The Golden Rule

I seem to hear a lot of talk lately about "The Golden Rule" - Do unto others as you would have done unto you. It is spoken of as if it is an infallible rule - as if this is the type of rule that, if absolutely everyone followed, would completely solve all of our society's ills. I have a few problems with this. Overall, I think the rule is great, but I don't see it as a universal truth. There are many situations where this rule simply won't work.

For example, I would not want a masochist to treat me the way they would like to be treated. I don't see that as a very workable situation. However, one does not have to involve a masochist in the hypothetical for the rule's application to get dicey; the rule fails to measure up in many other situations as well. I know lots of people that like to be treated in a particular way, but their friends or significant others don't like to be treated that way. For the rule to work, it would appear that the two people involved have to be rather compatible in how they like to be treated, and there are tons of people that are incompatible.

Some have seen this potential flaw in the rule and have amended it to say "Do unto others exactly as the other person would like to have done unto them". This too is flawed for a couple of reasons. One, it's absolutely impossible for anyone to know exactly how the other person wants to be treated in every situation. Two, maybe the way the person wants to be treated isn't compatible with your needs. For example, let's say you meet a sadist, an abuser, an addict, or a leech. You may not be willing to subject yourself to such treatment and to continually give of yourself in such a manner. In fact, to do so would likely make you a rather unhealthy person.

Really the only rule that seems to work in every case is "Do unto others exactly as you feel like doing". You will never fully know how the other person would like to be treated, and you may be in a position where it would be very unhealthy for you to treat the person in the manner they wish. Hopefully, you will want to be a "good" person, both to yourself and to others. Either way, your actions will lead to immediate reactions as others treat you exactly how they feel like treating you in return.

Sure, some people may want to kill another person, or do some other equally "evil" act, and so, applying this rule, would go off and kill that person. Others would react to this act, however, with their own actions. In theory, it could lead to mad chaos where everyone is just out killing everyone, but sooner or later a collection of people would get together and form laws to prohibit such acts. They wouldn't have to, but they likely would want to. They would be doing exactly what they felt like doing.

Symbolism

"Yeah, I went out with him before. I think the expectation was superior to the experience. Even if the sex had been amazing, who cares? I mean sex is nice and all, but I still have to talk to the man later. Besides, physicality only takes you so far in a long-term relationship."

Sometimes we have people and things in our life like this. My friend had seen a hot looking guy that she thought would be amazing, and as she got closer to the person, the facade fell away, and the realization came - dear God, he has no brain.

Harry Chapin said, "It's better sometimes when we don't get to touch our dreams."

Achieving a dream can be very scary. Achieving it without really realizing it may not be so scary, but actually having the knowledge that you are about to achieve a lifelong goal or achievement, or encounter a lifelong idol, can be quite daunting. Because it is only then that you actually have the potential of losing that dream or symbol, of it being corrupted or tarnished.

The people that have been tossed and turned on the sea of love, finding it fleeting and painful, now stand upon their bridges scouting the seas for the unseen dangers that are surely lurking ahead. Some of them have stood upon the ledges of their lives, expecting the happily ever after to be just around the corner, only to later be asking where's the orchestra.

Some have attempted noble professions, arts, music, legal aid, environmental groups, and the like, only to find corruption and their pure image of these icons chipped away. A friend of mine once went to join a leading environmental group. (She was very environmentally active at that point in her life.) Then she learned that 80% of every dollar donated did nothing but feed back into the behemoth organization - to pay for its overhead. This was not what she envisioned.

When we picture our dreams coming true, we never consider it a scary prospect. When we see ourselves finding that special person, it never enters into our calculations that there will also be this absolute terror gripping us as we ponder if we are making a mistake or if it will just fall apart like all the others - because if I lose this one, it's really going to hurt. When we picture meeting our idols, we don't imagine the possibility that they will disappoint or fail to live up to our expectations. We often fail to take into account in our musings the fact that everything that glitters isn't always gold.

The beautiful woman that you spy across the room, is perhaps better left across the room because then she never has to become real. Your leader or icon is perhaps best left at a distance so that you never necessarily have to know if they fail to meet your expectations or receive high marks. The love of your life is perhaps best left unattained, as it will always exist as your muse, as you go off Chasing Amy. However, to maintain such a position isn't really living and isn't really learning, and would sort of obviate one of the basic points of the movie I just used as a metaphor. After all, if you don't talk to the beautiful woman, how will you ever learn that beauty can often be only skin deep. If you always keep the leader on a pedestal, how will you ever understand that they are human - thereby giving you the faith that their achievements are attainable by anyone, including you. If you never love ... well what's the point in the search.

I once saw Wynton Marsalis speak and he explained how life is just tough sometimes. Through life, people and organizations are going to disappoint you, the beautiful things that you spied across the way may not impress upon further inspection, and sometimes we will get hurt. However, if you play through the pain, if you keep pushing and don't lose faith, if you never lose your ideals, and your values, you can persevere. Ideas, values, and thoughts can be pure, but attributing these attributes to any given person is always done at a risk, as they rely upon another living up to an expectation that we have placed upon them. The intangible is much more likely to be able to achieve such an irrational goal.

Some of you may get to this point in the post and think, "Well then I should just never have faith in anyone or anything because they will just disappoint me." However, you will have missed the thrust of what I am trying to convey. People may disappoint you at times, but it is our placing of false expectations that, sometimes, leads to these very disappointments. Allowing one or a few bad people, one or a few bad relationships, one or a few bad anything, to shatter your views and ideals, undercuts the validity and strength of those very views and ideals - they are bigger than one or a few anything. Besides, they can change with time and growth - "physicality only takes you so far" is not likely a statement my friend would have made when she was younger.

"Life is a banquet, and most poor suckers are starving to death!" - Auntie Mame. It is through sucking the marrow out of life, and taking these risks, that we live. Yes, we risk pain and the rocks below should we fail and fall, but a life of pure safety is often empty and boring, and our dreams, values and ideals worth a bit of risk.

(As an aside, I am still recovering from a cold as I write this. So it may or may not be coherent.)

Friends and Lovers

"You don't really want to be here with me."

I was annoyed, not just because she was right, but more so because, was I that transparent? How could she tell? And who cared, wasn't I there enough? I had done all the right things, I had made all the right motions. I was a perfect date, thoughtful, considerate, and attentive, but it wasn't enough in her estimation because she wasn't setting me afire.

I once got to meet "the other man".

TOM: "I don't like you very much."

Me: "I'm sorry to hear that."

TOM: "I see her face after she speaks to you and I know that you make her happier than I ever will be able to."

Me: "So why are you bothering?"

TOM: "Because I love her."

Me: "Sounds like a rather selfish love."

I didn't really blame her for wanting to date other people. We were long distance and neither one of us was really a big fan of that concept. However, I truly had higher expectations of her ability to select alternate men to date. She ended up having some rather curious selections - a stalker, a guy that raped his previous girlfriend, and this one. He didn't really appreciate the concept that she and I were intending to remain friends and speak every day either.

I must have looked at TOM with the same eyes she now looked at me with. "Why are you bothering with this charade?" She, however, had some more heated questions to add. "You expect me to be happy with the knowledge that I'm not the one for you? How is this supposed to fuel our relationship?"

For some, accepting that they are second best is sufficient. They can put on that brave face and lose gracefully, accepting second place in the contest of life and accepting the fact that they just didn't quite measure up; that while they will still be treated with all of the affection and romance that they would expect, their lover's heart will never quite be in it. However, others find this truth too painful to bear witness to, and find it even harder to have it flaunted in their face on a constant basis. TOM found it upsetting enough to subsequently lie to the woman of his dreams and push her away from me, and the woman accompanying me decided it was best to quit while she was ahead.

Halfway

"Your whole room centers around your food."

"Yup, just like yours centers around music. Priorities, man."

She was right. The center piece to my dorm room was my stereo. My stereo, however, has never been as impressive as my music collection. It's voluminous to put it mildly. It's gotten so bad that at times, I can't even remember if I already own a CD that I'm considering purchasing.

I don't really do many things half-way, and when I feel half-way about something, I immediately feel uncomfortable. This is why I commit to so few things. Some people throw around promises and statements like candy, but only a fraction of them will they fulfill. I try to never make any promise that I cannot keep, much to the annoyance of an ex or two. The easier thing to say is, "Of course we will get married," but if I don't feel it, I can't say it. I can't be luke warm going into something.

"That's what I like about you. I never have to question where I stand. Some people might say nice things to me and try to placate me, but you're going to be brutally honest. I know if you're annoyed, mad, happy, sad, whatever, because you're just going to blatently tell me. At first, I found this incredibly annoying, but over time, it's the thing that I have come to respect the most about you, and one of the main reasons I value you so much as my friend. You just don't lie, and you never say things just to make me happy."

