In That Kiss

I have heard countless women say that they can tell if a man is good in bed by the way he kisses or the way he moves his hips on the dance floor. Although, I now have at least one friend that can personally attest to the fact that a man's prowess with his lips bears no relation to his abilities in bed, and that apparently, hips do lie. Most recently, a girlfriend told me that it all depended on how a man hugs. I am not even sure I follow the logic there, but it is likely just as good of a system as any of the former ones discussed. A good way, perhaps, of separating the wheat from the chaff when you are out on the prowl - looking for love in all the wrong places.

I have never much bought into any of these theories about how you can tell if someone is a good lover based upon the way a person kisses, dances, or hugs. It all seems too unrelated to me. However, I do have a method for selecting who I kiss, or at least a way of immediately disqualifying promising candidates. I wait to see if they end up with a cigarette dangling from their hands; the telltale puff of smoke haloing their head as they coolly extract the cylinder from between their lips, exhaling with that cool, calculated, devil may care expression. It kills it for me.

However, this was not always a standard of mine. I was young and naive, out with the girl I was dating at the time. As she continued to consume copious amounts of alcohol, she lit up a cigarette, an act I had never seen her perform in the past. I will never forget the lingering taste as our lips met. It was like what I imagine kissing an ashtray would be like. The bitter acidic flavor permeated my entire body and it became a mission to escape from her embrace as quickly as possible. Please, dear God, let me go. From that night on, I was a devout follower of a new doctrine: no matter how hot she is, if there's something round and long between her lips, it better not be a cigarette.

To this day, I continue to marvel, not just at the fact that people continue to smoke, but that these people actually find other people willing to kiss them, let alone procreate with them. I cannot imagine having to suffer through that experience every day for any period of time, and I have dated women with some of the most devastating and debilitating halitosis of all time.

I'm Back

Yes, yes, I know, hold your applause and spontaneous eruptions of joy and jubilation at my return. We all know how much you missed my absence, waking up each morning and immediately firing up the computer to see if I had posted something with all my vacation time, only to find the same silly post sitting there, announcing my absence, forcing you to find some other reason to carry on with your life. It was a hard life for you, I'm sure.

However, I needed to get out there. I needed to explore. I needed to go the the Salvador Dali Museum in St. Petersburg. I needed to sip cocktails with my friends and cavort on the open waters looking for alligators for my girlfriend. Because, gosh, what could be cooler than to find some sort of reptilian creature that could kill you while on vacation? What, I ask you. I needed to wander around the silly towns that I live near and explore the various architectural styles that were present in each, become quickly bored with doing so and leave it up to my girlfriend to snap pictures and revel in the experience. I needed to sit on a beach and allow my skin to come to terms with this crazy thing they call sunlight.

Why did I need to do all of this, you might ask. Because I was on vacation, silly. What else are you going to do on vacation other than relax? Besides, if I hadn't been relaxing as hard as I had, I wouldn't have suddenly been so struck with the concept of pornography as to feel the need to write a post about it. No, I wasn't watching it. I was recalling one of the first times I ever watched a video and just being completely blown away by the idea that really attractive women would totally take their clothes off and have sex with some random guy for money. That still blows me away, no pun intended. Isn't that prostitution, by the way? I don't know. What do I look like, an attorney? Oh. Really? Well, never mind then.

I don't get it, though. Some women have said that it's empowering to take off your clothes and such. However, aren't men supposed to be the ones with all this "power" and you don't see us taking off our clothes to feel empowered. I guess some men must do it for that reason, but I doubt many of them would have the branding power of a Jenna Jameson or a Brianna Banks. I guess it just baffles me why women would do it. I would think attractive women willing to have sex for money could more easily find some really rich guy to have sex with and marry, rather than have sex with random guys they are cast with for millions of strangers to watch. I don't see how that becomes empowering. I don't see how I would view a woman that did that as empowered. I appreciate it. I think it's awful nice that someone would go ahead and do that, to satisfy all the men and/or women out there that want to see it, but the motivation for doing it completely eludes me.

My girlfriend and I watched some show one night, maybe it was on HBO, or maybe it originated on HBO and was edited for network television later, but it involved porn stars and following their lives. I remember one woman who was becoming rather famous for her career but who could not find a man to love her or want to be with her for anything other than sex. It frustrated her so much. I imagine it would be like dating a massage therapist and always wanting them to give you a massage - as if that is the only reason you are with them. However, this is above and beyond that. I guess most guys only want one thing when they are hitting on a girl, but when they are hitting on a porn star.... I understand where she is coming from, but in a way, I feel like it's like walking around in pants and a bra and then complaining that guys keet checking out your breasts.

