Peering In

Stephanie will often come up with a gem, or something that reaffirms to me that perhaps, just maybe, there are other people out there that actually think about things.

"On some level I suppose that's why make-up sex can get so hot, especially when it starts before you've actually made up. Or more importantly, why so many of us stick around in the wrong relationships. We're hoping our partner might soften to us, might hopefully change. We know better, certainly, but we ignore our heads and follow our hearts... into heartbreak."

I have several female friends caught in this pattern. They've been doing it for years, through multiple relationships, and I suppose that by now it's become old hat and familiar. I'm not even sure if they would know what to do in any other type of relationship anymore. One of my friends recently explained to me how her entire relationship was ridiculous and said that she needed to move on and begin anew. The next day she came to me rather excitedly, "He's coming to visit me!"

"This is the guy you thought you should move on from, right?"

"Well yeah, but I would be lonely this weekend anyway."

"And am I to believe that being alone is a fate worse than being with the wrong person?"

It's a question that would be pointless to ask because as smart and rational as she is, she's still a fool for love. She wants it; wants it so bad she can taste it and for whatever reason, wants it from this man in particular. I can hear the familiar refrain in my head as I type, "If you only saw him the way I do." Yes, if only I could see him in the irrational light you have him glowing in, I'm sure it would be amazing.

However, it would be unfair to my friend to say that she is alone in her pursuit. Some of the most accomplished and intelligent women I have known through my life fall into this cycle. "A person's level of intelligence bears no real relation to their behavior. Abusive people can be nuclear physicists." Something so obvious and so true and yet I have to pay her for this insight.

Working It

It is sometimes difficult for me to blog. Not because I lack things to say but more because I lack the things to say that are appropriate for this forum. I have filled pages (of the virtual variety) of my journal over the past week with thoughts and musings that simply could not survive out in the wild that is the blogosphere. As such, I will talk about some musing that I had as a result of a comment left on my blog.

I always thought therapy would be like a magic pill. You simply would go to the doctor's office and allow them to untangle the mess that had been created in your mind. Not that it would be absolutely painless, of course, but more like having your tonsils out - a one time procedure with some lingering pain that is easily comforted by ice cream. You might have to do something for it like not eat for 24 hours before the procedure, or ice the soreness afterward, but it would be quickly over with.

Over time, I have realized that therapy is far more like an elective procedure and that most of the work is actually performed by you, with the therapist sitting and waiting on the sidelines. On some level, I'm sure they hope that you sort it out, but on another, they probably have gotten to the point where they just don't care. Of course, they would like to see everyone make a full recovery and of course, they would like to feel that they are successful. However, success and failure in medicine is often determined by the patients you get. This is true in most medical fields I would think. For example, if you are a surgeon and only work with "hopeless" cases, you're far more likely to have a low success rate.

However, unlike surgery, the therapy patient has far more control over how far they are going to get and when they are going to get there. When you are operating to remove the bullet seated near the heart, you don't often have the patient there refusing to allow its extraction. The surgery happens as a matter of course. When you have someone dealing with a mental issue that is affecting and disrupting their life, there is very little you can do to aid the person unless they let you. Even if they allow you to assist, they still have to be willing to follow your prescription.

At times, I have grown extremely frustrated with my therapy, as I feel like nothing is getting accomplished. That I simply go in and tell them about my week but never work on any of the substantive issues underlying all of the interactions. When I finally express this frustration to my psychologists, they have always pointed out that this is what I like to do. "You enjoy coming in and talking and sharing a few laughs. I have nothing against it either, as I will get paid either way. If you happen to feel the happenings of your life are the most important things you have to share with me, then by all means, do so. However, the day you wish to actually focus on an issue affecting your life is the day you will actually grow and get your money's worth. Even an alcoholic has to admit that they have a problem before any steps can be taken to cure or manage it. I am not here to make you work; I am here to help you work."

Observations in Dating

"How have you been?"

It's always an interesting question and, to an extent, many of the people that ask it get a different level of honesty when I respond. The full honesty generally belongs in the emails to my closest friends or in my journal. However, I occasionally get to verbalize it to someone that I know will provide some of the best feedback and that's always one of my scariest and most enjoyable times.