With some things, I know with a certainty what I want. For example, I'll listen to a CD and I'll know that I want it. I'll hang out with someone a time or two and I'll know I want to be friends with them. I go on a date and I know whether I ever want to see that person again. However, with many other things, I'm much more indecisive. Choosing a major in college took forever, picking out a watch, a suit, deciding whether I wanted an iPod, etc. These decisions took anywhere from hours to months. Store clerks actually tired of me at times. Once I decide something, however, I don't often change my mind. It's a matter of getting to the decision that sometimes takes a long time, and is something I sometimes have to be prodded for.

"What do you want for your birthday/Christmas?"

This is a question I will generally try to avoid for as long as possible because I'm almost never sure how to answer it. Generally, the things I want cost too damn much for me to ask anyone else to buy them for me. It's right around the point where I know my "indecisiveness" is about to cause a fight with someone I care about that I cave. It's not that I haven't thought about the question up until then, it's more that I really don't feel strongly about any of my gift ideas I've been able to think of. To me, I'm not really indecisive, I just have trouble saying or doing things unless I truly feel them.

Brief Overview

The Red Headed Maven has requested that I get back to talking more about dating. Although, I thought I had been, I think she means, more specifically, the dating experiences I have had as of late, but the thing is that I haven't had any. I have had one girl that's been calling me for about a month or two, trying to coordinate a time when we can go out, I'm supposed to have a date this weekend with another girl, which I am approaching with great trepidation, and I have a third who seems to be very interested in dating me. All I have to do now is decide whether I am ready to date.

I had decided months ago that I just didn't want to date anymore, and that the rewards just were not worth the consequences of dating for me, as of late. I wanted to take time for me, to figure out who I was and what steps I had been taking in the past that always seemed to lead to catastrophic results. However, the more time I have taken, the less I seem to want to date again.

In the abstract, I see dating as great, having a friend that you get to know on multiple levels and really build something with. However, in the past when I have had this, one of two things has happened - I've either developed what I thought was an ulcer or I ended up getting hurt. The only way to truly find out if I have learned anything about myself, of course, is to brush myself off and get back out there. Roll the dice, play the odds and hope I get lucky, no pun intended. However, that seems to require effort and a complete lack of fear, foolhardiness at its finest.

Never fear, though, I am sure I will find other things to write about with which to fill your screens. For example, I saw V for Vendetta this weekend and it totally rocked! Natalie Portman is gorgeous, and having the Warshawski Brothers on the project always helps to give those fight scenes that extra umph.

Tonight, I was supposed to go to a hockey game with some of the guys from my church. I was really looking forward to it, but I woke up sick and it doesn't seem to be getting better. So it looks like that's cancelled. It's too bad too because the partner is going to the game tonight as well.

I purchased a ticket to go see David Sedaris. I kept meaning to buy a ticket but was always waiting on other people to get back to me about whether they wanted to go. Finally, I decided I had better just buy one for myself and go. It's a good thing too, as there were only about seven seats left in the whole place. I'll be sitting in the very back row, but I don't care. I just really want to see that guy.

I seem to have planned my entire trip. Now all I have to do is book the tickets. I'll give more details as they become available, but so far the trip involves Nashville and Durham, North Carolina, seeing three of my friends, and the added bonus of celebrating my 30th birthday. Very cool.

Ending or Beginning

"You can't be friends with someone you ever truly loved."

"Really? Many of my friends will be very sad to hear that."

I am friends with several women that I have loved or dated in the past. Most people I know marvel at this and cannot understand how it can ever be achieved. I understand their astonishment, as I am one of the few people I know with genuine friends that are of the opposite sex, let alone former girlfriends. However, the transition has rarely been smooth or easy. As a general rule, it involves space and time for both people to become whole again, gain their own footing, feel secure in who they are and what they are doing, grow as people, and a willingness and ability to cast off any idea of a future romantic relationship with the other person. Often the friendship ends up being like a Will & Grace relationship in my life, but I cherish it so much as the person knows me in a way no one else can, to an extent.

Every time I have ever walked away from something like that I have always feared never getting it back. In all cases, it never has returned. It either came back as something better and more stable or it just never came back at all. However, in retrospect, it was the only healthy choice to make. I know men that cling to women as friends for years in anticipation of a relationship, and the women that let them. It's a completely unfair role to cast yourself in, but everyone needs to decide what they can handle and do exactly what they feel like doing. This, of course, will lead to immediate and direct consequences - good or bad - but it is all we can do.

"What the caterpillar calls the end of the world the master calls a butterfly." - Richard Bach

Where Do I Sign Up?

I'm not a big fan of joining an organized anything. I'm a registered Independent. I never joined a fraternity in college. I never even joined the professional fraternity that many of my friends encouraged me to join with them. My theory was "Why would I want to join an organization with people in it that I wouldn't hang out with normally? I don't want to pay for my friends, and I don't want to have to pay to hang out with people I don't like very much anyway either." In fact, I only joined my law school fraternity because my two best friends were joining that night and if I didn't join I would have had to sit outside while they went to the induction without me. Unthinkable. It also helped that I never had to do much after the induction anyway.

As to political parties, I have two issues with them - 1) George Washington wasn't a big fan of them and 2) I never wanted to be associated with an entire group of people whose views I may not agree with.

That's generally how I feel about most organized social clubs and organizations to this day. I just really do not see the point. I don't like a lot of people. In fact, there are a lot of people I'm not such a big fan of. It's not that I dislike them. Disliking people takes effort, and I'm lazy in that respect. However, that doesn't mean I wish to be around them.

There is the added problem that if I am in an organization, it may be assumed that I believe everything that the organization believes in. For example, if I say I'm a Democrat, everyone might immediately assume that I'm a liberal (which I am on some things), but if I say I'm a Republican, people could assume that I'm a conservative (which I am on other things). It's hard for me to be a part of an organization because of these reasons. I always want to be judged for myself as an individual, not as a byproduct of an organization I happen to be affiliated with. Moreover, there are things that organizations have done in the past that I do not necessarily want to be associated with.

This is similar to my issues with organized religion. For example, I have a friend who is a Jehovah's Witness. She is one of my best friends, is very sweet, giving, loyal, and friendly. However, when I tell people I have a friend that is a Jehovah's Witness, many of them get the look of a cat that's about to get a bath. The claws are out and there is the immediate assumption that this person is just crazy. She isn't. She has her beliefs and is passionate about them, and I respect that. I have other friends that aren't religious at all and are very passionate about that, and I respect that.

A concept I have found recurring in most religions I have read about, is the idea of tolerance. The idea that you are to respect other people's beliefs. Last weekend I went to a religion class. It was very educational and I really appreciated it. However, the lecturer said that evolution was a dead theory and that no reputable scientists really believed in it any more as the fossil record did not support the theory. I had studied evolution in college, and I never remembered hearing this. In fact, I remembered learning the opposite, but I know memories can be faulty so I looked it up later, only to find articles from Berkeley and Scientific American painstakingly debunking these statements with fact. I hate being lied to. I don't care if you want to tell me that the church doesn't believe in something or that you feel it contradicts the Bible, but don't tell me that no reputable scientist believes in it when lots of them do. It confuses me even more, as evolution does not obviate the concept of God. There's nothing saying that evolution couldn't be part of the divine plan - the two theories can co-exist.

I, personally, don't know if I believe in evolution or not. I know scientists have a lot of theories, and some of them end up being right and some are wrong. However, whether it ends up being right or not, I don't see how it would negatively impact faith. People should never fear the truth no matter where it happens to lead.

(Note that this post was drafted when I wrote this one, but I couldn't find a good way to join the two.)

Discourse

"Wait, this is a great conversation. But I don't want to bog you down in a philosophical discussion."

"Why am I bogged? Who else will talk philosophy with me?"

A five hour philosophical and theological discussion ensued, and never really found an ending. As we concluded, beaten by fatigue, we both didn't necessarily see eye to eye on every topic discussed, but we left with a deeper understanding of one another, and the same love and respect that we had come to the dialogue with. I'm not sure that would have happened when we first met.

When I met my friend, I was a young and confused soul looking for answers and looking to find the one truth out there. I wanted to find the secret to winning in argument and debate. I would debate with my peers and frequently lose and feel frustrated and angry, often losing my temper and storming off as I felt totally defeated and as less of a person for having lost. How did all of these other people have answers to my points? Why could I not win?

Time changed my perspective and my logic in argument and debate. It changed, in many ways, the person that I am, or the way I approach a dialogue. I now recognize that in a many debates neither side will likely "win", as both sides are approaching the issue from a completely different perspective. For every thrust of an argument that you may have, they likely have an equally deft parry, and even if they don't, there is likely one out there just waiting to be discovered. Sometimes there is a way for the people to meet in the middle, but sometimes that remains a secondary concern, as it's the dialogue itself that the people were interested in beginning.

When a person is fully convinced of their point, it is unlikely that you will have any sway with them, and sometimes even if you do, they will never admit it because to admit that would be giving too much of themselves. All you really can do is allow them an opportunity to view your perspective and see what they do with it. At the end of the day, it really is just a sharing of ideas.

