Tarnish

"Where have you been?"

He could tell from the sound of her voice and the frenzied look upon her face that he was not going to be able to simply slide off his shoes and climb into bed, which was just about the only thing he wanted to do at this point. There would now have to be explanations and discussions. He would have to reassure her and comfort her, and relive the details and he was simply not looking forward to it. He had been dreading it the entire way home, and had even considered spending the night in a hotel. He had only decided to come home because he figured sooner or later, he would have to get it over with. He would have to explain. She was never going to understand.

"Look, Susan. Can't we just say that I am a busy man? Sometimes, I just have to leave at a moment's notice."

"But we were in the middle of making love. You don't just get up and run out the door in the middle of that."

"I sensed that I had to go. You wouldn't understand."

"Oh, and who would understand? Maybe this Lois woman? Hmmm? Well, I'm not Lois and I am tired of being compared to her. Is that who you went to see? Is it?"

He was tired of the accusations. He could not help who he was or the call of duty he felt compelled with every waking moment of every day. He was not like ordinary men and it was a struggle for him to try and keep his relationship together while still trying to fulfill this duty he felt the need to fulfill. He knew his psychologist would have something interesting to say. Probably along the lines of, "Why do you feel the need to save everyone?" or "Perhaps you should focus on yourself and your needs," but how could he do that when the forces of evil were out there waiting to pounce upon the land and topple the bastions of freedom in the world. How could he possibly compare his relationship to such high stakes things. Lois would have understood. Then again, maybe she wouldn't. After all, hadn't she left him too - right at the alter, saying, "I just can't do this," as the sound of bullets filled the air. They wouldn't even let him have a moment's peace on his own wedding day. Just thinking of it made his blood boil.

"I did not go to see Lois. I don't understand why you always think I'm going to see her. Did you think my life was going to change when we started dating? That the world was going to somehow need me less?"

"I do not understand why you always seem to feel all of these people need you. I am not looking for someone that I have to share with the "world,'" her fingers encircling the word. "I want a husband; I want someone I can share my life with."

And there it was, that sound of exhaustion and resignation in her voice. He did not feel that he could comfort her. What was he to do? Tell her the whole truth? He could not risk that? The ride was over - once again faster than a speeding bullet. How could he find the balance that he so desperately searched for in all of this. He did not want to say goodbye to Susan, but he did not want the world to fall into the clutches of evil either. Maybe J'onn would be able to help. He often seemed insightful on these matters, which was odd given his heritage. He struggled to find the words for her; something to tied her over until he could arrive at something better. "Always trying to save everyone - patching up everything but never truly healing," the words of wisdom he paid to hear every week.

"Please. Don't leave. I will try to be better. We'll work on it."

Reluctance appeared in her face.

I Don't Understand

I wanted to write, but do not have very much to say. I got my first round of immunizations for my trip to Costa Rica next year. Just two more rounds, and I'll be ready, immunologically speaking. The woman that gave me my shots was really nice and seemed to know everything about diseases and which shots and medications I needed, and where to get a free, small supply of Cipro and everything else one could want when planning a trip to a foreign country where you could get Malaria and die.

Instead of continuing to bore you, however, I leave you with this small wisp of fiction that I wrote without thinking.

"I don't understand," she said, as her eyes welled up with sadness.

He had seen this look before, too many times, and knew the tears were about to fall. He hated the tears - they were the worst part. He would have done almost anything to keep them from falling. Instead, all he did was stare coolly at her, attempting to affect some sympathy and understanding in his eyes, but it was the end of the day and they were tired. He silently hoped she would hold it together just a little.

"I am really sorry to have to deliver the news, ma'am, but your husband is dead," his stare slightly softened. Usually, about now the reality would start sinking in. He really wished his partner was there, she was so much better at delivering news like this. Figures she had to be out sick today. He saw two small children contained in the picture over the woman's shoulder. They were probably at some after-school event, completely unaware at what news they were about to uncover when they came home. Something was burning in the kitchen.

"He was shot?"

"Yes, ma'am. It looks like he was not the intended target. Just in the wrong place at the wrong time. Two other people were shot with him. We believe it was a gang related shooting, but the investigation is still pending." Poor bastard was probably out trying to do some good. His fingerprints had been listed in the police files database, having been a social worker years ago. He had since gone into private practice working with the down-trodden. Perhaps trying to heal a partially fractured soul, after years of screwing the little guy in the big corporate rat race. No way to know, just now. It may even end up that he was an intended target. One thing was clear, the victim should have just stayed home with his lovely wife and enjoyed a quiet fall day in bed with the missus. What the hell was he doing in that part of town? He should have known better.