All I can think is that the psychology behind it must be rather complex.

A Chance to Do Good

Alright, folks. Here's the post wherein I give you the opportunity to help women in shelters across our country and to do so at no cost to yourself - it's free dammit, so do it.

Women's shelters in the U.S. go through thousands of tampons and pads monthly, and while agencies generally assist with everyday necessities such as toilet paper, diapers, and clothing, this most basic need is often overlooked - feminine hygiene products.

Seventh Generation, a green paper products and cleaning products company, has a do-good attitude and will donate a box of sanitary products to a women's shelter in your chosen state - just for clicking the link. Talk about easy! Just click here.

Thanks for helping out. Please pass this on to others.

[Thanks, Question Girl]

It's Not What You Think

Women don't seem to get it.

"I don't know how to make him listen."

"Stop sleeping with him."

"What!?"

"Stop sleeping with him and I guarantee you will have his complete and undivided attention."

"I couldn't do that."

"But with the way he's acting there is no possible way you want to be sleeping with him right now."

"But ..."

Women often forget that they have control. They forget that they have the one thing that every man wants and will do practically anything to get. They're like the Middle East and men are the United States, paying whatever it takes to fill 'er up. (If you can't appreciate a good pun, you need another cup of coffee.) And they completely neglect to remember that there should be boundaries; that everyone in a relationship needs to have boundaries and they need to not only set them, but enforce them. Boundaries are not being selfish; boundaries are the creation and enforcement of standards as to how you are willing, and want, to be treated.

"You need to create a list of things that you want in your partner and then a list of things that are unacceptable - deal breakers, if you will. The second list is perhaps even more important than the first because if you don't adhere to it, the list becomes merely a wish list and is no longer a set of standards that you feel you are worth or that you deserve. Once you start losing yourself for a man, you're on a long road of disappointment and unfulfilment."

There are women that I know that could never adhere to this advice because they would view it as "using sex as a weapon". I've read books that have case studies about women like this. They are usually terrible at being able to create and enforce boundaries and are usually willing to bend and shape for those certain lovers in their lives. They are described as people who have difficulty both creating and enforcing boundaries and because they don't have stable boundaries of their own, they have great difficulty respecting those of others - even those they care about deeply. Apparently, the books say, this is not a good thing.

What's a girl to do?

The important thing really is that you do exactly what you want to be doing, and not what you think someone else wants you to do. Sounds like an extremely easy piece of advice, right? Just do exactly what you feel like doing. It gets more complicated when what you want to do is please others or take care of or rescue others. Suddenly, the things that you really want to be doing involve satisfying the unmet needs of others more than your own. And when you put your needs first, you suddenly feel selfish or cruel. It feels completely unnatural, and angst takes hold. You begin feeling terrible about it. It eats you up, and you suddenly feel like you're just being selfish and you're doing the wrong thing. You want to apologize, to reconcile, to do whatever it takes to make that feeling go away, even if it means sacrificing another aspect of yourself - because that is, after all, the hallmark of your identity.

I know, I know, this post seemed to start with such promise - what with all the talk about sex, and now here we are talking about boundaries. What the fuck?

The point of it all really is that it's not wielding a weapon, it's not being selfish, and it's not being cruel; it is setting boundaries and adhering to them, displaying respect for yourself. It is through exhibiting respect and care for yourself that you are able to display your capacity to respect and care for others. (You cannot truly love another until you love yourself.)

Orbital Patterns

"Let me get this straight. He told you that he has still been seeing his ex-girlfriend and they have a trip planned to Jamaica together for New Years, and you want to know what you should do?"

"He swears they aren't sleeping together."

"Have you asked any of your other friends about this?"

"Well one of them said that maybe I should give him a chance, and noted that he had been honest enough to tell me about all of it."

"He really only came clean after you finally got him to talk about your relationship, a concept that you were completely resistant to, as you didn't want to seem 'needy'. Out of curiosity, is this woman telling you to 'give him a chance' the same friend that is now married to the man that pushed her out of the moving vehicle while they were dating?"

"Yeah."

Women amaze me with their uncanny ability to stay with men that are completely terrible to them for extended periods of time. I have often found that the worse I am to a girl and the less I care, the more likely they are to stay around. Alternately, if I am actually nice to them and show how much I care for them, they usually tend to walk all over me and breakup with me. I'm told women often grow out of this condition at around fifty. Figuring that I couldn't really afford to wait that long, I decided to find a mix that I was comfortable with - nice to a point.

