Disconnect

People sometimes say things that are foreign to me. Most often, I feel it around the holiday times when people speak of how important family is and the special bond that connects them. "Blood is thicker than water," they say. I often find myself very resistant to these concepts, but it was not until recently I determined why. This concept just does not make sense to me and is completely opposite to what I have learned.

I am not what anyone would consider close to my family. The thought that people would actually look forward to seeing and being with their family for longer than an hour or two is shocking and ridiculous to me. Why would they possibly want to do this.? However, I know people who actually enjoy their family. They cannot wait to see their siblings and parents and spend time with them. It is not just something they say to sound cool and popular. Although, I also know many people that say these things just to say them. Meanwhile, in their hearts the actual act of spending time with their family makes them wish for death ... or at least morphine. They have been taught, and somewhere in their minds believe, that they enjoy it - deriving some perverse pleasure from the misery. Much like Stockholm's syndrome.

I wonder how many other things might be like this. I often find that I will tell people things that they have never heard or thought about and they are initially uncomfortable with the concept and dismiss it immediately. I know others that languish in relationships, of one form or another, that clearly have no hope of satisfying their needs or making them happy. People like to believe things that are comfortable familiar and I believe for me, it was comfortable to believe that no one really enjoys their families. However, I think the real answer is I just do not particularly enjoy most of mine and it is foreign to me to think that anyone else could.

It's Not You; It's I

It took me a long time to learn of the concept of speaking in "I terms" when having any sort of relational discussion. It took me even longer to learn how to apply it, but I think it has been one of the single greatest things I have ever utilized, leading to more productive and simplified discussions.

The concept, as I understand it and apply it is fairly simple. When entering any sort of discussion that may be heated or volatile, instead of saying "you [do or don't do this behavior that's really annoying me right now]," you think of a way of starting that sentence with an "I". Often times, I now find myself pausing when in some sort of heated discussion, trying to find a way that I can begin the sentence with an "I feel". Because really, just like when I was in therapy, it is not about them, it is about me and how the actions of another person are affecting me and why.

This approach, I have found does so many fantastic things that may not otherwise be achievable. First, it helps to lessen the other person's defense mechanisms and makes them more approachable on the subject because you are conveying to them how you feel, and if they care about you, that is going to illicit a better reaction than something more accusing in nature. Second, it actually helps frame the discussion for you and the other person. Why the hell are you really upset or annoyed - what sort of affect is that person's behavior having on you and is it even rational. Third, the discussion has a much higher probability of being productive and finding some sort of solution to make it not happen again. Fourth, it usually shortens the process.

Oftentimes, I found in my past relationships that there would be a huge explosive fight that would drag on for a bit and then that would usually resolve in one of two ways. Either there would be a reconciliation with a mildly more rational conversation or there would just be a reconciliation with nothing actually resolved other than the fight was over and we could go back to the way things were, which really only meant we would prolong the unhappiness because we were still nowhere closer to understanding one another or why the other was unhappy; all we knew was that they were unhappy.

Overall, this often means that you just end up fighting less frequently because you both begin to completely understand one another and yourselves that much better. You begin to be able to sort of gauge everything just a little more cleanly and it makes for a smoother relationship overall, which is not to say it will be a perfect relationship, or even the right relationship, but it certainly makes the entire process much more fulfilling and enjoyable, for everyone concerned.

Lack of Tension

I suppose I really do need to blog more. I have not been very good at sticking to it. Every week, I think I will be better at it and every week, I don't seem to be. I guess I often feel that I do not have anything interesting or exciting to say. Back when I used to blog more, I had a lot of exciting things happening, with terrible dating stories and reflections on relationships, dating, and women. I know there were some other things thrown in there, but I think that was a lot of the subject matter. After a while, I sort of ran out of things to say and I started dating someone and we didn't breakup. Suddenly, my life, while becoming more full, seemed a lot more boring. I guess that is probably a good sign - not having colorful fights every week and having large issues going on all the time probably is an indication of something fairly healthy. However, I also feel less exciting. Suddenly, Kevin Smith's blog title, My Boring Ass Life, makes a whole lot more sense to me.

So many of the sitcoms and movies you see are about the boy getting the girl, but not many of them actually involve what happens once that quest is achieved. Even if the hero does somehow manage to catch the object of his affection, it is likely not going to last very long. Something bad is bound to happen, and there will be tension and drama once again. One would assume that the reason for this is that actual normal relationships are probably just plain boring to anyone watching. To the people in them, there are the twists and turns, but the nuance is probably only barely grasped by the casual observer.

