Checking It Twice

"There's a balance to be struck between your list of qualifications and reality."

"I spent a lot of time constructing my list."

"Yes, I know, and how proud you must be of it too. However, someone else shaped reality and they didn't really give a damn about your stupid list."

"No need to be testy about the whole thing. You want a cookie?"

"Your list is nothing more than a set of criteria you are looking for. You likely will never get someone that satisfies all of it. You really want someone that satisfies the major factors you are looking for."

"How will I -"

"Because the key factors should be the ones that overlap with a best friend. Granted there is more to a romantic relationship than friendship - there needs to be some attraction and passion, but needs and circumstances are going to change over time, and without the basic fundamental things that cement the relationship, which will often be the same things that form the foundation of your closest friendships, the relationship does not stand as good of a chance of actually lasting over time."

"Are you sure you don't want a cookie?"

"Will you forget the damn cookie?"

"I really think you would like the cookie."

*Rolls eyes* "Too often I have found people marry or date for the completely wrong reasons, and then when things go wrong, they just can't understand what happened, and what happened is that they didn't marry their best friend. They married something less than that. Maybe because the other person fit all of these other qualifications that they thought they wanted or needed that week - fat, thin, short, tall, sex, whatever. Granted, these are all things that one might look for in a partner, but they don't outline the basic fundamental ingredients of what they needed."

"It's like making a cookie with no sugar."

"God I pity the woman that ends up with you."

"She doesn't exist."

"What a waste of perfectly good cookie making abilities."

"No kidding."

"You often have emphasized the wrong things, in my opinion, in your pursuit of your next girlfriend. I will grant you that the dating pool sucks quite a bit and that the entire process can, at times, be completely disheartening. However, I think it's important that you keep your priorities in order during the course of your search, and at least form realistic ideas of the different women you will encounter."

"I'm not looking."

"Well then she will find you."

The Wrong Kind of Wrong

She had invited me to meet her for a drink. The thought hadn't seemed like an entirely good idea, as I wasn't sure I had any desire to ever see this person again. It's not that she is a bad person; I just didn't recall particularly enjoying her company, and I knew she wanted to get back together with me (if you can consider a week as "together"). I wasn't convinced that was a good idea. Besides, my day had also been particularly bad and it seemed that this activity could either make it a little bit better of monumentally worse.

So I went. Yes, I know that doesn't seem to make a lot of sense given my logical reasoning. However, I had to go. I had to go because no matter how much some of my friends seem to feel that I'm comfortable not being in a relationship, I'm really not and sometimes (particularly on really bad days) my desire to share my life with someone else becomes particularly heightened. Unfortunately, I'm never able to lower my standards or whore myself out for a drink or six.

I sat down and immediately felt uncomfortable. I didn't want to be there. I knew I didn't want to be there, but somehow I had to find a way to sit there and locate the words to explain to this person that I just wanted to be friends, except I didn't want to be friends. If I'm going to be friends with someone, I have to actually enjoy their company and care about what they think, say, and do. I didn't care about anything coming out of this woman's mouth. I desperately wanted to find a way to disappear - perhaps become invisible and slide out through the door. Maybe she would need to use the restroom and I would be gone before her return.

The more uncomfortable I became, the more I needed a drink because I needed to do something, anything to dull my complete sense of displeasure. It's these encounters more than anything that reaffirm to me exactly what and who I want, and have only the effect of depressing me further as I realize she is not there. Suddenly things become melancholy and a drink seems like the only logical solution (escape). It's also encounters like these that reaffirm to me my newest revelation - there is something worse than not dating anyone - dating the wrong person.

North Korea

Last week, I awoke to the sound of a news report explaining that North Korea had fueled a long range missile and that they may fire it at the United States. If you don't think that's enough to wake me up, you would be mistaken. My immediate thought, other than, should I really go to work given that World War III could be just around the corner was, why the hell isn't this a major news story - why is this the first I'm hearing about it and why haven't I heard about this before the actual fueling of the missile.

When we were gearing up the nation for the war on Iraq, I couldn't go anywhere without hearing people speculate about weapons of mass destruction (WMDs). Now we have a crazy guy with a long range missile, who has stated that he will fire it at the United States, and nothing. Nothing! Eventually, I found some news wires regarding the subject on the Internet, and I learned that our government was going to approach this situation with diplomacy. What?! Since when did we become advocates of diplomacy?

We attacked a country when we didn't even know if they had any weapons it could use against us, and now we want to practice the art of negotiation with a country led by a crazy guy that we are sure has nuclear weapons and that doesn't seem afraid to use them? How arbitrary and illogical is that? Then North Korea fired six or seven missiles the other day and what was the response? People talked about a resolution condemning the action. Are you kidding?

North Korea really has nothing to lose, as it has no real economy other than bombs. So really if it could start a war, business would be booming ... so to speak. The fact that we do not seem to be doing anything other than standing around saying, "Don't do that. Stop. No." seems absolutely crazy to me, given our track record of bombing people that we even suspect of having weapons that could kill us. This is not to say that we should go to war with them. I think war is an incredibly costly endeavor, both with respect to environmental, human, and monetary resources. We could probably get equally good or better results with aid and relief.

Yes, that may sound incredibly stupid - give the crazy bomb people money, the terrorists will have won. However, if the global community recognizes that in certain situations, providing relief to countries that have no real income source other than bomb making and arms trading is a less costly solution, we may actually save lives and money.

Change for Me

"I refuse to date another woman that I care about."

"Oh Jeez. You've lost your mind again. I warned you about doing that."

"I haven't lost my mind. I'm just tired of getting hurt. I think it's better to be with someone I just mildly enjoy than someone I actually love. I seem to perform much better in those relationships."

"You're not letting this one go are you?"

"I think women should all have that Fox Mulder poster hanging in their rooms - 'I Want To Believe'. They all seem to wander around desperately hoping that the man they have fallen for will somehow change, act differently, appreciate them more, stop hitting them, drink less, buy them flowers, spend more time with them, want to do the dishes, etc. Meanwhile the men they find that actually meet these qualifications, just 'aren't a good fit' or are 'too easy'."

"Wow. You even worked an X-Files reference into your theory. This is fantastic. You could become a monk."

"It has always been my experience that all the women I was terrible to stayed with me and kept expecting me to change - to commit to them and them alone, to see some bright spark burning in their eyes and the kind deeds they did and be convinced that I wanted to change and that they were the one for me all along."

"Yeah, but you were too busy pursuing women that didn't do these things, hoping they would see that 'rare spark burning in your eyes'. God, who writes your inner dialogue?"

"We want what we can't have?"

"We all want to feel appreciated and special. Think of the ramifications if a person actually changes for you. How would that make you feel other than God-like? A person totally changed who they were and what they were doing for you? That's such an ego-trip. However, by doing this you are placing your sense of self worth in the hands of another as you seek some intangible approval; some recognition that this person cares. You have somehow neglected to associate caring with a person that actually does all of those things that you wish someone would do. Instead, caring to you has become 'if they change then they love me'. Of course, if they actually change, you'll probably leave and if they don't change, you'll probably leave."

What are you saying?"

"You're no better than most other people out there, but you have one tremendous thing going for you."

"Hmmm?"

"You can change yourself."

I Love Rock and Roll

"What's your name?"

I had been people watching. For on a night such as this, in a place such as I was, that seemed like the right thing to do. (I probably should have brought my camera, but I often only think of such things in retrospect.) There was a competition where women were dancing in their bras to receive the most cheers. There appeared to be a plethora of college students coming back to their small hometown to show each other what they had learned at school. Oh and of course, there was the alcohol flowing, making everyone just a little looser than they already were upon their entry into the establishment.

The woman addressing me now was the second or third in the span of an hour, despite my best efforts to put on an air of aloofness. She had previously been getting more or less attacked by two men likely looking to engage in some sort of physical entertainment by the end of the night, but neither seemed to have found a way behind her defenses. As she caught my eye and uttered her very first words to me, I wondered if she realized she didn't have a chance, and that she would do better to return to her exciting simple times with the two other suitors.

It's not that she wasn't attractive. Clearly, she had earned the affections of a few already, and the boldness she showed in approaching me, asking for my name, and throwing out the line, "You're so attractive; you could be with anyone in here. Why are you standing here alone?" was alluring. However, my mind was elsewhere and my heart was entirely unmoved.

Changes in Technology

Growing up, technology made up an important part of my life. People wrote me computer programs for my birthdays when I was a child. I spent days inside a major game manufacturer's headquarters testing new, never before heard of video games, and helping them determine whether their toys were built for an appropriate age. At times, cases of video games were sent home for further testing and experimenting.

When I was in high school, I was even given a Sony stereo jacket before they were ever released onto the market. The concept was that the jacket had about five speakers wired within it and you plugged the main jack into your walkman. I don't think they ever caught on, but it was quite an interesting conversation piece.

