I didn't want to be there. There I was, doing it again, doing something I didn't want to do in an attempt not to offend anyone. Have some drinks, hang out, no big thing, until it becomes a big thing as the person sitting across from you ends up wanting to be even closer to you.
Sure, I should have heeded the warning signs, the train crossing that had detained me for a full 15 minutes, the complications in even finding the club, and my own gut feeling telling me this was just not going to be fun. However, I was told by my psychologist that this was a good step for me to take. She probably wouldn't have said the same thing if she knew the level of my discomfort at the idea, but unfortunately sessions do not last long enough to discuss everything.
Yes, the girl sitting opposite me was cute and nice, and I'm sure she would have made someone else very happy. Someone who wasn't wholly preoccupied with a woman that wasn't even in the room.
For the life of me, I cannot even tell you half of what was said in the conversation that night. I did my best to try to pay attention and feign interest in what was being said, just like I was taught to do by Swingers. (Mental note, if you are having to rely on that movie when conversing with a girl, you're in trouble already.) All I could think of was the woman at the other end of the cell phone that was calling and texting me. The woman that I wanted to be sitting across from me but wasn't. (I almost just got up and left when I noticed that my phone had rung, but then decided it would be better to just reply to the text in front of the girl I was with - that's bound to convey the message sufficiently, right. I mean how many women would accept a guy so openly doing that? Evidently, at least one more than I had anticipated.)
My best friend once asked me, "Can you even pretend to be interested in what any woman has to say without at least 5 drinks in you? Because I just can't do it anymore." At that very moment, I knew exactly what he had meant.
It didn't used to be this way. I had found ways of talking myself into settling for something less every time. However, now that I had had a relationship with a woman that I considered to be a very close friend, someone that I actually enjoyed being with and absolutely loved talking to, it was impossible for me to accept anything less. Now I sat there thinking, "Gosh, I would be having so much more fun with ..." or "Man, I really hope this gets better. I could just stay single. It's got to be better than this."
The ironic thing is the more disinterested I am, the more the other person is enthralled. It never fails that the woman that I only feign interest in will make her best efforts to attain my affections, and the one that I am actually interested in is never quite on the same page. (Actually, this probably isn't true. I've had women that I wasn't interested in lose interest in me, the difference is that you don't care when they leave because you never really cared anyway.)
Silent Bob: [to Holden, who has just revealed his trouble with Alyssa] You're Chasing Amy.
Holden: [Shocked that Silent Bob has broken his Silence] What? What did you say?
Silent Bob: You're Chasing Amy.
Jay: What do you look so shocked for, man, fat bastard does this all the time. He thinks just cause he doesn't say anything, it'll have this huge impact when he does open his fuckin' mouth...
Silent Bob: Jesus Christ, why don't you shut up? You're always yap-yap-yappin' all the time, you're givin' me a fuckin' headache.
[to Holden]
Silent Bob: I went through something like what you're talkin' 'bout, 'couple years ago, this chick named Amy.
Jay: When?
Silent Bob: [annoyed] A couple of years ago?
Silent Bob: But, by the time I figured this all out, it was too late; she moved on. And all I had to show for it was some foolish pride which then gave way to regret. She was the girl. I know that now. But, I pushed her away. So I've spent everyday since then chasing Amy. So to speak.
Sure, I should have heeded the warning signs, the train crossing that had detained me for a full 15 minutes, the complications in even finding the club, and my own gut feeling telling me this was just not going to be fun. However, I was told by my psychologist that this was a good step for me to take. She probably wouldn't have said the same thing if she knew the level of my discomfort at the idea, but unfortunately sessions do not last long enough to discuss everything.
Yes, the girl sitting opposite me was cute and nice, and I'm sure she would have made someone else very happy. Someone who wasn't wholly preoccupied with a woman that wasn't even in the room.
For the life of me, I cannot even tell you half of what was said in the conversation that night. I did my best to try to pay attention and feign interest in what was being said, just like I was taught to do by Swingers. (Mental note, if you are having to rely on that movie when conversing with a girl, you're in trouble already.) All I could think of was the woman at the other end of the cell phone that was calling and texting me. The woman that I wanted to be sitting across from me but wasn't. (I almost just got up and left when I noticed that my phone had rung, but then decided it would be better to just reply to the text in front of the girl I was with - that's bound to convey the message sufficiently, right. I mean how many women would accept a guy so openly doing that? Evidently, at least one more than I had anticipated.)
My best friend once asked me, "Can you even pretend to be interested in what any woman has to say without at least 5 drinks in you? Because I just can't do it anymore." At that very moment, I knew exactly what he had meant.
It didn't used to be this way. I had found ways of talking myself into settling for something less every time. However, now that I had had a relationship with a woman that I considered to be a very close friend, someone that I actually enjoyed being with and absolutely loved talking to, it was impossible for me to accept anything less. Now I sat there thinking, "Gosh, I would be having so much more fun with ..." or "Man, I really hope this gets better. I could just stay single. It's got to be better than this."
The ironic thing is the more disinterested I am, the more the other person is enthralled. It never fails that the woman that I only feign interest in will make her best efforts to attain my affections, and the one that I am actually interested in is never quite on the same page. (Actually, this probably isn't true. I've had women that I wasn't interested in lose interest in me, the difference is that you don't care when they leave because you never really cared anyway.)
Silent Bob: [to Holden, who has just revealed his trouble with Alyssa] You're Chasing Amy.
Holden: [Shocked that Silent Bob has broken his Silence] What? What did you say?
Silent Bob: You're Chasing Amy.
Jay: What do you look so shocked for, man, fat bastard does this all the time. He thinks just cause he doesn't say anything, it'll have this huge impact when he does open his fuckin' mouth...
Silent Bob: Jesus Christ, why don't you shut up? You're always yap-yap-yappin' all the time, you're givin' me a fuckin' headache.
[to Holden]
Silent Bob: I went through something like what you're talkin' 'bout, 'couple years ago, this chick named Amy.
Jay: When?
Silent Bob: [annoyed] A couple of years ago?
Silent Bob: But, by the time I figured this all out, it was too late; she moved on. And all I had to show for it was some foolish pride which then gave way to regret. She was the girl. I know that now. But, I pushed her away. So I've spent everyday since then chasing Amy. So to speak.
What an amazing post...so well written. It's as though we were with you, invisible, at that table. At that club.
ReplyDeleteEverything in me wants to give advice, sort-of in the role of "Big Brother" or "Uncle J". But I'll just say "congrats on doing something so difficult that appearantly really needed to be done for your own growth."