The concern with expressing your feelings and thoughts to someone who's opinion you truly value, of course, is that they may disagree with you, or they may think you've lost your mind and that you might as well be describing the purple elephants you saw the other day in your back yard, as the person knows you don't even have a back yard. However, there's also the potential that the person will agree with you, smile, and nod, saying, "I think you're on the right track."

I experienced this recently at my psychologist's office. When you pay for the feedback and they're a licensed professional, it somehow makes it all that more valuable - even if your closest friends have already said the same thing. Months ago, as we began to chart my prior relationships, she had me make a list of every woman I had ever dated, and provide the reasons I had been attracted to each one of them and the reasons I had been repelled from them. This had seemed like an absolute waste of time when she gave me the assignment. What the heck was a list going to show me? (I have since learned that lists of all sorts are great because once you've written it, it's hard to ignore it. List the pros and cons of a decision. List what you need and your priorities. Listing and writing can be great ways to get to the heart of things. I guess that's one of the reasons lots of companies have mission statements.)

So there I sat, compiling my list, thinking to myself, "This is an absolute waste of time and it's getting me no where. Why doesn't this woman just give me the darn answer and leave me alone?" The reason, of course, is that she didn't have the answer, I did, and three quarters of the way through the list, I saw it. Every woman I had been with had been different. Different hair color, different personality, different careers, different level of charisma, different different different. However, the dynamic in every single relationship had been exactly the same. The reasons for my entering and, more importantly, the reasons for the relationship not lasting had all been very similar, if not exactly the same. "Wow." I felt so accomplished and scared and confused. "What the hell was I doing?"

Now, perhaps a year later, we discuss it some more and I provide her with my reflections on how I now view my life and how I think about relationships when I enter them. (I use examples of real life relationships and people that I know to provide examples of what I mean when I talk to her, but will not do so here so some things may be lost in the translation.) I'm starting to see exactly what I would want in a relationship, and I'm starting to see it as a best friendship, but maybe with some added flavor. I now see relationships as two people with lives coming together. Each person has their own activities, friends, family and other things, and it's not a matter of the people then abandoning this identity to be in the relationship - forsaking a hobby, friends, family, or their career for the other person. It's about being with someone that can be your best friend and support, and sometimes share, in these things that are important to us.

In many relationships, I frequently see the two people hanging out and doing things that they perhaps really do not want to do. One or both of the parties is so frequently trying to please the other, and sacrificing their own needs and identity in the process. I dated a girl that did that and she was miserable after a year because she felt no matter what she did, she could never make me happy. She never understood that I wanted her to just do whatever she wanted to do - "Don't go changing to try and please me". If you are happy, I will be happy for you. The friends that I have who are in truly happy and amazing relationships always have the same answer to this observation. They describe their time together as effortless like when you are with your best friend. You are able to hang out anywhere together and have a good time. (This is not to say that there is no effort put into the relationship. Just as there is effort put into the closest friendships you have, you often do not see it as effort or a sacrifice.)

Often to accomplish this the two people, again, must have commonalities, just like in a friendship. Overall, the two people keep their separate lives but have certain commonalities and such that integrate with one another, making time together occur naturally (not forced). For example, I love bookstores and spend hours in bookstores or listening to music or doing simple boring stuff (like people watching) that many other people wouldn't care about. I have best friends that share in my complete boringness and I love our time together. I like going out with my friends sometimes too, but over the years, I've become more low key when I go out and I love relaxing nights. I like my down time, and I like being with someone that shares in that.

My therapist, way back when, had wanted to know why I didn't correlate friendships with relationships - why I separated them in my mind as mutually exclusive categories. My closest friends in relationships that I just find extraordinary - the ones that seemingly exist with practically no effort and no fighting - had always told me that it was about friendship more than anything. It was about being with that person where all of it occurred naturally. Where you were able to maintain your identity and still add to it. I guess I am now really starting to grasp this concept. You really need to be with your best friend in a relationship, and I imagine that as hard as it is to find a best friend, so too is it hard to find that special someone. However, from all I have observed, once found, it is totally worth it.