Video and computer games were often particularly central themes to my youth, as I participated in the fairly common activity of playing them everyday with my friends. As I matured, much of the other technologies of my younger days were abandoned, owing to major lifestyle changes, but video games never fully left. Granted, I no longer had the latest and greatest systems, but I still played frequently in college.

When I finished law school, I suddenly could afford the newest and greatest game systems around, and immediately began to intelligently invest my hard earned money in such wonderful objects as XBox and Gamecube. My friends would come over, and we would play for hours. As my friends changed, however, I realized that the game systems began to do nothing but look really cool as they collected dust.

It was then I considered that perhaps my obsession with video games over the years was actually directly related to the social aspect involved with the moving dots on the glowing phosphorous screen. It seems unfortunate that I realized this only after having purchased the systems. Perhaps I should give them to someone who can truly appreciate their magic and mystery, or mayhaps I could sell them for some paltry amount to help subsidize my salsa lessons.

(Don't touch my iPod, though.)

Religious Impressions*

The thing that strikes me most oftentimes about religion is not so much its ability to aid and unify, but more its ability to divide. The more I seem to learn about religions, their origins and history, the more I find both fantastic stories of kindness and selflessness, as well as hurtful and ridiculous acts of meanness, all of which are committed in the name of religion.

These acts are not just historical in nature of course; one does not have to look to the Roman conquering of nations, the Crusades, or historical examples to find examples of religion causing fundamental breakdowns in relationships and interactions of people. In fact, I think one would really only need attend my church on any given Sunday to see just how truly charitable and nurturing some religious folks can be.

One does not have to look far to see the church's involvement with political parties - the politicizing of religion - as they lobby for the politician to be placed in office that shares in that religion's beliefs and will strive to make its traditions law. One cannot help but notice the role religion plays both in the strengthening, but also the breakdown of a relationship or a marriage upon the divergence of one of the partner's beliefs. (Many evangelists would argue that this type of breakdown should not be viewed as a breakdown at all but merely a higher power taking a role in unyoking one person from another who is not more evenly matched spiritually.) Religion can also be a major factor in thwarting the relationship between a parent and child, when their views diverge and one is not able or willing to accept, and treat with equality, the other person's beliefs.

Religion can lift and strengthen some who are coping with debilitating conditions or addictions that they feel powerless to overcome on their own. However, religion can sometimes render a person sufficiently immobile and incapable of walking away from a flawed relationship or the like. (While many will preach the importance of what the Bible says about leaving such relationships, from my experience, the actual grief and fear that grips these people in such times of trouble is merely compounded by the religious doctrine that has been fostered in them, and often helps to render them hostage in a failed and damaging relationship.) So while at times religion has wonderfully positive effects on people in their development and changing, it can also have severe adverse effects on people in their development and changing - making issues that are already difficult to deal with easier or even harder.

To me religion offers promise and hope, and has the potential of lifting people from depths of despair and suffering. However, it also has the power to inflict just as much damage. It is often a question of how it is used and interpreted. Given that religion holds such awesome power, it seems almost scary that it rests in the hands of so many ordinary people.

*(These thoughts are not fully developed.)

The Wreck

While I was in Nashville, I spent quite a bit of my time in museums and the like. It made me wish my city had more culture and arts to explore.

The above is a painting by Frederick Church that is housed in the Nashville Parthenon. I could not photograph it, as photography of all the exhibits in the Parthenon, save for the very large 42' image of Athena at the very end of the tour, is strictly prohibited. I managed to find this image of it on the Web somewhere about a month ago and have been waiting to get some more space in my flickr account so that I could upload it. This digital image, however, does not even come close to doing the painting justice.

I Can't Dance

"How was it?"

"Terrible. Tragic really."

"Was it like puppies dying?"

"Ok, I guess it could have been worse."

I used to date a girl that had been dancing her entire life. The girl could move on the dance floor. She would often undertake the Herculean task of trying to educate me as to where my feet were supposed to go next, and I just could not come to terms with the knowledge she was attempting to impart.

Our lessons were usually entirely unproductive, as I would leave them feeling just about as terrible as when I had begun them. However, if we started dancing and just fooling around, I could suddenly move, as though I was channeling ... well not Fred Astaire but still someone much better than the me that took lessons. My partner would accuse me of practicing since the last lesson, but I hadn't. I hadn't done a darn thing except unsuccessfully try and forget the event had ever happened.

"This reminds me of when you would try to conduct in front of the class and suddenly every single skill that you had, instantly left you."

I instantly flashed back to those terrible classes. My friend and I had identical conducting techniques. The difference, however, was that he had more practice conducting in front of people, and I had more practice conducting to my imaginary orchestra. One of the best conductors in the country saw him conducting one day, and offered to tutor him privately. People saw me conduct and asked me if they should maybe call a doctor.

One day, my then conducting instructor saw me just practicing - believing that I was unobserved. He immediately chastised me for not conducting like that in class and I instantly felt terrible.

Something happened during the course of my life. Perhaps it relates to the fact that I was constantly told by my ever so loving father, in a myriad of forms, that I was a terrible uncoordinated klutz. It certainly helped to always make me question whether I was ever doing anything right and made me extremely self-conscious. There is also the possibility that never actually having many people in my age group to socialize with - given that the population of children my own age in my home town was approximately four, and I was rarely allowed to really spend time with any of them - affected my development, as I didn't get to practice a lot of these very theoretical and expressive things on actual people.

Whatever the reasons for it, I used to get extremely nervous when expressing my artistic side to the masses. Over time, this condition has lessened quite a bit, but as my first salsa lesson clearly illustrated to me last night, it has not completely left me.

Interior Decorating

I love the movie Phenomenon. I really feel it has a tremendous amount of interesting points and ideas swirling within it that really deserve some time and attention, and somehow, the writer found an immensely entertaining way to present all of these things.

Lots of people that are familiar with the movie might focus on the ideas that it expresses about the possibility that human beings can harness supernatural powers, or focus on what the movie implies about savoring and enjoying love and life even when it might be very fleeting, or what it says about our society, in general. However, one of my favorite scenes actually just involves furniture ... so to speak.

The hero of the movie is an auto mechanic named George, and lots of things happen to George as the story unfolds, but none of them are terribly important to this post. The one thing that does happen to him that should be mentioned here is that he falls in love with a woman named Lisa.

Lisa is a single mom struggling to make ends meet, and in an effort to earn a little cash on the side, she makes these chairs, and sells them outside of George's garage. Lisa happens to like making the chairs. She likes to consider herself crafty and artistic. Every day she drops off chairs and every day, they just keep flying off the shelves - she just can't seem to make them fast enough, and it pleases her so much that people are enjoying and appreciating her work.

Eventually, we learn that the only person buying all of these chairs is George because he knows she needs the money but more because he knows how important it is to her and how it makes her smile, and by taking just a little time, and putting forth a little effort he is trying to support her dream.

Banes: [speaking about George's transformation] He never really changed at all. Isn't that right Doc? I mean he never really got any smarter. Doc?

Doc: Banes... how's your lady love?

Banes: We... um... we broke up.

Doc: Really? That's too bad, yeah. Now George has a love at his side and she is sticking with him. You know why? Because he bought her chairs. That's pretty smart to me. You ever buy Lisa's chairs?'

Banes: Doc's real drunk tonight.

Doc: Every woman has her chair, something she needs to put herself into, Banes. You ever figure out what Lisa's chairs were and buy 'em?

[pause]

Doc: Nope.

I once had a girl ask me why I was taking the time to learn things that were important to her. My only real answer is that everyone should try and take the time to learn and understand the things that are most important to the people that we love. For it is through this exploration that we not only gain a keener sense of the other person, but also learn how to better support and encourage their dreams. Finally, if the person is not important enough to merit your time, support, and encouragement, they may not be aware of how much you value, respect, and love them. That and I just so happen to like to sit a lot.

And The Lord Said ...

On the weekends, I usually wake up to the sounds of NPR. I am not particularly fond of the NPR stations I have to choose from down here. When I was visiting my friends in North Carolina, I found that they had an NPR station with a 24 hour news and talk program format. Whereas, mine mostly consist of classical and world music programming, even on the weekends. I was aghast when I first tuned into NPR down here and learned of this, but have lived here so long that I had almost forgotten that it could be any other way.

On Sunday mornings, I usually hear parts of a program called Speaking of Faith. Leave it to Public Radio to develop a religious program that isn't usually too evangelical. Every now and again, I hear something I really like and am instantly glad that I tuned in, even if I am rather tired and wish I could fall back to sleep.

This weekend, Rabbi Sandy Sasso was being interviewed. She actually had several very interesting things to say regarding the selection of a religion and how one should introduce their children to religions in general. The thing that struck me the most was when she explained how similar all religions are in their attempt to answer certain central questions, like "Why are we here?" and "What happens when we die?" She then coherently articulated something I had been trying to convey for months - "Religion is the language that we use to express our spirituality."

