Lovers and Friends

"For what it's worth, my father used to tell me that it's harder to find a good friend than a girlfriend. I'm pretty sure the man was onto something."

"I never understood my friends that would sacrifice friendships for their significant other. Why would anyone date someone who has a problem with their friends, regardless of the friend's gender or sexual orientation?"

I am often fascinated to hear these statements fall from the mouths of the people in my life that have the most successful relationships. Sometimes I will see people turn their backs on friends with the excuse of, "I'm building my life with this person" or something about how ties with past must be severed - to placate some sort of insecurity their mate has with someone. Sometimes there are mutual insecurities, both people too nervous that they cannot hold onto the other one.

"In my opinion, that's just ridiculous. If you honestly think the person you are with would cheat on you, why the hell are you with them? Not to mention that if you have no reason to think that the two of them are doing anything, then it sounds like it's more your problem than the other person's. If they were to actually placate this need of yours (continuously assuring you that noting is happening or actually severing the friendship) they are only enabling you. In either event, no one should decide whether to end any sort of relationship based upon what other people think or feel. You should base it upon your analysis of whether you are getting what you need out of the relationship."

There must be something to this concept, or something in the water, as my friends seem to be saying similar things on this subject. As I looked at my life in retrospect, I found it very hard to argue. My friends were always there for me, before and after every relationship, during every fight, and at all of the special moments. They were there to keep me on track, guide me when needed, and help turn my days and nights into experiences that I will never forget. They provided me with honesty when the thing I wanted to do most was hide.

I remember I had a girlfriend in college that could not stand that I would go visit other friends of the female persuasion. I'd even invite her along because it was such a big deal to her, but she'd refuse and throw a jealous fit. It was cute in the beginning, but so was Britney. Over time, it became impossible for me to tolerate. I couldn't stand the fact that every time I wanted to hang out with my friends, I had to deal with the same crap.

My belief is that much of this was owing to the fact that we were both young, and perhaps many great follies can be blamed on our youth. I know I made more than my fair share, including my willingness to constantly provide her with reassurances. My hope is that over time she was able to let go of much of that jealousy. However, I question whether that is the case, as I still know so many people my age (and older) caught in the same vicious circle. (In fact, I truly wonder about the potential comments I will get to this post, which is why I hesitated in posting it, but fuck it.) I remember having one friend with a very jealous spouse explain to me, "He thinks I'm sleeping with you. If he only knew the only reason I've stayed together with him this long is because of your ability to talk me down off the ledge."

"In my practice, I see this frequently. We always encourage people to maintain friendships outside of the relationship, as it is so often an important element to a successful relationship. However, people do what they feel they need to at the time."