Great Expectations

"I'll just sleep with her."

"No, you won't. I mean that's fine if you can do it, but I know you can't. You don't just have casual sex and you're just going to wind up hurting yourself."

She was right, of course. I didn't want her to be right, though. I wanted to be like every other guy out there - able to sleep with anyone without any attachment or regret. It was too late, though. Sex (and yes, I use Clinton's definition) always meant more to me. It always meant more to me for many reasons, not the least of which being that I always knew there was the chance of getting that person pregnant - of fundamentally changing at least two lives, and if I was going to do something like that, it had better be with someone I cared about. The more I tried to disprove her, the more I ended up hurting myself. It was all good in theory, but in application ...

(Yes. Yes. I know there is birth control. However, many women I have known have had bad reactions to birth control, and pretty much every woman I have ever known does not like the guy wearing a condom. It's funny because my health classes in school taught me that men would be the ones that wouldn't want to wear a condom. Besides, condoms can break, leak, or slip off. I knew a guy that had a second child that way.)

When I started teaching, I thought I would be the cool teacher. The one that was fun and joking, taught you a lot, gave real world examples, had great stories, and gave everyone A's at the end of the semester. However, it never happened. I knew it wouldn't work out the way I had envisioned, of course. I have too much respect for the law to just let people slide by. I'll try my best to give a student every opportunity, but if they can't pull it together enough to at least spot the issues - forget it.

It seems sometimes we tell ourselves things because we want them to be true.

"Oh, he'll stop drinking."

"I won't be like my parents."

"I will never have another cigarette."

Of course, these are things that we want. They are goals. However, in the back of my mind, I always know when I'm lying to myself. It's just not going to work out the way I predict. The problem is that not all the people listening to me as I'm talking can see this mental process occurring. This is a dangerous thing because it may lead some people to take all of my talking seriously. It leads them to come to incorrect conclusions because they never ask me to seriously consider the thought. Some of my closest friends know me well enough to step back and say, "Are you serious?" And others know me well enough to just call it for what it is - wishful thinking (bullshit).

Ink for Food

I needed a new printer because the one in my office had some sort of issue with printing out cleanly. Finally, after everyone got tired of printing things out for me, I was summarily purchased a new printer. However, this left me with the question of what to do with the old one. It just seemed so senseless to throw it away - it's a perfectly good printer. Well, it could be a perfectly good printer. I wanted to recycle it, but I couldn't find anywhere in my area that accepted printers for recycling. I did find, however, that some places accepted toner cartridges for recycling and even donated the proceeds they earned on recycling them to good causes, like Big Brothers & Big Sisters or a breast cancer research fund. However, again these were not in my area, or they did not accept the toner cartridges we use.

Finally, I found a place that accepts all of our toner cartridges and uses the proceeds to feed starving people. I now have our whole firm recycling toner cartridges. So while I may not have found anything decent to do with my printer, I at least found something productive to do with the toner in it.

Motif

I never watched Sex in the City, except when my friend would put on the DVD's when I visited her, as she explained to me that it was simply the best show on TV. However, last night it was on and I was bored so I figured, eh. It didn't hurt that the very beginning of the episode touched on a theme I've been having in my life over ... a long time, but more particularly, in some ways, recently.

In this particular episode, Carrie (played by Sarah Jessica Parker) has started dating a new man. However, she is really weirded out and concerned because there simply are no problems with this guy. He's "too perfect". She keeps asking him what his flaw is - wanting to go into the relationship with her "eyes open" so that she knows if she can handle it. She asks this question: "Do people need drama in order for a relationship work?" or words to that effect.

All of my life, I have dated, been friends with, known, or otherwise been associated with women that, for whatever reason, seem to need the drama. Just the other day I got a phone call from my friend who was still bleeding from her latest beating from her lover - the police had just left. She wanted to know if she should get a restraining order. One day later, I spoke with her again, she still missed him and wanted him back - blaming herself for the whole ordeal.

My friend had a similar issue with a guy recently. I can't go too into it here because I don't know enough about it to really elaborate, but we were recently speaking about a person's inability to trust and love. The idea that the person would be more willing to spend their life with someone that they were just sort of into instead of the man or woman that they loved, seemed to repulse her.

"It's safer. You'll find that oftentimes, running from safety is the thing we find easiest to do."

My former psychologist once counseled me on love. He explained to me that love, true love, would be the most exciting and scariest part of my life. "You will have found this amazing woman who you love and who brings so much joy to your life. A person that you simply adore, but at the same time you will have to expose yourself to the enormous potential for pain by allowing this person into your heart. The very idea of losing that person can be more painful than some can ever bear."

My next psychologist - I moved - explained a little further: "Some people just can't trust or they are insecure and believe that they do not deserve love for whatever reason. Something from their past, something within them refuses to allow that connection, or to take that risk. It's simply too scary for them to trust."

One girl I went on a date or two with told me that she was reading a book by a psychologist/sociologist that explained the human condition of our generation and its inability to open up and trust in relationships. A whole generation of fear. She felt like she could really identify with the book - I should have run right then and there.

Meanwhile the people that seem so unwilling to trust and so often eager to run from safety, often seem to wind up in the arms of unhappiness. The girl that called me bleeding used to date a really great guy; a guy that loved her, was always there for her, and gave her his heart - and not in a wimpy way, but just genuinely. This was unacceptable to her and so she needed something else, which I guess she has now found, and the more he beats her, the more she loves him. I dated a girl that broke up with me one day because things between us were just "too good". I'll never forget the day. I sat there just staring blankly - not really knowing if this was for real. She ended up dating a guy that cheated on her, but she kept going back for more.

I have friends that are with people other than the person that they loved so violently and passionately and I have to ask myself if that's the way it's supposed to be. Is that the answer that one is to rest with at the end of their journey. Is it simply something so ingrained in our thinking that we are unwilling to accept easy and good. It is easier to settle with someone that we don't love too much so that we never have to risk that fear of pain and regret ever again, but is the easiest course of action always the best course or is the path less traveled the way to true happiness?

Weekend Plans

Everyone needs a hobby I guess. With my spare time yesterday, I prepared two individual income tax returns, and reviewed a third, all so that I could take a test and prove that I was worthy of voluteering with the IRS Volunteer Income Tax Assistance ("VITA"). Basically, it's a free tax preparation assistance service that the IRS offers for low income people. Once I'm a full fledged volunteer, I can use their tax preparation software, but until then, I was forced to use nothing but my wits alone. Scary.

I don't prepare a lot of individual returns in my practice. The task is much more suited, in my opinion, to an accountant or someone much more familiar with individual income tax laws. However, they only have two volunteers at the site I'll be working at and neither speaks English very well. Plus, the people I'll be helping don't make a lot anyway so their tax returns will likely be less complicated and if I screw up, it probably can't result in that much of a tax difference.

As you probably guessed from the last paragraph, I successfully passed the test. Although, I really wish there was an IRS person or accountant that I could ask some questions to, as through the process of completing the form, I came up with several. I think it would be helpful to me and the people I'm going to assist, going forward. Heck, they should offer this process as a class - that would be even more helpful.

So there's something one can do on a weekend.

Lazy Blogger

Yup, that's me. I've been so out of the blogging world. I've just been very introspective as of late and much of what I have to write ends up in my journal.

The hot nineteen year old that I have sometimes written about here called me last week to ask how she could take out a restraining order against Mr. Wonderful, the drug addict. Apparently, he not only kept using, but started hitting her, became emotionally abusive, and attempted to control her. But she wouldn't call the cops on him because she was too afraid of him - they were still living together and he wouldn't leave. My favorite story involved him paying her cell phone bill and then giving her a list of people that she was allowed to talk to. I haven't heard from her since.

I took my car in for an oil change on Saturday, and walked away with over $500 in repairs. Apparently, the tires that I bought two years ago, which were supposed to last 75,000 miles ... yeah, two of them didn't make it. They said I should get them rotated more often, but I get them rotated with every oil change. Bah. I still don't understand why I didn't get new tires for free if the ones I bought were supposed to last so long. I'll have to dig out the warranty.

I have been reading a lot about religion, all sorts of religions, and the historical aspects of some of the religions. Some of it is really confusing. I feel like I'll spend hours just trying to learn one thing and end up right back where I started at the end. I still think it can be really interesting, though. However, everything else related to this topic belongs in my journal for now.

I'm going to a hockey game tomorrow. It should be fun, even though The Panthers will likely lose. I haven't been to a hockey game in years, and I happened to get really good seats for this game. Very exciting. I wish it was on a Friday, though, so that I wouldn't have to wake up early the next day and go to work.

That's all I've got. Trust me, the juicy stuff is all in my handy journal, or in my brain ... somewhere.

In This House, On This Morning

She had been raving about it for weeks. I figured I should try it. I like taking an interest in the things that important to the people I care about. It helps me understand them better and sometimes helps me understand myself better. For example, I'll go shopping for shoes and clothes if it means I'm going to get to spend time with someone I care about and learn more about their tastes and how they think. You'd be surprised how much you can learn about someone just by taking the time and putting forth a little effort.