Bottled Up

"I don't understand why you're uncomfortable around her."

I couldn't believe she didn't understand. She had taken an entire day explaining to me why she didn't approve of this woman's marriage and how she wanted to break her up with her husband because they just were not right for each other, and now she couldn't understand why I felt awkward and weird around these people. Every time I was with them, all I could think about was all of the horrible things she had told me about their relationship, and it's not like they knew she felt this way. As far as they were concerned, everyone was happy and having a great time so why the hell was I acting weird.

If I think something about someone, chances are I'm going to tell them. It has something to do with my inability to be fake with people. Fake bothers me. I know some people that do this often, though. People whose actions do not correspond to their feelings.

"Oh, yeah I think she's weird. She reminds me of a completely socially inept person that doesn't get away from their computer." However, when she speaks to this "inept" person, it's all smiles and friendly "hellos". This gives me doubt. What the hell does this person say about me when I'm not around? And what the hell is the point of going out of your way to socialize with people you don't actually like?

Growing up, I had a lot of things I had to keep to myself. Secrets were the rule of order in my family. Lots and lots of them. As a result, I now keep very few secrets. It's not that I cannot keep them. It's actually pretty easy for me to keep them, as I was trained for years to do so. If someone tells me something and asks me not to tell anyone, which seems to happen an awful lot, I won't say anything. However, when it comes to my own secrets, I'm far more willing to give those away, as keeping them triggers an emotion that reminds me of a past that I would rather forget. (I also am really not ashamed to express how I feel about things.)

It's more than that when it comes to my friends. If I think something about one of them, I'm going to tell them to their face, and not behind their back because I would rather they heard what I had to say from me directly, and not through some third party or a blog. Sure this may lead to a fight or an argument, and many times, I've had to bite my tongue and really evaluate whether it was my place to say anything at all, and if so, how I was going to say it. However, more often than not, if I find myself needing to talk about it with others, chances are it's important enough for me to bring up to the friend. Not because I need them to agree with me, but just so that they know where I stand. It is, as so many things are, a delicate balance.

Intelligence is Hot

Women just do not seem to understand how sexy smart is. Sure you can go out half dressed and show off some skin or adorn yourself in the clothes that tighten and cling in just the right places, more or less revealing what you look like without them on at all, and drawing the gazer's attention to the areas you want his nights and dreams to be consumed with. However, that beauty is always, truly only skin deep.

Sophistication and intelligence are hot and far less transient. If you have those two things and you can own them, your perceived sexiness quotient has just increased five times over. Granted, beauty is relative, and once you start multiplying by factors of five, large dichotomies emerge. However, it doesn't change the validity of the point.

The fact that she just raised a valid argument and made me question my reasoning on something; the fact that the discussion was mildly stimulating or a challenge at all; the fact that she knew that obscure reference and could capitalize on it; or the fact that she knew where she would end up if she were to burrow through the Earth, starting in Ohio (of course) is hot.

Guys love smart women. That's why Van Halen had it bad for teacher, or why the sexy librarian can turn heads. Sure these women have physical allure as well. There's no denying that, but the power of a smart women can never be underestimated. For while the women that thrill with their looks are intriguing, I'm likely to see fifty more of those within a week. The woman that thrills me with her mind, will capture my attention for years to come.

How Sweet

"You're just too nice." She said this as an admonishment, and with pain and distress in her voice. "You often come off, in the beginning with the veneer of mean and uncaring, but it really is just a thin veil."

A look of confusion quickly spread across his face. "I thought that's what people looked for in a relationship."

"They do. They do. I do ... or did. You just don't understand. Most women start out looking for that nice guy, that good guy. The one that we are repeatedly told is out there for us. After many false starts and lots of pain, some of us unconsciously give up in believing that he exists and no longer know what to do with him if we ever find him. Sure I could trust you, and I probably should trust you. I've known you for a while and I know the type of man you are. I just don't know how and I'm too afraid to learn. I told you, 'I have issues,' but they aren't your issues. They're mine."

"I'm really not that nice."

A snort of disbelief and dismissal followed with, "You're nicer than you'll know."

He saw the dots connecting but just couldn't believe the picture they were forming. This was so.... "You're telling me that you could never date me because I'm too nice?" This probably would have been more disconcerting information if he hadn't heard it before.

"If I dated you, I would hurt you. I wouldn't want to hurt you. I care about you tremendously. I think you're one of the most amazing guys I have ever met. I just have no way of being able to overcome myself."

"Good times."

Her mirthful laugh was quickly replaced by earnestness. "The thing that concerns me most with you is that there really aren't a lot of nice people out there, from my experience. I really wish you would be meaner. I wonder what impact others will have on you over the years. I would like to think that you will always stay this amazing guy that is so nice and sweet, but I don't envision it occurring. Already you have that cool aloof front that you put out there. I wonder who got you to erect that barrier. I worry that others' issues will cause you to have more of your own, as that's what happened to me."

She really could have cried.

Mark of the Beast

I have been fairly terrible about blogging during the week. It's tragic, as I know you all wait with great anticipation for me to publish whatever meaningless drivel I might have for the day. I have been good about posting. It's just that almost all of it occurs over the weekend - when I actually have time to collect my thoughts and commit them to virtual paper. However, there have been a few events that have not made it into any posts, as none of them really seem to have what it takes to make it. For example, here's a little something for all you religion buffs.

You know that whole June 6, 2006 end of the world thing? Well according to religious scholars "666" is not the mark of the beast; "616" is. So apparently, if the world was going to end on any day this year, given the recent apocalyptic logic, it would have ended five days before these folks thought. I imagine that to be a truly terrible way to go. Here you are totally convinced that the world is going to end on Saturday, getting all of your affairs in order, planning what to do on that very last day, and poof - you and the rest of creation dies on Monday. That's tough.

Blogging Inspiration

My best friend from college finally started a blog. To make it even better, she gave me credit for being the reason that she started blogging. *sniffle* I've inspired someone.

She actually started it a few weeks ago, but I wasn't sure if I should post about it yet because 1) I wasn't sure if she'd keep posting and 2) because I wasn't sure if I was allowed to announce to the world that she had a blog. But she did and I am. And, no, I'm not just posting about it to brag about being the sole inspiration for someone else to start a blog. (Alright, that may be overkill. She never said I was the *sole* reason, but then again, she never said that I wasn't.) I'm actually posting about it because you might like reading it. I know I do.

Miscellaneous Activities

I bought a portable 60GB hard drive. I had been wanting one for a while and it was on sale. It's so impressive. It's smaller and lighter than many paperback books that I own. I considered buying something with more storage space, but they weren't on sale and I figured with the rapidly changing technology market, there will be something even better in a couple of years.

On Saturday night, I went to a club that was quite an experience. My friends wanted to go to this singles bar. They said it was always an entertaining show. I have to say that you haven't lived until you've seen sixty year old men and women trying to get their game on. There were the young women looking for their sugar daddies, the older women looking for something younger, and just a lot of men looking to score with whatever happened to be available. My particular favorite was this guy that had to be at least sixty, dancing with any woman that passed within 20 feet of his general direction. I don't think I've ever laughed that hard for that long in a good while.

I went to a seminar last week and learned that home foreclosures are on the rise (especially in major Texas cities like Dallas and Houston). This could be good news for first time home buyers in places like South Florida as they may actually be able to afford a home at a distressed sale, but good luck affording our ever increasing insurance prices.

It seems that practically every guy in my church classes was either in prison, a drug addict or both. I am really not sure what that says. It can often be just a wee bit unnerving, however.

Owning It

"Maybe we just shouldn't be friends."

The statement hung there in the still night air.

You could see the pain and anger spread across her face. How dare I say something like that? How dare I trivialize our friendship and use it as a bargaining chip in this debate? What the hell was wrong with me and why did I keep doing this? Sure the first time it had some shock value, but after the fourth or fifth time, it now only had the effect of angering her. But I wouldn't be dissuaded; I wasn't going to be tied to anyone that didn't act in accordance with my set of norms.

It wasn't until years later that I realized that it had been easier for me to distance myself from people than actually form relationships. It was the trick of my mind; I needed to be able to justify my reasoning for not wanting to be around the person so that I didn't have any internal conflict later. "They just couldn't handle being friends with me." It was easier to distance myself from the people that I cared about the most, as I had no reason to believe in the permanence of a relationship of any kind and spent so much of my time wondering when the person was going to leave. I was preemptive in nature. Everything in a relationship was a negotiation or a debate and nothing mattered more than achieving my desired outcome.

