Impending Absence

For those of you playing at home, I will be leaving this Friday for the green pastures and country line dancing that make up Nashville, Tennessee. (How can one not go to the city that has a life size replica of the Parthenon?) However, this infusion of country and western shall be short lived, as I quickly leave for North Carolina, and finally return a little over a week later to the sunshine, palm trees, and overpriced real estate of Florida.

I think I have pre-paid for practically everything logistical. Airport parking is ridiculously expensive, even offsite, but I suppose $50 is a small price to pay for the convenience of actually being able to get in my car when I step off the plane, and I think I have everything in place for my trip - other than someone to water my plants - poor plants.

Depending on my ability to budget my time, and my access to a computer in my various ports of call, you may or may not notice any difference in the frequency of my posts. However, the content of the posts themselves might be a little different. I might even be forced to insert a "yee-haw" now and again, but I make no promises. Additionally, I may even have new pictures to post to my flickr account *gasp*. Yes, yes, I see the astonishment spreading across your faces.

See that - it only took two years for me to finally plan and go on a vacation, but I'm going darn it. I am still disappointed that I am not going to Europe or Colombia. I wish things had worked out differently and the people I had planned on going with to Europe had been able to go with me, or that all of the nay sayers didn't sway my determination of visiting the drug runner infested land in South America. However, all of the talk of death and demise left me feeling rather sheepish and concerned. Perhaps Brazil would be a better destination for me in the future, or perhaps I should go anywhere now before oil prices soar any higher. (It makes me yearn for the solar car that one of my friends helped create.)

Recurring Conversations

"I used to think you wanted to go out with me."

*blink*

"How very self-absorbed of you."

A look of mirth spread across her face. "No, it's just that you were so nice and fun, and I am so used to guys ... well, I'm used to it being one way or the other with guys. However, then you met my husband and you guys got along and you still acted the same way towards me and.... It's really just a very cool experience for me."

Growing up, I learned to value friendships more than relationships. The relationships that I was exposed to in my youth were predominantly unhappy things that people somehow got flung into. It was not a marriage of friendship and mutual respect but more a relationship that was a "constant battle for the ultimate state of control," or something much less than what one would want in a relationship that is supposed to last the rest of your lives, which is probably why so many of them ended or sat so stagnant.

It didn't hurt that I grew up in an incredibly small town in which there were maybe only 2 or 3 other children my age - not on my street but in my whole town. Almost all of the socialization I was exposed to growing up was with adults. Socially inept with people my own age, probably puts it mildly. That was before I got to high-school where a multitude of friendships were formed, and college was even better.

"You're the type of friend that ... well you're all in. There is no low stakes friendship with you. Your friends are either totally honest and open with you, or they really will not last as your friend. You don't do luke warm. You are a constant friend and one that someone could turn to if they ever needed you, but you demand a reciprocity. All of this has made my friendship with you perhaps more demanding than some of my other friendships, but it has also led me to value our friendship very much." This was his assessment of me after knowing me for over a decade.

My valuing of friendships over relationships led me to become friends with many a woman that I was sincerely attracted to, out of a sense that the friendship would be more permanent than the relationship. Yeah, no fear there, or perhaps I was just a young pragmatist. It also led me to form strong friendships with women, some of which I still have today. I would have to say if you look at the various long-term friendships that I have, two underlying themes can be found, I seem to have quite a few of them, and they are diverse in many ways, gender only being one of them. I also got to learn more about women than one perhaps should ever know. "You can't tell him that; you're giving away all of our best secrets."

I have learned much between then and now and the friends that I carry with me through today are sometimes amazed to see the changes that have taken place in my life. As I grow and mature, and attempt to marry in my mind the concepts of friendship and romance, the one thing that has never changed is that open honest sincerity that occurs in all of my relationships. It is one of my most valued things, as "honesty is such a lonely word."

Adventures on the High Seas

I sat there wondering if this moment was really about to happen. I had heard the whistle blow and the my mates' advisories to change course, and yet I had remained, and sailed straight into the storm. The siren was having such fun and enjoying my company too much. It was impossible for her to consider my absence. It just didn't seem fair that the fun and laughs had to end so abruptly, but I saw the rocks looming ahead, I knew that the gentle and calm surrounding me was only transient, as I had ridden in these waters before and I knew what was about to come.

The sea is a cold cold temptress and has caused many a man his death, and these were bad waters to be wandering about in, but I had done my calculations and was convinced that the weather would hold, despite my observance of the dark clouds in the distance. My mates' still called out for me to change course, but there was no altering my resolve. I had committed to something and such things are not easily swayed.

The storm was upon me almost without warning, although I had all the warning I should have needed. It was violent, shaking and tossing my ship about, waves crashing against me and attempting to sweep me off my bridge, but it would not happen. I had seen more violent seas and been through worse storms, and as much as this one raged and as much as the ship groaned under her assault, I knew I would live to see another day, with brighter skies and calmer seas.

The storm passed. The ship looked beaten, but repairs were immediately underway, and we would be sailing right again in no time. My mates stared at me in wonder, "You knew it was going to happen. You saw it coming. Why did you not change course?"

"Because I am the captain. And sometimes the darkest trips are worth the danger for the lessons that can be taken from them, so long as you are properly equipped. I knew the likelihood of danger lurking ahead, but I knew we would survive whatever was in store, as we had weathered worse."

"Just because you can, doesn't mean you should. There are easier ways."

"Aye, but not nearly as exciting."