"You don't want to go."

"Of course, I want to go. If I didn't, I wouldn't have brought it up, repeatedly."

"But you never go."

"I never go to lots of places without other people." This was true. I started going to the gym in college because my friend and roommate started going - it became the thing to do. I would go to dinner with the people in my dorm because it was fun. I joined Spanish Club in high school because I was following my friend into the room. I wasn't even in Spanish class. I've been told it's because I have extroverted tendencies, but I think it's just because I like being around my friends, and can have fun doing almost anything with them. I bought an X Box and Gamecube because my friends and I used to play video games all the time. When I stopped hanging out with them, though, I stopped playing video games. I don't think I've used either console in about a year. This is not to say that I do things that I don't like merely to please others - it's an important distinction and one that I consciously make daily. I like playing video games. I like going to the gym, I still go today, even by myself. It's just, for me, many things are often better shared.

I go to certain activities never knowing what to expect. I figure it's better not to have high or low expectations about certain things, and to just allow them to unfold as everything progresses. I think if you go into something with a positive attitude, it often helps lead to a positive experience. Although, some events cannot be salvaged no matter how positive your attitude might be.

I showed up a little early. Parking was crazy. I had never seen such a turnout. There were parking attendants directing traffic and just an ocean of cars. Good thing I was a little early! Were they going to be giving away door prizes? Was there an early bird special? This seemed to be the place where everyone who was anyone was going to show up this night.

The speaker was unexpected. Not that there was one, of course, but the identity of the person. Apparently, the usual speaker was on vacation. She wouldn't be pleased, I was sure - to come all this way and for the divine orator to not be there. I, fortunately, had nothing to compare our substitute to, and was equally satisfied with this speaker as the hypothetical amazing one that I had heard so much about.

"So did you like it?"

"Yeah, I really did." Two hours, minimum, of discourse ensued. Plus an additional hour of listening to a recording of the fantastic orator I had heard so much about. I could see why she felt a little disappointed at his not being there tonight.

It was really an amazing experience. I think I will definitely be going back. It's not like this had been my first time going to church, but it had been the first time I had gone where I felt really just happy and enthused after having been there. Having someone I cared about with me, with whom I could share thoughts and ideas and could discuss the experience with after, certainly didn't hurt either.

In-N-Out Love

These folks ate a 100x100 at In-N-Out. They are freaking crazy.

Effective Compensation My Foot!

Below is a copy of the email I sent this morning to a couple newspaper editors, Florida's Governor, Jeb, and all of Florida's Senators.

I'm really mad that I didn't know anything about the above referenced topic. Not only did I not know about it, but none of my colleagues had ever heard of it either, and I like to consider myself well educated current on events.

I think the media, as a whole, is doing a lackluster job at keeping the public informed and hasn't been doing a very good job at making any of the politicians in our country accountable and on their collective heels. This is truly unfortunate because I view the media as the last check and balance. One of the only mediums that truly allows for the empowerment of the public.

Our schools are failing, No Child Left Behind has been a failure. The statistics relating to its success have been rebuked and scoffed at. The stories regarding these issues wind up on some back page that almost no one ever reads. When did the education of our children take such a low priority in local news? Why is every news media source more devoted to the national stories that the stories that more directly effect and impact our local neighborhoods?

Education is one of the greatest mechanisms we have today to level the playing field, to foster a better economy, provide greater opportunity, keep people off the streets, and off of drugs. The NCCP (http://www.nccp.org/pub_pei04.html) lists the following brief statistics: Nearly two-thirds of children in low-income families have parents without any college education; 82% of children whose parents do not have a high school degree live in low-income families; and, only 22% of children whose parents have at least some college education live in low-income families. Clearly, education makes a difference. However, the no one pays any attention to it.

Our educators in Florida make less than over half the educators in the country, meanwhile we have some of the highest real estate costs, and cost of living, overall. We want to attract the best and the brightest educators, meanwhile businesses are having trouble attracting new professionals - even with promise of $70,000 or $80,000 per year salaries. (See Sun-Sentinel, "High Pay No Lure as Home Costs Escalate", February 12, 2006). Obviously, we are going to have even greater difficulty attracting and keeping the best and the brightest educators with a system like this. Teachers need to be paid more period. This should not be something reserved only for those teachers that are willing to teach in lower performing schools or for those teachers that happen to be teaching students that have the most dramatic improvement on a standardized test. Since when did standardized tests ever show a person's ability at anything. Statisticians have proven standardized tests as faulty every year. Now we want to base how much a teacher makes based on the results of a faulty test.

"Standardized tests fail to measure creativity, thoughtfulness, perceptiveness, judgment, diligence, critical thinking, communication skills, problem solving or imagination – to name just a few attributes of genuine intelligence. What they do reward is thinking and memorization skills that have little importance in the world of work, higher education, family, or citizenship. "Exacerbating the problem, the tests exhibit persistent racial and gender bias, disadvantaging people of color, girls, and women in competitive spheres from primary to graduate school."

(See Ralph Nader, "High Stakes Tests", http://www.sfbg.com/nader/125.html; Allan Nairn & Ralph Nader, The reign of ETS : the corporation that makes up minds (1980); Marion Brady, The Standards Juggernaut, http://www.pdkintl.org/kappan/kbra0005.htm; and High-Stakes Testing, —Where We've Been and Where We Are, An Interview with Professor Daniel Koretz, http://www.gse.harvard.edu/news/features/koretz03212002.html).

This is a completely inappropriate approach and is based on a faulty presumption that teaching is just like any other job. There is a belief that all it is is thdisseminationon of information, but it is far more than that. Teachers are responsible for helping to shape and mold our children for years to come. They are there not only to help infuse knowledge into our children, but to help teach them how to behave appropriately, use propejudgmentnt, be creative, use their imaginations, etc. The impact of having a quality education are clearly immeasurable. However, we all sweep it to the back of our minds. No one wants to pay more taxes. No one wants to acknowledge how little our teachers are being paid. Most often I see a Florida teacher's salary marked at $50,000.00. Teachers have to be teaching in the same county for a quarter of a century before they make anything close to that figure. Many are making half that. How is this supposed to attract the best and the brightest.

It's unfortunate that I have to dig for this information and that my media, whose job it is supposed to be to investigate and report, is completely failing to inform me of these facts. They have completely failed to inform me of what is going on in my society and have not forced me to take a hard look at what is happening. It's unfortunate and unacceptable that I have to end up doing all the investigating and reporting myself. You in the media have the opportunity to have a huge effect of better our society as a whole simply by doing your jobs. This opportunity should not be squandered.

It's All in the Name

"I thought you were going to Europe."

"I am."

"Hmmm, that sure doesn't appear to be the right direction."

"It's the scenic route."

My new plan is to go to Cartagena, Colombia in April. Why Colombia? I don't know. I've met people from there and they seem nice, the flights are cheap and my money is worth gobs and gobs more there than in Europe.

But what happened to Europe? Oh, it's there. I know it is because stories about it have been flooding my TV screen for days. However, my travel buddy probably can't go anymore and it's a lot more expensive to go alone than when you can share costs with someone else. My friend in Germany is now living in Palestine. (Yes, I said Palestine, and yes, he is American.) Plus I have a lot of student loans to pay off - my penance for wanting to be educated.

I thought you were an attorney? Don't you make lots of money?

No, not really. If I worked at a large firm and sold my soul and life, I'm sure I could have a decent living, but I could obtain the same result by retaining my current job and taking a second job somewhere else. When you compare how much you make to the amount of time you work, it all starts to become clear that you really are working quite diligently for your money. I have friends that work or have worked at those wonderful ivory tower firms. One lost her marriage over it, another burned out in a year, a third is moving to D.C. simply to rid herself of her abusive boss. Yeah, I'm not sure the money is worth the price one is forced to pay. Attorneys can make lots of money over time, though. It's an earning potential thing - we start out where others cap off.

I don't blame people for not understanding the law field or what I do. It's the same thing when I talk to my friends that are doctors.

"I know what you do. I watch Scrubs and ER."

"Oh that's such bullshit."

The truth is I don't have the faintest idea what they do. I suppose they treat the sick, but I don't know how much work actually goes into it. I just know what I've heard, experienced and seen on TV. I know that I go to the doctor, he or she sees me for 10 minutes, prescribes some medicine, and gets paid a lot of money from my HMO. Not a bad gig, I think to myself. I'm sure my clients think the same thing when they meet with me. They have no idea how much work goes on behind the scenes, the public record searches, the reconstructing history, negotiating with other attorneys, long winded discussions with people that need to say their peace in order for you to actually get the information you need out of them. I think it's like that with a lot of industries. My doctor friends have a strong aversion to attorneys because they think all we do is sue doctors. Even though, I'm the type of attorney that can be a doctor's best friend, as I help protect their assets.

"A tax attorney? You must be busy this time of year."

"No. I am not an accountant or a CPA. I didn't go to law school and get a Master of Laws in Taxation so that I could file people's individual tax returns."