As I sat frustrated in my psychologist's office one day, she remarked, "Oh, I see people all the time that are convinced that they are in love with one another. They really are in a flawed relationship, but it's easier for them to exist in the state of alleged bliss than to face whatever it is they are too afraid to face - commitment with someone they truly love or otherwise." Great; that makes me feel so much better. However, her point is well taken, you cannot convince someone of anything or convey any message to anyone unless they are ready and willing to receive it, and you may be the person that they are the least likely to receive it from than anyone.

My best friend in high school hated my opinions. She hated them because, often times, I would end up being right, and she always felt like less of a person at having to accept that I had been right again and she had been wrong. As such, she would rarely accept my advice on anything, and was actually more likely to defy me than listen to me. I have attempted to learn to give such advice sparingly and only when asked, and even then, often not.

Sometimes you can't get the other person to hear you, believe you, or listen to you, but with the right company and the right issues, it doesn't make the discussion any less enjoyable.

Results

Perhaps all of my ranting and raving, and others', wasn't entirely lost on our friendly neighborhood senators, as they passed a proposed budget today that completely ignores Bush's (Jeb's not G.W.'s) call for a tax cut, and instead demands a $1.8 billion dollar increase in the budget for Florida schools. The senators point out that we need to be able to pay our teachers more in order to attract and keep the ones of quality. After all, passion is great, but it won't keep the lights on, unless you have Tesla on staff.

My week has been exhausting, both physically and emotionally, with a lot of soul searching, reading, thinking, and working. I did learn yesterday, though, from my little brother and his friends, as we played tag on the playground, that I run "really fast". Tomorrow I will go help low income people file their tax returns again, and hopefully by the end of the weekend I will have my vacation fully planned. I haven't had one in about two years and I am definitely looking forward to it.

I have more, but my eyes are burning from staring at my computer monitor all day while drafting an agreement so it will have to wait. Happy Shamrock Day, one and all.

Tolerance

In college, I had a roommate that informed me that he would never drink or do drugs during college. He was not the first to profess to me this commitment, but the conversation that we had following this statement was. His reasons for not using were much the same as mine, as were several other people's that I knew. However, everyone I knew that had made such bold statements at the onset, were never able to see them through. Because I was young and let my tongue fly at will a little too frequently, which I am still guilty of at times today, I expressed my doubts as to whether he would be able to succeed in this goal, which seemed to rouse his ire. I let the conversation die, and over the course of the year, watched him begin drinking like a fish and using various drugs.

I was not a drinker in college. In fact, I don't think I had a drop to drink until I was 21. This was not a mandated thing. It was not because my parents told me not to drink - in fact my father had encouraged it when I was younger - or because of some fear of God or anything like that. It was more because I was not sure who I would become if I drank. I had a father that would drink and become belligerent. It was concerning to me that I might end up getting drunk, losing control and doing something I regretted. So perhaps it was more a fear of myself, or more of a desire to better understand myself and the desire to confront the demons lurking within myself before I tried to deal with them while intoxicated.

Many of my friends drank and smoked weed. Some of them were very reluctant to hang out with me in the beginning because they figured I would be boring, "lame", or judgmental of what they did, but I never was. Over time, they grew to appreciate my sobriety and ability to remember what had happened the night before, and loved hanging out with me. In fact, the night I finally decided to have a drink, I had to talk two of my friends into not beating up the guy that had given me the drink - as they were convinced he was trying to peer pressure me. I really respected how supportive and accepting they had become of my decision.

I think one of the hardest things one can do in life is to not judge those that are different from themselves. It's so hard because we all have our own moral standards and beliefs, but this needs to be tempered by tolerance, for it is often through listening and discourse that we learn both more about ourselves and more about the other person involved. If you simply jump to a conclusion, you may miss out on something fantastic.

I have known people that think they know all there is to know about me because of an offhand comment I made at some point or because they are just that presumptuous. It is unavoidable that people will form opinions and thoughts about other people. It's unavoidable, but the danger comes when you refuse to ever allow your perspective to change and expand. Times, people, and circumstances change, grow, mature, whither, and die. Often our thoughts and ideas need to be willing to morph to accommodate this metamorphosis.

Great Expectations

"I'll just sleep with her."

"No, you won't. I mean that's fine if you can do it, but I know you can't. You don't just have casual sex and you're just going to wind up hurting yourself."

She was right, of course. I didn't want her to be right, though. I wanted to be like every other guy out there - able to sleep with anyone without any attachment or regret. It was too late, though. Sex (and yes, I use Clinton's definition) always meant more to me. It always meant more to me for many reasons, not the least of which being that I always knew there was the chance of getting that person pregnant - of fundamentally changing at least two lives, and if I was going to do something like that, it had better be with someone I cared about. The more I tried to disprove her, the more I ended up hurting myself. It was all good in theory, but in application ...

(Yes. Yes. I know there is birth control. However, many women I have known have had bad reactions to birth control, and pretty much every woman I have ever known does not like the guy wearing a condom. It's funny because my health classes in school taught me that men would be the ones that wouldn't want to wear a condom. Besides, condoms can break, leak, or slip off. I knew a guy that had a second child that way.)

When I started teaching, I thought I would be the cool teacher. The one that was fun and joking, taught you a lot, gave real world examples, had great stories, and gave everyone A's at the end of the semester. However, it never happened. I knew it wouldn't work out the way I had envisioned, of course. I have too much respect for the law to just let people slide by. I'll try my best to give a student every opportunity, but if they can't pull it together enough to at least spot the issues - forget it.

It seems sometimes we tell ourselves things because we want them to be true.

"Oh, he'll stop drinking."

"I won't be like my parents."

"I will never have another cigarette."

Of course, these are things that we want. They are goals. However, in the back of my mind, I always know when I'm lying to myself. It's just not going to work out the way I predict. The problem is that not all the people listening to me as I'm talking can see this mental process occurring. This is a dangerous thing because it may lead some people to take all of my talking seriously. It leads them to come to incorrect conclusions because they never ask me to seriously consider the thought. Some of my closest friends know me well enough to step back and say, "Are you serious?" And others know me well enough to just call it for what it is - wishful thinking (bullshit).

Ink for Food

I needed a new printer because the one in my office had some sort of issue with printing out cleanly. Finally, after everyone got tired of printing things out for me, I was summarily purchased a new printer. However, this left me with the question of what to do with the old one. It just seemed so senseless to throw it away - it's a perfectly good printer. Well, it could be a perfectly good printer. I wanted to recycle it, but I couldn't find anywhere in my area that accepted printers for recycling. I did find, however, that some places accepted toner cartridges for recycling and even donated the proceeds they earned on recycling them to good causes, like Big Brothers & Big Sisters or a breast cancer research fund. However, again these were not in my area, or they did not accept the toner cartridges we use.

Finally, I found a place that accepts all of our toner cartridges and uses the proceeds to feed starving people. I now have our whole firm recycling toner cartridges. So while I may not have found anything decent to do with my printer, I at least found something productive to do with the toner in it.

Motif

I never watched Sex in the City, except when my friend would put on the DVD's when I visited her, as she explained to me that it was simply the best show on TV. However, last night it was on and I was bored so I figured, eh. It didn't hurt that the very beginning of the episode touched on a theme I've been having in my life over ... a long time, but more particularly, in some ways, recently.

In this particular episode, Carrie (played by Sarah Jessica Parker) has started dating a new man. However, she is really weirded out and concerned because there simply are no problems with this guy. He's "too perfect". She keeps asking him what his flaw is - wanting to go into the relationship with her "eyes open" so that she knows if she can handle it. She asks this question: "Do people need drama in order for a relationship work?" or words to that effect.

All of my life, I have dated, been friends with, known, or otherwise been associated with women that, for whatever reason, seem to need the drama. Just the other day I got a phone call from my friend who was still bleeding from her latest beating from her lover - the police had just left. She wanted to know if she should get a restraining order. One day later, I spoke with her again, she still missed him and wanted him back - blaming herself for the whole ordeal.

My friend had a similar issue with a guy recently. I can't go too into it here because I don't know enough about it to really elaborate, but we were recently speaking about a person's inability to trust and love. The idea that the person would be more willing to spend their life with someone that they were just sort of into instead of the man or woman that they loved, seemed to repulse her.

"It's safer. You'll find that oftentimes, running from safety is the thing we find easiest to do."

My former psychologist once counseled me on love. He explained to me that love, true love, would be the most exciting and scariest part of my life. "You will have found this amazing woman who you love and who brings so much joy to your life. A person that you simply adore, but at the same time you will have to expose yourself to the enormous potential for pain by allowing this person into your heart. The very idea of losing that person can be more painful than some can ever bear."

My next psychologist - I moved - explained a little further: "Some people just can't trust or they are insecure and believe that they do not deserve love for whatever reason. Something from their past, something within them refuses to allow that connection, or to take that risk. It's simply too scary for them to trust."

One girl I went on a date or two with told me that she was reading a book by a psychologist/sociologist that explained the human condition of our generation and its inability to open up and trust in relationships. A whole generation of fear. She felt like she could really identify with the book - I should have run right then and there.