(As a caveat, I know this post is cryptic, but it's supposed to be. Don't worry my writing style should be back to normal with my next post.)

Dating and Art (Not to be Confused with Dating Art)

"I thought you had given up dating."

"Well I figured I already had one, why not three?"

Clearly she couldn't argue with my logic. Mostly because it was so profoundly lacking.

This past weekend was absolutely full, with art festivals and an assortment of dates. I also finished the first phase of my Christian faith classes. It's not as exciting as it sounds - they do not even provide certificates anymore. However, I do feel proud to the extent that I stuck to my commitment of eight weeks. I thought everyone would, but from my experience, few people finish all the classes, and if they do, it often isn't within the eight week time frame. I've always been that way, though. I don't break commitments. Perhaps that was part of the reason that I was often so afraid of making them. Nah, it was probably something deeper than that, like being abandoned by my father and my mother, repeatedly, or fear of the possibility of recreating the unhealthy family unit that is mine.

Years later, I have learned that one is not doomed to repeat the mistakes of one's family. However, they might have to learn new coping mechanisms to make it through. I have also learned that I never really walk away from anything to which I'm committed, and that it doesn't have to be scary to be committed. It actually can be immensely comforting. However, I'll admit, that first step was scary as hell.

The dates were interesting, as two of them lasted several hours longer than I had ever anticipated. One of the women has amazing friend potential, which may or may not lead to more, and the other one attends the church that I've been going to for the aforementioned classes. The length of the first date, however, greatly limited my time for the art festival, but it was definitely worth it.

Sunday was reserved for church and making preparations for my impending trip. My small Christian studies group made another unsuccessful attempt to convert me. I imagine it is probably difficult for them, as they care about me as their friend and - being that they are believers in Christ - feel that if I don't accept Christ as my personal savior, I'm going to burn in hell for all eternity. I wouldn't want to have to think that was going to happen to one of my friends either.

Recommended Reading

I drafted this post several days ago, and couldn't decide whether or not to post it. However, then I read one of Amber's previous posts and read through the comments section and decided, maybe I should.

As some of you might have guessed, I not only devote considerable time to the study of law and religion, but have also often happened into the psychology section of the bookstore as well. It was on one of these journeys that I encountered a very interesting little book called, Intrusive Partners - Elusive Mates; The Pursuer-Distancer Dynamic in Couples by Stephen J. Betchen. It describes a dynamic between partners called "p-d", P standing for Pursuer and D for Distancer. It was actually quite an interesting read. I learned, amongst other things, that the distancer in relationships used to always be the man. However, with time and changes in gender roles, this has now changed.

Apparently, this dynamic is *very* prevalent in many relationships, but little research has been done on it. This book was an attempt to gather all of the relevant information for the practitioner, in an effort to aide him or her in treating their patients that are affected by this dynamic. Overall, the book is of little use to a person affected by these symptoms, as it is geared to practitioners and not patients. However, it probably could help one identify the existence of this dynamic in, and its impact upon, one's relationships. It also suggests possible causes for said dynamic, and lists suggested reading for patients affected by this dynamic.

The prevalence of this dynamic's occurrence, however, does not make it healthy. As the book points out, the people involved in these relationships often use them to avoid experiencing more healthy, deep, and meaningful relationships. Ahhh, avoidance - denial's partner in crime. However, it might make you feel less weird for being the way that you are, assuming you are this way. (As a caveat, I'd also recommend Feeling Good: the New Mood Therapy by David D. Burns, MD for anyone that might want to make meaningful changes to their behaviors and how they handle situations, including relationships.)

I Knew a Girl

People tell me things. Things that for whatever reason they don't feel comfortable telling others, they will somehow feel the need to tell me.

My friend's significant other used to pick on her a lot. He would compare her to women in the magazines and always tell her how she just didn't compare. She was never enough for him, and it used to hurt her terribly, as she always wanted to be enough. Enough for her family, enough for her friends, and enough for him. It was important. However, she just never could quite measure up. She shut down with him, emotionally and physically.

One day we were talking and hanging out. Something was clearly wrong, but she was rather tight lipped about it. So I let it go. During the course of the day she told me, "He made me have sex with him last night. I didn't want to, and I said 'No', but he had it with me anyway. I cried the whole time."

"He raped you."

"No, he didn't know that I didn't want to have sex. If he had know, he would have stopped. He just didn't understand."

It would have been more amusing if this had been an isolated incident. However, over the years, I've had more women tell me about their sexual assaults than I can believe. At one point, I began to think that everyone had been assaulted at one time or another. The thing that frustrated me even more was that the victim was always willing to make excuses for the behavior - "Oh he didn't understand."; "He was drunk."; "I just wasn't clear enough with him." I know you hear about the victim making excuses for their attacker and blaming themselves on TV, but you really cannot understand the level of frustration one experiences when they have a friend or loved one tell them about being raped and then you have to listen to that same friend blame themselves for it, until you have experienced it for yourself. It gets even more difficult when the person stays with their assailant after the incident, under that same enabling mentality. You want to tell the person that they are wrong; that there is no excuse; that you've been drunk before too and it has never caused you to misinterpret the word 'No' when it is uttered by your lover. However, such statements often have no impact.