One of my best friends recently sent me a cookbook. She said that she had thought of getting me this book months ago, back when my blog seemed to be more about food. I thought the gift was so sweet of her, as I really do enjoy cooking. However, I felt a little sad because I still do cook, I just neglect to ever share that part of my life on here any more. It just no longer occurs to me that I still do some of those things that I used to think blog worthy. For example, my girlfriend and I recently bought a slow cooker. I was reading a blog or something and one guy mentioned that he cooks some big stew or something every weekend in a slow cooker and he and his girlfriend slowly consume it here and there during the week, letting them eat more home cooked meals, but not spending a ton of time doing so. I thought this was a great idea. So, we got one.

This weekend, I made chicken chili which tastes absolutely amazing. I am extremely picky when it comes to chili, especially chicken chili, but I absolutely love this one. I also love that as the slow cooker cooks for eight hours, the smells that fill my apartment are completely stellar. Granted, I still cook other things and I really enjoy it. But this just adds a new dimension to everything. I can have one thing cooking and still be making other things during the day. This week, I plan to make a spaghetti squash and herb dish, with this rather large squash we bought at out neighborhood farmers' market.

On Saturday, we woke up at the crack of dawn to go participate in a 5K to support a group that helps people out of domestic violence situations. It was really surprising to see so many people up that early on a Saturday. A good number of them even appeared to be high school kids just out there to support the the cause. I thought that was really cool. The run took place right next to the ocean, and we tried to watch the sunrise, but it was overcast. Still, it was a great experience, even if I did have to wake up at 4 or 5 to do it.

On Sunday, we went to church, had lunch with my best friend (I have a few), went to the gym, and ate chicken chili. Yum. I also succeeded in getting my haircut. Small goals. Next weekend, we are going to Halloween Horror Nights at Universal in Orlando. I love how much cheaper it is to go there as a Florida resident. We have a hotel and everything, and we will also get to see some of my friends while we are up there.

Timing Issues

I got the timing belt in my car changed this weekend. For those of you not familiar with such things as automobiles, a timing belt (more or less) controls the opening and closing of the engine valves, making it a rather important little hunk of rubber (unless your timing belt is actually a chain) to be spinning around in your car. Every 80,000 to 100,000 miles, you are supposed to change it (and often the water pump because of the pump's location). Otherwise, the belt might break, and if the timing belt breaks, you're screwed. If you try to restart a car with a broken timing belt, you're way more screwed. Unfortunately, the timing belt in most vehicles is incredibly difficult to get at and so the labor can be rather expensive. It's a good thing that the car manufacturers are nice enough to provide clear and precise instruction as to when to change it. It is unfortunate that more things like this are not written down for people.

For example, waiting for over a month, until just before you're about to have sex for the first time, is probably not the best time to tell your boyfriend that you have herpes. Gosh, wasn't that such an exciting experience for him. Then nagging him for months later about him wearing a condom when you have sex because well, he "probably has it anyway", also probably not the best approach. "I don't understand why it's such a big deal. Sooner or later you're going to catch it anyway. After all, we're getting married." We are? When did that happen? I only looked at the engagement rings, I didn't buy you one, and while I am busy making my decision, as much as I love you, I would rather not contract a disease that I will have to live with for the rest of my life. Is that ok with you?

"I wish you wouldn't say that, it makes me feel bad for having it. It's not my fault that I have it." I never said it was your fault, I was merely explaining to you that it is an incredibly difficult item for me to deal with at the moment, a fact that you do not seem to understand. All you seem capable of thinking about is how you feel about everything. You wanted to move in and get engaged after we had been dating six months. You were on a path to marrying me, you saw our future so clear, and you were so ready. Now that it turns out that I wasn't following along that path with you, as much as you professed that you thought I was right in taking our time, you are not happy because it is not on your time table.

Some people spin at different speeds and, unfortunately, there's no timing belt in place to keep everything firing at the correct pace. Gears and valves can get mangled in the process, as we hope against hope that the engine won't explode, because that would be one hell of a repair job. I have a friend still getting flowers, emails and text messages from an ex who is fully convinced that they will reconcile and be together again, even after she told him she'd call the police if he didn't leave her alone. Everyone has their own perception as to the status and direction of a relationship. Hopefully, the people involved have a similar enough image as to where things are going so that everything keeps spinning together.

* To be clear this post does not relate to my current girlfriend. I would have labeled it past tense, but I really did just get my timing belt changed.