It strikes me as odd that women blame men for being terrible or for being pigs or for this or that. As though they were suddenly betrayed by men who never gave the slightest indication that they might not be everything the women dreamed of. However, I have always found the signs as being fairly evident from the beginning. Clearly, the man that thrusts you out of a moving vehicle may have some anger management problems that might creep into your relationship in the future. The man that clings to you and follows you about the room like a lost puppy, may have some insecurity issues of his own that are bound to compound and manifest themselves in such colorful ways in the future. All of these signs will be quite clear and evident and yet the women will often stay. They all have their reasons, I'm sure. Often, there seems to be some amazing power of hope coursing through their bodies. What, exactly, they are hoping for remains a complete mystery. Perhaps they hope that he will change, or that it was an isolated incident, or that something equally magical is at play. Perhaps they are fearful of change or of being alone or of admitting that someone got the better of them.

One of my best friends has taken to using a different approach with women. He uses honesty like sword. "I am not looking for a relationship. I really like spending time with you, and I love having sex with you but there is absolutely no way I can be with just you. I'm simply not ready for anything like that right now." He's been giving this speech for the last four years to countless women and yet they stay. Eventually, each woman he dates often gets angry and frustrated with him, as he simply continues to date and sleep with other women. "I almost had sex with seven different women last week, but I got too tired and went to bed for two days. Apparently, five is now my limit." And yet, even though the women get mad, even though they might get frustrated and angry and walk away, they always seem to come back for more, like he is the sun and they all sort of orbit about him.

To the women that blame the men for being this way, I'll tell you exactly what my best friend has confided to me numerous times, and which I have also found to be true. "I would love to be honest with a woman and just totally be there for them and do all of those nice things that women profess they want. Like one of those sweet, sappy romantic movies. I think it would be nice, and certainly a hell of a lot easier than the crap I have to deal with now. However, if I do that, the women leave and go after some other guy that will treat them exactly the way I'm treating them now. We don't make the rules; as guys, we'll do just about anything for sex. This seems to be the way I have to act to get it."

Too Good to Be True

Given that the ineffable Jill was sick and all of my other reads were otherwise occupied this past holiday weekend, and given that I was still recovering from my own sickness, I was forced to play on the Internet unattended, which is always one of the most dangerous prospects imaginable. In an attempt to distract myself, I did manage to bake pumpkin bread with chocolate chips and walnuts and a banana nut bread, but alas, nothing can keep me from the Internet for too long and I soon had found two old friends and stumbled upon her (the most beautiful woman I have ever had the pleasure of virtually staring at).

It's always a bad sign where your mouth gets confused and the words don't quite know how to escape the tongue that feels like it has somehow swelled to three times its normal size. I tried to swallow the cotton balls that had formed in my mouth and say something unassuming and witty but was stuck, as I still didn't know enough about her. I knew that she was a Latin divorcee named Jessica, that she liked snow boarding and jumping out of planes, and had traveled quite a bit. I also knew that she had a good sized family, enjoyed South Beach, and was attending school. I also knew that she had the most perfect smile, hair that was unimaginably attractive, and curves in all the right places.

I was infatuated with a woman I would likely never meet, and I had to find just the right words to say to change all of that. The only other option was to willingly accept the fact that she would be my muse, kept in her state of absolute perfection by means of her distance from me. I know all too well how even the most perfect of women lose something upon a closer inspection. The woman that you see from across the room can lose her luster in a matter of seconds after opening her mouth and betraying her not so attractive personality. Sometimes the best looking ones are the ones best left alone if only so that your fantasy isn't ruined with the reality that is sure to hit you right in the crotch.

And yet, there I was sitting there with the lyrics to Billy Joel's Modern Woman running through my head and thinking Christmas really wouldn't be too bad if I woke up with her underneath my tree. And consistently asking myself, "What would Bond do?" Unfortunately, all my answers required a martini, shaken not stirred, and her following me back to my room later, despite all odds of her doing something more realistic, and that seemed like an awful lot to expect from a martini. In the end, I decided there was simply nothing I could come up with other than a simply compliment that would likely lose its effect through email and to which she would likely never respond. Although, she has had the effect of inspiring one post already. Perhaps muse alone is enough, although, after Sarah and Sass, it makes me wonder if Houston is simply crawling with beautiful women, and whether I should relocate.