Taking Time

In my life, I have known so many people that have trouble prioritizing their lives and lack any sort of realistic approach to the number of hours in a day. Day to day they are constantly on the move, trying to accomplish everything that everyone expects of them. They want to do it all - to be all things to all people. Their friends, family, lovers, and all the rest. It's admirable, but somehow in all of that sea of swiftness, they forsake the time that they used to take for themselves.

One person I know did this for years, and then one day she got very sick and almost died. Everyone that I have ever met that has almost died has a completely different perspective on life than everyone that hasn't. She now took time for the most simple things - enjoying a sunrise, relaxing, and taking time for herself. "God wanted me to slow down."

When I was the one running around and trying to accomplish everything under the sun in a day, I would sometimes make myself sick. She would always look at me and repeat her familiar refrain, "Well what did you expect? God wants you to take a break. You aren't really going to win the argument."

"But I like doing all of these things. They are important to me."

"When did you stop being important to you? You need a break. You need your downtime and your time for personal reflection. Do you think it's any wonder Europeans are, as a whole, healthier than us? Vienna waits for you." You can pretty much convince me of anything if you have a Billy Joel song to support your point.

"But it's not like I don't want to do these things."

"No one is doubting your sincerity or your passion for your commitments or your friends. However, your priorities need a little work. You have to remember that your needs should come in on that list higher than they seem to be falling. Being there for others is very important, but being there for yourself is often more important. It's alright, you can afford to lose a day or two."

In my life, I have learned that time is the most valuable commodity we all have, and choosing how we spend that time is perhaps one of the most difficult balancing acts ever - with friends, interests, lovers, family, work, and a million of other things drawing on us. We often instinctively want to do it all - to be all things to all people, but as Aunt Mae said in Spider-Man, "You aren't Superman, you know." Any time you pick up another activity, another interest, another friend, job, lover, whatever, you are drawing from the most finite resource you have, and this should never be done to the detriment of yourself. You have to make sure there is enough you time at the end of the day. Figuring out the things that are most important in your life and making sure your needs are being met are very key to the entire process of living.

A Good Way to Clear the Mind

I had to attend an all day seminar. I enjoy seminars as they help imbue my mind with new and current knowledge regarding the areas of the law I have to deal with every day. However, they can also be quite painful when they are an eight hour barrage of knowledge flowing into your head.

Fortunately, in-between the portions of the seminar that were extremely relevant for me, there were others regarding completely irrelevant topics to me. It was during these times that I would walk out and stare at this gorgeous view.

There are many reasons I have to dislike Florida. However, never being farther than a ten minute drive from my home to a view like this is definitely not one them.

Evaluating Relationships

At one point in my life, a friend conveyed to me something I felt was truly insightful, "Love is an action, not an emotion."*

She went on to explain that she felt people can say that they love you, care about you, appreciate you, or words to that effect, and that those words were great, but if the speaker's actions do not comport with such statements then they really don't mean it. Actions speak much louder than words.

She used the following illustration. Her mother used to say things that hurt and upset her father. Her mom wasn't aware that she was doing it, she merely thought she was talking. When she found out how much it hurt him, she stopped because she loved him and we don't want to hurt those we love and care for. This scenario was similar to times she and I had unwittingly hurt one another. We aren't perfect and we all make mistakes and sometimes people's feelings will get hurt. However, upon recognition of those hurt feelings, amends were quickly made.

I began to think about this and how it applied to so many things in my life, past and present. She was effectively saying something that I had always advocated and believed but in a completely different way than I had ever heard. She always had the ability to shine a new light on an old concept and view things in a way many others had not thought of.

After some further thought, it reminded me of some of the most straightforward advice on relationships I have ever heard. "This advice should go with all your relationships. You should define what you want out of that relationship, not the other way around. If you are not in control of the situation, then you need to be. You should not be forced to hang out with anyone if it is not on mutual terms. Be strong and assertive." This perspective is not easy to impart to others when they most need it, as they often cannot see the forest for the trees. When you get into a situation, it is often hard to gain that detached perspective that is one of the most valuable things in making a healthy decision.

