"Maybe we just shouldn't be friends."
The statement hung there in the still night air.
You could see the pain and anger spread across her face. How dare I say something like that? How dare I trivialize our friendship and use it as a bargaining chip in this debate? What the hell was wrong with me and why did I keep doing this? Sure the first time it had some shock value, but after the fourth or fifth time, it now only had the effect of angering her. But I wouldn't be dissuaded; I wasn't going to be tied to anyone that didn't act in accordance with my set of norms.
It wasn't until years later that I realized that it had been easier for me to distance myself from people than actually form relationships. It was the trick of my mind; I needed to be able to justify my reasoning for not wanting to be around the person so that I didn't have any internal conflict later. "They just couldn't handle being friends with me." It was easier to distance myself from the people that I cared about the most, as I had no reason to believe in the permanence of a relationship of any kind and spent so much of my time wondering when the person was going to leave. I was preemptive in nature. Everything in a relationship was a negotiation or a debate and nothing mattered more than achieving my desired outcome.
It was also my desperate need to control. The co-dependence had crept in before I even knew it. I needed to fix things. I needed to show people the err of their ways, but not in any manner that could possibly be considered healthy. Instead, I would use the friendship at the drop of the hat and not as a last resort; something reserved for that point where the person had so betrayed me that I could never trust them again. Besides, focusing on others gave me a diversion from focusing on myself.
"Let me take you to dinner."
Why was she taking me dinner? What did she want? I knew this game; no one does anything without expecting something in return. It was more than I could handle that someone just might want to do something nice for me just because we were friends. I wouldn't even be able to say "thank you", too frozen with confusion and embarrassment. I could take all the abuse in the world, I had grown up with it, but someone was actually nice to me and I immediately felt inadequate, undeserving, and really nervous. Receiving was never comforting for me because I always was wondering where the next hit was coming from. I could not relax in the moment. It was a tremendous internal conflict, in retrospect, as I desperately wanted that closeness and nearness of a relationship, but I couldn't actually experience it.
"Yeah ... I remember those days. I really didn't like them very much. I'm glad that you figured all of that stuff out."
"Yes, but it took years of therapy. If you had come to me back then and told me all of this, I would have argued with you and never would have believed you."
Note: This post is not meant to trivialize anyone's battle with any issue they may be facing. It's not even meant to encapsulate my entire journey or explain all of the underlying factors that I found to be contributing to my issues. Everyone is affected and impacted by things differently and one person's journey will not necessarily be another's. The most important aspect of the entire thing is starting it and trying to never be dissuaded from your ultimate goal.
"Be kinder than necessary, for everyone you meet is fighting some kind of battle."
The statement hung there in the still night air.
You could see the pain and anger spread across her face. How dare I say something like that? How dare I trivialize our friendship and use it as a bargaining chip in this debate? What the hell was wrong with me and why did I keep doing this? Sure the first time it had some shock value, but after the fourth or fifth time, it now only had the effect of angering her. But I wouldn't be dissuaded; I wasn't going to be tied to anyone that didn't act in accordance with my set of norms.
It wasn't until years later that I realized that it had been easier for me to distance myself from people than actually form relationships. It was the trick of my mind; I needed to be able to justify my reasoning for not wanting to be around the person so that I didn't have any internal conflict later. "They just couldn't handle being friends with me." It was easier to distance myself from the people that I cared about the most, as I had no reason to believe in the permanence of a relationship of any kind and spent so much of my time wondering when the person was going to leave. I was preemptive in nature. Everything in a relationship was a negotiation or a debate and nothing mattered more than achieving my desired outcome.
It was also my desperate need to control. The co-dependence had crept in before I even knew it. I needed to fix things. I needed to show people the err of their ways, but not in any manner that could possibly be considered healthy. Instead, I would use the friendship at the drop of the hat and not as a last resort; something reserved for that point where the person had so betrayed me that I could never trust them again. Besides, focusing on others gave me a diversion from focusing on myself.
"Let me take you to dinner."
Why was she taking me dinner? What did she want? I knew this game; no one does anything without expecting something in return. It was more than I could handle that someone just might want to do something nice for me just because we were friends. I wouldn't even be able to say "thank you", too frozen with confusion and embarrassment. I could take all the abuse in the world, I had grown up with it, but someone was actually nice to me and I immediately felt inadequate, undeserving, and really nervous. Receiving was never comforting for me because I always was wondering where the next hit was coming from. I could not relax in the moment. It was a tremendous internal conflict, in retrospect, as I desperately wanted that closeness and nearness of a relationship, but I couldn't actually experience it.
"Yeah ... I remember those days. I really didn't like them very much. I'm glad that you figured all of that stuff out."
"Yes, but it took years of therapy. If you had come to me back then and told me all of this, I would have argued with you and never would have believed you."
Note: This post is not meant to trivialize anyone's battle with any issue they may be facing. It's not even meant to encapsulate my entire journey or explain all of the underlying factors that I found to be contributing to my issues. Everyone is affected and impacted by things differently and one person's journey will not necessarily be another's. The most important aspect of the entire thing is starting it and trying to never be dissuaded from your ultimate goal.
"Be kinder than necessary, for everyone you meet is fighting some kind of battle."
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