Meanwhile the people that seem so unwilling to trust and so often eager to run from safety, often seem to wind up in the arms of unhappiness. The girl that called me bleeding used to date a really great guy; a guy that loved her, was always there for her, and gave her his heart - and not in a wimpy way, but just genuinely. This was unacceptable to her and so she needed something else, which I guess she has now found, and the more he beats her, the more she loves him. I dated a girl that broke up with me one day because things between us were just "too good". I'll never forget the day. I sat there just staring blankly - not really knowing if this was for real. She ended up dating a guy that cheated on her, but she kept going back for more.

I have friends that are with people other than the person that they loved so violently and passionately and I have to ask myself if that's the way it's supposed to be. Is that the answer that one is to rest with at the end of their journey. Is it simply something so ingrained in our thinking that we are unwilling to accept easy and good. It is easier to settle with someone that we don't love too much so that we never have to risk that fear of pain and regret ever again, but is the easiest course of action always the best course or is the path less traveled the way to true happiness?

Weekend Plans

Everyone needs a hobby I guess. With my spare time yesterday, I prepared two individual income tax returns, and reviewed a third, all so that I could take a test and prove that I was worthy of voluteering with the IRS Volunteer Income Tax Assistance ("VITA"). Basically, it's a free tax preparation assistance service that the IRS offers for low income people. Once I'm a full fledged volunteer, I can use their tax preparation software, but until then, I was forced to use nothing but my wits alone. Scary.

I don't prepare a lot of individual returns in my practice. The task is much more suited, in my opinion, to an accountant or someone much more familiar with individual income tax laws. However, they only have two volunteers at the site I'll be working at and neither speaks English very well. Plus, the people I'll be helping don't make a lot anyway so their tax returns will likely be less complicated and if I screw up, it probably can't result in that much of a tax difference.

As you probably guessed from the last paragraph, I successfully passed the test. Although, I really wish there was an IRS person or accountant that I could ask some questions to, as through the process of completing the form, I came up with several. I think it would be helpful to me and the people I'm going to assist, going forward. Heck, they should offer this process as a class - that would be even more helpful.

So there's something one can do on a weekend.

Lazy Blogger

Yup, that's me. I've been so out of the blogging world. I've just been very introspective as of late and much of what I have to write ends up in my journal.

The hot nineteen year old that I have sometimes written about here called me last week to ask how she could take out a restraining order against Mr. Wonderful, the drug addict. Apparently, he not only kept using, but started hitting her, became emotionally abusive, and attempted to control her. But she wouldn't call the cops on him because she was too afraid of him - they were still living together and he wouldn't leave. My favorite story involved him paying her cell phone bill and then giving her a list of people that she was allowed to talk to. I haven't heard from her since.

I took my car in for an oil change on Saturday, and walked away with over $500 in repairs. Apparently, the tires that I bought two years ago, which were supposed to last 75,000 miles ... yeah, two of them didn't make it. They said I should get them rotated more often, but I get them rotated with every oil change. Bah. I still don't understand why I didn't get new tires for free if the ones I bought were supposed to last so long. I'll have to dig out the warranty.

I have been reading a lot about religion, all sorts of religions, and the historical aspects of some of the religions. Some of it is really confusing. I feel like I'll spend hours just trying to learn one thing and end up right back where I started at the end. I still think it can be really interesting, though. However, everything else related to this topic belongs in my journal for now.

I'm going to a hockey game tomorrow. It should be fun, even though The Panthers will likely lose. I haven't been to a hockey game in years, and I happened to get really good seats for this game. Very exciting. I wish it was on a Friday, though, so that I wouldn't have to wake up early the next day and go to work.

That's all I've got. Trust me, the juicy stuff is all in my handy journal, or in my brain ... somewhere.

In This House, On This Morning

She had been raving about it for weeks. I figured I should try it. I like taking an interest in the things that important to the people I care about. It helps me understand them better and sometimes helps me understand myself better. For example, I'll go shopping for shoes and clothes if it means I'm going to get to spend time with someone I care about and learn more about their tastes and how they think. You'd be surprised how much you can learn about someone just by taking the time and putting forth a little effort.

"You don't want to go."

"Of course, I want to go. If I didn't, I wouldn't have brought it up, repeatedly."

"But you never go."

"I never go to lots of places without other people." This was true. I started going to the gym in college because my friend and roommate started going - it became the thing to do. I would go to dinner with the people in my dorm because it was fun. I joined Spanish Club in high school because I was following my friend into the room. I wasn't even in Spanish class. I've been told it's because I have extroverted tendencies, but I think it's just because I like being around my friends, and can have fun doing almost anything with them. I bought an X Box and Gamecube because my friends and I used to play video games all the time. When I stopped hanging out with them, though, I stopped playing video games. I don't think I've used either console in about a year. This is not to say that I do things that I don't like merely to please others - it's an important distinction and one that I consciously make daily. I like playing video games. I like going to the gym, I still go today, even by myself. It's just, for me, many things are often better shared.

I go to certain activities never knowing what to expect. I figure it's better not to have high or low expectations about certain things, and to just allow them to unfold as everything progresses. I think if you go into something with a positive attitude, it often helps lead to a positive experience. Although, some events cannot be salvaged no matter how positive your attitude might be.

I showed up a little early. Parking was crazy. I had never seen such a turnout. There were parking attendants directing traffic and just an ocean of cars. Good thing I was a little early! Were they going to be giving away door prizes? Was there an early bird special? This seemed to be the place where everyone who was anyone was going to show up this night.

The speaker was unexpected. Not that there was one, of course, but the identity of the person. Apparently, the usual speaker was on vacation. She wouldn't be pleased, I was sure - to come all this way and for the divine orator to not be there. I, fortunately, had nothing to compare our substitute to, and was equally satisfied with this speaker as the hypothetical amazing one that I had heard so much about.

"So did you like it?"

"Yeah, I really did." Two hours, minimum, of discourse ensued. Plus an additional hour of listening to a recording of the fantastic orator I had heard so much about. I could see why she felt a little disappointed at his not being there tonight.

It was really an amazing experience. I think I will definitely be going back. It's not like this had been my first time going to church, but it had been the first time I had gone where I felt really just happy and enthused after having been there. Having someone I cared about with me, with whom I could share thoughts and ideas and could discuss the experience with after, certainly didn't hurt either.

In-N-Out Love

These folks ate a 100x100 at In-N-Out. They are freaking crazy.

Effective Compensation My Foot!

Below is a copy of the email I sent this morning to a couple newspaper editors, Florida's Governor, Jeb, and all of Florida's Senators.

I'm really mad that I didn't know anything about the above referenced topic. Not only did I not know about it, but none of my colleagues had ever heard of it either, and I like to consider myself well educated current on events.

I think the media, as a whole, is doing a lackluster job at keeping the public informed and hasn't been doing a very good job at making any of the politicians in our country accountable and on their collective heels. This is truly unfortunate because I view the media as the last check and balance. One of the only mediums that truly allows for the empowerment of the public.

Our schools are failing, No Child Left Behind has been a failure. The statistics relating to its success have been rebuked and scoffed at. The stories regarding these issues wind up on some back page that almost no one ever reads. When did the education of our children take such a low priority in local news? Why is every news media source more devoted to the national stories that the stories that more directly effect and impact our local neighborhoods?

Education is one of the greatest mechanisms we have today to level the playing field, to foster a better economy, provide greater opportunity, keep people off the streets, and off of drugs. The NCCP (http://www.nccp.org/pub_pei04.html) lists the following brief statistics: Nearly two-thirds of children in low-income families have parents without any college education; 82% of children whose parents do not have a high school degree live in low-income families; and, only 22% of children whose parents have at least some college education live in low-income families. Clearly, education makes a difference. However, the no one pays any attention to it.

Our educators in Florida make less than over half the educators in the country, meanwhile we have some of the highest real estate costs, and cost of living, overall. We want to attract the best and the brightest educators, meanwhile businesses are having trouble attracting new professionals - even with promise of $70,000 or $80,000 per year salaries. (See Sun-Sentinel, "High Pay No Lure as Home Costs Escalate", February 12, 2006). Obviously, we are going to have even greater difficulty attracting and keeping the best and the brightest educators with a system like this. Teachers need to be paid more period. This should not be something reserved only for those teachers that are willing to teach in lower performing schools or for those teachers that happen to be teaching students that have the most dramatic improvement on a standardized test. Since when did standardized tests ever show a person's ability at anything. Statisticians have proven standardized tests as faulty every year. Now we want to base how much a teacher makes based on the results of a faulty test.

"Standardized tests fail to measure creativity, thoughtfulness, perceptiveness, judgment, diligence, critical thinking, communication skills, problem solving or imagination – to name just a few attributes of genuine intelligence. What they do reward is thinking and memorization skills that have little importance in the world of work, higher education, family, or citizenship. "Exacerbating the problem, the tests exhibit persistent racial and gender bias, disadvantaging people of color, girls, and women in competitive spheres from primary to graduate school."