I had a friend in law school who was with someone that truly didn't respect her, and as much as her friends tried to tell her and as many words of wisdom as her therapist provided to her regarding the dangers, she walked further down the path. She was too busy making excuses for him rather than listening to the words of caution and concern coming to her. The most dangerous sign in a relationship, I have found, is when you begin making excuses for the other person's behavior. (This is different from understanding the other person's point of view, but the difference is sometimes difficult to discern in the beginning.)

* I am told that this sentiment can also be found upon a review of the verses in 1 Corinthians 13 (describing what "love is..."). When God defines love, he describes the way a loving person should behave, not the way it should feel.

No, That's Not Just a Line

"You seem so fulfilled and happy."

"I am." It felt weird hearing those words come from my mouth, almost as weird as when she crystallized my feelings into a single statement. I had spent so long looking for the right woman, the right relationship, the right connection. I had spent so much of my time trying to make things work, hoping for people to change, hoping for the light at the end of the tunnel. Battling and fighting, and then, it was done. In the blink of an eye, the cup was removed from me and everything changed.

I now have some really cool and amazing friends that I can talk to and hang out with. I don't have to worry about anything. I get to devote myself to my friends, my career, my volunteering, my hobbies, and anything else I so choose. I don't feel like my life is overrun by anyone because the people I spend my time with are exactly the people I want to spend my time with. I finally seem to be erecting a life for myself where I am that is comfortable for me.

Beyond the concept of being "fulfilled", I still cannot for the life of me explain how I feel and how I have felt for the past week, or how it continues to just get better and better. I cannot explain why it happened when it happened. I cannot explain my overwhelming feeling that all of this is happening with some grand design in mind. I simply remember being at the very end of my rope and asking for help and watching it come more quickly and powerfully than I had ever imagined possible.

"I feel as though I spent too much time working on too many things that I thought I was supposed to have or supposed to want and never took the time to enjoy and savor the things I do have. I never took the time to relish in just being happy. I kept forgetting that I could be happy alone. I would stay single for a little while and quickly forget that I could be happy with just me and no one else and that that was ok."

"Something tells me you won't be alone for very much longer."

"Why not?"

"Because you sound happy and fulfilled and that's usually just about the time some woman comes in to ruin everything."

"Well best of luck to them because I am in absolutely no rush to get involved with anyone."

Lovers and Friends

"For what it's worth, my father used to tell me that it's harder to find a good friend than a girlfriend. I'm pretty sure the man was onto something."

"I never understood my friends that would sacrifice friendships for their significant other. Why would anyone date someone who has a problem with their friends, regardless of the friend's gender or sexual orientation?"

I am often fascinated to hear these statements fall from the mouths of the people in my life that have the most successful relationships. Sometimes I will see people turn their backs on friends with the excuse of, "I'm building my life with this person" or something about how ties with past must be severed - to placate some sort of insecurity their mate has with someone. Sometimes there are mutual insecurities, both people too nervous that they cannot hold onto the other one.

"In my opinion, that's just ridiculous. If you honestly think the person you are with would cheat on you, why the hell are you with them? Not to mention that if you have no reason to think that the two of them are doing anything, then it sounds like it's more your problem than the other person's. If they were to actually placate this need of yours (continuously assuring you that noting is happening or actually severing the friendship) they are only enabling you. In either event, no one should decide whether to end any sort of relationship based upon what other people think or feel. You should base it upon your analysis of whether you are getting what you need out of the relationship."

There must be something to this concept, or something in the water, as my friends seem to be saying similar things on this subject. As I looked at my life in retrospect, I found it very hard to argue. My friends were always there for me, before and after every relationship, during every fight, and at all of the special moments. They were there to keep me on track, guide me when needed, and help turn my days and nights into experiences that I will never forget. They provided me with honesty when the thing I wanted to do most was hide.