It's the natural assumption, though. Even other attorneys have no idea what a tax attorney does. They all think we just file tax returns all day. It's all in the name. You think tax, and all the average person thinks of is April 15th. There are so many other tax issues out there, however. For example, estate tax returns, which are filed nine months after a person dies. International tax, both at the individual and corporate level, determining the best way to structure a sale or purchase of real estate, a business, issuing stock, forming entities, minimizing tax exposure on transactions and determining what the law is so that the CPA - the one handling your tax return - knows what the law is so he or she can plug in the correct numbers. The only times I can think of that I ever prepared a tax return, it was either for myself, a special client or circumstance, or for amended returns in anticipation, or during, a tax audit.

A Solution

I may have found the perfect solution to my ultimate dilemma - how to have a private journal.

I love my blog because it allows me to share parts of my life with my friends and the world at large. However, there are certain aspects of my life that I prefer to keep private. It's nothing personal.... Well actually, it is, that's the point. It's all rather personal. I used to keep my journal in email form but then when my computer or hard drive crashed, I lost my journal. I then switched to this online format, but it's not really sufficient, not for the private aspects of my life. Hence, I've been keeping a written journal to supplement.

I like the ability of blogs to organize everything by dates, and in some cases categories. I like the convenience of being able to access and update them from anywhere. I appreciate the fact that I can type, cut and past, and more efficiently edit my entries as I go. I think through typing, and so it is much easier for me to commit a collection of thoughts through typing than through writing. At the same time, sometimes, all I have is a pen and paper.

I don't like the idea, however, of having to worry about who has access to my life. Even if I kept a Live Journal and locked it down so it could only be read by my friends - I'm not sure who has the rights to my writing. I'm not sure how secure the system is, and I'm not sure what would happen to it if Live Journal got a cyber attack or just shut down. It's not stable. It seems like everyone is able to find people private information in today's society and I would prefer to protect the parts I want to protect.

I wanted a journal that could fit on a flash drive so that I didn't have to worry about computers crashing. I could have it on the computer, but I wanted to be able to back it up and use it off of a flashdrive - this would also allow me to take it and use it more places. I wanted something I could password protect. It would be nice if it could interface with blogs, download previous posts and upload others. Categories would be a delicious ingredient, as would the ability to integrate written posts with typed ones. Oh, and I'd like it to be cheap.

My initial search did not yield many exciting results. All of them were expensive and none of them offered exactly what I wanted. But then I found This. I have to say, this program seems to have absolutely everything I could possibly want in a journal. It even integrates voice posting. I can't imagine anything better and at such a low price - especially considering all of its features.

Are any of you familiar with this program?

Cycling

I have another working theory, and this one should not piss you off any conservatives. Well ... hopefully it won't. I repeat, this is a working theory only. It's just sort of been playing around in my head.

Some people go through life and can completely live in denial or whatever and cope with it. Like a lifetime alcoholic or a girl that stays in troubled relationships all her life because it's too much work to get out. Others, can't. They live in almost a dichotomy as they know something is leaving them unsatisfied but can't seem to put their finger on what. I think it's a search for their own inner peace. Often, I believe, the period after a breakup is a very good time for introspection and self-analysis, but few take advantage of this opportunity as it is easier to substitute. It's easier to not have to deal with the hurt and the pain and the rest. It's easier to avoid. I know because I do it a lot.

I think everyone has the potential to learn and grow and I think there are road signs along the way that say, "Hey look" but I think it's a question of desire, and an ability to recognize what you are seeing. A person has to see the road signs in order for them to actually have an impact. I knew a woman that could claim, and genuinely believe, that her husband never beat her children while not 100 feet away, her husband was beating her children. There has to be a recognition of a problem before anything can possibly ever change, and even once the problem is recognized and the person decides to start down a new path, it's easy to turn back around, often easier than continuing down this path less traveled, as you know the other path much better than the new one.

Safety is a confusing concept. We find safety and comfort in those things that are familiar. Even the things that may be better for us may prove initially unacceptable because they are different and feel uncomfortable, like new shoes. Avoiding an intimate relationship with a person you are in love with can, for some, be much less comfortable than to be in a relationship with someone you only half-way care about. The stakes are lower. To ask a person to do something entirely different, can be about the equivalent of asking someone to never use their left arm again.

Everyone is individual and unique. All will be touched by different events in different ways, and will cope with such occurrences in different ways. Perspective is the fundamental key to understanding. So long as person does not believe that anything is wrong, nothing is wrong. The woman that didn't believe her husband beat her children, my friend who convinces herself everyday that her significant other no longer uses - even when he's lied about repeatedly in the last month, the alcoholic on his fifth bottle of scotch that night, and the battered woman who has just endured and accepted the third punch of the evening, are all walking down their paths and perceive things as ok or they feel that there is just no other way, and so long as one believes this, they are right because it's their reality.

Adventures in Dating

"You should date more."

"No, really, I'm good."

"But happiness is found through dating and finding that special someone."

"I'm done searching for now. Maybe that special someone should get up off their ass and come find me. What I have to do all the work? Since when did I have to fall for some lazy-ass? Besides, some of the happiest friends I have are of the single variety."

People sometimes wonder why I don't date more. So I thought I would give a description of a recent second date that I had. The first date was good. Not great. Not earth shattering. Not, "oh my God this is amazing." But good. So good that we decided we should make plans for a second date. She wanted to do a weekend matinee. Knowing that she liked breakfast, I suggested maybe a brunch followed by a movie, but she declined, reasoning that she enjoyed her sleep time, but then deciding that she wanted to see a movie at 1:00. Weird, brunch is at 1:00. Whatever. Later, when I found the showtime for the movie we wanted to see was at 3:00 she suggested we do lunch and then the movie. Ok, it was just as good when I suggested that two days ago, but I'm sure it sounds better coming from your lips.

The place she selected for lunch evidently closed and so I suggested we go to another place I knew she liked, Stir Crazy. We had a 25 minute wait and the restaurant is in a mall so she wanted to walk around. I mentioned that I had to go to Abercrombie and Fitch to buy a gift card for the partner's daughter. However, it turned out the store was on the far end of the mall and would have just been a hassle. She wanted to go to Crate and Barrel, which was right there, and look at pillows. Cool. Next she needed to look at shoes at the Footlocker.

We sat down to eat about 20 minutes later. However, she wasn't making eye contact with me, wasn't really asking me anything about me; it was really all about her.

"Are you tired?"

"No. Why?"

"You just seem to be a little out of it."

"No. I'm good. Actually, you seem to be really out of it."

"Hmm, I feel fine. I did wake up at 4:30 this morning, but otherwise, I'm good."

"Maybe we shouldn't do this."

"Hmmm?"

"I don't want to deal with this awkwardness. Maybe we should just not do this before it gets bad."

"It's going to get bad?"

"Well not bad. Look I have a really good friend in from out of town and I'd much rather go hang out with them than sit here having an awkward moment with someone that follows me into Crate and Barrel."

"Would you have rather I had waited outside?"

"Dating shouldn't be about this. It should be fun and laughing and it should be about going into Crate and Barrel to pick out pillows or going to find new shoes or any missions!"

"But ... you wanted to go to Crate and Barrel and to pick out shoes. These were your ideas."

"I don't want to do this."

She stormed out of the restaurant.

Nice.

Guts and Balls

I thought this was funny.

We've all heard about people having guts or balls, but do you really know the difference between them? In an effort to keep you informed, the definition of each is listed below.

GUTS - is arriving home late after a night out with the guys, being assaulted by your wife with a broom, and having the guts to ask, "Are you still cleaning or are you flying somewhere?"

BALLS - is coming home late after a night out with the guys smelling of perfume and beer, lipstick on your collar, slapping your wife on the ass and having the balls to say, "You're next!"

He's Got a Great Personality

Stephanie was talking about The Myers Briggs Test today, which is ironic because I've been thinking about it for a week now. Anyway, I went ahead and took it and ended up testing the same today as I did back when I was in undergrad; I am still an ENTJ (only 2% of the population is this type, or so they say).

Strength of the preferences %

Extroverted 44
Intuitive 50
Thinking 12
Judging 44

You are:

* moderately expressed extrovert
* moderately expressed intuitive personality
* slightly expressed thinking personality
* moderately expressed judging personality

I honestly have no idea what it means. I did know one psychologist that had every one of his patients take the exam when they began treatment. He thought it helped him predict or understand their coping mechanisms and personalities better and quicker I guess. However, I have never actually been told to take the test. I have always taken it of my on volition. I was, however, made to take another personality exam by a potential employer (an attorney no less). In fact, I think I still have a pdf of the exam results on my computer - if it ever works again. It was the strangest requirement I had ever encountered. He paid the $50.00 for me to take it, though.

Oh well. These things are always interesting, even if I have no idea what exactly they mean, or what sort of impact they really should have on my life.

The Machine, She No Work

I pushed the button, waiting for the phosphorous glow to shine upon my face and the mysteries of the world to be revealed to my eyes, and nothing happened. Huh? I pushed it again. Nothing. Weird. Wiggle the plug. Nope. Battery is fully charged too. (To add insult to injury, as I hunted for a screwdriver to try and determine the culprit, my old cell phone fell out of my closet and broke the glass I was carrying.)