It was also my desperate need to control. The co-dependence had crept in before I even knew it. I needed to fix things. I needed to show people the err of their ways, but not in any manner that could possibly be considered healthy. Instead, I would use the friendship at the drop of the hat and not as a last resort; something reserved for that point where the person had so betrayed me that I could never trust them again. Besides, focusing on others gave me a diversion from focusing on myself.

"Let me take you to dinner."

Why was she taking me dinner? What did she want? I knew this game; no one does anything without expecting something in return. It was more than I could handle that someone just might want to do something nice for me just because we were friends. I wouldn't even be able to say "thank you", too frozen with confusion and embarrassment. I could take all the abuse in the world, I had grown up with it, but someone was actually nice to me and I immediately felt inadequate, undeserving, and really nervous. Receiving was never comforting for me because I always was wondering where the next hit was coming from. I could not relax in the moment. It was a tremendous internal conflict, in retrospect, as I desperately wanted that closeness and nearness of a relationship, but I couldn't actually experience it.

"Yeah ... I remember those days. I really didn't like them very much. I'm glad that you figured all of that stuff out."

"Yes, but it took years of therapy. If you had come to me back then and told me all of this, I would have argued with you and never would have believed you."

Note: This post is not meant to trivialize anyone's battle with any issue they may be facing. It's not even meant to encapsulate my entire journey or explain all of the underlying factors that I found to be contributing to my issues. Everyone is affected and impacted by things differently and one person's journey will not necessarily be another's. The most important aspect of the entire thing is starting it and trying to never be dissuaded from your ultimate goal.

"Be kinder than necessary, for everyone you meet is fighting some kind of battle."

State of My Blog

Several days ago someone posted an anonymous comment on my blog, which I subsequently deleted. Not because it was negative. In fact, this one was relatively nice, which is unusual from the land of anonymous. I deleted it because no matter how nice an anonymous comment is, it still annoys me that the person wouldn't even put their name down.

However, as I thought about it, there was something familiar about this comment. It inspired me to look through my blogger log and what I discovered led to the following discussion:

"What do you mean she's still reading your blog? I thought she hated you and never wanted to speak to you again."

"I guess her hatred for me only extended to my physical form - not the virtual."

"Well what are you going to do?"

"I don't know. I could move it or end it. I'm really conflicted about it. I have nothing against her, other than the fact that she totally abandoned our friendship ... frequently."

"She was very nice but she hurt you a lot, on a regular basis. It got to the point where it no longer was a question of 'if' but 'when'."

"Yeah, but in a good way."

*starring at me*

"Alright, she had her bad points, but she also inspired me without ever really knowing it. I'm not even sure how she did it exactly. Every day, the thing that I most looked forward to was our impending three hour conversation, which was sure to occur that night, in which I would hear all about her day and she would hear all about mine and we would pick on each other like 5 year olds. (Some would say 10, but I don't think we were ever that mature.) Somehow this helped me orient my thoughts, made me feel better, and inspired me to wake up the next day and do it all over again. My thoughts flowed freely. So many posts on my blog are owing to her - not because they relate to her but because she somehow inspired me to write them. Even if it was only by sometimes saying, 'You need to update your blog'. 'She'll bring out the best and the worst you can be.'"

"I think I'm going to be sick."

"Does that mean you don't want your fries?"

"Stay away from my fries, bitch."

"So I'm conflicted. I bear her no ill will, but at the same time, she left. She said, "Good luck" and never spoke to me again. I can't see why she would still be reading my blog and I don't see why she should be entitled to keep up with my life."

"Maybe she's curious. I'm sure you are curious about how she is. I mean, you clearly miss her, for some unimaginable reason."

"Right, but that's the point - it doesn't seem fair that she gets to walk away from me and still keep up on my life and I don't get to know anything about hers."

"It doesn't seem fair that we're having this conversation.... I suppose she always was a rather private person. Perhaps it's almost a perfect dream for her."

"You're really going to eat all your fries aren't you?"

Back for More

"So let me get this straight. This guy beat you, cheated on you with at least two women, is constantly critical of you and making you feel self-conscious, and you are worried about whether or not you look good enough to keep him?"

"When you put it that way, it sounds ridiculous."

"It is ridiculous. Have you ever considered going back out with your ex?" (He was arguably the nicest guy this girl ever dated, and from all accounts, was pretty attractive.)

"I couldn't date him again. And you know the really messed up thing?"

"There's more?"

"As jealous as I am, I really hope he meets someone because he deserves better. He's such a great guy."

"I think you've lost your mind. You're telling me you gave up the really nice attractive guy for the drug addict abusive cheating guy that treats you like crap? How the hell does that make any sense?"

"I'm hoping he'll change."

"Co-dependent."

"Shut up. My therapist said the same thing, but I'm over that now." Proof positive that therapy only works when you own up to yourself.

Odds and Ends

I had been looking for a solution to my dirty floor problem. The general problem was that I do not have enough floors that require mopping for me to pull out a mop and bucket, but I would still like to clean them - and not with a paper towel and spray bottle. The women in the room immediately suggested that I purchase a Swiffer Wet Jet. (I ended up getting it for half price through a series of interesting events.) I have to say that I absolutely love it.

I bought some storm preparation gear this weekend. Preparing for hurricanes is not the cheapest thing in the world, but we have a brief sales tax holiday for storm supplies in effect and I wanted to get them before the period expires. I'm not sure if I really *need* the supplies, as I will likely leave either immediately before or immediately after if we get hit, but better safe than sorry, in my humble opinion.

My neighbor wanted to go out with me last night. We were just going to go out and get a few drinks. Then I got this bizarre phone call from her. She wanted to coordinate plans, but felt the need to tell me some weird drama she had going on with an ex that is living with her. (I had known about the ex living with her, as I had seen her the week before and she explained that he had moved down to Florida for a woman and she dumped him. I thought that only happened to my misguided female friends.) I guess somehow her entire CD collection had gone "missing". How weird. In any event, she still wanted to go out, and was going to take a shower and we'd leave. I never heard from her again, and I don't think her car has moved all day. Hopefully, she's alive.

I write a lot. My friend used to be amazed at the amount I wrote in my blog. (Actually, she was fairly critical of it, but we just had different priorities - she cleaned more and I wrote more.) If she only knew how much of what I write never makes it anywhere but into journals, unsent emails, and letters. I think I am finally ready to buy that electronic journal that I blogged about so long ago. I keep trying to keep a paper journal, but it ends up spanning three different journals, as I just start writing in whatever I have handy at the time.

I am still studying religion, and I have to say the more books I read by academics, the more angry I become with my church and its classes. There are so many just blatant lies being taught in the classes. (Today, I was reading about the Dead Sea Scrolls.) I try not to talk about it too much on this blog because I do not want to turn this blog into a forum on religion. However, it is something that I am constantly thinking about and considering.

I may be volunteering with a Guardian ad Litem program down here - representing children and their rights. I did something very similar to this when I was still in law school, and I helped write the brief in a class action lawsuit against the State of Florida.

The Series Finale of Will & Grace really just annoyed the heck out of me.

There they had been best friends, told each other everything, and shared in each other's lives. Then all of a sudden, one day, they never speak again, for years. Even after they finally start speaking to one another again - wholly owing to the interference of Jack and Karen, they still don't make time for one another until their children are in college. How ridiculous is that?

In the age of emails and blogs, it would seem that the least they could have done was create a blog and let the other "accidentally" find out about it so that they would not have had to feel abandoned.

You Look Good in Blue

The public education system in Florida is fairly terrible. Other than a major university or two, our schools are in a very lack luster condition, which is only compounded by the mismanagement of our elected officials.

Back in late April, teachers in a few Florida counties, protested the state of our public education system by wearing blue. They are not allowed to strike, so I imagine this somehow seemed like the next logical alternative to them.

During the course of all of this, I went to see my little brother at his elementary school. We often play around in some classroom that reminds me of my youth. Not necessarily by choice, but more because one does not find many rooms in an elementary school that won't remind them of their youth. It was during this trip that I mentally drafted this post.

I stared about the room.

"A noun is a person, place or thing." Somewhere in that classroom, everyday, a future writer learned who Benjamin Franklin was; learned what Congress is; learned what The Cat in the Hat is; and, learned what Europe is. Someone learned about putting these objects into action with crazy things called "verbs", how to describe the actions with "adverbs", and how to describe the nouns involved with wonderful creations we like to call "adjectives". They were learning how to string these items together to construct sentences, and learning to apply these difficult concepts through interacting with one another. In short, they were being given the gifts and talants that they might one day use to write the next great American classic, speak to an auditorium filled with expectant fans, write a brief to the court, or just simply profess their love to the person that inspires them.

There were the pictures of American currency, a quarter, a dime, a nickel, and a penny. Everyday, children were being educated about the item that underlies so much of our society, and in the process, were also learning how to count, add, subtract, and divide. They were obtaining the skills that many of them will use to one day balance their checkbooks, create their budgets, and maybe, just maybe, balance our national budget.