I remember I had a girlfriend in college that could not stand that I would go visit other friends of the female persuasion. I'd even invite her along because it was such a big deal to her, but she'd refuse and throw a jealous fit. It was cute in the beginning, but so was Britney. Over time, it became impossible for me to tolerate. I couldn't stand the fact that every time I wanted to hang out with my friends, I had to deal with the same crap.

My belief is that much of this was owing to the fact that we were both young, and perhaps many great follies can be blamed on our youth. I know I made more than my fair share, including my willingness to constantly provide her with reassurances. My hope is that over time she was able to let go of much of that jealousy. However, I question whether that is the case, as I still know so many people my age (and older) caught in the same vicious circle. (In fact, I truly wonder about the potential comments I will get to this post, which is why I hesitated in posting it, but fuck it.) I remember having one friend with a very jealous spouse explain to me, "He thinks I'm sleeping with you. If he only knew the only reason I've stayed together with him this long is because of your ability to talk me down off the ledge."

"In my practice, I see this frequently. We always encourage people to maintain friendships outside of the relationship, as it is so often an important element to a successful relationship. However, people do what they feel they need to at the time."

Shades of Gray

Over the years, things have become less and less black and white for me. There was a time, not too long ago, where I could much more easily lash out at people for just being morons. However, the more I have learned and experienced, the more difficult it becomes for me. This is not to say that I don't still do it. I do. In fact, I do it frequently. And I love to watch others do it, especially when they are able to do it with Comedy - people like Sam Kinison, Lewis Black, Jon Stewart, Steven Colbert, and Carlos Mencia (among many others) amuse me immensely.

Oftentimes, however, I am reduced to thinking of so many things as a matter of perspective. The people with varying religious viewpoints, the people that hate attorneys, the people that battle addictions, and the people that stay in failed relationships, I view with less of a judgmental eye. To an extent, this has always been the case, as I have always tried to look at things from the other person's perspective and understand their point of view; not necessarily agree with them, but at least understand their perspective.

It used to be more difficult for me to accept things as they were. I wanted to fix, improve, and help to change and mold. At times, the entire desire could be just a tiny bit overwhelming. I wanted to shake the girl and tell her to snap out of it, and that he was terrible for her. However, I learned that she is happy enough with him to stay, and that if she truly wasn't, she would leave. I wanted to tell certain religious people that they needed to recognize that they are trying to impose their views upon others, and that mandating beliefs through legislation is not very nice. Now I see that their hearts are often in the right place. I have found that religious differences can be debilitating and can open people up to being judgmental, harsh, and mean. However, the people doing these acts do not consider themselves mean. It's all a matter of perspective.

This doesn't mean that somewhere deep inside of me there isn't often a deep bellowing. A powerful and exacting desire to lash out at certain groups, leaders, and people. To tell them that they have lost their damned minds and need to get over themselves. Many times this message is delivered. However, it's delivery now often emerges with the realistic acceptance that the recipient will likely not hear or understand what I have to say, and that my words have only the slightest chance of having any life altering impact upon them, and that this is ok.

The overarching theme that I have learned is that all you can really ever change is yourself, and all you can ever decide is what is right for you, not for others. The best one can really ever hope for is to plant a seed and hope it grows. Wait and hope, the best advice ever offered by one of my favorite literary characters.

Define Yourself

"You can't just stay home and read. You need to go out," she explained. "It's fine if I don't go out because I'm young but you're old and need to find someone quick." She was searching for the chink in my armor - a place to stab her small dagger and place it gingerly, not wanting to hurt me, merely cause me mild discomfort.

It all related back to a portion of the conversation we had earlier regarding my mental exploration with my trained professional. "You seem to be defining yourself based upon your successes and failures in relationships, and you shouldn't. The people that you have been in relationships with, from what I know of you and from what you've told me, were often either not ready for a relationship to begin with or not good fits for you anyway. You shouldn't gauge the quality of person you are based upon whether or not you have a relationship."