(See Ralph Nader, "High Stakes Tests", http://www.sfbg.com/nader/125.html; Allan Nairn & Ralph Nader, The reign of ETS : the corporation that makes up minds (1980); Marion Brady, The Standards Juggernaut, http://www.pdkintl.org/kappan/kbra0005.htm; and High-Stakes Testing, —Where We've Been and Where We Are, An Interview with Professor Daniel Koretz, http://www.gse.harvard.edu/news/features/koretz03212002.html).

This is a completely inappropriate approach and is based on a faulty presumption that teaching is just like any other job. There is a belief that all it is is thdisseminationon of information, but it is far more than that. Teachers are responsible for helping to shape and mold our children for years to come. They are there not only to help infuse knowledge into our children, but to help teach them how to behave appropriately, use propejudgmentnt, be creative, use their imaginations, etc. The impact of having a quality education are clearly immeasurable. However, we all sweep it to the back of our minds. No one wants to pay more taxes. No one wants to acknowledge how little our teachers are being paid. Most often I see a Florida teacher's salary marked at $50,000.00. Teachers have to be teaching in the same county for a quarter of a century before they make anything close to that figure. Many are making half that. How is this supposed to attract the best and the brightest.

It's unfortunate that I have to dig for this information and that my media, whose job it is supposed to be to investigate and report, is completely failing to inform me of these facts. They have completely failed to inform me of what is going on in my society and have not forced me to take a hard look at what is happening. It's unfortunate and unacceptable that I have to end up doing all the investigating and reporting myself. You in the media have the opportunity to have a huge effect of better our society as a whole simply by doing your jobs. This opportunity should not be squandered.

It's All in the Name

"I thought you were going to Europe."

"I am."

"Hmmm, that sure doesn't appear to be the right direction."

"It's the scenic route."

My new plan is to go to Cartagena, Colombia in April. Why Colombia? I don't know. I've met people from there and they seem nice, the flights are cheap and my money is worth gobs and gobs more there than in Europe.

But what happened to Europe? Oh, it's there. I know it is because stories about it have been flooding my TV screen for days. However, my travel buddy probably can't go anymore and it's a lot more expensive to go alone than when you can share costs with someone else. My friend in Germany is now living in Palestine. (Yes, I said Palestine, and yes, he is American.) Plus I have a lot of student loans to pay off - my penance for wanting to be educated.

I thought you were an attorney? Don't you make lots of money?

No, not really. If I worked at a large firm and sold my soul and life, I'm sure I could have a decent living, but I could obtain the same result by retaining my current job and taking a second job somewhere else. When you compare how much you make to the amount of time you work, it all starts to become clear that you really are working quite diligently for your money. I have friends that work or have worked at those wonderful ivory tower firms. One lost her marriage over it, another burned out in a year, a third is moving to D.C. simply to rid herself of her abusive boss. Yeah, I'm not sure the money is worth the price one is forced to pay. Attorneys can make lots of money over time, though. It's an earning potential thing - we start out where others cap off.

I don't blame people for not understanding the law field or what I do. It's the same thing when I talk to my friends that are doctors.

"I know what you do. I watch Scrubs and ER."

"Oh that's such bullshit."

The truth is I don't have the faintest idea what they do. I suppose they treat the sick, but I don't know how much work actually goes into it. I just know what I've heard, experienced and seen on TV. I know that I go to the doctor, he or she sees me for 10 minutes, prescribes some medicine, and gets paid a lot of money from my HMO. Not a bad gig, I think to myself. I'm sure my clients think the same thing when they meet with me. They have no idea how much work goes on behind the scenes, the public record searches, the reconstructing history, negotiating with other attorneys, long winded discussions with people that need to say their peace in order for you to actually get the information you need out of them. I think it's like that with a lot of industries. My doctor friends have a strong aversion to attorneys because they think all we do is sue doctors. Even though, I'm the type of attorney that can be a doctor's best friend, as I help protect their assets.

"A tax attorney? You must be busy this time of year."

"No. I am not an accountant or a CPA. I didn't go to law school and get a Master of Laws in Taxation so that I could file people's individual tax returns."

It's the natural assumption, though. Even other attorneys have no idea what a tax attorney does. They all think we just file tax returns all day. It's all in the name. You think tax, and all the average person thinks of is April 15th. There are so many other tax issues out there, however. For example, estate tax returns, which are filed nine months after a person dies. International tax, both at the individual and corporate level, determining the best way to structure a sale or purchase of real estate, a business, issuing stock, forming entities, minimizing tax exposure on transactions and determining what the law is so that the CPA - the one handling your tax return - knows what the law is so he or she can plug in the correct numbers. The only times I can think of that I ever prepared a tax return, it was either for myself, a special client or circumstance, or for amended returns in anticipation, or during, a tax audit.

A Solution

I may have found the perfect solution to my ultimate dilemma - how to have a private journal.

I love my blog because it allows me to share parts of my life with my friends and the world at large. However, there are certain aspects of my life that I prefer to keep private. It's nothing personal.... Well actually, it is, that's the point. It's all rather personal. I used to keep my journal in email form but then when my computer or hard drive crashed, I lost my journal. I then switched to this online format, but it's not really sufficient, not for the private aspects of my life. Hence, I've been keeping a written journal to supplement.

I like the ability of blogs to organize everything by dates, and in some cases categories. I like the convenience of being able to access and update them from anywhere. I appreciate the fact that I can type, cut and past, and more efficiently edit my entries as I go. I think through typing, and so it is much easier for me to commit a collection of thoughts through typing than through writing. At the same time, sometimes, all I have is a pen and paper.

I don't like the idea, however, of having to worry about who has access to my life. Even if I kept a Live Journal and locked it down so it could only be read by my friends - I'm not sure who has the rights to my writing. I'm not sure how secure the system is, and I'm not sure what would happen to it if Live Journal got a cyber attack or just shut down. It's not stable. It seems like everyone is able to find people private information in today's society and I would prefer to protect the parts I want to protect.

I wanted a journal that could fit on a flash drive so that I didn't have to worry about computers crashing. I could have it on the computer, but I wanted to be able to back it up and use it off of a flashdrive - this would also allow me to take it and use it more places. I wanted something I could password protect. It would be nice if it could interface with blogs, download previous posts and upload others. Categories would be a delicious ingredient, as would the ability to integrate written posts with typed ones. Oh, and I'd like it to be cheap.

My initial search did not yield many exciting results. All of them were expensive and none of them offered exactly what I wanted. But then I found This. I have to say, this program seems to have absolutely everything I could possibly want in a journal. It even integrates voice posting. I can't imagine anything better and at such a low price - especially considering all of its features.

Are any of you familiar with this program?

Cycling

I have another working theory, and this one should not piss you off any conservatives. Well ... hopefully it won't. I repeat, this is a working theory only. It's just sort of been playing around in my head.

Some people go through life and can completely live in denial or whatever and cope with it. Like a lifetime alcoholic or a girl that stays in troubled relationships all her life because it's too much work to get out. Others, can't. They live in almost a dichotomy as they know something is leaving them unsatisfied but can't seem to put their finger on what. I think it's a search for their own inner peace. Often, I believe, the period after a breakup is a very good time for introspection and self-analysis, but few take advantage of this opportunity as it is easier to substitute. It's easier to not have to deal with the hurt and the pain and the rest. It's easier to avoid. I know because I do it a lot.

I think everyone has the potential to learn and grow and I think there are road signs along the way that say, "Hey look" but I think it's a question of desire, and an ability to recognize what you are seeing. A person has to see the road signs in order for them to actually have an impact. I knew a woman that could claim, and genuinely believe, that her husband never beat her children while not 100 feet away, her husband was beating her children. There has to be a recognition of a problem before anything can possibly ever change, and even once the problem is recognized and the person decides to start down a new path, it's easy to turn back around, often easier than continuing down this path less traveled, as you know the other path much better than the new one.

Safety is a confusing concept. We find safety and comfort in those things that are familiar. Even the things that may be better for us may prove initially unacceptable because they are different and feel uncomfortable, like new shoes. Avoiding an intimate relationship with a person you are in love with can, for some, be much less comfortable than to be in a relationship with someone you only half-way care about. The stakes are lower. To ask a person to do something entirely different, can be about the equivalent of asking someone to never use their left arm again.

Everyone is individual and unique. All will be touched by different events in different ways, and will cope with such occurrences in different ways. Perspective is the fundamental key to understanding. So long as person does not believe that anything is wrong, nothing is wrong. The woman that didn't believe her husband beat her children, my friend who convinces herself everyday that her significant other no longer uses - even when he's lied about repeatedly in the last month, the alcoholic on his fifth bottle of scotch that night, and the battered woman who has just endured and accepted the third punch of the evening, are all walking down their paths and perceive things as ok or they feel that there is just no other way, and so long as one believes this, they are right because it's their reality.

Adventures in Dating

"You should date more."

"No, really, I'm good."

"But happiness is found through dating and finding that special someone."

"I'm done searching for now. Maybe that special someone should get up off their ass and come find me. What I have to do all the work? Since when did I have to fall for some lazy-ass? Besides, some of the happiest friends I have are of the single variety."