Maybe "Sucks" Is The Wrong Word

Evidently, I did not completely ruin my life and I am not the spawn of Satan that I truly thought I was. Apparently, one can make mistakes without being reduced to that icky gunk that you find in the tray under your refrigerator, and when it comes to relationships - it is often better to make such mistakes before becoming exclusive with the other person. So at least I still have moderately good timing.

I saw my surgeon last week, who informed me that I am at least a month or two ahead of schedule as far as recovery goes, which I thought was excellent news. I can now begin unrestricted physical therapy. Despite the name, there are still all sorts of restrictions. For example, I cannot go skydiving, jump out of a moving vehicles, or go to the gym and lift weights. I suppose the last one goes without saying after the first two, but this one impacts my life far more than the first two, ever since I gave up my career as the sexy stunt double to Oprah Winfrey. I know, I know, it sounds like a cushy job, but it is not easy having to bob and weave through all the disgruntled fans that happened to not get in the audience that received the free car that day, and those cattle ranchers could get downright mean. In any event, I decided it just was not a role I could fulfill anymore.

Taking full advantage of my new found physical freedom, I took my little brother bowling this weekend. We both were able to refrain from falling over and sliding down the lane head first, which was good news for everyone there because I guarantee I would have bowled a perfect game that way, and I don't like to make everyone else feel bad with my obvious athletic prowess like that. It's like I told the coach of the team that day, "If I play for you, I am just going to embarrass all your other players and their performance will suffer." I chose yesterday to impart this sensitive and caring wisdom to my little bother. I think he understood. Then we pointed and stared at all the people that were different from us.

Love Sucks

I know the few of you that still read my blog may be asking yourselves, "Where's J? What's he doing?" The simple answer to such questions would be, "fucking up my life with the speed normally reserved for bullet trains and shooting stars."

As some of you know, I met an amazing woman through this thing we call blog. She is beautiful, smart, funny, sweet, caring and everything I could want in a woman, plus she likes me too. I know you're all rejoicing and carrying on at this point, reveling in my new found bliss. Well, slow down a little here, folks. The drawback is that she lives about 2,000 miles away from me and I've only actually seen her twice. Granted, we have spoken on the phone for hours and hours on end. My voice has kept her company for six hour car rides, and comforted her in her sorrow, and I know her better than possibly anyone, but I have no idea what that makes us. Are we lovers? Are we friends? Are we dating? It all starts getting confusing and murky when I start throwing the hard questions out there.

Enter, stage left, Girl Number 2. She is cute, actually lives near me and, quite obviously, likes me. Maybe I should not be in a relationship with a woman that lives so far from me. Licensed professionals have repeatedly told me that long distance relationships are not real relationships. That they only truly become real when the two people are near each other and that closeness cannot be fostered by some phone calls. They would get tired of me avoiding real relationships by getting into long distance ones. I feared that maybe what I was doing was wrong. The promises from my long distance lover that she would move here and be near me in six months did nothing to assuage my guilt. Why would she be moving here now suddenly except for me? I could not handle that responsibility. What if things did not work out? What if she moved here and we broke up and she was alone in some state that she only moved to for me.

My friends were split on this other woman dillema, some saying: "Well, you've only met the girl twice. Granted, you've been talking for a little while, but that is not really enough. I think you should explore Girl Number 2. It is better that you know now than later." I did not know if I could do that. I would feel terrible. I would feel like I was violating a trust. I have never done anything like that. Then again, I normally date in my own zip code now and would normally not be in a full blown relationship so quickly - I would have explored this Girl Number 2 early on, figured it out and decided without all this doubt and angst. But wait, am I even in a relationship? God, this is so fucking confusing. What the hell am I doing? Other friends told me, "Well, you should probably not do anything with Girl Number 2 because you love the other one, but if you do fool around with Girl Number 2, just don't tell the other one." There's some advice, don't do it, but if you do do it, lie about it. I felt like a slimy politician was giving me the advice.

So being the stupid idiot that I am, I thought, "I will just talk to this other girl. I will tell her that I am already involved and that this just isn't going to work - that we can be friends, but nothing more. This will resolve things." (I have to see this girl every day, so resolution was important to me.) As we hugged goodbye, she kissed me and I kissed her back and I knew, right then and there, that I was in love with someone other than the woman I had just touched lips with. It was just about then that my entire universe collapsed in upon itself. I could not forgive myself for what I had done. I had had good motives. I had wanted to be sure. I had wanted to know for certain that I did not like this Girl Number 2. The last thing I would want is for more months to pass or for my lover to move down here, only for me to then realize that I don't love her or that I have feelings for someone else. This would have never happened if we had actually dated like I normally date now. Dammit. Why couldn't this just be easy? Why the hell did she have to live so far away? Why the heck did I have to meet this Girl Number 2 when things were still weird and new between my lover and I, instead of when things were established and settled.