I remember speaking to a woman that had seen her fair share of abuse and victims. "You have to understand that most women, even the ones that are attacked, will tell you that if their boyfriend or husband ever hit them or raped them, they would leave. So once that lover has attacked them, they have two choices - leave or find a way to tell themselves that it didn't happen. It's much easier to say it never happened. It's easier not to have to leave, to not have to admit that anything happened to you, to not have to admit that you lost control. Don't forget that the relationship probably wasn't always 'bad'. It didn't start out the way it is, or the way it becomes. Most women in abusive relationships did not start out getting beaten by their partners from day one. It was progressive; it happened once, and she found a way to excuse it. A second time, excused. Eventually, she found a way to cope with it all, and tell herself that it was ok. The mind is a very powerful thing. I did it for 17 years, myself."

The woman was right. I knew my friend's history with her lover. They had started out romantic. From the way she told it, things had been fantastic. However, over time, the relationship had gotten progressively worse. It wasn't all at once. It was a little bit at a time, until finally she was now here, and the scary part was that it had the potential to get worse.

The woman could see the look of confusion across my face.

"You have to understand something. Even though it was a terrible situation, there was a certain degree of comfort that came with it. I knew what I had. Change is very scary. Even if the change happens to be for the best, it's extremely scary. I didn't listen to my best friend, I didn't listen to my psychologist, I didn't listen to anyone. Because no matter how bad it was, in my head, it wasn't as scary as not having it."

"So what would you say to a woman in that situation today?"

"I like metaphors. I'd say, 'Do you feel like you've somehow got your foot stuck in the mud, and you just can't seem to get your boot out; you're pulling and pulling struggling to get the boot out of the mud so that you can continue your journey? Leave the boot.' Hopefully, they will realize that there is better out there, and that no matter how scary that step towards better might be, it's more than worth it."

My friend stayed with her significant other, and he remained as abusive as ever toward her, and she continued the arduous task of making excuses for him. I ended up having to distance myself from her. Sometimes, it's just too painful to watch those we care about hurt themselves.

An Evening With David Sedaris

On Friday night, when I went to see David Sedaris, he recommended that everyone read another author, Jean Thompson, who wrote Why Do You Love: Stories. He finds her work particularly inspirational when he can't seem to find the energy in him to write. Unfortunately, the bookstore I browsed the next day, didn't contain her book so I was left to forage for others.

David was absolutely hilarious. He only read one story that I had heard before. It concerns a squirrel and a chipmunk, and you can listen to it for free at This American Life. It's a really sweet story about a woman that breaks up with her lover out of a belief that they are truly from two far too different worlds. Only to realize years down the road that she left the love of her life over a misperception.

The remainder of the show was completely new and fresh for me and his question and answer period was amazing. I must admit that I was rather distracted for most of the show by things happening in my life, but even with the distraction, I found it to be incredibly enjoyable. I recommend that anyone that has the opportunity to see him, capitalizes on that opportunity. I doubt that you will be disappointed.

Something is Fishy Here

So here's an interesting little tidbit for you sushi lovers out there - every time you buy sushi you are supporting the Unification Church. This could be extraordinarly problematic if you are a huge fan of sushi but not too big on the Unification Church. (However, if it makes you feel any better, every time you have stayed at a Marriott, you have supported the Mormons.)

Now before you think I've lost my mind in making such a statement, feel free to read The Chicago Tribune Article about it for yourself.

Apparently, the Church also took the bold initiative of marrying immigrant fishermen to American citizen members of its church, several hundred at a time, so that they could become citizens and bypass some silly US regulations regarding foreign boats and where they can fish.

Religious Studies

As some of you may know, I have been going through a religious exploration - in an attempt to really figure out which faith, if any, is right for me. In this pursuit, I have looked to learn more about Buddhism (and its various sects) and Christianity (both fundamental, and to an extent, Jehovah's Witnesses).

Overall, I have found the experience to be very interesting, and have learned quite a bit. I have my own opinions about a lot of it, but I don't really want to blog about that because ... I just feel that could lead to a very long religious discussion that I'm not prepared to have with the blogging world, at large. However, I am still "investigating" or "exploring", as the Christians seem to like to call it, as I have not firmly settled on a religion - for various reasons.

I also take a class at the Christian church that I attend. The classes are ok. Most of them do not really teach me things I don't already know, or instinctively glean from the material already covered, but every now and again, I go to a class that just frames a concept really well, and I like it. I also really like the small group discussions after. Mostly because the people in my group are really fun and laid back.

Well some of the members of my small group, seem pretty darn annoyed that I haven't settled on Christianity yet. This culminated in an hour long discussion last weekend as they tried to assail me and convince me that Christianity was the way to go. However, our limited discussion revealed to me that there was an awful lot about their own religion - and others' - that they just really did not seem to have a clue about. (I think one person was convinced that I was a former Buddhist because I seemed to know things about that religion.) They may be able to quote scripture much better than I, but I seem to know more about the religions origins and other doctrines surrounding it. (I think I may have caused at least one person in my group to have a small crisis of faith, but that was not my intention. I didn't even bring up the subject.)

Well, it was a spirited small group discussion, let me tell you, and I left very frustrated. So I went and read another book on religion - The Case for Christ by Lee Strobel. Then I read a couple of response pieces to that - The Case Against 'The Case For Christ', Review of Lee Strobel THE CASE FOR CHRIST, and a third that I can't recall now. After doing all of this, I had a very familiar feeling creep over me - "I can't get out of the religion spin zone. Everyone writing seems convinced that I should believe their respective point of view."