The next day led to comparison pricing. I was not in the mood to spend over a thousand dollars for a new one. This really sucked. However, there was a light at the end of the tunnel. Dell has a repair depot, and they flat rate the repairs at $199 (including shipping and a big fat 90 day warranty), unless the motherboard or monitor is broken, then it's $498). Talk about unexpected costs, but I was not in the mood for spending a thousand dollars on a new one so I opted for the half price deal.

My friend got a new job doing sales and marketing. I think he'll be making more than I do in a year, and he didn't have to go to law school either. What's wrong with this picture? I think I should make more, or I should go into sales and marketing, one of the two.

Late Night Confessions

Her children were elsewhere in the voluminous house, finishing their homework.

"You know just before I met my husband, I dated a man that was sweet, loving, and caring. I end up married to a man that won't show me a drop of emotion without me exerting an ocean of effort." She had a forlorn look across her face, absolute agony threatened to escape.

"Why did you breakup with him?"

"He wanted a commitment; he wanted a family. He was ready and I just wasn't. I couldn't give him what he wanted, so I left him. By the time I was ready, he had already found a woman, a really great woman. He has children now, and is very happy. Now and again he calls me." She swallowed. Regret and acceptance in her eyes.

"Wow. I never knew."

"You know my husband once got angry with me and said, 'You still love him don't you?'. To which I replied, 'Well of course I still love him. I am with you and I am faithful to you but there will always be a part of me that loves him and you're just going to have to accept it.' It was never really discussed again."

Hammer and Nails

Soon I will be J, The Builder.

My only friends in the area are all moving, mostly owing to career changes. One has an abusive boss and she figured that seeing she was going to quit anyway, might as well move to D.C. or New York. Another had a boss that needed to have a life changing operation, from which she may never recover, and when the boss left, the office closed. A third will be finishing school in May and will likely move home. My friends are not only dwindling, they're almost non-existent, and as I have described before, my career does not exactly lend itself to meeting people my own age. Maybe I really should get a part time job at Barnes and Noble.

In any event, I decided to join Habitat for Humanity. I am not sure if my local chapter will have many people my own age but at least I will be getting out there and meeting people and giving back a little more. Besides I have very little experience with construction of any kind (other than landscaping) so maybe I can learn a thing or two. It could be a complete waste and I may wash out in the first month, but I've got to try something to meet people.

In the meantime, I still have plenty of books to read, places to go, movies to see, pictures to take, a gym that has missed me, networking functions to attend, and a job that keeps me busy. So I shouldn't be too bored. I suppose sometimes, it's not about boredom, but about loneliness. The quiet can be good for the introspection it affords, assuming you don't gnaw your arm off from boredom.

What's in Your Wallet

This is such a cool thing. Ok, well maybe I'm the only person that will think this is cool at all but there is a Website that allows you to track your money. Ok, so it sounds really nerdy and geeky. ... Ok, it is really nerdy and geeky, but by entering the serial number off of a dollar bill, you can figure out where your money has been, and then you can continue to track it after it leaves you hands. This is sort of like a message in a bottle or tied to a balloon or whatever, except easier.

Additionally, according to the little blurb I read about it, researchers have been able to use this data to compile a highly accurate model of human travel, which, in turn, has been key to understanding the way that diseases spread. Alright, so now it's even geekier, but it's still such a cool concept. I already added the two $1 bills in my wallet to the database, and plan on checking more of them in the future.

Checks and Balances

The history of America has certain themes running through it. One is the constant pendulum swing regarding regulation (more on this perhaps in another post). The concept of "checks and balances" was one of the central themes of our Founding Fathers in creating the republic that we have today was.

The people that initially crafted our government had recently come over from Europe and were casting off the yoke of an oppressive monarchy - where the national government controlled everything. It is then not so surprising that they would want to create a government perhaps as different from this as possible, one where the local governments knew best how to tax and spend, and had the majority of the power. However, this turned out to be an utter failure. We couldn't raise money for a proper militia even to defend our new country, which had numerous enemies to be sure. Hence, it was decided that we needed a new system, and thus was born the Constitution.

The U.S. Constitution was a power grab by the federal government to take the power back. It was clear to them that all of the power could not be vested in the States. However the Framers and the States were concerned about the federal government ever having too much power. Hence, two things happened. One, the Framers promised that there would be a Bill of Rights attached to the Constitution, which would protect certain fundamental State rights. Second, the idea of checks and balances was implemented.

The theory was, and continues to be, that every governing body will want to grab as much political power for itself as possible within the system. Congress can legislate, but it needs the Courts to agree that its legislation is permitted under the Constitution (which was passed by the States), and it requires the Executive branch to enforce its laws. Even with that fundamental tension, there was also the idea that each branch would make certain power grabs, therefore no single branch would ever become too powerful, and this was proven to be true. See Marbury v. Madison (incidentally, John Marshall was a genius).

We are now crossing into an insteresting time where all three branches of the federal government will be dominated by a single party, which is good if you happen to be from that party and agree with all of its philosophies, and otherwise, it may not be deemed to be so good. However, the political party placed in power is a little different than what has existed historically. Generally, the Republican party was about reduced federal spending, allowing for a reduction in taxes, and less legislation - more laissez fair. This was often considered good by the States, corporations, and any one that thought the government was wasting "their" money. However, for the last several years, the Republicans have been spending like it was going out of style, reducing taxes, and increasing federal legislation (as it relates to privacy and "family" issues).

Ordinarily, there would be a certain limit to how much political ideology could ever be infused into federal law, as there are checks and balances and no single branch, and not even two individual branches, of the federal government could ever change anything too dramatically. However, as I said, the times they are a changing. Soon all three branches of the government will be dominated by the same political party, or by people with a very similar political philosophy.

Over time, the rights secured by the Bill of Rights, the thing that was added to the Constitution to get many of the States to actually adopt the Constitution to begin with, has been abbreviated and abridged by the same people that have the philosophy that State's rights need to be protected. However, the States have not really protested because the protections which have been abbreviated more relate to individual rights and freedoms. (Refer to the line of cases interpreting the 4th Amendment through today. You can start with Weeks v. United States. However, it has also been reducing the ability of Congress to legislate, as it shrinks the power granted to it under the Commerce Clause. See Gibbons v. Ogden, Swift v. United States, and Lopez v. United States. Again, this is only bad if you disagree with it.

The Court is often accused of being "activist" when it does anything contrary to what the Republican party deems appropriate. However, the Constitution was meant to be a living document and to be interpreted. Some people are more "strict constructionists" (often reading more "textually" into the document being interpreted) than others. "A judge who is a 'strict constructionist' in constitutional matters will generally not be favorably inclined toward claims of either criminal defendants or civil rights plaintiffs, —the latter two groups having been the principal beneficiaries of the Supreme Court's 'broad constructionist' reading of the Constitution." (William H. Rehnquist in a memo to Richard Nixon about Supreme Court nominees). However, the Constitution is not always very clear. The idea was that this document would be the governing law for hundreds of years and the needs of the people and thegovernmentt would inevitably change over time. Hence, the document needed to be broad enough to cover the "What ifs".

For example, the right to privacy, the right to use contraception, the idea that seperatee but equal" is inherently unequal, the right to equal protection for all classes under federal law, are not rights or concepts specifically enumerated under the Constitution. These things were read into it by the Court. The Court determines the breadth of the fundamental protections and the powers of Congress to legislate and whether the Executive branch has exceeded its scope. Every Court interprets and "makes" law.

We now get to the new Supreme Court nominee, who will most likely be confirmed very soon by a Congessional vote that is expected to be directly down party lines. Samuel Alito will be placed onto a Court that already has a strong philosophy geared toward Republican ideals. It is why he was nominated for Supreme Court Justice. Anyone that says politics should not play a part in whether or not a Justice is placed on the Bench is kidding themselves, as so much of the appointment comes down to politics to begin with, and both Republicans and Democrats do it.

When Alito is confirmed, the Republican party will effectively have control over the Congress, the Executive branch (presidency), and the Court - all three branches of power. Thus, greatly reducing the checks and balances that were imagined by our Founding Fathers. This is not a bad thing unless you happen to disagree with any of the Republican philosophies, or happen to believe that checks and balances are always a good thing to have. The fight over the Court seems to be rather muted, which strikes me as ironic as this is likely going to be one of the most long lasting legacies left by the Republican Party on our Country, as these are lifetime appointments and the Court will have the ability to interpret whether a Congress or President of a different ideology has overstepped its bounds.

The thing that shocks me most of all is I have heard next to nothing about abortion, civil, or equal rights activists protesting this appointment. (I thought for sure the women's rights groups would be out in force on this one.) There was such a battle to have these rights recognized under the Constitution to begin with, how could anyone be so willing now to have someone appointed to the Court that is more than likely going to help to abridge those rights further. A government with limited checks and balances is the thing that scares me more than anything. However, on that front, I am obviously in good company.