People sometimes wonder why I don't date more. So I thought I would give a description of a recent second date that I had. The first date was good. Not great. Not earth shattering. Not, "oh my God this is amazing." But good. So good that we decided we should make plans for a second date. She wanted to do a weekend matinee. Knowing that she liked breakfast, I suggested maybe a brunch followed by a movie, but she declined, reasoning that she enjoyed her sleep time, but then deciding that she wanted to see a movie at 1:00. Weird, brunch is at 1:00. Whatever. Later, when I found the showtime for the movie we wanted to see was at 3:00 she suggested we do lunch and then the movie. Ok, it was just as good when I suggested that two days ago, but I'm sure it sounds better coming from your lips.

The place she selected for lunch evidently closed and so I suggested we go to another place I knew she liked, Stir Crazy. We had a 25 minute wait and the restaurant is in a mall so she wanted to walk around. I mentioned that I had to go to Abercrombie and Fitch to buy a gift card for the partner's daughter. However, it turned out the store was on the far end of the mall and would have just been a hassle. She wanted to go to Crate and Barrel, which was right there, and look at pillows. Cool. Next she needed to look at shoes at the Footlocker.

We sat down to eat about 20 minutes later. However, she wasn't making eye contact with me, wasn't really asking me anything about me; it was really all about her.

"Are you tired?"

"No. Why?"

"You just seem to be a little out of it."

"No. I'm good. Actually, you seem to be really out of it."

"Hmm, I feel fine. I did wake up at 4:30 this morning, but otherwise, I'm good."

"Maybe we shouldn't do this."

"Hmmm?"

"I don't want to deal with this awkwardness. Maybe we should just not do this before it gets bad."

"It's going to get bad?"

"Well not bad. Look I have a really good friend in from out of town and I'd much rather go hang out with them than sit here having an awkward moment with someone that follows me into Crate and Barrel."

"Would you have rather I had waited outside?"

"Dating shouldn't be about this. It should be fun and laughing and it should be about going into Crate and Barrel to pick out pillows or going to find new shoes or any missions!"

"But ... you wanted to go to Crate and Barrel and to pick out shoes. These were your ideas."

"I don't want to do this."

She stormed out of the restaurant.

Nice.

Guts and Balls

I thought this was funny.

We've all heard about people having guts or balls, but do you really know the difference between them? In an effort to keep you informed, the definition of each is listed below.

GUTS - is arriving home late after a night out with the guys, being assaulted by your wife with a broom, and having the guts to ask, "Are you still cleaning or are you flying somewhere?"

BALLS - is coming home late after a night out with the guys smelling of perfume and beer, lipstick on your collar, slapping your wife on the ass and having the balls to say, "You're next!"

He's Got a Great Personality

Stephanie was talking about The Myers Briggs Test today, which is ironic because I've been thinking about it for a week now. Anyway, I went ahead and took it and ended up testing the same today as I did back when I was in undergrad; I am still an ENTJ (only 2% of the population is this type, or so they say).

Strength of the preferences %

Extroverted 44
Intuitive 50
Thinking 12
Judging 44

You are:

* moderately expressed extrovert
* moderately expressed intuitive personality
* slightly expressed thinking personality
* moderately expressed judging personality

I honestly have no idea what it means. I did know one psychologist that had every one of his patients take the exam when they began treatment. He thought it helped him predict or understand their coping mechanisms and personalities better and quicker I guess. However, I have never actually been told to take the test. I have always taken it of my on volition. I was, however, made to take another personality exam by a potential employer (an attorney no less). In fact, I think I still have a pdf of the exam results on my computer - if it ever works again. It was the strangest requirement I had ever encountered. He paid the $50.00 for me to take it, though.

Oh well. These things are always interesting, even if I have no idea what exactly they mean, or what sort of impact they really should have on my life.

The Machine, She No Work

I pushed the button, waiting for the phosphorous glow to shine upon my face and the mysteries of the world to be revealed to my eyes, and nothing happened. Huh? I pushed it again. Nothing. Weird. Wiggle the plug. Nope. Battery is fully charged too. (To add insult to injury, as I hunted for a screwdriver to try and determine the culprit, my old cell phone fell out of my closet and broke the glass I was carrying.)

The next day led to comparison pricing. I was not in the mood to spend over a thousand dollars for a new one. This really sucked. However, there was a light at the end of the tunnel. Dell has a repair depot, and they flat rate the repairs at $199 (including shipping and a big fat 90 day warranty), unless the motherboard or monitor is broken, then it's $498). Talk about unexpected costs, but I was not in the mood for spending a thousand dollars on a new one so I opted for the half price deal.

My friend got a new job doing sales and marketing. I think he'll be making more than I do in a year, and he didn't have to go to law school either. What's wrong with this picture? I think I should make more, or I should go into sales and marketing, one of the two.

Late Night Confessions

Her children were elsewhere in the voluminous house, finishing their homework.

"You know just before I met my husband, I dated a man that was sweet, loving, and caring. I end up married to a man that won't show me a drop of emotion without me exerting an ocean of effort." She had a forlorn look across her face, absolute agony threatened to escape.

"Why did you breakup with him?"

"He wanted a commitment; he wanted a family. He was ready and I just wasn't. I couldn't give him what he wanted, so I left him. By the time I was ready, he had already found a woman, a really great woman. He has children now, and is very happy. Now and again he calls me." She swallowed. Regret and acceptance in her eyes.

"Wow. I never knew."

"You know my husband once got angry with me and said, 'You still love him don't you?'. To which I replied, 'Well of course I still love him. I am with you and I am faithful to you but there will always be a part of me that loves him and you're just going to have to accept it.' It was never really discussed again."

Hammer and Nails

Soon I will be J, The Builder.

My only friends in the area are all moving, mostly owing to career changes. One has an abusive boss and she figured that seeing she was going to quit anyway, might as well move to D.C. or New York. Another had a boss that needed to have a life changing operation, from which she may never recover, and when the boss left, the office closed. A third will be finishing school in May and will likely move home. My friends are not only dwindling, they're almost non-existent, and as I have described before, my career does not exactly lend itself to meeting people my own age. Maybe I really should get a part time job at Barnes and Noble.

In any event, I decided to join Habitat for Humanity. I am not sure if my local chapter will have many people my own age but at least I will be getting out there and meeting people and giving back a little more. Besides I have very little experience with construction of any kind (other than landscaping) so maybe I can learn a thing or two. It could be a complete waste and I may wash out in the first month, but I've got to try something to meet people.

In the meantime, I still have plenty of books to read, places to go, movies to see, pictures to take, a gym that has missed me, networking functions to attend, and a job that keeps me busy. So I shouldn't be too bored. I suppose sometimes, it's not about boredom, but about loneliness. The quiet can be good for the introspection it affords, assuming you don't gnaw your arm off from boredom.

What's in Your Wallet

This is such a cool thing. Ok, well maybe I'm the only person that will think this is cool at all but there is a Website that allows you to track your money. Ok, so it sounds really nerdy and geeky. ... Ok, it is really nerdy and geeky, but by entering the serial number off of a dollar bill, you can figure out where your money has been, and then you can continue to track it after it leaves you hands. This is sort of like a message in a bottle or tied to a balloon or whatever, except easier.

Additionally, according to the little blurb I read about it, researchers have been able to use this data to compile a highly accurate model of human travel, which, in turn, has been key to understanding the way that diseases spread. Alright, so now it's even geekier, but it's still such a cool concept. I already added the two $1 bills in my wallet to the database, and plan on checking more of them in the future.

Checks and Balances

The history of America has certain themes running through it. One is the constant pendulum swing regarding regulation (more on this perhaps in another post). The concept of "checks and balances" was one of the central themes of our Founding Fathers in creating the republic that we have today was.

The people that initially crafted our government had recently come over from Europe and were casting off the yoke of an oppressive monarchy - where the national government controlled everything. It is then not so surprising that they would want to create a government perhaps as different from this as possible, one where the local governments knew best how to tax and spend, and had the majority of the power. However, this turned out to be an utter failure. We couldn't raise money for a proper militia even to defend our new country, which had numerous enemies to be sure. Hence, it was decided that we needed a new system, and thus was born the Constitution.

The U.S. Constitution was a power grab by the federal government to take the power back. It was clear to them that all of the power could not be vested in the States. However the Framers and the States were concerned about the federal government ever having too much power. Hence, two things happened. One, the Framers promised that there would be a Bill of Rights attached to the Constitution, which would protect certain fundamental State rights. Second, the idea of checks and balances was implemented.

The theory was, and continues to be, that every governing body will want to grab as much political power for itself as possible within the system. Congress can legislate, but it needs the Courts to agree that its legislation is permitted under the Constitution (which was passed by the States), and it requires the Executive branch to enforce its laws. Even with that fundamental tension, there was also the idea that each branch would make certain power grabs, therefore no single branch would ever become too powerful, and this was proven to be true. See Marbury v. Madison (incidentally, John Marshall was a genius).