He began cautiously questioning her, gently probing for details, "Any idea why your husband was out that way; Did he have any enemies", etc. It was probably just going to end up being another case filed away as collateral damage, but he had to go through the motions. After twenty years on the job, the one thing Grady had learned was that routine was your friend.

He Speaks

Rachel's heart raced as he walked through the door, an experience normally reserved for her nights at the gym. Although, she felt he could likely give her a much more satisfying workout. However, Richard wasn't having any of it. You had to hand it to the man, not a lot of men (wedding band or not) could resist a 21 year old woman's advances for three years straight and counting. She often wondered why he didn't just terminate her. He had never been anything but kind to her, however.

Richard seemed to have an extra spring in his step as he entered and greeted Rachel, an exercise he had repeated with meticulous regularity over the years, sharing a smile with her that he normally reserved for his daughter. He knew she had a crush on him and he knew it was completely inappropriate, but he chalked it up to Rachel needing a father figure in her life and her mistaking those feelings for him as love, or that's what that Dr. Phil-type psychologist had said to the girl who had called in one day. Richard assumed it was a condition she would eventually outgrow and just didn't see it as a problem of any real consequence. Despite all the examples he knew to the contrary, Richard could never see himself as carrying on an affair. He just wasn't wired that way.

Many of his friends had stories of their extramarital exploits - they would share them in whispers over pints at the local drinking establishments, and if nothing else, they were tremendously entertaining. However, he could just never do that to his family. He loved his wife. Granted, their love had been, at times, more clinical than passionate, but it was genuine, and his love for his children was beyond reproach. Yes, Samantha and David could be a bit of a handful, at times, but he loved them unconditionally. He loved seeing them smile more than seeing the sunrise, and he was so proud of their accomplishments. His car covered in those pretentious, "my child is on the honor roll," bumper stickers. He could not imagine ever bringing pain into their lives that way.

Their mother was not who anyone would have expected him to end up with. And if her sudden pregnancy in college hadn't occurred, they likely wouldn't have lasted the year, but that wasn't how they were raised. You had to make it work for the children. That's what they said. He swore there had been a sexual revolution somewhere along the way, but somehow his parents and wife had missed it, at least in this respect. There was a way things were done. So he buckled down - traded in his somewhat promising career as a musician for one as an attorney, "Every one's got to pay the mortgage," and set about making a life centered around his family. The odd thing was that Mary and his children were probably the best things that had ever happened in his life. His love for Mary had blossomed over the years and had added a vibrancy to his life that he very likely would have otherwise missed. Somehow, he had grown up to be the man he had always imagined, although, he wasn't quite clear when it had all happened.

This morning had been a tremendous release for them both. The last several weeks had been punctuated with stress regarding their children passing school and state exams, and helping them review and getting them to this practice or that lesson. It was as if a whirlwind of chaos existed in their home at all times over the past several weeks, and then, suddenly, there was calm, and there was a moment and he used it for all it was worth. He still remembered her nails digging into him and her legs wrapping around his body as she writhed in ecstasy....

Richard looked up from some documents as he heard someone enter his office and close the door. "Looks like someone got some this morning." It was John, Richard's friend from law school and another attorney at the firm. Apparently, the smile on his face had not gone unnoticed by the other members of his office. Fortunately, John was smart enough to say it behind closed doors.

A smile of satisfaction and ego appeared on Richard's face. "I took care of that."

"It's about fucking time, man. I was starting to worry about you."

Work Day

Regina continued to gaze over at Mary. Something was different about her. Regina's co-worker had been smiling more and there was a spring in her step. She reminded her of her eight year old daughter that seemed to be enjoying her summer vacation more than should ever be allowed. It was as though she had found a secret fountain of happiness somewhere. Regina snatched another Dove chocolate from her drawer, and savored the warmth of the confection as it slowly flowed down her throat. Maybe Mary had just found some really good chocolate.