I needed more independent sources and no one seemed to be able to offer me any. Everyone I spoke to wanted me to read another evangelist's book. This was getting me no where. I needed something more fair and balanced. Something that had the potential of being more based in fact, and more of an attempt of telling me - "This is what we know. This is what we don't know. Now make your decision." So I prayed (or meditated or somethinged) about it. (I would just say "prayed" but that's a whole other can of worms I don't want to get into here.) This is what I do.

I was struck by inspiration the next day as I stepped out of the shower. (This is actually fairly common - some of my most ingenious thoughts occur around my shower. I don't know why. They just do.) I had taken a class with one of the top two ancient history professors in the world when I was in college. He was absolutely fantastic, and he had a significant religious studies background, as he had written many things about it, including a Bible Dictionary. I could go to him with my questions and he could help guide me to some further texts. As such, I contacted him and two other professors that seemed to have similar backgrounds, and they responded with both information and some great recommendations. I'm very happy.

Elements

"So you've never slept with her?"

"No."

"Haven't you ever wanted to sleep with her?"

"No."

"Well why not? Isn't she a good person? Is she not attractive? Why wouldn't you want to go sleep with her?"

(The correct answer to this line of questioning probably would have been, "You're right, I think I should go call her right now." But I was feeling saucy.)

"Because that's just not the dynamic of our relationship. I don't think of her that way. I have a lot of female friends that I just don't think of that way. Granted, yes, the best relationship to have is with a friend that you also happen to be physically/sexually attracted to because the friendship, I feel, strengthens the relationship, but just because I'm friends with someone doesn't mean that I, de facto, want to sleep with them."

This, of course, followed her discussion of how open minded she was and how organized religion just sucked. Way to be open-minded. And you're telling me you're still single? No way.

When I was a much younger single guy, I used to think that all you really needed was to find a cute woman that you liked and who liked you and everything would progress from there. It would just be easy. I mean how hard could it be - there seemed to be all these great people out there. Then I started dating and I encountered conversations like this.

Stephanie recently wrote "Maybe love is when it's not about your "heart" but about your decision. Love is when your intellect gets in the way. Which is everything movies and art tell us it's not." As many of my previous posts might suggest, I'm with her on this. I grew up believing that it would all be about sex, lust and all of these things that end up only being a fraction of what a healthy relationship seems to take. I believed that it would be just like the movies - that you would just see that special someone, the stars would align and everything would work out.

However, I have come to believe, over time, that the friendship, caring, companionship, and nurturing afforded by a healthy relationship exceeds anything that a merely lustful relationship can offer. Being with that person that you would want to be trapped in an elevator with (and not just for the sexual opportunity that may afford) is something that cannot simply be manufactured. As Ron White said, "Don't marry for looks because stupid is forever."

Love is not just about some animalistic desire that you happen to feel on a Friday night. It's not just about the sexual urges and charges you feel firing off in your loins, because that's all transitory. Important, of course, but only an element. Because lust is ok, but won't necessarily help me when I'm struggling through something really difficult, or if I ever got really sick, or when I want to discuss something beyond the mundane. It won't be there when we are both old and grey trying to remember how we got there. Equally important, are the conversations that you have and the interaction that you experience. It is with a combination of these elements that we are challenged and allowed to grow, allowing for our needs to change, and our partner to satisfy the varying aspects of our desires. That level of fellowship that sense of being with a kindred spirit that we are also physically attracted to is something that exists as a rarity. Sure, one can have a relationship that lacks these elements, but it may not ever be as full or as satisfying as the one that has it all.

Growing up, I never thought this would be as rare as it is. Then again, I never really was conscious of all the varying elements that a relationship might require. I just figured I would encounter it everywhere, but few people I know have ever ended up marrying someone that they can consider their best friend. They married because the clock was ticking, the pressure was on, and it was just time. Hmmm, and we wonder why our divorce rate hovers so high.

I remember asking my psychologist a couple of years ago, "Is it just me or are there just a lot of messed up people out there?"

"Oh no. It's not just you. It's pretty bad out there. What you really want to try and do is bridge the gap of friendship and love. If you ever find that, keep it."

Chasing Amy

I didn't want to be there. There I was, doing it again, doing something I didn't want to do in an attempt not to offend anyone. Have some drinks, hang out, no big thing, until it becomes a big thing as the person sitting across from you ends up wanting to be even closer to you.

Sure, I should have heeded the warning signs, the train crossing that had detained me for a full 15 minutes, the complications in even finding the club, and my own gut feeling telling me this was just not going to be fun. However, I was told by my psychologist that this was a good step for me to take. She probably wouldn't have said the same thing if she knew the level of my discomfort at the idea, but unfortunately sessions do not last long enough to discuss everything.

Yes, the girl sitting opposite me was cute and nice, and I'm sure she would have made someone else very happy. Someone who wasn't wholly preoccupied with a woman that wasn't even in the room.

For the life of me, I cannot even tell you half of what was said in the conversation that night. I did my best to try to pay attention and feign interest in what was being said, just like I was taught to do by Swingers. (Mental note, if you are having to rely on that movie when conversing with a girl, you're in trouble already.) All I could think of was the woman at the other end of the cell phone that was calling and texting me. The woman that I wanted to be sitting across from me but wasn't. (I almost just got up and left when I noticed that my phone had rung, but then decided it would be better to just reply to the text in front of the girl I was with - that's bound to convey the message sufficiently, right. I mean how many women would accept a guy so openly doing that? Evidently, at least one more than I had anticipated.)