We are now crossing into an insteresting time where all three branches of the federal government will be dominated by a single party, which is good if you happen to be from that party and agree with all of its philosophies, and otherwise, it may not be deemed to be so good. However, the political party placed in power is a little different than what has existed historically. Generally, the Republican party was about reduced federal spending, allowing for a reduction in taxes, and less legislation - more laissez fair. This was often considered good by the States, corporations, and any one that thought the government was wasting "their" money. However, for the last several years, the Republicans have been spending like it was going out of style, reducing taxes, and increasing federal legislation (as it relates to privacy and "family" issues).

Ordinarily, there would be a certain limit to how much political ideology could ever be infused into federal law, as there are checks and balances and no single branch, and not even two individual branches, of the federal government could ever change anything too dramatically. However, as I said, the times they are a changing. Soon all three branches of the government will be dominated by the same political party, or by people with a very similar political philosophy.

Over time, the rights secured by the Bill of Rights, the thing that was added to the Constitution to get many of the States to actually adopt the Constitution to begin with, has been abbreviated and abridged by the same people that have the philosophy that State's rights need to be protected. However, the States have not really protested because the protections which have been abbreviated more relate to individual rights and freedoms. (Refer to the line of cases interpreting the 4th Amendment through today. You can start with Weeks v. United States. However, it has also been reducing the ability of Congress to legislate, as it shrinks the power granted to it under the Commerce Clause. See Gibbons v. Ogden, Swift v. United States, and Lopez v. United States. Again, this is only bad if you disagree with it.

The Court is often accused of being "activist" when it does anything contrary to what the Republican party deems appropriate. However, the Constitution was meant to be a living document and to be interpreted. Some people are more "strict constructionists" (often reading more "textually" into the document being interpreted) than others. "A judge who is a 'strict constructionist' in constitutional matters will generally not be favorably inclined toward claims of either criminal defendants or civil rights plaintiffs, —the latter two groups having been the principal beneficiaries of the Supreme Court's 'broad constructionist' reading of the Constitution." (William H. Rehnquist in a memo to Richard Nixon about Supreme Court nominees). However, the Constitution is not always very clear. The idea was that this document would be the governing law for hundreds of years and the needs of the people and thegovernmentt would inevitably change over time. Hence, the document needed to be broad enough to cover the "What ifs".

For example, the right to privacy, the right to use contraception, the idea that seperatee but equal" is inherently unequal, the right to equal protection for all classes under federal law, are not rights or concepts specifically enumerated under the Constitution. These things were read into it by the Court. The Court determines the breadth of the fundamental protections and the powers of Congress to legislate and whether the Executive branch has exceeded its scope. Every Court interprets and "makes" law.

We now get to the new Supreme Court nominee, who will most likely be confirmed very soon by a Congessional vote that is expected to be directly down party lines. Samuel Alito will be placed onto a Court that already has a strong philosophy geared toward Republican ideals. It is why he was nominated for Supreme Court Justice. Anyone that says politics should not play a part in whether or not a Justice is placed on the Bench is kidding themselves, as so much of the appointment comes down to politics to begin with, and both Republicans and Democrats do it.

When Alito is confirmed, the Republican party will effectively have control over the Congress, the Executive branch (presidency), and the Court - all three branches of power. Thus, greatly reducing the checks and balances that were imagined by our Founding Fathers. This is not a bad thing unless you happen to disagree with any of the Republican philosophies, or happen to believe that checks and balances are always a good thing to have. The fight over the Court seems to be rather muted, which strikes me as ironic as this is likely going to be one of the most long lasting legacies left by the Republican Party on our Country, as these are lifetime appointments and the Court will have the ability to interpret whether a Congress or President of a different ideology has overstepped its bounds.

The thing that shocks me most of all is I have heard next to nothing about abortion, civil, or equal rights activists protesting this appointment. (I thought for sure the women's rights groups would be out in force on this one.) There was such a battle to have these rights recognized under the Constitution to begin with, how could anyone be so willing now to have someone appointed to the Court that is more than likely going to help to abridge those rights further. A government with limited checks and balances is the thing that scares me more than anything. However, on that front, I am obviously in good company.

Values

People often asked me what I wanted to be when I grew up. This always resulted in a complicated mental process in my head. Some people were privileged enough (fell victim and stayed awake long enough) to hear my entire explanation. Eventually, so many people asked me, I came up with an abbreviated answer. I had picked something, but I wasn't sure it was what I wanted to do. I spent a lot of my time convincing myself it was definitely what I wanted to do, but at the end of the day, my heart just wasn't in it. Then again, my heart wasn't really in anything else.

Some people ask me today if I like my job, and I am fortunate enough to be able to honestly answer, yes, I really do. I love my job. I love being able to wake up every morning and not have to dread walking into the office. I have head hunters call me on a regular basis about new opportunities in the legal field that I may be interested in, and when they hear me describe my office, and hear how I sound about my job, they decide that I really should stay where I am.

I love my job, and I love that my commute time is nearly non-existent, but I know there is more to life than work. There are friends and loved ones. I have the interesting opportunity everyday to deal with people close to, or at, the end of their lives. I get to hear their reflections, regrets, and memories, and not a one of them doesn't hold dear the memories of their friends and loved ones. I cannot think of any that cling to all of their great work stories and anecdotes. My job may be the most fantastic thing in the world, my living arrangements may be spectacular, but they aren't my priorities. Friends, family, and loved ones have to come first because without all of them, what the hell are you doing it all for anyway.

I have friends that are struck by this notion. "You would leave, move, to be with someone? How could you possibly give up everything you have."

"How could I not? Besides, who said I was 'giving up' anything?"

My outlook on life is interesting to many because for me it is never the destination but always the company. I can go anywhere and be completely bored and disappointed, but I can also be in the most mundane place in the world with excellent company and have a fantastic time. Many of my friends do not understand this in the least. I guess we all have different priorities; different things that we value in our lives. However, at the end of people's days, everyone seems to crave the same thing.

Rant

I've been meaning to write for days now but every time I think of what I want to write, I am either not near a computer or don't have the time - or sometimes both. Additionally, a lot of what I want to write about is a rant on something ... anything. Sometimes I get so frustrated with people and society. I often feel like so few people in the world today think at all, or if they are thinking, I'm really concerned what it could be about.

This guy on the floor of my dormitory in college used to wander around getting in people's faces screaming, "You don't care." He was a really weird guy who ended up developing an ulcer after his freshman or sophomore year. This was really tragic, however, it did get him to tone back his obnoxious behavior significantly. Sometimes, though, I feel like that kid on the inside.

For example, I hate that people do not get paid enough. My friend and I came up with a theory that everyone should make $80,000.00 per year. As theories go, this one doesn't really seem too terrible. It's a nice number. Not too much, not too little. Should cover most unforeseen expenses, and would probably make life just a little bit easier. So many people I know have financial problems that contribute to their unhappiness, the breakdown of their relationships, or the necessity that they take jobs that they absolutely cannot stand, or it prevents them from doing something with their talents that would allow them to better give back to our society. For example, I wanted to work for AmeriCorps as an attorney after I finished law school, but because of my debt to income ratio, there was no way I could afford to take the job I was offered.

Teachers do not get paid enough. (I once engaged in a debate to the contrary with a teacher, but that was more because I was mad at my girlfriend at the time. I didn't know that when it all transpired, of course. I just knew that I was really annoyed and she had made a unilateral statement. The one thing I learned how to do in law school was rip apart a unilateral statement for fun and amusement. So to work I went.) We do not budget enough for our schools at all. We build parks and churches and stadiums and multi-million dollar opera houses, but we do not set aside enough for our children - you know the ones eating some of the worst food available in the U.S. on a daily basis. Mmm, school lunch does a body good.

It really bothers me when I drive around a new town, or even my own town, and I see beautiful ornate houses of worship and all sorts of governmental buildings and subsidized construction projects to make these amazing structures and then I drive by these dilapidated looking buildings with trailers as classrooms sitting outside of them. What the hell? I know the arguments for why these other buildings are more important than our schools or how they will revitalize the community - helping to generate more money for the city as a whole, and therefore generating more money for the schools. However, I just do not see it happening. Any additional money that is garnered is generally thrown into more pet projects and never makes it to the classrooms that so desperately need it.

Every teacher I know has worked their ass off to make things better for their school. Often shelling out thousands of dollars of their own money each year to make up for the gap between what they are given and what they actually need to educate our youth. All of this selflessness, generally, goes wholly unappreciated. Terrible.

The outsourcing of U.S. jobs, bugs the hell out of me. And what is the main company that has helped create this kind of culture? Well some might blame Wal-Mart, but it's more than just Wal-Mart. It's the people that shop there. However, at the point, it doesn't matter anymore. Almost all of the American manufacturers have been driven out of business.

I watched an entire documentary regarding the outsourcing of American manufacturing jobs. Wal-Mart changed the model by making it so that all of the manufacturers wanted or needed their product to be placed in Wal-Mart. As such, Wal-Mart was given the ability to tell them how much they would be allowed to charge for their products - reducing the price more and more. Eventually this had the effect of forcing manufacturers to look for cheaper labor overseas, and in some cases. In some cases, manufacturers said Wal-Mart even made the outsourcing of jobs a part of the overall deal to get their product placed in the stores.

