I left him. By the time I was ready, he had already found a woman, a really great woman. He has children now, and is very happy. Now and again he calls me." She swallowed. Regret and acceptance in her eyes.

"Wow. I never knew."

"You know my husband once got angry with me and said, 'You still love him don't you?'. To which I replied, 'Well of course I still love him. I am with you and I am faithful to you but there will always be a part of me that loves him and you're just going to have to accept it.' It was never really discussed again."

Hammer and Nails

Soon I will be J, The Builder.

My only friends in the area are all moving, mostly owing to career changes. One has an abusive boss and she figured that seeing she was going to quit anyway, might as well move to D.C. or New York. Another had a boss that needed to have a life changing operation, from which she may never recover, and when the boss left, the office closed. A third will be finishing school in May and will likely move home. My friends are not only dwindling, they're almost non-existent, and as I have described before, my career does not exactly lend itself to meeting people my own age. Maybe I really should get a part time job at Barnes and Noble.

In any event, I decided to join Habitat for Humanity. I am not sure if my local chapter will have many people my own age but at least I will be getting out there and meeting people and giving back a little more. Besides I have very little experience with construction of any kind (other than landscaping) so maybe I can learn a thing or two. It could be a complete waste and I may wash out in the first month, but I've got to try something to meet people.

In the meantime, I still have plenty of books to read, places to go, movies to see, pictures to take, a gym that has missed me, networking functions to attend, and a job that keeps me busy. So I shouldn't be too bored. I suppose sometimes, it's not about boredom, but about loneliness. The quiet can be good for the introspection it affords, assuming you don't gnaw your arm off from boredom.