Values

People often asked me what I wanted to be when I grew up. This always resulted in a complicated mental process in my head. Some people were privileged enough (fell victim and stayed awake long enough) to hear my entire explanation. Eventually, so many people asked me, I came up with an abbreviated answer. I had picked something, but I wasn't sure it was what I wanted to do. I spent a lot of my time convincing myself it was definitely what I wanted to do, but at the end of the day, my heart just wasn't in it. Then again, my heart wasn't really in anything else.

Some people ask me today if I like my job, and I am fortunate enough to be able to honestly answer, yes, I really do. I love my job. I love being able to wake up every morning and not have to dread walking into the office. I have head hunters call me on a regular basis about new opportunities in the legal field that I may be interested in, and when they hear me describe my office, and hear how I sound about my job, they decide that I really should stay where I am.

I love my job, and I love that my commute time is nearly non-existent, but I know there is more to life than work. There are friends and loved ones. I have the interesting opportunity everyday to deal with people close to, or at, the end of their lives. I get to hear their reflections, regrets, and memories, and not a one of them doesn't hold dear the memories of their friends and loved ones. I cannot think of any that cling to all of their great work stories and anecdotes. My job may be the most fantastic thing in the world, my living arrangements may be spectacular, but they aren't my priorities. Friends, family, and loved ones have to come first because without all of them, what the hell are you doing it all for anyway.

I have friends that are struck by this notion. "You would leave, move, to be with someone? How could you possibly give up everything you have."

"How could I not? Besides, who said I was 'giving up' anything?"

My outlook on life is interesting to many because for me it is never the destination but always the company. I can go anywhere and be completely bored and disappointed, but I can also be in the most mundane place in the world with excellent company and have a fantastic time. Many of my friends do not understand this in the least. I guess we all have different priorities; different things that we value in our lives. However, at the end of people's days, everyone seems to crave the same thing.

Rant

I've been meaning to write for days now but every time I think of what I want to write, I am either not near a computer or don't have the time - or sometimes both. Additionally, a lot of what I want to write about is a rant on something ... anything. Sometimes I get so frustrated with people and society. I often feel like so few people in the world today think at all, or if they are thinking, I'm really concerned what it could be about.

This guy on the floor of my dormitory in college used to wander around getting in people's faces screaming, "You don't care." He was a really weird guy who ended up developing an ulcer after his freshman or sophomore year. This was really tragic, however, it did get him to tone back his obnoxious behavior significantly. Sometimes, though, I feel like that kid on the inside.

For example, I hate that people do not get paid enough. My friend and I came up with a theory that everyone should make $80,000.00 per year. As theories go, this one doesn't really seem too terrible. It's a nice number. Not too much, not too little. Should cover most unforeseen expenses, and would probably make life just a little bit easier. So many people I know have financial problems that contribute to their unhappiness, the breakdown of their relationships, or the necessity that they take jobs that they absolutely cannot stand, or it prevents them from doing something with their talents that would allow them to better give back to our society. For example, I wanted to work for AmeriCorps as an attorney after I finished law school, but because of my debt to income ratio, there was no way I could afford to take the job I was offered.

Teachers do not get paid enough. (I once engaged in a debate to the contrary with a teacher, but that was more because I was mad at my girlfriend at the time. I didn't know that when it all transpired, of course. I just knew that I was really annoyed and she had made a unilateral statement. The one thing I learned how to do in law school was rip apart a unilateral statement for fun and amusement. So to work I went.) We do not budget enough for our schools at all. We build parks and churches and stadiums and multi-million dollar opera houses, but we do not set aside enough for our children - you know the ones eating some of the worst food available in the U.S. on a daily basis. Mmm, school lunch does a body good.

It really bothers me when I drive around a new town, or even my own town, and I see beautiful ornate houses of worship and all sorts of governmental buildings and subsidized construction projects to make these amazing structures and then I drive by these dilapidated looking buildings with trailers as classrooms sitting outside of them. What the hell? I know the arguments for why these other buildings are more important than our schools or how they will revitalize the community - helping to generate more money for the city as a whole, and therefore generating more money for the schools. However, I just do not see it happening. Any additional money that is garnered is generally thrown into more pet projects and never makes it to the classrooms that so desperately need it.

Every teacher I know has worked their ass off to make things better for their school. Often shelling out thousands of dollars of their own money each year to make up for the gap between what they are given and what they actually need to educate our youth. All of this selflessness, generally, goes wholly unappreciated. Terrible.

The outsourcing of U.S. jobs, bugs the hell out of me. And what is the main company that has helped create this kind of culture? Well some might blame Wal-Mart, but it's more than just Wal-Mart. It's the people that shop there. However, at the point, it doesn't matter anymore. Almost all of the American manufacturers have been driven out of business.

I watched an entire documentary regarding the outsourcing of American manufacturing jobs. Wal-Mart changed the model by making it so that all of the manufacturers wanted or needed their product to be placed in Wal-Mart. As such, Wal-Mart was given the ability to tell them how much they would be allowed to charge for their products - reducing the price more and more. Eventually this had the effect of forcing manufacturers to look for cheaper labor overseas, and in some cases. In some cases, manufacturers said Wal-Mart even made the outsourcing of jobs a part of the overall deal to get their product placed in the stores.

The argument from The Cato Institute is that this outsourcing of American jobs should not be a concern because the jobs that are outsourced with better jobs. However, in a lot of the manufacturing towns that get the hardest hit, the only real jobs opening up are at the Wal-Mart's opening up, which do not often pay as much as the jobs that were outsourced.

I'll leave my rant on the U.S. Supreme Court nominee for another day.

Rumbling Within

When you've only eaten three bowls of cereal in three days, you know something must be wrong. Either that or you're trying to new Lindsay Lohan diet.

It all started Saturday afternoon. The morning was normal: gym, shopping, cleaning, organizing, etc., but my stomach was not amused by any of it. By late afternoon, it had shut down and refused to speak nicely to me any more. Soon I was running a fever, had a headache that just wouldn't quit and could barely move. I felt like I had been to Mexico, without enjoying the really good tequila. How unfair is that?

Sunday did not bring any relief, as my stomach remained on strike and my body was still shaking with the chills, forcing me to call in sick at 4AM on Monday morning, as I knew there was no way things were going to improve that dramatically in two hours. I did, eventually, force myself to eat cereal yesterday.

Today things aren't tremendously better as I'm dizzy, probably owing to my lack of food, and my stomach continues to make grumpy sounds at me.

For the life of me, I cannot think of what brought this on, as I hadn't eaten anything before this all started. In fact, the only thing I had ingested that morning was some water from the water fountain at the gym. So maybe my gym is like a little Mexico. All I know is that I will be very happy when I have my next full meal again.

Surprise, I'm Movin' Out

It was completely unexpected. I saw myself having nothing but a weekend of boring times ahead of me. A weekend of cleaning, straightening, and ironing out the kinks in my life. Then suddenly the invitation was extended, "Do you want to come see Movin' Out with us; we have an extra ticket?" Are you kidding? Do you know how much I love Billy Joel? Of course I want to go.

All I can say is Amazing. The dancing was just so impressive. There was such control in their movements and such absolute beauty. I continually asked myself, how much practice and training was involved in getting to this point in their careers. Plus, it was all set to the music of Billy Joel. Such an awesome way to spend a night. I had been wanting to go to a show that much fun for awhile, and then to be able to go to one unexpectedly, for free, and sit in the front row - so awesome.

I also managed to see an art show and take my friend out to dinner for her birthday and then have dinner the next night with some of her family. Plus, I found the time to experiment with my camera some more. Overall, it was a very filled weekend and much more fun than I had ever expected.

Y'all Ready for This

I'm often not ready to hear it. I know I asked for it. I know they are probably right, but I'm just not ready to hear it. But they tell me because I asked, and they know I will never hold it against them. Besides, usually, in the end, I end up understanding and accepting it.

I once explained a situation I was having to one of my best friends. She has always taken really good care of me and has looked out for me a lot. She's like my older sister, which I've never had. Her response was as follows:

"Sounds like she is immature and needs to figure this out on her own. I felt the same way about a guy I was dating once, and I just was not ready to accept a "nice" guy. It took me a while and finally I had to accept myself first before I could accept a "nice" guy. I don't think you should have to wait around for her to get to that point and by the time she is there, she probably still won't be able to accept you as the "nice" guy she finally goes for.

"Not the thought you want to hear, but I think it is better to be alone, than to be wrapped up in an unhealthy relationship. Some girls never come around and like to be treated like this always! My sister is a prime example!"

Today I received a phone call from another "prime example". She wanted to know if she should go back with the guy that screwed her over three other times, and how she could get the guy that hasn't called her back in a week to show her some attention.

"Well if he showed you attention, you wouldn't be interested would you?"

"No."

"So really, this guy is a genius, and is playing the game perfectly because, after all, you love a challenge. If this guy were just nice to you and called you back, you would think, 'Why is he calling me back? He must be desperate.'"

"Yeah.... I'm so tired of the game."