My best friend once asked me, "Can you even pretend to be interested in what any woman has to say without at least 5 drinks in you? Because I just can't do it anymore." At that very moment, I knew exactly what he had meant.

It didn't used to be this way. I had found ways of talking myself into settling for something less every time. However, now that I had had a relationship with a woman that I considered to be a very close friend, someone that I actually enjoyed being with and absolutely loved talking to, it was impossible for me to accept anything less. Now I sat there thinking, "Gosh, I would be having so much more fun with ..." or "Man, I really hope this gets better. I could just stay single. It's got to be better than this."

The ironic thing is the more disinterested I am, the more the other person is enthralled. It never fails that the woman that I only feign interest in will make her best efforts to attain my affections, and the one that I am actually interested in is never quite on the same page. (Actually, this probably isn't true. I've had women that I wasn't interested in lose interest in me, the difference is that you don't care when they leave because you never really cared anyway.)

Silent Bob: [to Holden, who has just revealed his trouble with Alyssa] You're Chasing Amy.
Holden: [Shocked that Silent Bob has broken his Silence] What? What did you say?
Silent Bob: You're Chasing Amy.
Jay: What do you look so shocked for, man, fat bastard does this all the time. He thinks just cause he doesn't say anything, it'll have this huge impact when he does open his fuckin' mouth...
Silent Bob: Jesus Christ, why don't you shut up? You're always yap-yap-yappin' all the time, you're givin' me a fuckin' headache.
[to Holden]
Silent Bob: I went through something like what you're talkin' 'bout, 'couple years ago, this chick named Amy.
Jay: When?
Silent Bob: [annoyed] A couple of years ago?
Silent Bob: But, by the time I figured this all out, it was too late; she moved on. And all I had to show for it was some foolish pride which then gave way to regret. She was the girl. I know that now. But, I pushed her away. So I've spent everyday since then chasing Amy. So to speak.

The Golden Rule

I seem to hear a lot of talk lately about "The Golden Rule" - Do unto others as you would have done unto you. It is spoken of as if it is an infallible rule - as if this is the type of rule that, if absolutely everyone followed, would completely solve all of our society's ills. I have a few problems with this. Overall, I think the rule is great, but I don't see it as a universal truth. There are many situations where this rule simply won't work.

For example, I would not want a masochist to treat me the way they would like to be treated. I don't see that as a very workable situation. However, one does not have to involve a masochist in the hypothetical for the rule's application to get dicey; the rule fails to measure up in many other situations as well. I know lots of people that like to be treated in a particular way, but their friends or significant others don't like to be treated that way. For the rule to work, it would appear that the two people involved have to be rather compatible in how they like to be treated, and there are tons of people that are incompatible.

Some have seen this potential flaw in the rule and have amended it to say "Do unto others exactly as the other person would like to have done unto them". This too is flawed for a couple of reasons. One, it's absolutely impossible for anyone to know exactly how the other person wants to be treated in every situation. Two, maybe the way the person wants to be treated isn't compatible with your needs. For example, let's say you meet a sadist, an abuser, an addict, or a leech. You may not be willing to subject yourself to such treatment and to continually give of yourself in such a manner. In fact, to do so would likely make you a rather unhealthy person.

Really the only rule that seems to work in every case is "Do unto others exactly as you feel like doing". You will never fully know how the other person would like to be treated, and you may be in a position where it would be very unhealthy for you to treat the person in the manner they wish. Hopefully, you will want to be a "good" person, both to yourself and to others. Either way, your actions will lead to immediate reactions as others treat you exactly how they feel like treating you in return.

Sure, some people may want to kill another person, or do some other equally "evil" act, and so, applying this rule, would go off and kill that person. Others would react to this act, however, with their own actions. In theory, it could lead to mad chaos where everyone is just out killing everyone, but sooner or later a collection of people would get together and form laws to prohibit such acts. They wouldn't have to, but they likely would want to. They would be doing exactly what they felt like doing.

Symbolism

"Yeah, I went out with him before. I think the expectation was superior to the experience. Even if the sex had been amazing, who cares? I mean sex is nice and all, but I still have to talk to the man later. Besides, physicality only takes you so far in a long-term relationship."

Sometimes we have people and things in our life like this. My friend had seen a hot looking guy that she thought would be amazing, and as she got closer to the person, the facade fell away, and the realization came - dear God, he has no brain.

Harry Chapin said, "It's better sometimes when we don't get to touch our dreams."

Achieving a dream can be very scary. Achieving it without really realizing it may not be so scary, but actually having the knowledge that you are about to achieve a lifelong goal or achievement, or encounter a lifelong idol, can be quite daunting. Because it is only then that you actually have the potential of losing that dream or symbol, of it being corrupted or tarnished.

The people that have been tossed and turned on the sea of love, finding it fleeting and painful, now stand upon their bridges scouting the seas for the unseen dangers that are surely lurking ahead. Some of them have stood upon the ledges of their lives, expecting the happily ever after to be just around the corner, only to later be asking where's the orchestra.

Some have attempted noble professions, arts, music, legal aid, environmental groups, and the like, only to find corruption and their pure image of these icons chipped away. A friend of mine once went to join a leading environmental group. (She was very environmentally active at that point in her life.) Then she learned that 80% of every dollar donated did nothing but feed back into the behemoth organization - to pay for its overhead. This was not what she envisioned.