When I tell people I am single, I am greeted by exactly two different reactions - men are envious and women are convinced that I need to immediately settle down. They stare at me with an askance judgmental gaze, attempting to see if they can discern what is wrong with me with their powerful skills of observation, settling on the belief that I just must not really want to settle down if I'm still single, or that I must be a hideously terrible person to be with, and that in either event it is a condition that should be cured as quickly as possible.

Rationally, I know what my therapist is saying is true. One does not have to look very far to see how hard it is for many people to find love. All one need do is take a look at all of the books and articles being published monthly regarding it, or examine the growing number of dating sites being created, with their monster subscription base. People are desperate in their search to find that person - the one they were promised in their childhoods and will do everything in their power to find them.

However, the search would appear to only be half the battle. If one is impressed with the number of materials made available at a slight fee for meeting the right mate, one should be positively awe struck with the number available for those experiencing relationship woes. I saw one of my friends from law school at the court house last week. She informed me that she was now handling divorce matters. The conversation continued and I asked if she was engaged yet. She laughed and said, "Hell no. I don't want to get a divorce."

Despite my knowing that my therapist is correct and that my measure of self-worth cannot be dependent upon my level of success in relationships and love, at times it very easy for me to forget such things, as I am so often surrounded by people that do exactly that. "It is ok if you want to be single for the rest of your life. It doesn't matter. All that matters is that you are happy with your decision."

Don't Ask; Don't Tell

"Well, she's been sleeping with someone else."

"What!?"

"Yeah. Well actually, the guy she was having an affair with, recently ended it."

"He ended it?!"

"Yeah, but you can't tell her husband about it."

"But he's my best friend."

"Yeah, but she's mine."

"Wow, this is complicated."

Over time, I have known a lot of people that cheated on their significant others. Generally, I have no conflict of interest, as I am friends with only one of them - the one doing the cheating. However, there is the potential for a conflict if ever I am friends with both of the people in the relationship, and I learn that one of them is cheating, or I find out that the other person is cheating on my friend. The scenario is frequent in the movies - where the guy the woman is dating, the one no one can stand, turns out to be cheating on her too.

The question then becomes, "What do you do?"

If you tell your friend, you quite likely will alienate your friend, as they are not likely to believe you, without photograph evidence, or the smoking ... contraceptive, if you will. If you don't tell your friend, you're living a lie and keeping something from your friend, but who may not be your friend if you were to tell. If your friends with both people, it gets even stickier. If you were their attorney, you would simply refer them elsewhere, as you would be conflicted out, but as their friend, you don't necessarily have that luxury.

"Why would she even tell you that? Doesn't she see that it puts you in an incredibly awkward position?"

"I find that many women are not as considerate or as nice as the movies attempt to depict them. Often we are taught to expect and believe that women are simply naturally more considerate and caring. However, I often experience that they simply think this about themselves and frequently miss the mark."

"Yeah, you do have some good stories."

"They're only good when they aren't your life."

Getting Drilled

It's been a while since I blogged. However, nowhere near as long as the last time I saw a dentist.

For many years, I wasn't covered by any insurance, and I could barely afford the mere cost of education, let alone any luxuries like a car or medical insurance. (I actually couldn't even afford a car with air conditioning until after I had gotten my first job after law school, making for some truly interesting interviews.) As such, many of my basic needs went unmet for years. In fact, yesterday was my first time back in a dentist's office in over twelve years. (Mind you, my job does not cover my dental insurance. In fact, I have never worked for a firm that did.)

Overall, he said that my mouth was really impressive for someone that hadn't seen a dentist in so long. However, I still have six cavities! I had only ever had one growing up, and now I suddenly had six! Plus, my memory of my first cavity is not a very pleasant one - as the doctor must have numbed the wrong nerve and I felt every single ounce of pain associated with the entire process. Most unpleasant.

However, my lack of writing has nothing to do with the dentist, and more to do with the fact that I feel like my inner-blogger has been zapped with novacaine. Every time I sit down to write something or even attempt to think of a topic, my mind sits blank. I can't even write in my journal. It's a little ridiculous, and I have no idea what is causing it. All that I know is that it better stop soon because it's driving me absolutely insane.