The argument from The Cato Institute is that this outsourcing of American jobs should not be a concern because the jobs that are outsourced with better jobs. However, in a lot of the manufacturing towns that get the hardest hit, the only real jobs opening up are at the Wal-Mart's opening up, which do not often pay as much as the jobs that were outsourced.

I'll leave my rant on the U.S. Supreme Court nominee for another day.

Rumbling Within

When you've only eaten three bowls of cereal in three days, you know something must be wrong. Either that or you're trying to new Lindsay Lohan diet.

It all started Saturday afternoon. The morning was normal: gym, shopping, cleaning, organizing, etc., but my stomach was not amused by any of it. By late afternoon, it had shut down and refused to speak nicely to me any more. Soon I was running a fever, had a headache that just wouldn't quit and could barely move. I felt like I had been to Mexico, without enjoying the really good tequila. How unfair is that?

Sunday did not bring any relief, as my stomach remained on strike and my body was still shaking with the chills, forcing me to call in sick at 4AM on Monday morning, as I knew there was no way things were going to improve that dramatically in two hours. I did, eventually, force myself to eat cereal yesterday.

Today things aren't tremendously better as I'm dizzy, probably owing to my lack of food, and my stomach continues to make grumpy sounds at me.

For the life of me, I cannot think of what brought this on, as I hadn't eaten anything before this all started. In fact, the only thing I had ingested that morning was some water from the water fountain at the gym. So maybe my gym is like a little Mexico. All I know is that I will be very happy when I have my next full meal again.

Surprise, I'm Movin' Out

It was completely unexpected. I saw myself having nothing but a weekend of boring times ahead of me. A weekend of cleaning, straightening, and ironing out the kinks in my life. Then suddenly the invitation was extended, "Do you want to come see Movin' Out with us; we have an extra ticket?" Are you kidding? Do you know how much I love Billy Joel? Of course I want to go.

All I can say is Amazing. The dancing was just so impressive. There was such control in their movements and such absolute beauty. I continually asked myself, how much practice and training was involved in getting to this point in their careers. Plus, it was all set to the music of Billy Joel. Such an awesome way to spend a night. I had been wanting to go to a show that much fun for awhile, and then to be able to go to one unexpectedly, for free, and sit in the front row - so awesome.

I also managed to see an art show and take my friend out to dinner for her birthday and then have dinner the next night with some of her family. Plus, I found the time to experiment with my camera some more. Overall, it was a very filled weekend and much more fun than I had ever expected.

Y'all Ready for This

I'm often not ready to hear it. I know I asked for it. I know they are probably right, but I'm just not ready to hear it. But they tell me because I asked, and they know I will never hold it against them. Besides, usually, in the end, I end up understanding and accepting it.

I once explained a situation I was having to one of my best friends. She has always taken really good care of me and has looked out for me a lot. She's like my older sister, which I've never had. Her response was as follows:

"Sounds like she is immature and needs to figure this out on her own. I felt the same way about a guy I was dating once, and I just was not ready to accept a "nice" guy. It took me a while and finally I had to accept myself first before I could accept a "nice" guy. I don't think you should have to wait around for her to get to that point and by the time she is there, she probably still won't be able to accept you as the "nice" guy she finally goes for.

"Not the thought you want to hear, but I think it is better to be alone, than to be wrapped up in an unhealthy relationship. Some girls never come around and like to be treated like this always! My sister is a prime example!"

Today I received a phone call from another "prime example". She wanted to know if she should go back with the guy that screwed her over three other times, and how she could get the guy that hasn't called her back in a week to show her some attention.

"Well if he showed you attention, you wouldn't be interested would you?"

"No."

"So really, this guy is a genius, and is playing the game perfectly because, after all, you love a challenge. If this guy were just nice to you and called you back, you would think, 'Why is he calling me back? He must be desperate.'"

"Yeah.... I'm so tired of the game."

"Well, when you really get tired of it, you will stop dating the guys that treat you poorly for the challenge of trying to make them act differently and start looking for one that treats you well. However, I don't envision that happening right away, as you clearly can't stop thinking of the guy that hasn't called you back yet."

Festivities for the 05 Switch to 06

New Year's Eve was great. I went out with my best friend and her boyfriend. We went out to this family type event that was pretty boring, actually. They had an ice skating rink for the kids and a one hundred foot tree, as well as other various items of interest. We missed the fireworks display, however, because we were too busy toasting the new year inside the friendly neighborhood drinking establishment we discovered. I also made friends with the bartender and we got at least three rounds, including a small bottle of champagne for $20.00. Good times. (Incidentally, although I characterize the festivities as less than exciting, I did find out that two people got shot there that night. So I suppose it wasn't that tame.)

New Year's Day evening was also quite fun, as I found myself at my favorite piano/comedy club with at least 50 Penn State fans. Oh the madness that ensued. At one point, all the women had to flash the bar. Unfortunately, my friend's girlfriend didn't want him seeing any other woman's breasts. So she got right up next to him, and as a consequence me, and flashed him ... and me. It sucked, not because she isn't hot, but because she's my friend's girlfriend and there were all those young Penn State women I was hoping to see. Alas, you have to take what you can get ... er ... see.

I love my camera. I'm still learning how to use it, but I have to say that it is pretty much the coolest thing ever ... well maybe not as cool as an Acura with sunroof and XM satellite radio, but I ain't gonna complain. It's so cool to be able to take a picture and immediately see the results. I definitely need to travel more so that I can take more pictures.

Ending?

I have a 19 year old friend. She has an amazing body and is really nice, but man is her love life a train wreck.

At 9:21 last night, as I was growing impatient waiting for a phone call to be returned and cursing myself for having feelings for a woman, I received a text message from my friend. "He cheated on me..."

While this was upsetting news and I was extremely sorry to hear it, I was somewhat relieved, as I now had something to focus my attention on, other than my phone that was clearly not going to ring. Immediately, I phoned her. "What happened?"

"Well on New Year's Eve, we got into a big fight and I broke up with him and said I didn't want to see him anymore and to go call his skanky ass ex, and I guess he did. He didn't tell me about it, though. She did. She's lied about things in the past to try and break us up, but I know she is telling me the truth this time because she knew things that she could not have known about our fight and about a love letter she wrote him and where it was in his apartment." (She had snuck into his apartment in the still of the night to find the alleged letter exactly as described, and to find his apartment mysteriously clean.)

"But he wrote me this letter explaining what happened. It all makes sense when I read his letter." (His letter says that his ex, who would do anything to get him back, had come over and started cleaning his apartment and wouldn't leave. Not wanting my friend - who is also his neighbor - to think he was doing anything with her, he had left his ex at his apartment and went to his mother's place and his friend's. That's how the place had become mysteriously cleaned, and I guess the love letter was just planted.) "Well, ok, maybe I just want it to make sense. I care about him. I want to believe."

"You aren't Mulder."

"What should I do?"

"Are you serious? This is awesome. This guy is 32 years old, is dating a hot little 19 year old, cheating on her and she's calling me trying to figure out what she should do? This guy is a genius."

"Well when you put it that way, it sounds kind of terrible."

As we talk, the pieces start falling into place. He has been doing cocaine, and his friends and ex do cocaine. He's just recently back from rehab, after he got fired from his last job for failing a drug test - claiming it was just marijuana, but who knows. She likes him because he treats her badly and this is more of a challenge than some guy that is just nice to her. "In fact, if he just does what I tell him to do, I totally don't respect him. The worse he treats me, the more I want him." She could be the poster child for the majority of women I have dated or liked in my life. "You should just be an asshole to women from now on, J. That's what we like. It sounds fucked up, and it probably is, but it's the truth."

"You cannot stay with him. I mean, you can, but not only is he dishonest, he's a drug addict. You used to do drugs, you know how destructive they are. It's going to tear apart everything. However, I know you are going to stay."

"He's not an addict. He's only ever done coke the three times I caught him." (They've been dating about three months. Better still, he's been speaking of proposing to her. Scarier still, she would accept.)

"How do you know?"

"I can tell."

"You don't even know who is sleeping with and you're trying to tell me you know when he is doing drugs?"

"I know. I just want to make the right decision, but I don't think I'm strong enough to make the right decision. I didn't used to be like this. I used to date decent guys. I swear, women all start out good, and then we get our hearts broken and we end up as damaged goods."

"I'm told some women grow out of it."

"I sure hope I grow out of this."

Another call comes through on her end. I wait as she checks call waiting. "J, it's my best friend. She says if I don't talk to her right now, she is going to call her loser ex and she doesn't want to do that. Let me call you back."

"Good luck."

So at 1:09 in the morning, I received a follow-up phone call. She had conclusive proof of who had been lying to her. My question to all of you is, do you think it was the cocaine addict ex girlfriend who is extremely jealous and would stop at practically nothing to get her man back or was it the drug addict boyfriend, recently out of rehab, and swearing that he is trying to turn his life around?

I'll give you a hint - she was taking him back.