When we picture our dreams coming true, we never consider it a scary prospect. When we see ourselves finding that special person, it never enters into our calculations that there will also be this absolute terror gripping us as we ponder if we are making a mistake or if it will just fall apart like all the others - because if I lose this one, it's really going to hurt. When we picture meeting our idols, we don't imagine the possibility that they will disappoint or fail to live up to our expectations. We often fail to take into account in our musings the fact that everything that glitters isn't always gold.

The beautiful woman that you spy across the room, is perhaps better left across the room because then she never has to become real. Your leader or icon is perhaps best left at a distance so that you never necessarily have to know if they fail to meet your expectations or receive high marks. The love of your life is perhaps best left unattained, as it will always exist as your muse, as you go off Chasing Amy. However, to maintain such a position isn't really living and isn't really learning, and would sort of obviate one of the basic points of the movie I just used as a metaphor. After all, if you don't talk to the beautiful woman, how will you ever learn that beauty can often be only skin deep. If you always keep the leader on a pedestal, how will you ever understand that they are human - thereby giving you the faith that their achievements are attainable by anyone, including you. If you never love ... well what's the point in the search.

I once saw Wynton Marsalis speak and he explained how life is just tough sometimes. Through life, people and organizations are going to disappoint you, the beautiful things that you spied across the way may not impress upon further inspection, and sometimes we will get hurt. However, if you play through the pain, if you keep pushing and don't lose faith, if you never lose your ideals, and your values, you can persevere. Ideas, values, and thoughts can be pure, but attributing these attributes to any given person is always done at a risk, as they rely upon another living up to an expectation that we have placed upon them. The intangible is much more likely to be able to achieve such an irrational goal.

Some of you may get to this point in the post and think, "Well then I should just never have faith in anyone or anything because they will just disappoint me." However, you will have missed the thrust of what I am trying to convey. People may disappoint you at times, but it is our placing of false expectations that, sometimes, leads to these very disappointments. Allowing one or a few bad people, one or a few bad relationships, one or a few bad anything, to shatter your views and ideals, undercuts the validity and strength of those very views and ideals - they are bigger than one or a few anything. Besides, they can change with time and growth - "physicality only takes you so far" is not likely a statement my friend would have made when she was younger.

"Life is a banquet, and most poor suckers are starving to death!" - Auntie Mame. It is through sucking the marrow out of life, and taking these risks, that we live. Yes, we risk pain and the rocks below should we fail and fall, but a life of pure safety is often empty and boring, and our dreams, values and ideals worth a bit of risk.

(As an aside, I am still recovering from a cold as I write this. So it may or may not be coherent.)

Friends and Lovers

"You don't really want to be here with me."

I was annoyed, not just because she was right, but more so because, was I that transparent? How could she tell? And who cared, wasn't I there enough? I had done all the right things, I had made all the right motions. I was a perfect date, thoughtful, considerate, and attentive, but it wasn't enough in her estimation because she wasn't setting me afire.

I once got to meet "the other man".

TOM: "I don't like you very much."

Me: "I'm sorry to hear that."

TOM: "I see her face after she speaks to you and I know that you make her happier than I ever will be able to."

Me: "So why are you bothering?"

TOM: "Because I love her."

Me: "Sounds like a rather selfish love."

I didn't really blame her for wanting to date other people. We were long distance and neither one of us was really a big fan of that concept. However, I truly had higher expectations of her ability to select alternate men to date. She ended up having some rather curious selections - a stalker, a guy that raped his previous girlfriend, and this one. He didn't really appreciate the concept that she and I were intending to remain friends and speak every day either.

I must have looked at TOM with the same eyes she now looked at me with. "Why are you bothering with this charade?" She, however, had some more heated questions to add. "You expect me to be happy with the knowledge that I'm not the one for you? How is this supposed to fuel our relationship?"

For some, accepting that they are second best is sufficient. They can put on that brave face and lose gracefully, accepting second place in the contest of life and accepting the fact that they just didn't quite measure up; that while they will still be treated with all of the affection and romance that they would expect, their lover's heart will never quite be in it. However, others find this truth too painful to bear witness to, and find it even harder to have it flaunted in their face on a constant basis. TOM found it upsetting enough to subsequently lie to the woman of his dreams and push her away from me, and the woman accompanying me decided it was best to quit while she was ahead.

Halfway

"Your whole room centers around your food."

"Yup, just like yours centers around music. Priorities, man."

She was right. The center piece to my dorm room was my stereo. My stereo, however, has never been as impressive as my music collection. It's voluminous to put it mildly. It's gotten so bad that at times, I can't even remember if I already own a CD that I'm considering purchasing.

I don't really do many things half-way, and when I feel half-way about something, I immediately feel uncomfortable. This is why I commit to so few things. Some people throw around promises and statements like candy, but only a fraction of them will they fulfill. I try to never make any promise that I cannot keep, much to the annoyance of an ex or two. The easier thing to say is, "Of course we will get married," but if I don't feel it, I can't say it. I can't be luke warm going into something.

"That's what I like about you. I never have to question where I stand. Some people might say nice things to me and try to placate me, but you're going to be brutally honest. I know if you're annoyed, mad, happy, sad, whatever, because you're just going to blatently tell me. At first, I found this incredibly annoying, but over time, it's the thing that I have come to respect the most about you, and one of the main reasons I value you so much as my friend. You just don't lie, and you never say things just to make me happy."

