"You're just too nice." She said this as an admonishment, and with pain and distress in her voice. "You often come off, in the beginning with the veneer of mean and uncaring, but it really is just a thin veil."
A look of confusion quickly spread across his face. "I thought that's what people looked for in a relationship."
"They do. They do. I do ... or did. You just don't understand. Most women start out looking for that nice guy, that good guy. The one that we are repeatedly told is out there for us. After many false starts and lots of pain, some of us unconsciously give up in believing that he exists and no longer know what to do with him if we ever find him. Sure I could trust you, and I probably should trust you. I've known you for a while and I know the type of man you are. I just don't know how and I'm too afraid to learn. I told you, 'I have issues,' but they aren't your issues. They're mine."
"I'm really not that nice."
A snort of disbelief and dismissal followed with, "You're nicer than you'll know."
He saw the dots connecting but just couldn't believe the picture they were forming. This was so.... "You're telling me that you could never date me because I'm too nice?" This probably would have been more disconcerting information if he hadn't heard it before.
"If I dated you, I would hurt you. I wouldn't want to hurt you. I care about you tremendously. I think you're one of the most amazing guys I have ever met. I just have no way of being able to overcome myself."
"Good times."
Her mirthful laugh was quickly replaced by earnestness. "The thing that concerns me most with you is that there really aren't a lot of nice people out there, from my experience. I really wish you would be meaner. I wonder what impact others will have on you over the years. I would like to think that you will always stay this amazing guy that is so nice and sweet, but I don't envision it occurring. Already you have that cool aloof front that you put out there. I wonder who got you to erect that barrier. I worry that others' issues will cause you to have more of your own, as that's what happened to me."
She really could have cried.
A look of confusion quickly spread across his face. "I thought that's what people looked for in a relationship."
"They do. They do. I do ... or did. You just don't understand. Most women start out looking for that nice guy, that good guy. The one that we are repeatedly told is out there for us. After many false starts and lots of pain, some of us unconsciously give up in believing that he exists and no longer know what to do with him if we ever find him. Sure I could trust you, and I probably should trust you. I've known you for a while and I know the type of man you are. I just don't know how and I'm too afraid to learn. I told you, 'I have issues,' but they aren't your issues. They're mine."
"I'm really not that nice."
A snort of disbelief and dismissal followed with, "You're nicer than you'll know."
He saw the dots connecting but just couldn't believe the picture they were forming. This was so.... "You're telling me that you could never date me because I'm too nice?" This probably would have been more disconcerting information if he hadn't heard it before.
"If I dated you, I would hurt you. I wouldn't want to hurt you. I care about you tremendously. I think you're one of the most amazing guys I have ever met. I just have no way of being able to overcome myself."
"Good times."
Her mirthful laugh was quickly replaced by earnestness. "The thing that concerns me most with you is that there really aren't a lot of nice people out there, from my experience. I really wish you would be meaner. I wonder what impact others will have on you over the years. I would like to think that you will always stay this amazing guy that is so nice and sweet, but I don't envision it occurring. Already you have that cool aloof front that you put out there. I wonder who got you to erect that barrier. I worry that others' issues will cause you to have more of your own, as that's what happened to me."
She really could have cried.
I think in a way being too nice in a relationship is like spoiling your kids. Even if you have the means to do so you never want to give your kids everything because they'll never appreaciate it and take it for granted.
ReplyDeleteI also think that sometimes if you open yourself up too quickly and are too nice people sometimes wonder whether or not you do it with everyone, and if that's the case then in reality it's not really unique or special. That's not to say that being nice is a bad thing. - D
Darcy ~ I think you sound like you have some issues of your own there. I'm not sure one's goal in any relationship is to make the other person be something they are not. Therefore, if the person isn't nice to other people, one should not go into it thinking, "He'll be nice to me." (Probably out of some desire to fix, change, or have reassurance that you are "special".) The insecurity is compounded even further because if you are then with someone who is nice in nature, you're still concerned that you aren't special. That's a pretty tragic way to live.
ReplyDeleteI don't think being nice is the same as spoiling, however. I don't think it was ever suggested that the women that dated this gentleman felt "spoiled". At least, that's not meant to be implied from my text.
Love is a funny balancing act. You can't be too selfish nor too selfless. It's the show everyone has to put on. I feel sorry for her. She puts more weight in what she sees, but in the end, the show is just a show and the love bona fide.
ReplyDelete