All I ever wanted was a safe and stable relationship. Why the fuck did this have to be so hard? Why couldn't I have ...? It didn't matter anymore. It was done. Now I knew who I wanted. Now all doubt was cast aside, and now I couldn't even begin to forgive myself for what I had done. Even though, most of my friends agreed that I had not really done anything terribly wrong. Most of them still felt it was better that I did it now and know for certain than to constantly wonder about some random girl, and most of them still saw it as something that is normal in the beginning of a relationship. "You would normally be dating other people now still, making sure that this is the person you want to be with. Why the hell are you beating yourself up for this?" Of course, I also had a friend say, "I would breakup with you. I don't believe in dating multiple people ever." Then again, she doesn't believe in long distance relationships either so I don't suppose she would ever be in my position.

I confessed my wrongs to my lover. I couldn't bear to lie to her. I felt like a fraud or a charlatan, letting her believe that I was so wonderful when I had done this thing. She was stunned, but understood. She forgave me, with the understanding that it would never happen again. And yet, I cannot bring myself to forgive. I know that if the situation had been reversed, I would easily forgive her. I have even been in her situation, and quite easily forgave the woman I was with, knowing that long distance is weird and hard and wanting the woman I am with to be secure and confident in her decision that I am who she wants to be with. And then the questions start swirling in my head again, what the hell are we? Should I be in a relationship with her? Should we just be friends, let her carve out her life as she wants it, with or without me and then, if things work out and she decides she really wants to live in Florida, we look into dating then? Do I stay with her, accept her forgiveness, somehow find a way to forgive myself and move on, happier than ever because I now have resolution and closure on the only lingering doubt I had remaining?

I have no answer. The only answer I have is that I love this woman and I cannot imagine my days and nights without her, and I cannot imagine how I am going to forgive myself.

It's Not What You Think

Women don't seem to get it.

"I don't know how to make him listen."

"Stop sleeping with him."

"What!?"

"Stop sleeping with him and I guarantee you will have his complete and undivided attention."

"I couldn't do that."

"But with the way he's acting there is no possible way you want to be sleeping with him right now."

"But ..."

Women often forget that they have control. They forget that they have the one thing that every man wants and will do practically anything to get. They're like the Middle East and men are the United States, paying whatever it takes to fill 'er up. (If you can't appreciate a good pun, you need another cup of coffee.) And they completely neglect to remember that there should be boundaries; that everyone in a relationship needs to have boundaries and they need to not only set them, but enforce them. Boundaries are not being selfish; boundaries are the creation and enforcement of standards as to how you are willing, and want, to be treated.

"You need to create a list of things that you want in your partner and then a list of things that are unacceptable - deal breakers, if you will. The second list is perhaps even more important than the first because if you don't adhere to it, the list becomes merely a wish list and is no longer a set of standards that you feel you are worth or that you deserve. Once you start losing yourself for a man, you're on a long road of disappointment and unfulfilment."

There are women that I know that could never adhere to this advice because they would view it as "using sex as a weapon". I've read books that have case studies about women like this. They are usually terrible at being able to create and enforce boundaries and are usually willing to bend and shape for those certain lovers in their lives. They are described as people who have difficulty both creating and enforcing boundaries and because they don't have stable boundaries of their own, they have great difficulty respecting those of others - even those they care about deeply. Apparently, the books say, this is not a good thing.

What's a girl to do?

The important thing really is that you do exactly what you want to be doing, and not what you think someone else wants you to do. Sounds like an extremely easy piece of advice, right? Just do exactly what you feel like doing. It gets more complicated when what you want to do is please others or take care of or rescue others. Suddenly, the things that you really want to be doing involve satisfying the unmet needs of others more than your own. And when you put your needs first, you suddenly feel selfish or cruel. It feels completely unnatural, and angst takes hold. You begin feeling terrible about it. It eats you up, and you suddenly feel like you're just being selfish and you're doing the wrong thing. You want to apologize, to reconcile, to do whatever it takes to make that feeling go away, even if it means sacrificing another aspect of yourself - because that is, after all, the hallmark of your identity.

I know, I know, this post seemed to start with such promise - what with all the talk about sex, and now here we are talking about boundaries. What the fuck?

The point of it all really is that it's not wielding a weapon, it's not being selfish, and it's not being cruel; it is setting boundaries and adhering to them, displaying respect for yourself. It is through exhibiting respect and care for yourself that you are able to display your capacity to respect and care for others. (You cannot truly love another until you love yourself.)