The items strewn about the classroom were anything but random. They involved countless hours of thought by the person at the front of the room, as they tried to imagine what would be inspirational, what would help their students learn, what would make them not only succeed but excel. Meanwhile, balancing these thoughts with the pragmatic question of, "What can I actually afford on this budget?", and many of them deciding that budget or no budget, these items needed to be obtained, spending money out of their own wallets to create a learning environment for our children.

These nouns at the front of the room do not only impart knowledge, but help to shape the future of our culture and world. However, they remain wholly underappreciated in our society. As they spend the money from their own pockets, and give of their own time for these children, we ignore it. We keep them at the bottom of the pay scale because, after all, they're just nouns. However, these nouns hold some of the greatest hope for our society as a whole, as they shape young minds everyday. Young minds, which will one day shape our society, our social security administration, our tax system, our foreign policy, and our domestic policy. They shape the people that we will rely on to keep us safe, to process our money, to feed us, and to serve us.

To remind us of our underappreciation, some Florida teachers wore blue this week. Blue to remind us that they make a difference. Blue to remind us that they are important. Blue to remind us that the service that they provide will have a long and unimaginable impact on our society for years to come. Reminding us that they perform this thankless job, and give of themselves, everyday for practically nothing out of a sense of duty. If only there was more of that sense of duty throughout our country. However, how can there be when the very people being shaped and molded are educated by other nouns that these amazing duty bound people don't even deserve a decent salary; how can we inspire more people with this sense of duty when we do not reward the ones we have?

This week, some of the most important nouns in our society wore an adjective to remind us of our verbs.

Bulletproof

"I think she likes you."

"Probably."

"I think I could have just gotten the same amount of enthusiasm out of you if I had said she didn't like you."

"Probably."

"Oh, jeez. So what's wrong with this one?"

"I'm just not feeling it."

"You're too damn picky."

"Probably."

"So what exactly *are* you looking for?"

"I want someone that interests me, intellectually as well as physically. All of these women are very pretty and very nice, but they open their mouths and it's pretty much over. I want to be with someone I actually like talking to and spending time with; not in a relationship where I feel like it's a chore to communicate with the other person - something thrust upon me out of some sort of duty, or a necessary step to achieve an objective. Too often I hear people complaining about having to do this or that with their significant other. Heck, I've been one of those people. However, I want to be with someone that I enjoy being with, not with someone that I spend time with out of some bizarre sense of obligation. To be with someone that actually makes me enjoy being nice, romantic, and funny. Someone that understands me and who I understand fairly well, and someone who I love more than she loves me."

"Is that all?"

"Well if you could make here fairly attractive, that would be nice as well."

"So have you spoken to her?"

"No. I suppose it makes sense. When Darcy professes his feelings for Lizzy and she rejects him, he doesn't just hang around. He knew that was a fool's game, and nothing good would come of it."

"Oh, you've been reading again haven't you?

"Every now and again."

"I'm not sure you should go comparing yourself to Darcy. He was cold and reserved."

"Yeah, he generally wouldn't care if some silly woman liked him or if he had to leave her side upon her rejection. It wouldn't affect him at all because he just didn't care."

*blink*

"Well met, Mr. Darcy."

One More for the Road

This was one of my favorite pictures from my trip.

My Secret Identity

Your results:
You are Superman


You are mild-mannered, good,
strong and you love to help others.

Superman 100% Spider-Man 95% Green Lantern 85% The Flash 80% Batman 70% Wonder Woman 55% Robin 50% Supergirl 50% Iron Man 50% Hulk 35% Catwoman 30%

Click here to take the Superhero Personality Test

The Vice President Stole the Show

"You're married?!"

"Yeah, but it's ok. My wife doesn't have a problem with me talking to other women."

"You just asked me out on a date."

Clearly, he didn't see a problem with this either. Perhaps it was the alcohol or perhaps there was just something special about the night, we may never know, but things just kept getting better. The next logical thing to do, it seemed to him, was to have these women call his wife. The look on the girls' faces when one of this gentleman's children (likely not more than six) answered the phone was positively priceless and only slightly less amusing than the look on the man's face when his wife hung up on him.

The best thing about guys like that, is I look absolutely fantastic when compared to them, and suddenly I had the attention and affection of not less than four women, and a great story to blog about the next day.

He later tried to explain himself, as the entire female population of the room turned on him (word travels fast). I don't think he saw it coming before it was already upon him, but the greatest part was how incredulous he was that these women could possibly be annoyed with him.

"You have to understand what I do."

"Oh, we understand."

"No. I network. It's my job to meet people and make connections. It's all in the job description."

This guy was awesome. He had absolutely no moral compass, or if he did, it surely was not kicking in that night. The funny part was, I could still tell that there were at least a couple of women there thinking, maybe I'll call him later.

(Note: He's a Vice President for financial planning firm.)

Googling Relationships

I keep thinking about how Blogger could be even better. Don't get me wrong, I really like Bogger. In fact, I pretty much like anything and everything Google, as their free services often exceed any pay for service. For example, I like Google Calendar. I like that you can create multiple calendars under the same account, select which ones you want to view at once, how each one can be color coded, and how they can all overlay one another, for seamless integration. I like how people can share their calendars with one another and how those calendars can also be overlaid with your own. It makes scheduling and coordinating so much easier.

I love gmail. I love how its chat seamlessly integrates with the inbox, and how all of the messages relating to a particular subject are grouped together, negating the necessity of me having to hunt through my inbox and sent items folder trying to find the part of the dialogue that said something. I love how you can search your mail so quickly, and how you can set up specific rules for what you want to have happen with your incoming mails. For example, you can specify that if a particular person sends you an email, you want to be notified on your cell phone. I love that it automatically tells you when you have a new message in your inbox, without requiring you to click refresh, and that it integrates with the Google Calendar.

However, I still have several items that I feel could stand to be improved. For example, I would like Google Calendar to more seamlessly integrate with Gmail, and be able to send out particular emails on set dates. For example, if I have an anniversary on my Calendar, I would like Google Calendar to send out a Happy [insert celebratory thing here] to whomever on that date. I would like Blogger to have sorting categories, better email comment notifications (telling me which post a comment relates to), and I would like to see Google search added to every blog - so that people can search through their blogs more easily. I think it would also be nice to be able to browse through blogs based on geographic locations, interests, and the like.

The funny part is that I expect all of this from Google because it's always been so amazing. They set this high benchmark, and then they start making me expect it. This happens to me with people sometimes. You expect people to act in a particular way, to fulfill a certain role in your life. It's not a spoken thing, oftentimes. It's just an arrangement that has been arrived at over time. You know one another and you know what to expect from that person. Almost like a social contract. If one of you decides to change the rules of that relationship, there's a breach of contract and potential consequences. Will the relationship continue? Can you accept the change?

Sometimes the contract that we've created becomes inconvenient for us. Perhaps the person no longer likes being held to such a high standard or, as often happens with me, perhaps the person that relies on you for your honesty, no longer welcomes your honesty on a particular subject. It becomes a cost benefit analysis of is breaking this arrangement worth the potential consequences I will be exposed to.

North Carolina

North Carolina was different from Tennessee for a number of reasons. The most obvious was that I was no longer staying with someone that made me feel incredibly uncomfortable, and was instead staying with someone that I've been friends with for years. She was one of the countless people that used to let me practice my three hour massages on them, but she was also one of the only people that I felt comfortable enough with to use lotions and oils, and explore the art of a quality foot massage. I wouldn't be half as good as I am today without her ... well her, and the dance line, the cheerleaders, and all of the other women I gave random massages to.

I spent a good portion of my trip cooking. This may sound like a very odd thing to do while on vacation. However, it is one of the best ways for me to relax and feel like I'm contributing when I'm in a strange place. Some places I go to, I never feel this desire; this is generally owing to the fact that other people are always cooking around me and I am merely sharing in the fruits of their culinary labors.

However, cooking was not the extent of my activities while in North Carolina. I met cool people, had interesting religious discussions, went to a botanical garden, climbed 200 feet vertical along a nature trail and avoided the black snake on the other side, down the mountain. I sampled local beers and flavors, and met some really cute graduate students, as well as undergraduates. I must say that the cutest girl I met while there was a graduate student, but the cutest girl I saw was an undergraduate. I imagine the latter's exceptional good looks would have lasted until the liquor wore off or she opened her mouth, but I will never know.

The town I was in, Chapel Hill, is really quite a college town. So the population was waning by the time I got there, as most of the classes had finished. This made for fewer wild nights partying, but it also made for much smaller lines. It's give and take. I did find it to be a very cool place to visit, though, and the street system seemed to make a bit more sense than Nashville's.

Overall, it was a great trip and I made it through another year without any serious bodily injury.

It's in the Approach

"Wait. Isn't he the one that beat you?"

"Well, it wasn't that bad."