Mary felt every one's eyes upon her, the center of attention for everyone, or so she had herself believing. She smiled over at Regina, who seemed to have a slightly quizzical look on her face. The two had worked side-by-side for over ten years, back before Regina even had children. She had gotten to watch Regina grow and become the woman that she was over the years. In many ways, Regina was like another daughter to Mary, and in her mind had ceased to advance in years past the age of seventeen. Sure, they talked about children and marriage, but more as one confides with a daughter. Regina's husband was a nice enough guy, but he never would have likely kept her attention if he hadn't knocked her up at the tender age of sixteen. Suddenly the man that was only ever good enough for a passing fancy was her one and only for the rest of her life, or that's how the storybooks read. Mary was too far advanced past fairy tales to really give them much more than a passing thought, but she could never bring herself to remove any such hope from someone she loved and cared for.

"Did you get a raise?"

Mary smiled back at the question. The grin simply could not be removed from her face and it seemed to continually grow with each passing second. "You know annual reviews aren't until December," she replied with a knowing coy glance.

Regina tossed this around in her brain momentarily and then her mind landed on something unexpected. "You're children are away at camp now, aren't they?"

"Mmmm hmmmm." She couldn't suppress the almost gigglish smile that was spreading across her face now, as her eyes danced. She struggled to keep her face down and focus on her filing, knowing that if she met Regina's gaze she would break into a fit of exuberance.

"So you and Joe had a good morning, then? It must be peaceful without the children around."

Finally, Mary looked up. "My morning was many things, but I wouldn't call it peaceful." The two exchanged a knowing glance and merriment danced across their faces. One vicariously exuberant with the happiness of her friend. This would definitely give them something to talk about and breakup the monotony of another day in their bleak office.

Early Monday Morning

She brushed the hair out of her face and slowed down just enough to smile. Sure it had made her late, but the moment she had shared with him earlier that morning still made her knees a little weak, and made the prospect of another day at this pointless governmental job easier to accept. It had been a while since they had stolen a moment like that - like teenage newlyweds again. Normally, the whirlwind of activity that filled their lives began at sunup and continued well after sundown, getting the kids packed up and getting them to school, picking up after them, refereeing their fights, helping them with homework. However, summer had arrived, and with it sleep away camp had provided some much needed time and relief.

No one had ever told her that her life would be like this. She loved her life and she adored her children, but she just thought it would be different. She had different hopes and dreams as an adolescent. At some point, she had let them go rushing past her face to embrace the life that she now had. Sometimes the loss hit her straight in the face and she spent a moment questioning her entire life and the direction of it. Dreaming of what her life would have been like if maybe things were just a little different. Maybe if she had not had children. Maybe if she had risked a little more. Maybe if she had pursued that opportunity. It was supposed to have turned out differently. But when he held her in his arms this morning, as they both struggled to catch their breath and she rested her head on his chest, hearing his heartbeat, she could not imagine her life to be any other way. In that moment it was clear that this was exactly where she was supposed to be. In that moment, all the little voices of question and doubt were silenced and all she could think of was how perfect this moment was.

She quickened her pace again to catch the door that was being held open for her, plunging herself into another day of mindless activity, but at least now she had something else more fun to let her mind explore, their upcoming evening together.

The Noise

The noise of their love-making escalated behind her. She couldn't bear to look any longer. She felt her entire body rebelling against what she had just seen. "Why in the hell did I agree to this? What was I thinking?" she admonished herself.

In the beginning, it had seemed like such a great idea to "liven" things up. But now all she could do was beat herself up and listen to the demise of her relationship as her lover and her girlfriend cried with pleasure behind her. Each fervent moan of passion twisting and distorting the thing of beauty that had once seemed so large, stretching out like a vast ocean into the distance, always with hope and promise on the horizon. These things were now replaced with pain and horror as her lover continued to do unspeakable things to the woman that only hours ago had been her best friend. She couldn't bring herself to turn and look back at the scrapyard of lives laying there like twisted metal.

They had had their troubles in the past, of course. She assumed every relationship had certain bumps along the way. But nothing could compare to what she now felt. It was so unexpected. The pain and jealousy that had gripped her had been so sudden and intense. It took all her power to stifle the sensation of her stomach convulsing, and to remain standing as her knees no longer desired to work. Before that moment, everything had been serene. She had felt impossible pleasures, and been touched in ways that she had never before experienced. She had allowed her friend to explore her and they became more intimate than she had ever imagined, all while her lover did the most unimaginable things to her own body, making her writhe in ecstasy. Even remembering it, made her lips quiver with pleasure, but it was only momentary as the moans of the couple behind her knocked her back into reality. She struggled to catch her breath and swallowed the bitter taste of bile in her mouth.