Alone at Last

I sometimes will hear the familiar refrain, "If you don't [insert verb here], you'll be alone for a very long time." I even received an anonymous comment on one of my recent posts suggesting this. (Don't look for it because as with most anonymous comments, I responded to it and then deleted it.) Every time someone offers this lesson in romance, they usually say it like being alone is the equivalent of catching Ebola.

At one point in my life, statements like this would have haunted me and given me night sweats and terrors. The fear of being alone was enough to strike fear into my heart. It didn't matter whether the judgmental person throwing this statement out there was right or not. Somehow my brain skipped the step of any type of analysis of the character of the speaker. All that mattered was that someone had found something in me wanting and if I ever wanted to be happy, I needed to change.

"Wait, what was that?"

"Right, if I want to be happy, I need to change."

"But that's not what they said. What they - this anonymous speaker who suddenly feels that they have sufficient insight into you, life, and love - said was if you don't change, you'll be alone. When did alone become synonymous with unhappiness? When did you let those two concepts connect in your brain and rule your life? When did you allow your entire concept of happiness become controlled by another and tied to whether or not someone else finds value in you?"

"Um ... since ever? Isn't that what happiness is? Having that person that loves you and understands you? What's the point in living if you have to do it alone? I don't want to be alone. In the movies the people that are alone are always sad. They're always missing something."

"Great, now you have movies controlling your self image. How independent of you. Have you noticed that you're never alone? Have you noticed the friends that you have and the things that you do? Why is your self-esteem and self-worth coming from external sources instead of from within, where it's supposed to originate? I mean, it's in the name, after all - self-worth, self-esteem."

"Just lucky, I guess."

It took me years of therapy to make all of these connections, to line up all the pieces and connect all the dots, and to come to the conclusion that being alone is not the worst thing in the world. It is not a fate worse than death and that happiness truly comes from within. I learned that while I would love to be in a relationship with the right person, I'm still just as good without one. I now find it rather humorous when I hear someone say, "Your standards are too high," or "You wonder why you're alone." The truth is I don't care whether anyone thinks my standards are too high and I don't wonder why I'm alone. Usually the person saying these things is the type to wonder at such things but I simply cannot be bothered. Because all of that inner peace and happiness that I kept expecting to find in someone else ended up being within myself all the time.

Free at Last

Every now and again, I'll catch a flicker of just the right hair color or just the right body type and I'll be instantly reminded of an ex. Sometimes it will be a fond recollection and other times it will be a bitter fleeting thought that I would just as soon forget. There are also the rare occasions where I will suddenly be filled with remorse and regret. The thought creeps in that perhaps I made the biggest mistake ever. Perhaps she was the one for me. No faith in my own decision making - it was an issue I had to address in therapy. "What do you mean that's a bad thing?"

I remember she used to ask me, and her other friends, for hours on end what we thought of Fred's behavior. It was a terrible exercise in futility, as we would all validate her feelings and tell her how right she was to be feeling the way she did, but then she would confront him and her entire self-esteem and boundaries would immediately crumble. We simply believed in her more than she believed in herself, a terribly unfortunate way to live. "He's not like you. He doesn't understand me the way you do. It's not his fault. I just need to be better. You don't understand him the way I do. You don't see how much potential he has." It's always frightening when you see others' dysfunctions in yourself. However, it's also relieving because it's that recognition and admission that can lead to recovery or behavior modification (as they like to call it).

However, there were other issues that I also had to address and, at times, it's difficult for me to look back and discern whether I got in the way of myself somewhere along the line. This self-doubt and concern can haunt me for days, as I reevaluate and reassess. But every now and again, something spectacular happens where the ex does something so annoying that I am immediately reminded of all the reasons she made me miserable and I am instantly glad to be away, with no regrets to ever haunt me again.

"She really did that?"

"Yeah. Pretty crazy, huh?"

"I can't believe you stayed with her for as long as you did."

"I was too busy being afraid that leaving would be a bigger mistake than staying to see just how unfulfilled I was. I kept thinking someone else would make the decision for me. I kept hoping that someone would say the magic words that finally gave me the courage and freedom to leave. What it took me time to learn was that I always had that freedom and only I could see it through."