"Your friends had to call the police on him. He wouldn't stop hitting you. There was blood everywhere. He went to jail for it."

"Yeah, but he says he's changed."

"It's been a month."

It was at this point in the conversation that I realized I really just need to change my approach.

In my dating career, I have had a girlfriend or two leave me for someone else that ended up cheating on them or for a guy that ended up being abusive (sometimes an ex). I have watched numerous female friends fall into this trap with the guy that they are desperately trying to change, some intangible hope that things will be different. The most troublesome aspect of this for me has always been that the relationships these women have with these other guys last longer than the ones I experience with them. Somehow, I do not merit the time or energy that this other guy that treats them like crap warrants.

It also occurred to me that the less I care about a woman in a relationship, the longer they hang around. The more they seem intrigued and the more they want to "understand me", which makes sense given that I don't even care about them enough to let them get that close to me. However, the contradiction seems to be that if I am actually the guy that they seem to want me to be, the more likely they are to leave me.

Perhaps all those years I spent in therapy in hopes that I could avoid becoming my father were a waste, and I should have embraced his hostility towards women, as this seems to be the most alluring scent to a woman. Alas, it is too late to second guess such things. I am who I am, and I'd much rather be single for the remainder of my days than be in such a lasting dysfunctional relationship.

Tennessee v. North Carolina

The first segment of my trip is complete and I am now residing in the luscious green scapes that make up Chapel Hill, North Carolina. Somewhere during the course of this trip, I will celebrate a birthday too. I only hope that I am awake enough to enjoy it, but also capable of forgetting it if things go badly.

Nashville, was fun. My accommodations probably could have been better, as I was staying with a friend that makes me feel uncomfortable. I spent most of the time worrying about whether I was annoying her or if she was going to get mad at me for doing something like making her dinner. She's complicated that way. So it is somewhat of a relief to now be in North Carolina and with friends that I am more comfortable with. I also didn't really get to spend a lot of time actually catching up with her in any meaningful way so it helped to make me feel like more of a stranger in her house than a friend. However, I did get to see my best friend from Memphis, and we had fun.

I went to a bar that has over 200 beers on tap. I went to a couple museums, walked around a hell of a lot, got some reading done (by coincidence, I happen to be reading a religion book written by a UNC professor), visited Vanderbilt, went to a zoo, took lots of pictures, and really explored Nashville quite a bit. I have to say that I liked the city in a lot of ways, but I couldn't say that I really felt comfortable there. That may have had something to do with my aforementioned guest accommodations, or it may have had to do with the city itself. It's hard to gauge after only a few days there, but it didn't really feel like home, which is why when my friend said that her firm would likely hire me to replace her (as she is moving) if I wanted the job, I declined.

This was a very bold thing for me to say, as I have felt like I wanted to live in Nashville for years now, but I had never been there. Visiting for the first time, and being offered the very real chance of obtaining a good job there as well were fully unexpected events. However, I just wasn't feeling it, and the one thing I have learned over the years is sometimes you just have to go with your gut and all the rest be damned. I prefer not to have to make such snap decisions, but when confronted with these situations, my gut is my go to move. Hmmm, or perhaps I'm just hungry a lot.

Impending Absence

For those of you playing at home, I will be leaving this Friday for the green pastures and country line dancing that make up Nashville, Tennessee. (How can one not go to the city that has a life size replica of the Parthenon?) However, this infusion of country and western shall be short lived, as I quickly leave for North Carolina, and finally return a little over a week later to the sunshine, palm trees, and overpriced real estate of Florida.

I think I have pre-paid for practically everything logistical. Airport parking is ridiculously expensive, even offsite, but I suppose $50 is a small price to pay for the convenience of actually being able to get in my car when I step off the plane, and I think I have everything in place for my trip - other than someone to water my plants - poor plants.

Depending on my ability to budget my time, and my access to a computer in my various ports of call, you may or may not notice any difference in the frequency of my posts. However, the content of the posts themselves might be a little different. I might even be forced to insert a "yee-haw" now and again, but I make no promises. Additionally, I may even have new pictures to post to my flickr account *gasp*. Yes, yes, I see the astonishment spreading across your faces.

See that - it only took two years for me to finally plan and go on a vacation, but I'm going darn it. I am still disappointed that I am not going to Europe or Colombia. I wish things had worked out differently and the people I had planned on going with to Europe had been able to go with me, or that all of the nay sayers didn't sway my determination of visiting the drug runner infested land in South America. However, all of the talk of death and demise left me feeling rather sheepish and concerned. Perhaps Brazil would be a better destination for me in the future, or perhaps I should go anywhere now before oil prices soar any higher. (It makes me yearn for the solar car that one of my friends helped create.)

Recurring Conversations

"I used to think you wanted to go out with me."

*blink*

"How very self-absorbed of you."

A look of mirth spread across her face. "No, it's just that you were so nice and fun, and I am so used to guys ... well, I'm used to it being one way or the other with guys. However, then you met my husband and you guys got along and you still acted the same way towards me and.... It's really just a very cool experience for me."

Growing up, I learned to value friendships more than relationships. The relationships that I was exposed to in my youth were predominantly unhappy things that people somehow got flung into. It was not a marriage of friendship and mutual respect but more a relationship that was a "constant battle for the ultimate state of control," or something much less than what one would want in a relationship that is supposed to last the rest of your lives, which is probably why so many of them ended or sat so stagnant.

It didn't hurt that I grew up in an incredibly small town in which there were maybe only 2 or 3 other children my age - not on my street but in my whole town. Almost all of the socialization I was exposed to growing up was with adults. Socially inept with people my own age, probably puts it mildly. That was before I got to high-school where a multitude of friendships were formed, and college was even better.

"You're the type of friend that ... well you're all in. There is no low stakes friendship with you. Your friends are either totally honest and open with you, or they really will not last as your friend. You don't do luke warm. You are a constant friend and one that someone could turn to if they ever needed you, but you demand a reciprocity. All of this has made my friendship with you perhaps more demanding than some of my other friendships, but it has also led me to value our friendship very much." This was his assessment of me after knowing me for over a decade.

My valuing of friendships over relationships led me to become friends with many a woman that I was sincerely attracted to, out of a sense that the friendship would be more permanent than the relationship. Yeah, no fear there, or perhaps I was just a young pragmatist. It also led me to form strong friendships with women, some of which I still have today. I would have to say if you look at the various long-term friendships that I have, two underlying themes can be found, I seem to have quite a few of them, and they are diverse in many ways, gender only being one of them. I also got to learn more about women than one perhaps should ever know. "You can't tell him that; you're giving away all of our best secrets."

I have learned much between then and now and the friends that I carry with me through today are sometimes amazed to see the changes that have taken place in my life. As I grow and mature, and attempt to marry in my mind the concepts of friendship and romance, the one thing that has never changed is that open honest sincerity that occurs in all of my relationships. It is one of my most valued things, as "honesty is such a lonely word."

Adventures on the High Seas

I sat there wondering if this moment was really about to happen. I had heard the whistle blow and the my mates' advisories to change course, and yet I had remained, and sailed straight into the storm. The siren was having such fun and enjoying my company too much. It was impossible for her to consider my absence. It just didn't seem fair that the fun and laughs had to end so abruptly, but I saw the rocks looming ahead, I knew that the gentle and calm surrounding me was only transient, as I had ridden in these waters before and I knew what was about to come.

The sea is a cold cold temptress and has caused many a man his death, and these were bad waters to be wandering about in, but I had done my calculations and was convinced that the weather would hold, despite my observance of the dark clouds in the distance. My mates' still called out for me to change course, but there was no altering my resolve. I had committed to something and such things are not easily swayed.

The storm was upon me almost without warning, although I had all the warning I should have needed. It was violent, shaking and tossing my ship about, waves crashing against me and attempting to sweep me off my bridge, but it would not happen. I had seen more violent seas and been through worse storms, and as much as this one raged and as much as the ship groaned under her assault, I knew I would live to see another day, with brighter skies and calmer seas.

The storm passed. The ship looked beaten, but repairs were immediately underway, and we would be sailing right again in no time. My mates stared at me in wonder, "You knew it was going to happen. You saw it coming. Why did you not change course?"

"Because I am the captain. And sometimes the darkest trips are worth the danger for the lessons that can be taken from them, so long as you are properly equipped. I knew the likelihood of danger lurking ahead, but I knew we would survive whatever was in store, as we had weathered worse."

"Just because you can, doesn't mean you should. There are easier ways."

"Aye, but not nearly as exciting."

(As a caveat, I know this post is cryptic, but it's supposed to be. Don't worry my writing style should be back to normal with my next post.)

Dating and Art (Not to be Confused with Dating Art)

"I thought you had given up dating."

"Well I figured I already had one, why not three?"

Clearly she couldn't argue with my logic. Mostly because it was so profoundly lacking.

