People tell me things. Things that for whatever reason they don't feel comfortable telling others, they will somehow feel the need to tell me.
My friend's significant other used to pick on her a lot. He would compare her to women in the magazines and always tell her how she just didn't compare. She was never enough for him, and it used to hurt her terribly, as she always wanted to be enough. Enough for her family, enough for her friends, and enough for him. It was important. However, she just never could quite measure up. She shut down with him, emotionally and physically.
One day we were talking and hanging out. Something was clearly wrong, but she was rather tight lipped about it. So I let it go. During the course of the day she told me, "He made me have sex with him last night. I didn't want to, and I said 'No', but he had it with me anyway. I cried the whole time."
"He raped you."
"No, he didn't know that I didn't want to have sex. If he had know, he would have stopped. He just didn't understand."
It would have been more amusing if this had been an isolated incident. However, over the years, I've had more women tell me about their sexual assaults than I can believe. At one point, I began to think that everyone had been assaulted at one time or another. The thing that frustrated me even more was that the victim was always willing to make excuses for the behavior - "Oh he didn't understand."; "He was drunk."; "I just wasn't clear enough with him." I know you hear about the victim making excuses for their attacker and blaming themselves on TV, but you really cannot understand the level of frustration one experiences when they have a friend or loved one tell them about being raped and then you have to listen to that same friend blame themselves for it, until you have experienced it for yourself. It gets even more difficult when the person stays with their assailant after the incident, under that same enabling mentality. You want to tell the person that they are wrong; that there is no excuse; that you've been drunk before too and it has never caused you to misinterpret the word 'No' when it is uttered by your lover. However, such statements often have no impact.
I remember speaking to a woman that had seen her fair share of abuse and victims. "You have to understand that most women, even the ones that are attacked, will tell you that if their boyfriend or husband ever hit them or raped them, they would leave. So once that lover has attacked them, they have two choices - leave or find a way to tell themselves that it didn't happen. It's much easier to say it never happened. It's easier not to have to leave, to not have to admit that anything happened to you, to not have to admit that you lost control. Don't forget that the relationship probably wasn't always 'bad'. It didn't start out the way it is, or the way it becomes. Most women in abusive relationships did not start out getting beaten by their partners from day one. It was progressive; it happened once, and she found a way to excuse it. A second time, excused. Eventually, she found a way to cope with it all, and tell herself that it was ok. The mind is a very powerful thing. I did it for 17 years, myself."
The woman was right. I knew my friend's history with her lover. They had started out romantic. From the way she told it, things had been fantastic. However, over time, the relationship had gotten progressively worse. It wasn't all at once. It was a little bit at a time, until finally she was now here, and the scary part was that it had the potential to get worse.
The woman could see the look of confusion across my face.
"You have to understand something. Even though it was a terrible situation, there was a certain degree of comfort that came with it. I knew what I had. Change is very scary. Even if the change happens to be for the best, it's extremely scary. I didn't listen to my best friend, I didn't listen to my psychologist, I didn't listen to anyone. Because no matter how bad it was, in my head, it wasn't as scary as not having it."
"So what would you say to a woman in that situation today?"
"I like metaphors. I'd say, 'Do you feel like you've somehow got your foot stuck in the mud, and you just can't seem to get your boot out; you're pulling and pulling struggling to get the boot out of the mud so that you can continue your journey? Leave the boot.' Hopefully, they will realize that there is better out there, and that no matter how scary that step towards better might be, it's more than worth it."
My friend stayed with her significant other, and he remained as abusive as ever toward her, and she continued the arduous task of making excuses for him. I ended up having to distance myself from her. Sometimes, it's just too painful to watch those we care about hurt themselves.
My friend's significant other used to pick on her a lot. He would compare her to women in the magazines and always tell her how she just didn't compare. She was never enough for him, and it used to hurt her terribly, as she always wanted to be enough. Enough for her family, enough for her friends, and enough for him. It was important. However, she just never could quite measure up. She shut down with him, emotionally and physically.