"Well, when you really get tired of it, you will stop dating the guys that treat you poorly for the challenge of trying to make them act differently and start looking for one that treats you well. However, I don't envision that happening right away, as you clearly can't stop thinking of the guy that hasn't called you back yet."

Festivities for the 05 Switch to 06

New Year's Eve was great. I went out with my best friend and her boyfriend. We went out to this family type event that was pretty boring, actually. They had an ice skating rink for the kids and a one hundred foot tree, as well as other various items of interest. We missed the fireworks display, however, because we were too busy toasting the new year inside the friendly neighborhood drinking establishment we discovered. I also made friends with the bartender and we got at least three rounds, including a small bottle of champagne for $20.00. Good times. (Incidentally, although I characterize the festivities as less than exciting, I did find out that two people got shot there that night. So I suppose it wasn't that tame.)

New Year's Day evening was also quite fun, as I found myself at my favorite piano/comedy club with at least 50 Penn State fans. Oh the madness that ensued. At one point, all the women had to flash the bar. Unfortunately, my friend's girlfriend didn't want him seeing any other woman's breasts. So she got right up next to him, and as a consequence me, and flashed him ... and me. It sucked, not because she isn't hot, but because she's my friend's girlfriend and there were all those young Penn State women I was hoping to see. Alas, you have to take what you can get ... er ... see.

I love my camera. I'm still learning how to use it, but I have to say that it is pretty much the coolest thing ever ... well maybe not as cool as an Acura with sunroof and XM satellite radio, but I ain't gonna complain. It's so cool to be able to take a picture and immediately see the results. I definitely need to travel more so that I can take more pictures.

Ending?

I have a 19 year old friend. She has an amazing body and is really nice, but man is her love life a train wreck.

At 9:21 last night, as I was growing impatient waiting for a phone call to be returned and cursing myself for having feelings for a woman, I received a text message from my friend. "He cheated on me..."

While this was upsetting news and I was extremely sorry to hear it, I was somewhat relieved, as I now had something to focus my attention on, other than my phone that was clearly not going to ring. Immediately, I phoned her. "What happened?"

"Well on New Year's Eve, we got into a big fight and I broke up with him and said I didn't want to see him anymore and to go call his skanky ass ex, and I guess he did. He didn't tell me about it, though. She did. She's lied about things in the past to try and break us up, but I know she is telling me the truth this time because she knew things that she could not have known about our fight and about a love letter she wrote him and where it was in his apartment." (She had snuck into his apartment in the still of the night to find the alleged letter exactly as described, and to find his apartment mysteriously clean.)

"But he wrote me this letter explaining what happened. It all makes sense when I read his letter." (His letter says that his ex, who would do anything to get him back, had come over and started cleaning his apartment and wouldn't leave. Not wanting my friend - who is also his neighbor - to think he was doing anything with her, he had left his ex at his apartment and went to his mother's place and his friend's. That's how the place had become mysteriously cleaned, and I guess the love letter was just planted.) "Well, ok, maybe I just want it to make sense. I care about him. I want to believe."

"You aren't Mulder."

"What should I do?"

"Are you serious? This is awesome. This guy is 32 years old, is dating a hot little 19 year old, cheating on her and she's calling me trying to figure out what she should do? This guy is a genius."

"Well when you put it that way, it sounds kind of terrible."

As we talk, the pieces start falling into place. He has been doing cocaine, and his friends and ex do cocaine. He's just recently back from rehab, after he got fired from his last job for failing a drug test - claiming it was just marijuana, but who knows. She likes him because he treats her badly and this is more of a challenge than some guy that is just nice to her. "In fact, if he just does what I tell him to do, I totally don't respect him. The worse he treats me, the more I want him." She could be the poster child for the majority of women I have dated or liked in my life. "You should just be an asshole to women from now on, J. That's what we like. It sounds fucked up, and it probably is, but it's the truth."

"You cannot stay with him. I mean, you can, but not only is he dishonest, he's a drug addict. You used to do drugs, you know how destructive they are. It's going to tear apart everything. However, I know you are going to stay."

"He's not an addict. He's only ever done coke the three times I caught him." (They've been dating about three months. Better still, he's been speaking of proposing to her. Scarier still, she would accept.)

"How do you know?"

"I can tell."

"You don't even know who is sleeping with and you're trying to tell me you know when he is doing drugs?"

"I know. I just want to make the right decision, but I don't think I'm strong enough to make the right decision. I didn't used to be like this. I used to date decent guys. I swear, women all start out good, and then we get our hearts broken and we end up as damaged goods."

"I'm told some women grow out of it."

"I sure hope I grow out of this."

Another call comes through on her end. I wait as she checks call waiting. "J, it's my best friend. She says if I don't talk to her right now, she is going to call her loser ex and she doesn't want to do that. Let me call you back."

"Good luck."

So at 1:09 in the morning, I received a follow-up phone call. She had conclusive proof of who had been lying to her. My question to all of you is, do you think it was the cocaine addict ex girlfriend who is extremely jealous and would stop at practically nothing to get her man back or was it the drug addict boyfriend, recently out of rehab, and swearing that he is trying to turn his life around?

I'll give you a hint - she was taking him back.

The End of 2005

Here it comes, kids. The big ball is gonna drop and the New Year will be brought in with a bang. I'd make the effort to throw in some sexual innuendos here but as I re-read my last sentence, I've decided society has done a plenty good job of that as it is.

My year has been a little more than full. I've dated many women, started a new job that I still enjoy coming to everyday, moved across the State, experienced tremendous heartache and great joys, made some blogging buddies that refuse to let me quit, and grew more as a person, gaining a better understanding of myself, while realizing that I still have much to learn.

This year, I will be spending New Year's with one of my best friends. The story of us is rather convoluted. I suppose that's unavoidable when the person is the object of a bet. It's ok, though, because this story has a very happy ending. She and I had plenty of late nights of drinking, philosophizing, me honing my massaging skills on her neck, back, and feet, parties, studying, and everything in between. All of that and we never kissed. I suppose the story was convoluted enough as it was; why confuse it any further. I also get to see her boyfriend again, which I am happy about because he's the first guy she has dated that I have actually liked.

Even better, it's another three day weekend. Three days of not working is always appreciated, especially when alcohol and friends are likely to be involved.

I got my digital camera today. It looks so cool. I immediately want to travel and start taking pictures. Perhaps I should throw a dart at the map and go wherever destiny decides, or maybe Kiki is right and I should just go meet some cool mid-Western girls. I've heard exceptionally good things. Besides, they shouldn't be deprived of my amazing company. (Can you feel ego?) Either way, I am very happy that it arrived just in time for the big bang.

Shopping and Women

I did it. I bit the bullet and bought myself a digital camera. Not only that, but through shopping on CNET, I found it for about $50 less than in any store, and I didn't have to pay any tax or shipping. So I am pretty happy. Plus, no store in the area has any more in stock. (I guess it must have been a popular holiday gift.) I figure I need a camera for my impending European tour. So far, I plan on going to Germany, Italy, and maybe Greece. I'm told Amsterdam is nice too, but we shall see. I'm opting out of France because it's been done to death.

I am still speaking with my ex. We tried not speaking, but it pretty much sucked. It was the least fun thing we had ever done together. She and I just have too much fun talking and spending time together to stop. It's weird. I guess the thing is that we did not breakup because we didn't like each other or enjoy one another's company. In fact, we rarely even argued. The problem is that we also did not breakup because we were no longer attracted to one another. So it is confusing. Hopefully, it will work out. I think the hardest thing would be if one of us started dating someone else anytime soon. That would probably be exceptionally awkward, but that's too far off for me to think about right now, hopefully. It is always hard to convert a lover to a friend, but we both think it is worth it and are both willing to work at it, and I've successfully done it before. So it's worth a shot. Besides, some of my closest friendships involved lots of work.

Personally, I want to take a year off from dating. I'm so tired of women and their drama, and it impacting my life. I'm told there are good women out there, but I just do not seem to meet them. Or maybe I'm not attracted to them. Maybe I have a subconscious desire to seek out women with drama. Maybe they remind me of my mother. Hard to say really, and so rather than question it or send too much time thinking about it, I've decided I should just take a break from it. Oh, avoidance, how I love you so. Maybe date here and there, but no relationships. Time and space.

I bought $50 worth of handmade chocolates for the office staff. They're pretty happy about the whole thing. Although, they are all rather concerned that they are going to get fat. I think I work with the thinnest office staff ever. It's so funny. In most offices I have worked in, the women were ... large. However, they are all rather health conscious in this one. Now if only they were younger and single. Yeah, just what I need, find a way to add more drama to my life with an office romance.

Christmas Planning and Beyond

I leave tomorrow for the wonderfully freezing land of Orlando - to spend Christmas with my best friend and his family. It's good to have friends. It's even better to have friends within a more reasonable proximity of you, but I'll take what I can get and the rest will follow in time, I'm sure. It shouldn't actually be too cold this weekend. It's supposed to warm up to about 75 in Orlando this weekend. So it should be bearable during the day, but with nights in the 40's and 50's, brrrr.