With some things, I know with a certainty what I want. For example, I'll listen to a CD and I'll know that I want it. I'll hang out with someone a time or two and I'll know I want to be friends with them. I go on a date and I know whether I ever want to see that person again. However, with many other things, I'm much more indecisive. Choosing a major in college took forever, picking out a watch, a suit, deciding whether I wanted an iPod, etc. These decisions took anywhere from hours to months. Store clerks actually tired of me at times. Once I decide something, however, I don't often change my mind. It's a matter of getting to the decision that sometimes takes a long time, and is something I sometimes have to be prodded for.

"What do you want for your birthday/Christmas?"

This is a question I will generally try to avoid for as long as possible because I'm almost never sure how to answer it. Generally, the things I want cost too damn much for me to ask anyone else to buy them for me. It's right around the point where I know my "indecisiveness" is about to cause a fight with someone I care about that I cave. It's not that I haven't thought about the question up until then, it's more that I really don't feel strongly about any of my gift ideas I've been able to think of. To me, I'm not really indecisive, I just have trouble saying or doing things unless I truly feel them.

Brief Overview

The Red Headed Maven has requested that I get back to talking more about dating. Although, I thought I had been, I think she means, more specifically, the dating experiences I have had as of late, but the thing is that I haven't had any. I have had one girl that's been calling me for about a month or two, trying to coordinate a time when we can go out, I'm supposed to have a date this weekend with another girl, which I am approaching with great trepidation, and I have a third who seems to be very interested in dating me. All I have to do now is decide whether I am ready to date.

I had decided months ago that I just didn't want to date anymore, and that the rewards just were not worth the consequences of dating for me, as of late. I wanted to take time for me, to figure out who I was and what steps I had been taking in the past that always seemed to lead to catastrophic results. However, the more time I have taken, the less I seem to want to date again.

In the abstract, I see dating as great, having a friend that you get to know on multiple levels and really build something with. However, in the past when I have had this, one of two things has happened - I've either developed what I thought was an ulcer or I ended up getting hurt. The only way to truly find out if I have learned anything about myself, of course, is to brush myself off and get back out there. Roll the dice, play the odds and hope I get lucky, no pun intended. However, that seems to require effort and a complete lack of fear, foolhardiness at its finest.

Never fear, though, I am sure I will find other things to write about with which to fill your screens. For example, I saw V for Vendetta this weekend and it totally rocked! Natalie Portman is gorgeous, and having the Warshawski Brothers on the project always helps to give those fight scenes that extra umph.

Tonight, I was supposed to go to a hockey game with some of the guys from my church. I was really looking forward to it, but I woke up sick and it doesn't seem to be getting better. So it looks like that's cancelled. It's too bad too because the partner is going to the game tonight as well.

I purchased a ticket to go see David Sedaris. I kept meaning to buy a ticket but was always waiting on other people to get back to me about whether they wanted to go. Finally, I decided I had better just buy one for myself and go. It's a good thing too, as there were only about seven seats left in the whole place. I'll be sitting in the very back row, but I don't care. I just really want to see that guy.

I seem to have planned my entire trip. Now all I have to do is book the tickets. I'll give more details as they become available, but so far the trip involves Nashville and Durham, North Carolina, seeing three of my friends, and the added bonus of celebrating my 30th birthday. Very cool.

Ending or Beginning

"You can't be friends with someone you ever truly loved."

"Really? Many of my friends will be very sad to hear that."

I am friends with several women that I have loved or dated in the past. Most people I know marvel at this and cannot understand how it can ever be achieved. I understand their astonishment, as I am one of the few people I know with genuine friends that are of the opposite sex, let alone former girlfriends. However, the transition has rarely been smooth or easy. As a general rule, it involves space and time for both people to become whole again, gain their own footing, feel secure in who they are and what they are doing, grow as people, and a willingness and ability to cast off any idea of a future romantic relationship with the other person. Often the friendship ends up being like a Will & Grace relationship in my life, but I cherish it so much as the person knows me in a way no one else can, to an extent.

Every time I have ever walked away from something like that I have always feared never getting it back. In all cases, it never has returned. It either came back as something better and more stable or it just never came back at all. However, in retrospect, it was the only healthy choice to make. I know men that cling to women as friends for years in anticipation of a relationship, and the women that let them. It's a completely unfair role to cast yourself in, but everyone needs to decide what they can handle and do exactly what they feel like doing. This, of course, will lead to immediate and direct consequences - good or bad - but it is all we can do.

"What the caterpillar calls the end of the world the master calls a butterfly." - Richard Bach

Where Do I Sign Up?

I'm not a big fan of joining an organized anything. I'm a registered Independent. I never joined a fraternity in college. I never even joined the professional fraternity that many of my friends encouraged me to join with them. My theory was "Why would I want to join an organization with people in it that I wouldn't hang out with normally? I don't want to pay for my friends, and I don't want to have to pay to hang out with people I don't like very much anyway either." In fact, I only joined my law school fraternity because my two best friends were joining that night and if I didn't join I would have had to sit outside while they went to the induction without me. Unthinkable. It also helped that I never had to do much after the induction anyway.

As to political parties, I have two issues with them - 1) George Washington wasn't a big fan of them and 2) I never wanted to be associated with an entire group of people whose views I may not agree with.

That's generally how I feel about most organized social clubs and organizations to this day. I just really do not see the point. I don't like a lot of people. In fact, there are a lot of people I'm not such a big fan of. It's not that I dislike them. Disliking people takes effort, and I'm lazy in that respect. However, that doesn't mean I wish to be around them.