One day we were talking and hanging out. Something was clearly wrong, but she was rather tight lipped about it. So I let it go. During the course of the day she told me, "He made me have sex with him last night. I didn't want to, and I said 'No', but he had it with me anyway. I cried the whole time."
"He raped you."
"No, he didn't know that I didn't want to have sex. If he had know, he would have stopped. He just didn't understand."
It would have been more amusing if this had been an isolated incident. However, over the years, I've had more women tell me about their sexual assaults than I can believe. At one point, I began to think that everyone had been assaulted at one time or another. The thing that frustrated me even more was that the victim was always willing to make excuses for the behavior - "Oh he didn't understand."; "He was drunk."; "I just wasn't clear enough with him." I know you hear about the victim making excuses for their attacker and blaming themselves on TV, but you really cannot understand the level of frustration one experiences when they have a friend or loved one tell them about being raped and then you have to listen to that same friend blame themselves for it, until you have experienced it for yourself. It gets even more difficult when the person stays with their assailant after the incident, under that same enabling mentality. You want to tell the person that they are wrong; that there is no excuse; that you've been drunk before too and it has never caused you to misinterpret the word 'No' when it is uttered by your lover. However, such statements often have no impact.
I remember speaking to a woman that had seen her fair share of abuse and victims. "You have to understand that most women, even the ones that are attacked, will tell you that if their boyfriend or husband ever hit them or raped them, they would leave. So once that lover has attacked them, they have two choices - leave or find a way to tell themselves that it didn't happen. It's much easier to say it never happened. It's easier not to have to leave, to not have to admit that anything happened to you, to not have to admit that you lost control. Don't forget that the relationship probably wasn't always 'bad'. It didn't start out the way it is, or the way it becomes. Most women in abusive relationships did not start out getting beaten by their partners from day one. It was progressive; it happened once, and she found a way to excuse it. A second time, excused. Eventually, she found a way to cope with it all, and tell herself that it was ok. The mind is a very powerful thing. I did it for 17 years, myself."
The woman was right. I knew my friend's history with her lover. They had started out romantic. From the way she told it, things had been fantastic. However, over time, the relationship had gotten progressively worse. It wasn't all at once. It was a little bit at a time, until finally she was now here, and the scary part was that it had the potential to get worse.
The woman could see the look of confusion across my face.
"You have to understand something. Even though it was a terrible situation, there was a certain degree of comfort that came with it. I knew what I had. Change is very scary. Even if the change happens to be for the best, it's extremely scary. I didn't listen to my best friend, I didn't listen to my psychologist, I didn't listen to anyone. Because no matter how bad it was, in my head, it wasn't as scary as not having it."
"So what would you say to a woman in that situation today?"
"I like metaphors. I'd say, 'Do you feel like you've somehow got your foot stuck in the mud, and you just can't seem to get your boot out; you're pulling and pulling struggling to get the boot out of the mud so that you can continue your journey? Leave the boot.' Hopefully, they will realize that there is better out there, and that no matter how scary that step towards better might be, it's more than worth it."
My friend stayed with her significant other, and he remained as abusive as ever toward her, and she continued the arduous task of making excuses for him. I ended up having to distance myself from her. Sometimes, it's just too painful to watch those we care about hurt themselves.
I like the clarity of that explanation -- "So once that lover has attacked them, they have two choices - leave or find a way to tell themselves that it didn't happen." It's one of the few things in relationships that are simple, but victims will often tell you how "complicated" the situation is.
ReplyDeleteUnfortunatley, I think this hits a little too close to home...
ReplyDeleteDon't worry--not Cody.
This is a really hard-hitting post. Well done.
ReplyDeleteUnlike your friend, it's not about self blame or loving the guy and not wanting him to be put away.
ReplyDeleteThere's a huge taboo that goes with being 'sexually assulted', everyone will judge you, your dating life is put on hold for years... You become 'dirty', it might as well be youfrfualt... and to be honest, life is just easier if you deal with it privately and move on.