You Should Read This

I started reading one of my books about codependency the other night. I think one of the problems with those books is they often discuss the severe cases or the cases that have, eventually, escalated out of control. Much like alcoholism, it's usually a progressive illness, worsening with time if left untreated. I felt like if I lent the book to one of my friends, they could easily shake it off and laugh, as it wouldn't really apply to them. After all, I don't have many friends dating alcoholics or drug addicts. I've had a couple, but they either grew out of it or eventually left the relationship, or we've lost touch. However, I know several codependents. In fact, in my life, I was often attracted to codependent women. I think it's probably because of the way I was raised. I felt that if maybe I shared one of their stories, it might have more of an impact.

In law school, I knew a girl named Liz. Liz was married to this guy named Fred. Liz was fairly unhappy about that fact. She really didn't like Fred. She didn't feel like he really understood her or the things that were important to her. She didn't feel that he was supportive of her in many ways and when she tried to talk to him about it, he usually made her feel like she was overreacting or being ridiculous. Liz couldn't leave Fred because she couldn't figure out anything that he really did wrong. He was a good provider. He made good money. He didn't beat her. Her family would never understand. And she constantly worried that it might be a mistake to leave. "What if he's the one I'm meant to be with?" She kept hoping Fred would either change or leave her.

Eventually, Liz had an affair and Fred found out about it. Liz figured Fred had to leave now. I mean, c'mon, she had been cheating on him. But Fred didn't want to leave. Fred cried and said he wanted to save their marriage. This caught Liz off guard. She explained that she didn't want to work on anything. She wanted a divorce. He wouldn't give her one. She said that she wouldn't stop sleeping with other men. He didn't care. He cried and begged and Liz decided she had to stay for a while. After all, she did love him and he was a nice guy. He really had always been the same guy. He just had never changed, or become the person she envisioned him being, despite all her efforts. Liz went home to see her family and they all confessed that they thought Liz had been unhappy for a while and that if she wanted to leave Fred, they fully understood. Fred said he wanted to have children. Liz changed her hair.

Liz started seeing a psychologist, a really good psychologist. Liz's psychologist diagnosed Liz as a codependent and he was pretty sure Fred was too. Liz couldn't leave Fred still. They'd fight and argue but she couldn't do it. She just didn't have it in her and she didn't know what her life would be like without a relationship. She had always had a man in her life.

Liz got offered a job far away. Her psychologist said that when she took the job, she should ask for a trial separation from Fred. "It doesn't have to be permanent. Just some time away so that you can truly assess your feelings about this relationship."

"Why do you look frightened?"

"I'm worried that if I do what you're asking, I'll never go back with him."

"From everything I know about you and everything you've told me, you won't, but you will actually need to complete the separation to make a rational and healthy decision. No contact for at least three months. None. If he respects you and loves you, he will give you this time."

Liz did it. It was the hardest thing she had ever done in her life. She walked away from Fred and moved, beginning her trial separation. It lasted all of three days.

Liz couldn't take it. She missed Fred. He wasn't that bad after all. And he did love her. I mean, he had stayed and he said he loved her. "He just doesn't understand how to make me feel loved. That's not his fault." Liz was still trying to make excuses for Fred and enable his behavior. It's what codependents do, and she had stopped therapy after she moved. Liz isolated herself from all of her friends, didn't return their calls, wouldn't go out with them and soon left town with Fred.

I recently spoke with a friend of Liz's, who occasionally speaks with her still. "I spoke to Lizzy the other day."

"How is she?"

"She's still miserable with Fred. Nothing in her life has changed one bit. They're the exact same couple they were years ago, maybe a little worse. I just don't get it. How could she be that miserable and still stay?"

Orbital Patterns

"Let me get this straight. He told you that he has still been seeing his ex-girlfriend and they have a trip planned to Jamaica together for New Years, and you want to know what you should do?"

"He swears they aren't sleeping together."

"Have you asked any of your other friends about this?"

"Well one of them said that maybe I should give him a chance, and noted that he had been honest enough to tell me about all of it."

"He really only came clean after you finally got him to talk about your relationship, a concept that you were completely resistant to, as you didn't want to seem 'needy'. Out of curiosity, is this woman telling you to 'give him a chance' the same friend that is now married to the man that pushed her out of the moving vehicle while they were dating?"

"Yeah."

Women amaze me with their uncanny ability to stay with men that are completely terrible to them for extended periods of time. I have often found that the worse I am to a girl and the less I care, the more likely they are to stay around. Alternately, if I am actually nice to them and show how much I care for them, they usually tend to walk all over me and breakup with me. I'm told women often grow out of this condition at around fifty. Figuring that I couldn't really afford to wait that long, I decided to find a mix that I was comfortable with - nice to a point.