I am working on planning a trip to Europe this spring. One of my friends went to Europe right after breaking up with her boyfriend. She decided Europe would be a good place to recover from everything and get a better perspective on her life. I just have been planning on going to Europe for two years now and have never seemed to find the right time. Usually, the plans are made to incorporate the girl I am dating at the time. Then we breakup and I am left with useless plans. However, this time, I'm planning for just myself and maybe a friend (if I can find one that wants to go). I figured it was either go to Europe or buy an Acura TSX. I figure the Acura can wait a year. Vienna has waited long enough.

Even though her timing was terrible, I am glad that my ex did have the courage to tell me how she was feeling, rather than just running away again. I hope that we somehow manage to salvage a friendship out of it, in the future. I'm not sure it will really work, though. She seems to have issues with relationships of any kind with guys. No telling, but at least we parted on decent terms.

I hope everyone has a safe and wonderful holiday weekend, and that you all eat entirely too much.

Bird with a Buzz

Below I have lifted an article from the newspaper here, The Sun-Sentinel. It was just too funny to pass up.

SARASOTA -- A bird with a buzz found in a Central Florida family's Christmas tree is getting ready to go back into the wild, news partner NBC 6 reported.

The little screech owl was found in the tree, which the family had kept for five days before deciding to decorate it.

Animal control officers from Pelican Man's Bird Sanctuary came to get the owl, and said they smelled a strange odor on it when they did.

"Curiously enough, the owl's feathers smelled very, very potently like marijuana," said Jeff Dering, of the sanctuary. "They examined the owl, looked at its eyes, ... and the owl was, in the vernacular, stoned."

Blood tests confirmed the owl's drug state.

Sanctuary staff checked the bird out, fed him and named him "Cheech." They said he would be released in a few days.

The buzzing bird also brought an early holiday gift to the sanctuary, which was in need of more than $250,000. The attention the bird has brought has helped ensure the sanctuary's survival.

Cell Phone Woes

Ever since Hurricane Wilma hit, I have been having significant issues with using my cell phone where I live. If I travel ten (or in some cases two) miles away in any direction, my reception is perfect. However, from my apartment, my gym, one side of the grocery store (I don't make this stuff up people), all my usual haunts, my phone hasn't been working. For the first several months, I would receive the annoying message that the network was busy. Now it's even worse, as it looks like it is working: I will have full bars; it will attempt to dial; it will do everything you expect a phone to do, and then it will say that I don't have any service. Weird. Weirder still, if I leave my phone lying out in my apartment now, it will die within two hours.

I have spent weeks on the phone with Sprint PCS, explaining my problem, going to the store, being transferred to everyone and their mother. I was even sent a new phone just to shut me up. Two months, and I still don't have phone service. Then two days ago, I got the secret number. I learned that they could report problem tickets and get things fixed. Hooray. Later that night, they called me to let me know that the problem ticket had been issued and the techs had identified the problem. "Great. How long until it is fixed?" "Oh, we don't know that." "Huh?"

Eventually, the representative told me she would check on the ticket for an update and call me back the next day, yesterday. She did just as she said. However, there was still no update, and when I inquired further she confessed that the techs had not really identified the problem, they just acknowledged that there was a problem. She went on to promise to get back to me today.

I'm not sure I can take it anymore, though. How hard could it possibly be to fix this? I mean, two months?? Really? I suppose I could get a land line, but it's just more expensive, and I have to pay for installing a phone that I will only ever use until my cell phone works again. Of course, the question remains - how long will that be.

I know that Sprint is not the greatest. I've had my fair share of issues with them in the past, and I could go ahead and get a new cell phone, with a new company and a new contract. However, in some respects I can't afford to give up my plan. A few years ago I wanted to terminate my Sprint usage. They sent me to their "Retentions Department" - which has since been discontinued, and they gave me the best plan ever. I have been to every carrier, periodically, to ask them if they can match it and they all tell me I'm really lucky and to keep my Sprint account. Plus, I don't have a contract.

T-Mobile seems to have serious issues here when there is a storm, and given that we seem to be getting plenty of them lately, I wouldn't necessarily want to go in that direction. Verizon seems to have the best network around, but they are pricey, and I cannot get their night and weekend minutes to start before 9PM. Whereas, with Sprint, I can get them to start at 6. Six is so much earlier than nine. I even thought of going prepaid, but they nail you on the phone cost.

There really is no great solution.

Pass The Potatoes

"She's getting married."

"Really? That's great. I should call and congratulate her; it's what she's always wanted."

"Err ... you're not supposed to know."

"Oh. Well I guess this means I don't have to get her a gift."

I later related this situation to one of my friends.

"She's what?!"

"Yeah. Isn't that cool?"

"Wow."

"How long have they been dating?"

"I guess 3 or 4 months."

"Wow."

"Good times."

What is the Meaning of This??

"So you're saying I should keep blogging just for you?"

"Now you're getting it."

The problem for me and blogging lately is that more and more of my life is becoming unfit for public consumption. It is difficult to talk about my life and times while still omitting the parts of it that I wish to remain private. This being said, it is also hard for me to begin my emailing crusade to all of my friends again as well. For I don't know exactly where I want to start. For those of you that still might be reading, I do have a couple interesting items to relate:

Last week I received a resume for the receptionist position we are trying to fill *again*. It came complete with a head shot and reassurances that the applicant was presently functioning as president of her own company and had created the online store front for said company. Hmmm.... I decided to investigate. Just as I suspected, it's a porn site. Good times. We could never hire her, though; Christmas parties would never be the same.

I was informed that several students, at the university I teach at, wanted a pro rata rebate of their tuition, to cover classes that were cancelled and never made up as a result of Hurricane Wilma. Now, mind you, I had been told by the University that if I could cover all the material, I did not have to make up the classes. However, the school did not want to have to refund any money and as I hadn't made up one of the classes - I had to hold a make up class, after the students had already completed the final exam, *and* give them an extra credit assignment.

You're kidding. What in the world should I assign? There were so many administrative difficulties, as I knew a number of the students were not going to be able to attend the make up class at all, and some would be out of town until the end of the year. Moreover, the finals were terrible. I mean, simply dreadful. Who knew so many people could not commit a coherent thought to paper?

I decided to assign a volunteer opportunity. Volunteer with one of these charitable organizations (like Habitat for Humanity) before the end of the year, and receive up to an additional 10 points (a full letter grade) on the final exam. It seemed fair. However, I have been getting emails from one student in particular, complaining that this assignment completely exceeds the scope of what I can assign for extra credit.

Oh, and the make up class that I was forced to hold, had a total of one attendee - one of my best students. Ridiculous.

Impact

Blogging has actually made me more private. I look at many of my earlier posts and realize that I used to be much more willing to share the private and more intimate moments of my life with the world at large, when I felt no one was reading or judging me. However, over time, I have learned that throwing all of that out there really is just not for me. The private and intimate things of my life now sit in a written journal in my apartment.

However, I have also found that I have become more private outside the world of blog. Many of the things I normally would have shared with my friends through a weekly email, now go unmentioned, as I do not send out the weekly emails anymore - what with my blogging and all. It is odd to me to think that these friends that normally would have known the status of my life no longer know it, and the reason that they don't know it is so that I can share the less intimate aspects of my life with the general public. However, I started this blog to be a journal - not to share my life with the general public. But the two go hand in hand. You cannot have one without the other - for better or worse.

Someone recently asked the following question to her readers: "What makes you keep on blogging?" As I read through the responses, I started really thinking about the question and I thought, Hell, I have no fucking idea. I blog out of habit. I blog because I have been doing it now for months and it's just become sort of a hobby. It gives me a reason to sit down and write about me and my life (but not all of my life). It gives me a chance to share random tidbits and thoughts with whomever feels like reading about them.

However, I see that my purpose in having a blog has morphed - mostly out of necessity. My blog is no longer a complete journal for me. It is now my forum, to spout off any meaningless drivel I happen to feel is worthy that particular day. It no longer is an effective means of keeping my friends informed on my life, as there are so many aspects of my life that I cannot share through blog. It truly is, more than anything, a hobby that I have kept out of habit - the same way I still catch myself looking at coins, on occasion, after having collected them during my childhood. It is a hobby and an exercise in writing. However, it does not exactly fulfill the goals that I initially began it for. For example, if I were to write an update on my Thanksgiving Holiday, so much would be omitted, as to completely obviate the entire reason to write about the holdiay in the first place.

Frustrating Yet Rewarding

The more I thought about this little news piece I stumbled upon at BoingBoing, the more I couldn't resist posting about it. It almost made me wish I had gone ahead and started my own IT business, almost as much as when I learned that our IT guy, who is probably no older than 21, drives a top of the line Lexus. All those years of studying law, wasted.

My weekend was rather frustrating on certain levels, and rewarding on others. The frustrating part was all Christmas shopping related. I went to about six card stores, and two malls looking for presents before I gave up and went home. Normally, holiday shopping is pretty easy for me and I come up with all sorts of great gift ideas for people. This year does not seem to be going so smoothly and is frustrating me quite a bit so far.