This past weekend was absolutely full, with art festivals and an assortment of dates. I also finished the first phase of my Christian faith classes. It's not as exciting as it sounds - they do not even provide certificates anymore. However, I do feel proud to the extent that I stuck to my commitment of eight weeks. I thought everyone would, but from my experience, few people finish all the classes, and if they do, it often isn't within the eight week time frame. I've always been that way, though. I don't break commitments. Perhaps that was part of the reason that I was often so afraid of making them. Nah, it was probably something deeper than that, like being abandoned by my father and my mother, repeatedly, or fear of the possibility of recreating the unhealthy family unit that is mine.

Years later, I have learned that one is not doomed to repeat the mistakes of one's family. However, they might have to learn new coping mechanisms to make it through. I have also learned that I never really walk away from anything to which I'm committed, and that it doesn't have to be scary to be committed. It actually can be immensely comforting. However, I'll admit, that first step was scary as hell.

The dates were interesting, as two of them lasted several hours longer than I had ever anticipated. One of the women has amazing friend potential, which may or may not lead to more, and the other one attends the church that I've been going to for the aforementioned classes. The length of the first date, however, greatly limited my time for the art festival, but it was definitely worth it.

Sunday was reserved for church and making preparations for my impending trip. My small Christian studies group made another unsuccessful attempt to convert me. I imagine it is probably difficult for them, as they care about me as their friend and - being that they are believers in Christ - feel that if I don't accept Christ as my personal savior, I'm going to burn in hell for all eternity. I wouldn't want to have to think that was going to happen to one of my friends either.

Recommended Reading

I drafted this post several days ago, and couldn't decide whether or not to post it. However, then I read one of Amber's previous posts and read through the comments section and decided, maybe I should.

As some of you might have guessed, I not only devote considerable time to the study of law and religion, but have also often happened into the psychology section of the bookstore as well. It was on one of these journeys that I encountered a very interesting little book called, Intrusive Partners - Elusive Mates; The Pursuer-Distancer Dynamic in Couples by Stephen J. Betchen. It describes a dynamic between partners called "p-d", P standing for Pursuer and D for Distancer. It was actually quite an interesting read. I learned, amongst other things, that the distancer in relationships used to always be the man. However, with time and changes in gender roles, this has now changed.

Apparently, this dynamic is *very* prevalent in many relationships, but little research has been done on it. This book was an attempt to gather all of the relevant information for the practitioner, in an effort to aide him or her in treating their patients that are affected by this dynamic. Overall, the book is of little use to a person affected by these symptoms, as it is geared to practitioners and not patients. However, it probably could help one identify the existence of this dynamic in, and its impact upon, one's relationships. It also suggests possible causes for said dynamic, and lists suggested reading for patients affected by this dynamic.

The prevalence of this dynamic's occurrence, however, does not make it healthy. As the book points out, the people involved in these relationships often use them to avoid experiencing more healthy, deep, and meaningful relationships. Ahhh, avoidance - denial's partner in crime. However, it might make you feel less weird for being the way that you are, assuming you are this way. (As a caveat, I'd also recommend Feeling Good: the New Mood Therapy by David D. Burns, MD for anyone that might want to make meaningful changes to their behaviors and how they handle situations, including relationships.)

I Knew a Girl

People tell me things. Things that for whatever reason they don't feel comfortable telling others, they will somehow feel the need to tell me.

My friend's significant other used to pick on her a lot. He would compare her to women in the magazines and always tell her how she just didn't compare. She was never enough for him, and it used to hurt her terribly, as she always wanted to be enough. Enough for her family, enough for her friends, and enough for him. It was important. However, she just never could quite measure up. She shut down with him, emotionally and physically.

One day we were talking and hanging out. Something was clearly wrong, but she was rather tight lipped about it. So I let it go. During the course of the day she told me, "He made me have sex with him last night. I didn't want to, and I said 'No', but he had it with me anyway. I cried the whole time."

"He raped you."

"No, he didn't know that I didn't want to have sex. If he had know, he would have stopped. He just didn't understand."

It would have been more amusing if this had been an isolated incident. However, over the years, I've had more women tell me about their sexual assaults than I can believe. At one point, I began to think that everyone had been assaulted at one time or another. The thing that frustrated me even more was that the victim was always willing to make excuses for the behavior - "Oh he didn't understand."; "He was drunk."; "I just wasn't clear enough with him." I know you hear about the victim making excuses for their attacker and blaming themselves on TV, but you really cannot understand the level of frustration one experiences when they have a friend or loved one tell them about being raped and then you have to listen to that same friend blame themselves for it, until you have experienced it for yourself. It gets even more difficult when the person stays with their assailant after the incident, under that same enabling mentality. You want to tell the person that they are wrong; that there is no excuse; that you've been drunk before too and it has never caused you to misinterpret the word 'No' when it is uttered by your lover. However, such statements often have no impact.

I remember speaking to a woman that had seen her fair share of abuse and victims. "You have to understand that most women, even the ones that are attacked, will tell you that if their boyfriend or husband ever hit them or raped them, they would leave. So once that lover has attacked them, they have two choices - leave or find a way to tell themselves that it didn't happen. It's much easier to say it never happened. It's easier not to have to leave, to not have to admit that anything happened to you, to not have to admit that you lost control. Don't forget that the relationship probably wasn't always 'bad'. It didn't start out the way it is, or the way it becomes. Most women in abusive relationships did not start out getting beaten by their partners from day one. It was progressive; it happened once, and she found a way to excuse it. A second time, excused. Eventually, she found a way to cope with it all, and tell herself that it was ok. The mind is a very powerful thing. I did it for 17 years, myself."

The woman was right. I knew my friend's history with her lover. They had started out romantic. From the way she told it, things had been fantastic. However, over time, the relationship had gotten progressively worse. It wasn't all at once. It was a little bit at a time, until finally she was now here, and the scary part was that it had the potential to get worse.

The woman could see the look of confusion across my face.

"You have to understand something. Even though it was a terrible situation, there was a certain degree of comfort that came with it. I knew what I had. Change is very scary. Even if the change happens to be for the best, it's extremely scary. I didn't listen to my best friend, I didn't listen to my psychologist, I didn't listen to anyone. Because no matter how bad it was, in my head, it wasn't as scary as not having it."

"So what would you say to a woman in that situation today?"

"I like metaphors. I'd say, 'Do you feel like you've somehow got your foot stuck in the mud, and you just can't seem to get your boot out; you're pulling and pulling struggling to get the boot out of the mud so that you can continue your journey? Leave the boot.' Hopefully, they will realize that there is better out there, and that no matter how scary that step towards better might be, it's more than worth it."

My friend stayed with her significant other, and he remained as abusive as ever toward her, and she continued the arduous task of making excuses for him. I ended up having to distance myself from her. Sometimes, it's just too painful to watch those we care about hurt themselves.

An Evening With David Sedaris

On Friday night, when I went to see David Sedaris, he recommended that everyone read another author, Jean Thompson, who wrote Why Do You Love: Stories. He finds her work particularly inspirational when he can't seem to find the energy in him to write. Unfortunately, the bookstore I browsed the next day, didn't contain her book so I was left to forage for others.

David was absolutely hilarious. He only read one story that I had heard before. It concerns a squirrel and a chipmunk, and you can listen to it for free at This American Life. It's a really sweet story about a woman that breaks up with her lover out of a belief that they are truly from two far too different worlds. Only to realize years down the road that she left the love of her life over a misperception.

The remainder of the show was completely new and fresh for me and his question and answer period was amazing. I must admit that I was rather distracted for most of the show by things happening in my life, but even with the distraction, I found it to be incredibly enjoyable. I recommend that anyone that has the opportunity to see him, capitalizes on that opportunity. I doubt that you will be disappointed.

Something is Fishy Here

So here's an interesting little tidbit for you sushi lovers out there - every time you buy sushi you are supporting the Unification Church. This could be extraordinarly problematic if you are a huge fan of sushi but not too big on the Unification Church. (However, if it makes you feel any better, every time you have stayed at a Marriott, you have supported the Mormons.)

Now before you think I've lost my mind in making such a statement, feel free to read The Chicago Tribune Article about it for yourself.

Apparently, the Church also took the bold initiative of marrying immigrant fishermen to American citizen members of its church, several hundred at a time, so that they could become citizens and bypass some silly US regulations regarding foreign boats and where they can fish.

Religious Studies

As some of you may know, I have been going through a religious exploration - in an attempt to really figure out which faith, if any, is right for me. In this pursuit, I have looked to learn more about Buddhism (and its various sects) and Christianity (both fundamental, and to an extent, Jehovah's Witnesses).