Just as she was glowing from her own euphoria, her lover had gripped that bitch -- that fucking whore -- and had torn into her like she was the best thing he had ever felt in his life. Their passionate moans and kisses had been deafening and each one of their thrusts had stabbed into her heart. As his hands traced her form, from her jawline, around her neck, down her chest and along the side of her body, she felt the burning sting, like he was using razor blades to cut into her flesh. Every kiss of his lips against that slut's flesh was like a brand being placed upon her, burning into her soft, tender skin that only moments ago had felt the most ineffable love for this man who now seemed to have forgotten she was even there. Her eyes burned and she tried violently to claw them from her face and erase the painful memories that were now forever etched in her brain.

Silently, she willed herself to turn around, to let the pain wash over her and sink herself deep into this utter sludge pit into which she had stepped, as she heard his words from the week before echo in her head: "Maybe we should invite Candy over and have a threesome." He claimed that he just wasn't feeling as passionate for her anymore -- that maybe they needed to bring the "spice" back to their relationship. Reluctantly, she had agreed, wanting more than anything to reclaim the vision of the glorious future they had once shared. No price was too high for the future she was so sure was there for them both. She shared drinks with Candy and the conversation took place. In retrospect, causing all of this destruction was far easier than she had ever expected. A couple of drinks and a few words between friends and the demise of her two most valued relationships was sealed.

Fighting back the tears that threatened to gush forth from her eyes at any moment, she picked up the remnants of her clothes and self-respect that lay scattered about the room, as the lovers carried on, seeming oblivious to both her presence and her pain. Her entire life was flashing through her head as she skulked through the room, asking herself how the hell she had gotten here. She had been such a good, sweet, innocent girl growing up. Already, she felt a filth and disgust on herself that no shower could wash off, and every breath she drew in brought their stink in with it. Just as she was about to open the door to leave she heard, "Babe, where are you going?" She turned to see his dick still inside her as the whore involuntarily kept moving against him, paused in mid-thrust. She walked out the door.

The Empty Bar Stool

He stumbled across the room and sat down next to me. I had hoped that I had exuded that certain aura that screamed, "Unless you're a hot coed, stay the hell away from me," but unfortunately, my internal transmission tower must have been down or maybe there was interference, it's not quite clear. All that was clear was that the bastard was sitting next to me and now I lived with the silent terror that he might want to talk to me.

I considered moving across the room, or maybe just down the bar, but the remaining cast of characters looked equally unsavory and I doubted I would find a better spot. Besides, he might be a nice guy. Perhaps his unkempt exterior and beleaguered looking appearance masked the heart of poet and mind of a scientist. Perhaps his lecherous leers at all the women were just a front and he softly worried to himself and wanted nothing more than to find that right woman and settle down.

"Hey, baby, get me a beer." The words slurred out of his mouth, having trouble making their way around his teeth. Clearly, this guy was all heart. "Fucking broads. They never let up. Always complaining and complaining. Like I don't have enough of my own problems. Now I have to listen to theirs? And, of course, I'm always to blame. Like it's my fault for every damn thing that goes wrong in her day. They're ridiculous aren't they?" Startled, I suddenly realized he was attempting to make conversation with me.

"Yeah. Crazy, huh?"

Apparently, his only his mind and not his mouth had reached its limit, "Like it's my fucking fault that her car got stolen and the rent is late. I'm out there bustin' my ass every damn day and all she can do is complain and demand the money. She doesn't even put out any more." The words stumbled their way off his tongue. The fact that someone had ever slept with this man in the past was a testament to the either the power of alcohol or the desperation of women. "I just don't get women, you know?"

"Oh, I know. I know."

I maintained a hidden hope that the conversation could end abruptly and I could escape, but I could see it was useless - I was now his brother-in-arms and we were about to take on the entire female race for their crimes against mankind. I was sure we were about to embark on an entire discussion regarding the emasculation of men by these evil creatures. I needed to get the hell out of there before he decided we were going to be best friends for life. Fortunately, just when I thought it would never end, the Vogons came through and killed him.