There is the added problem that if I am in an organization, it may be assumed that I believe everything that the organization believes in. For example, if I say I'm a Democrat, everyone might immediately assume that I'm a liberal (which I am on some things), but if I say I'm a Republican, people could assume that I'm a conservative (which I am on other things). It's hard for me to be a part of an organization because of these reasons. I always want to be judged for myself as an individual, not as a byproduct of an organization I happen to be affiliated with. Moreover, there are things that organizations have done in the past that I do not necessarily want to be associated with.

This is similar to my issues with organized religion. For example, I have a friend who is a Jehovah's Witness. She is one of my best friends, is very sweet, giving, loyal, and friendly. However, when I tell people I have a friend that is a Jehovah's Witness, many of them get the look of a cat that's about to get a bath. The claws are out and there is the immediate assumption that this person is just crazy. She isn't. She has her beliefs and is passionate about them, and I respect that. I have other friends that aren't religious at all and are very passionate about that, and I respect that.

A concept I have found recurring in most religions I have read about, is the idea of tolerance. The idea that you are to respect other people's beliefs. Last weekend I went to a religion class. It was very educational and I really appreciated it. However, the lecturer said that evolution was a dead theory and that no reputable scientists really believed in it any more as the fossil record did not support the theory. I had studied evolution in college, and I never remembered hearing this. In fact, I remembered learning the opposite, but I know memories can be faulty so I looked it up later, only to find articles from Berkeley and Scientific American painstakingly debunking these statements with fact. I hate being lied to. I don't care if you want to tell me that the church doesn't believe in something or that you feel it contradicts the Bible, but don't tell me that no reputable scientist believes in it when lots of them do. It confuses me even more, as evolution does not obviate the concept of God. There's nothing saying that evolution couldn't be part of the divine plan - the two theories can co-exist.

I, personally, don't know if I believe in evolution or not. I know scientists have a lot of theories, and some of them end up being right and some are wrong. However, whether it ends up being right or not, I don't see how it would negatively impact faith. People should never fear the truth no matter where it happens to lead.

(Note that this post was drafted when I wrote this one, but I couldn't find a good way to join the two.)

Discourse

"Wait, this is a great conversation. But I don't want to bog you down in a philosophical discussion."

"Why am I bogged? Who else will talk philosophy with me?"

A five hour philosophical and theological discussion ensued, and never really found an ending. As we concluded, beaten by fatigue, we both didn't necessarily see eye to eye on every topic discussed, but we left with a deeper understanding of one another, and the same love and respect that we had come to the dialogue with. I'm not sure that would have happened when we first met.

When I met my friend, I was a young and confused soul looking for answers and looking to find the one truth out there. I wanted to find the secret to winning in argument and debate. I would debate with my peers and frequently lose and feel frustrated and angry, often losing my temper and storming off as I felt totally defeated and as less of a person for having lost. How did all of these other people have answers to my points? Why could I not win?

Time changed my perspective and my logic in argument and debate. It changed, in many ways, the person that I am, or the way I approach a dialogue. I now recognize that in a many debates neither side will likely "win", as both sides are approaching the issue from a completely different perspective. For every thrust of an argument that you may have, they likely have an equally deft parry, and even if they don't, there is likely one out there just waiting to be discovered. Sometimes there is a way for the people to meet in the middle, but sometimes that remains a secondary concern, as it's the dialogue itself that the people were interested in beginning.

When a person is fully convinced of their point, it is unlikely that you will have any sway with them, and sometimes even if you do, they will never admit it because to admit that would be giving too much of themselves. All you really can do is allow them an opportunity to view your perspective and see what they do with it. At the end of the day, it really is just a sharing of ideas.

As I sat frustrated in my psychologist's office one day, she remarked, "Oh, I see people all the time that are convinced that they are in love with one another. They really are in a flawed relationship, but it's easier for them to exist in the state of alleged bliss than to face whatever it is they are too afraid to face - commitment with someone they truly love or otherwise." Great; that makes me feel so much better. However, her point is well taken, you cannot convince someone of anything or convey any message to anyone unless they are ready and willing to receive it, and you may be the person that they are the least likely to receive it from than anyone.

My best friend in high school hated my opinions. She hated them because, often times, I would end up being right, and she always felt like less of a person at having to accept that I had been right again and she had been wrong. As such, she would rarely accept my advice on anything, and was actually more likely to defy me than listen to me. I have attempted to learn to give such advice sparingly and only when asked, and even then, often not.

Sometimes you can't get the other person to hear you, believe you, or listen to you, but with the right company and the right issues, it doesn't make the discussion any less enjoyable.

Results

Perhaps all of my ranting and raving, and others', wasn't entirely lost on our friendly neighborhood senators, as they passed a proposed budget today that completely ignores Bush's (Jeb's not G.W.'s) call for a tax cut, and instead demands a $1.8 billion dollar increase in the budget for Florida schools. The senators point out that we need to be able to pay our teachers more in order to attract and keep the ones of quality. After all, passion is great, but it won't keep the lights on, unless you have Tesla on staff.

My week has been exhausting, both physically and emotionally, with a lot of soul searching, reading, thinking, and working. I did learn yesterday, though, from my little brother and his friends, as we played tag on the playground, that I run "really fast". Tomorrow I will go help low income people file their tax returns again, and hopefully by the end of the weekend I will have my vacation fully planned. I haven't had one in about two years and I am definitely looking forward to it.

I have more, but my eyes are burning from staring at my computer monitor all day while drafting an agreement so it will have to wait. Happy Shamrock Day, one and all.