Overall, I have found the experience to be very interesting, and have learned quite a bit. I have my own opinions about a lot of it, but I don't really want to blog about that because ... I just feel that could lead to a very long religious discussion that I'm not prepared to have with the blogging world, at large. However, I am still "investigating" or "exploring", as the Christians seem to like to call it, as I have not firmly settled on a religion - for various reasons.

I also take a class at the Christian church that I attend. The classes are ok. Most of them do not really teach me things I don't already know, or instinctively glean from the material already covered, but every now and again, I go to a class that just frames a concept really well, and I like it. I also really like the small group discussions after. Mostly because the people in my group are really fun and laid back.

Well some of the members of my small group, seem pretty darn annoyed that I haven't settled on Christianity yet. This culminated in an hour long discussion last weekend as they tried to assail me and convince me that Christianity was the way to go. However, our limited discussion revealed to me that there was an awful lot about their own religion - and others' - that they just really did not seem to have a clue about. (I think one person was convinced that I was a former Buddhist because I seemed to know things about that religion.) They may be able to quote scripture much better than I, but I seem to know more about the religions origins and other doctrines surrounding it. (I think I may have caused at least one person in my group to have a small crisis of faith, but that was not my intention. I didn't even bring up the subject.)

Well, it was a spirited small group discussion, let me tell you, and I left very frustrated. So I went and read another book on religion - The Case for Christ by Lee Strobel. Then I read a couple of response pieces to that - The Case Against 'The Case For Christ', Review of Lee Strobel THE CASE FOR CHRIST, and a third that I can't recall now. After doing all of this, I had a very familiar feeling creep over me - "I can't get out of the religion spin zone. Everyone writing seems convinced that I should believe their respective point of view."

I needed more independent sources and no one seemed to be able to offer me any. Everyone I spoke to wanted me to read another evangelist's book. This was getting me no where. I needed something more fair and balanced. Something that had the potential of being more based in fact, and more of an attempt of telling me - "This is what we know. This is what we don't know. Now make your decision." So I prayed (or meditated or somethinged) about it. (I would just say "prayed" but that's a whole other can of worms I don't want to get into here.) This is what I do.

I was struck by inspiration the next day as I stepped out of the shower. (This is actually fairly common - some of my most ingenious thoughts occur around my shower. I don't know why. They just do.) I had taken a class with one of the top two ancient history professors in the world when I was in college. He was absolutely fantastic, and he had a significant religious studies background, as he had written many things about it, including a Bible Dictionary. I could go to him with my questions and he could help guide me to some further texts. As such, I contacted him and two other professors that seemed to have similar backgrounds, and they responded with both information and some great recommendations. I'm very happy.

Elements

"So you've never slept with her?"

"No."

"Haven't you ever wanted to sleep with her?"

"No."

"Well why not? Isn't she a good person? Is she not attractive? Why wouldn't you want to go sleep with her?"

(The correct answer to this line of questioning probably would have been, "You're right, I think I should go call her right now." But I was feeling saucy.)

"Because that's just not the dynamic of our relationship. I don't think of her that way. I have a lot of female friends that I just don't think of that way. Granted, yes, the best relationship to have is with a friend that you also happen to be physically/sexually attracted to because the friendship, I feel, strengthens the relationship, but just because I'm friends with someone doesn't mean that I, de facto, want to sleep with them."

This, of course, followed her discussion of how open minded she was and how organized religion just sucked. Way to be open-minded. And you're telling me you're still single? No way.

When I was a much younger single guy, I used to think that all you really needed was to find a cute woman that you liked and who liked you and everything would progress from there. It would just be easy. I mean how hard could it be - there seemed to be all these great people out there. Then I started dating and I encountered conversations like this.

Stephanie recently wrote "Maybe love is when it's not about your "heart" but about your decision. Love is when your intellect gets in the way. Which is everything movies and art tell us it's not." As many of my previous posts might suggest, I'm with her on this. I grew up believing that it would all be about sex, lust and all of these things that end up only being a fraction of what a healthy relationship seems to take. I believed that it would be just like the movies - that you would just see that special someone, the stars would align and everything would work out.

However, I have come to believe, over time, that the friendship, caring, companionship, and nurturing afforded by a healthy relationship exceeds anything that a merely lustful relationship can offer. Being with that person that you would want to be trapped in an elevator with (and not just for the sexual opportunity that may afford) is something that cannot simply be manufactured. As Ron White said, "Don't marry for looks because stupid is forever."

Love is not just about some animalistic desire that you happen to feel on a Friday night. It's not just about the sexual urges and charges you feel firing off in your loins, because that's all transitory. Important, of course, but only an element. Because lust is ok, but won't necessarily help me when I'm struggling through something really difficult, or if I ever got really sick, or when I want to discuss something beyond the mundane. It won't be there when we are both old and grey trying to remember how we got there. Equally important, are the conversations that you have and the interaction that you experience. It is with a combination of these elements that we are challenged and allowed to grow, allowing for our needs to change, and our partner to satisfy the varying aspects of our desires. That level of fellowship that sense of being with a kindred spirit that we are also physically attracted to is something that exists as a rarity. Sure, one can have a relationship that lacks these elements, but it may not ever be as full or as satisfying as the one that has it all.

Growing up, I never thought this would be as rare as it is. Then again, I never really was conscious of all the varying elements that a relationship might require. I just figured I would encounter it everywhere, but few people I know have ever ended up marrying someone that they can consider their best friend. They married because the clock was ticking, the pressure was on, and it was just time. Hmmm, and we wonder why our divorce rate hovers so high.

I remember asking my psychologist a couple of years ago, "Is it just me or are there just a lot of messed up people out there?"

"Oh no. It's not just you. It's pretty bad out there. What you really want to try and do is bridge the gap of friendship and love. If you ever find that, keep it."

Chasing Amy

I didn't want to be there. There I was, doing it again, doing something I didn't want to do in an attempt not to offend anyone. Have some drinks, hang out, no big thing, until it becomes a big thing as the person sitting across from you ends up wanting to be even closer to you.

Sure, I should have heeded the warning signs, the train crossing that had detained me for a full 15 minutes, the complications in even finding the club, and my own gut feeling telling me this was just not going to be fun. However, I was told by my psychologist that this was a good step for me to take. She probably wouldn't have said the same thing if she knew the level of my discomfort at the idea, but unfortunately sessions do not last long enough to discuss everything.

Yes, the girl sitting opposite me was cute and nice, and I'm sure she would have made someone else very happy. Someone who wasn't wholly preoccupied with a woman that wasn't even in the room.

For the life of me, I cannot even tell you half of what was said in the conversation that night. I did my best to try to pay attention and feign interest in what was being said, just like I was taught to do by Swingers. (Mental note, if you are having to rely on that movie when conversing with a girl, you're in trouble already.) All I could think of was the woman at the other end of the cell phone that was calling and texting me. The woman that I wanted to be sitting across from me but wasn't. (I almost just got up and left when I noticed that my phone had rung, but then decided it would be better to just reply to the text in front of the girl I was with - that's bound to convey the message sufficiently, right. I mean how many women would accept a guy so openly doing that? Evidently, at least one more than I had anticipated.)

My best friend once asked me, "Can you even pretend to be interested in what any woman has to say without at least 5 drinks in you? Because I just can't do it anymore." At that very moment, I knew exactly what he had meant.

It didn't used to be this way. I had found ways of talking myself into settling for something less every time. However, now that I had had a relationship with a woman that I considered to be a very close friend, someone that I actually enjoyed being with and absolutely loved talking to, it was impossible for me to accept anything less. Now I sat there thinking, "Gosh, I would be having so much more fun with ..." or "Man, I really hope this gets better. I could just stay single. It's got to be better than this."

The ironic thing is the more disinterested I am, the more the other person is enthralled. It never fails that the woman that I only feign interest in will make her best efforts to attain my affections, and the one that I am actually interested in is never quite on the same page. (Actually, this probably isn't true. I've had women that I wasn't interested in lose interest in me, the difference is that you don't care when they leave because you never really cared anyway.)

Silent Bob: [to Holden, who has just revealed his trouble with Alyssa] You're Chasing Amy.
Holden: [Shocked that Silent Bob has broken his Silence] What? What did you say?
Silent Bob: You're Chasing Amy.
Jay: What do you look so shocked for, man, fat bastard does this all the time. He thinks just cause he doesn't say anything, it'll have this huge impact when he does open his fuckin' mouth...
Silent Bob: Jesus Christ, why don't you shut up? You're always yap-yap-yappin' all the time, you're givin' me a fuckin' headache.
[to Holden]
Silent Bob: I went through something like what you're talkin' 'bout, 'couple years ago, this chick named Amy.
Jay: When?
Silent Bob: [annoyed] A couple of years ago?
Silent Bob: But, by the time I figured this all out, it was too late; she moved on. And all I had to show for it was some foolish pride which then gave way to regret. She was the girl. I know that now. But, I pushed her away. So I've spent everyday since then chasing Amy. So to speak.