I did, however, take my cell phone in to be looked at, as the ear piece jack has not been working, and I hate talking on my cell phone in the car without my ear piece. It leads to far too many tense situations for everyone involved. In any event, the guy at the store totally hooked me up and I will be getting a new phone very soon for practically nothing - and no I didn't have to sign a contract.

In addition, I saw Harry Potter, started Pride & Prejudice, and got practically everything I need for making a great big Thanksgiving feast - including cranberries. Although, I refuse to brine my turkey, even though I think it would be delicious. It's just too damn hot down here to keep the brine cold long enough for it to take effect. I suppose I could try doing it in a garbage bag and shove the whole concoction in a great big cooler, but I simply am not prepared to unertake such an endeavor. Perhaps next year I will try it.

Road to Recovery

Last night marked the end to my first semester of teaching future paralegals. It was rather anti-climactic. I had finished the bulk of the material the night before in a makeup session that was a bit of a fiasco, for several reasons. To start with, the school never informed my class that we would be meeting in a different classroom. However, even if it had, the room that the school assigned me for the makeup class, belonged to another class. So we were forced to spend one half hour searching for a new classroom, and eventually making friends with a nice cleaning lady who opened one for us.

Last night was mostly just for me to handout their take-home finals, which they have through the 30th to complete. There was quite a bit of nervous energy - much like I am sure there will be at 12:01AM, tonight, when the mighty Harry Potter takes to the silver screen again. I believe I will have to postpone my seeing of the young Potter lad until this weekend, however. As I am to see it with my little brother at a special screening on Saturday morning.

The remainder of my weekend should be fairly dull. I hope to finish Fletch, Too so that I can begin Pride & Prejudice (incidentally, I saw this flick the other night and really liked it), get some shopping done, and get some rest and sun. I really got into reading the Fletch novels because of Kevin Smith. As some of you know, I have somewhat of a man-crush on Kevin. It's not really all that I suppose. I mean, I almost never check the guy's blog and I hardly know what the cat is doing anymore. However, I just think he's one of the coolest writers/directors/producers/actors out there. He always seems to be either turning out a new great film or helping up and coming actors or putting out a new comic or doing something cool. In any event, he is known for his ability to craft dialogue, and he attributes his ability for this to his reading of the Fletch novels. (At one point, his next film was to be based off of a Fletch book and Jason Lee was to play the leading role. Somewhere along the line, this idea died, as did his Green Hornet, I think.) When I learned this, I decided I should try reading a Fletch book or two, as I love good dialogue. I bought every novel in the series that received a 4 or 5 star review on Amazon. So far, I have yet to be disappointed. The books are just so much fun to read.

I bought Pride & Prejudice for several reasons, not the least of which is that you can now get literary classics for about $5. I think this is the coolest thing ever. I can go and buy some of the most loved classics of all time for less than the cost of a lunch. Instead of paying three times as much and trying my luck with some new up and coming author, whose book I may end up hating. After all, one needs something to read in-between David Sedaris novels.

The new decongestant and antihistamine the doctor has me on seems to be doing its job - both in drying out my sinuses, in a slow and steady process (I wish my ear would clear) and in making me rather dizzy (one of its listed side-effects).

My Medicated Weekend

There was one other side effect to me taking prednisone that I had forgotten until this weekend. It makes me really depressed. I could not figure out what the hell was happening until it suddenly occurred to me that the same thing happened when I took it in undergrad. Good times. However, it did probably assist me in managing to sleep no less than 20 hours on Saturday! I don't think I have ever slept that much in my life. Fortunately, my time with prednisone has now come to an end. Although, I still remain rather congested. Not to worry, though, my doctor just called and they are phoning in a prescription for me as we speak. Man being sick is expensive.

My weekend did afford me some waking hours to check out some current events. I personally get annoyed, and this could be the drugs talking, with all this back and forth now about whether certain Congressmen were duped into entering the Iraq war. I cannot help thinking as I listen to it all that I knew there were no weapons of mass destruction before we invaded. How could I possibly be smarter than all of our elected officials now crying foul?

As I recall, the proponents of the war actually began their campaign for battle with the argument that democracy must be brought to the Middle East. Clearly, there was a segment of the population that thought invading Iraq was important even before the idea that weapons of mass destruction may exist over there was advanced with any insistence. However, the initial arguments for invading Iraq did not play tremendously well with the media and did not seem to foster a tremendous amount of public support. Then is was "discovered" that these weapons of mass destruction were over there and we really needed to invade now. This argument seemed to do much better. Americans got scared. Colin Powell even said, and I paraphrase, If we don't get in there now, we are fucked. I just kept thinking, the same people that wanted to go to war in the first place are the same people telling me that there are weapons of mass destruction over there now.

My senseless ramblings are about as political as I get here. If you want real political action, you should go visit Thomas's Blog. It's much more politically enthusiastic.

Disturbing Knowledge

There are certain things that happen in my everyday life that disturb me on one level or another. For example, knowing people that work in the restaurant business who tell me what goes on in the kitchens, or knowing people that cheat on their significant others on a regular basis, especially when I am friends with both parties involved.

However, one of the things that bothers me perhaps the most is just how many people do not wash their hands after using the bathroom. I always feel weird when I leave the men's room and I see the guy that just left a bathroom stall without ever visiting the sink now using those same hands to caress his lover's face, run his fingers through her hair, shake my hand, pass me the salt shaker or a roll, etc. It is disturbing.

I never really thought there were people out there that didn't wash their hands after going to the bathroom. It just made sense to me that people would want to be clean. I mean forget the fact that you just touched yourself in some unmentionable places, and even if you were to assume that your body is somehow strikingly clean and does not sully your hands in the least, what else have you touched that day? Whose hands have you shaken? How much money have you handled that day?

Granted, there are many public restrooms where you just do not want to use their sinks, simply because your hands are likely going to be dirtier after the washing process is completed than before. However, those, to me, are the exceptions to the rule, and even then, there are ways around it - using elbows and paper towels to work the faucets and open the doors.

Compounding all of this is the dilemma of what do you tell the girls you know about the grooming habits of the men they interact with everyday. For example, when your friend says, "I really like him. He's such an amazing guy." You cannot really respond, "Yeah, and he just wiped his ass before he gave you that box of chocolates."

Pick Your Poison

I finally went to the doctor's today.

"I've been sick for a month."
With eyebrow raised, "A month?"
"Yup."
"We're going to have to treat this aggressively because you have had it for so long. It sounds like bronchitis, but may be pneumonia."
Suddenly I had three prescriptions and orders to have a chest x-ray if things don't improve in 4 days. Who needs alcohol when you have prescription medications?

I think another blogger stopped blogging this weekend. It was all rather sudden.

I think I did a little too much reading about the possibility of the bird flu disease breaking out. I figure if the mad cow doesn't get me, I'm bound to get taken out by a chicken. How sad, taken out by one of my favorite things - food. It's almost as bad as getting a debilitating STD. I suppose if you are a very lonely farmer, you could get both at once. Eww.

I am supposed to have at least three dates this week. I am not really looking forward to any of them, however. I just cannot seem to "get into it". I was happy with my last girlfriend and cannot seem to work up my enthusiasm with anything new. I'm too damn picky. I can't help it, though. If I ever lower my standards, I always end up sitting there for the entire night asking, "Why am I here?" and "Will she get mad if I leave?".

I am supposed to start taking prednisone tonight. I am not such a big fan of this medicine ever since I took it in undergrad and had the most miserable hallucinations. However, I would like my head to stop feeling like it's trapped underwater.

This post should probably have an ending, but I'm too medicated and sick to think of one at present.

Home Ownership in Florida

I heard an interesting theory being discussed the other day.

The weather service organizations seem to be telling us that we are in a period during which Florida, and the Southeastern United States, as a whole, will be frequently struck by major hurricanes. This period is predicted to last for approximately another 20 to 30 years.

If you look at real estate values in Florida, the values for property in Miami were very low about 25 years ago, after it had been struck by a series of storms. The bulk of real property appreciation and building in Florida has occurred during the last 25 years. As such, it is possible that mother nature will be the driving force to keep our real property values in Florida lower and more realistic. However, there is the potential that the two or three decades of storms could drive these values below market value, and make them a great investment opportunity. This is good news for young people in Florida who are hoping to one day own their own homes.

Unfortunately, the cost of insuring real property located in Florida now has become ridiculously expensive, and this is likely only going to get worse. In Florida, private insurance companies consider many coastal properties uninsurable. In response, the State created Citizens Property Insurance Corp. to cover wind damage on those high risk properties. Unfortunately, Citizens has its own issues. Its Chief Financial Officer was forced to resign in September over reports that he had been taking kickbacks and two other executives left after it was found that they had been conducting some shady transactions. Moreover, the company was already running a deficit of $516 million from last hurricane season. It was recently recommended that Citizens needs to increase there rates by 80 percent. Ouch.

So while a young person yearning to be a home owner may be able to one day afford the home of his dreams, he may not be able to afford the cost of insuring it.