It strikes me as odd that women blame men for being terrible or for being pigs or for this or that. As though they were suddenly betrayed by men who never gave the slightest indication that they might not be everything the women dreamed of. However, I have always found the signs as being fairly evident from the beginning. Clearly, the man that thrusts you out of a moving vehicle may have some anger management problems that might creep into your relationship in the future. The man that clings to you and follows you about the room like a lost puppy, may have some insecurity issues of his own that are bound to compound and manifest themselves in such colorful ways in the future. All of these signs will be quite clear and evident and yet the women will often stay. They all have their reasons, I'm sure. Often, there seems to be some amazing power of hope coursing through their bodies. What, exactly, they are hoping for remains a complete mystery. Perhaps they hope that he will change, or that it was an isolated incident, or that something equally magical is at play. Perhaps they are fearful of change or of being alone or of admitting that someone got the better of them.

One of my best friends has taken to using a different approach with women. He uses honesty like sword. "I am not looking for a relationship. I really like spending time with you, and I love having sex with you but there is absolutely no way I can be with just you. I'm simply not ready for anything like that right now." He's been giving this speech for the last four years to countless women and yet they stay. Eventually, each woman he dates often gets angry and frustrated with him, as he simply continues to date and sleep with other women. "I almost had sex with seven different women last week, but I got too tired and went to bed for two days. Apparently, five is now my limit." And yet, even though the women get mad, even though they might get frustrated and angry and walk away, they always seem to come back for more, like he is the sun and they all sort of orbit about him.

To the women that blame the men for being this way, I'll tell you exactly what my best friend has confided to me numerous times, and which I have also found to be true. "I would love to be honest with a woman and just totally be there for them and do all of those nice things that women profess they want. Like one of those sweet, sappy romantic movies. I think it would be nice, and certainly a hell of a lot easier than the crap I have to deal with now. However, if I do that, the women leave and go after some other guy that will treat them exactly the way I'm treating them now. We don't make the rules; as guys, we'll do just about anything for sex. This seems to be the way I have to act to get it."

Do You Understand

Recently, I was reviewing Presidential Tax Returns and I realized some people make an incomprehensible amount of money. For example, Dick Cheney, recently made $7,000,000.00 in one year. I don't even know if I'll make that much in my lifetime and he made that in just one year. I cannot even begin to comprehend what it must be like to make that much money. What was even more astounding was that even in the lean years he made one or two million. I tried to picture what my life would be like if I made that much money on an annual basis and I still can't get a clear picture. It's like trying to watch porn on cable without paying for it.

I suppose things can often be that way. It's hard to really understand what someone else experiences. I can't possibly understand what it's like to be Mike D., Wynton Marsalis, our president, Salma Hayek, Heidi Klum ... where was I? However, I also can't imagine what it would be like to be homeless for an extended period of time, not able to eat when I was hungry, or not able to wash my hands when they were dirty. I can't imagine not having running water. However, it's not just socioeconomic and class differences that puzzle me. I can't imagine killing anyone over my religious beliefs. It absolutely exceeds my grasp. The lifestyles of these people are probably, almost certainly, different from mine.

One does not, however, need to go to such extremes to find people to which they cannot relate. I recently heard a story about New York adopting the No Child Left Behind framework that we have adopted in Florida. Intellectuals have shown that the system doesn't work; that it's an utter failure cooked up by the politicians to show that progress is being made. Teachers have ridiculed it and talked about so much of teaching now is teaching students how to take a standardized test. We all know such things are faulty. You often will have a higher chance of success predicting the failure and success of students with the flip of a coin than with a standardized test. However, we use them. We use them because it makes tangible out of what is completely intangible - a learning and socialization process.

People sometimes think that they can relate. They are led to believe that they are involved. Most people think the death tax will affect them, but it won't. I have white friends that grew up with only other white people and they think they understand what's it's like to not be white, but they probably don't. I think it makes us feel better, though, to feel like we can relate and that we understand our world. That we understand what it's like to be the doctor, the attorney, the waitress, the grocery store bagger, the teacher ... but how illusory is this belief. How well do two people ever really know each other?

Last night, I received a phone call from one that I know well, and as the conversation unfolded aspects were revealed to show the complexities that make up the web of her life. I don't know if I fully understand her life, but I love the opportunity to see it a little more clearly with each passing day.

Give Me, Give Me What I Cry For

I used to think she didn't care or that she was incapable of considering the thoughts, needs, wants, or desires of others when it came to shopping. I still remember one of the first gifts she got me. You could tell she loved it. It was quite possibly one of the best gifts anyone could have ever gotten her. I, unfortunately, did not share her taste with respect to that particular item and ended up giving it to her.

It was often upsetting to her that she never knew what to get me. I always seemed to have all of these wonderful little thoughtful gift ideas for her, but then she would bring her mind to bear on what to get me, it would come up blank. I often interpreted this as meaning that she really just didn't care or didn't know me. It seemed all of the ideas that she came up with often fell short of what I would want and were more in-line with her preferences. It would make her so frustrated, and I would be so frustrated because she was so upset.

All I really wanted, usually, was a gift card and a day of fun with her, but this didn't make sense to her. Where were the objects displaying our love? Where was the commericalism? How could we really love each other unless we bought lots of things for each other? Time wasn't really anything important?

Yet, it seemed she often seemed so much more considerate to others with whom she wasn't as close. Why did they generate more consideration and thoughtfulness from her than me? Wasn't I supposed to be just as, if not more, important than them. It just didn't make any sense. She just must not care for me.

Then today, I read about a study just released from The University of Chicago. It turns out that people are often worse at buying presents for their loved ones than complete strangers because they often feel that the other person's tastes must be similar to their own. "Not only do we feel overconfident that we’ll pick something they like, but our tendency to assume that we are extremely similar to the ones we love also motivates us to ignore cues that don’t support preconceived notions." Perhaps this year, more people would be better off pretending like they were still getting to know their loved ones when they go to pick that perfect gift, rather than believing that they already know them all too well. Or maybe everyone should just pick out their own gifts.

Where's My Ring?

"How can you say that you're committed when you haven't even bought me a ring?"

It made no logical sense. He had moved hundreds of miles for her, after tiring of driving the hundreds of miles to see her every week, forsaken any friends he had made for the move, spent an entire day making her family authentic Jewish food so that she could see her mother, and offered to enroll in couples therapy in an effort to allow them to communicate better. But all of that was easily ignored, as it did not equal a ring. Irrespective of the fact that they had not yet been dating a year. Apparently a ring would have made things different, even though it wouldn't.

Their lives were hopelessly intertwined, objects at one another's lodgings, shared friends, shared moments, shared memories. Laughs, fights, tears, joy and sorrow were all shared together and experiences that could easily be referenced to the other. For better or worse. "You never stand up for me with your friends or family," he would complain. "You never say how pretty I am anymore," she would lament. They both looked at each other as habits that now needed to be broken.

The twisting and twirling of her hair as she drove was no longer cute. His love for discussion, cooking, and sex were no longer appreciated. Each were being overshadowed by the other insurmountable issues causing distress in their lives, and neither was able to completely communicate what they were feeling to the person that was closest to them. The ties that bonded them were slowly unraveling and each stood helpless to stop it.

He would retreat and she would mourn. He felt terribly conflicted and she appeared resolute, while inwards she was equally conflicted. New jobs, new towns, new lifestyle, new dynamics, and illnesses. It all came at once. It all came with the force of a meteor crashing to the ground and darkening all of the area that once glowed so brightly. Where was the light and where was the answer. It couldn't all be contained in a ring. There had to be more. Love was a not a ring.

It all ended rather abruptly for them both. There was talk that they would remain friends but such a desire was rather unrealistic. Her idea of friendship involved occasional text messages and dating other people. He couldn't quite get the hang of all of that, and didn't see the point to it anyway. It would never be what he wanted, and what was the point in fighting the tide. She drifted away and found port in other harbors.

"Do you ever think of her?"

"Yes, but I think of many people, daily. It's just something I do. Each, however, elicit different reactions as they cross my mind."

"Do you miss her?"

"I miss what we were and I often ponder how it all went to pieces, and how shocked all my friends had been when I expressed how unhappy I had been for so long. I never shared all of that with them because I never wanted it to influence their opinion of her."

"Were you able to take anything from it?"

"Yes. There will always be doubts and that's ok. There will always be others that look at you with affection and desire and while it is tempting to view it as desirable, it is an inadequate comparison. For you are only comparing what you have with something different and something you don't know. There will always be temptations and life is a series of gut checks. It also changed the way I offer people advice in a particular way."

...

"When my friend recently asked me if she should break up with her boyfriend, I asked her if she was happy with the type of person that he was and whether she felt it was something the two of them could work on, noting it was not for me to decide whether or not she should be with him. It was up to her if she liked him enough to stay with him, as she was the person that would have to wake up with him every morning. Sometimes, I can be more direct with my advice, depending on the situation. I have found that friends often don't like the people that hurt us, but that this opinion can quickly change when the hurting stops."