Women don't seem to get it.
"I don't know how to make him listen."
"Stop sleeping with him."
"What!?"
"Stop sleeping with him and I guarantee you will have his complete and undivided attention."
"I couldn't do that."
"But with the way he's acting there is no possible way you want to be sleeping with him right now."
"But ..."
Women often forget that they have control. They forget that they have the one thing that every man wants and will do practically anything to get. They're like the Middle East and men are the United States, paying whatever it takes to fill 'er up. (If you can't appreciate a good pun, you need another cup of coffee.) And they completely neglect to remember that there should be boundaries; that everyone in a relationship needs to have boundaries and they need to not only set them, but enforce them. Boundaries are not being selfish; boundaries are the creation and enforcement of standards as to how you are willing, and want, to be treated.
"You need to create a list of things that you want in your partner and then a list of things that are unacceptable - deal breakers, if you will. The second list is perhaps even more important than the first because if you don't adhere to it, the list becomes merely a wish list and is no longer a set of standards that you feel you are worth or that you deserve. Once you start losing yourself for a man, you're on a long road of disappointment and unfulfilment."
There are women that I know that could never adhere to this advice because they would view it as "using sex as a weapon". I've read books that have case studies about women like this. They are usually terrible at being able to create and enforce boundaries and are usually willing to bend and shape for those certain lovers in their lives. They are described as people who have difficulty both creating and enforcing boundaries and because they don't have stable boundaries of their own, they have great difficulty respecting those of others - even those they care about deeply. Apparently, the books say, this is not a good thing.
What's a girl to do?
The important thing really is that you do exactly what you want to be doing, and not what you think someone else wants you to do. Sounds like an extremely easy piece of advice, right? Just do exactly what you feel like doing. It gets more complicated when what you want to do is please others or take care of or rescue others. Suddenly, the things that you really want to be doing involve satisfying the unmet needs of others more than your own. And when you put your needs first, you suddenly feel selfish or cruel. It feels completely unnatural, and angst takes hold. You begin feeling terrible about it. It eats you up, and you suddenly feel like you're just being selfish and you're doing the wrong thing. You want to apologize, to reconcile, to do whatever it takes to make that feeling go away, even if it means sacrificing another aspect of yourself - because that is, after all, the hallmark of your identity.
I know, I know, this post seemed to start with such promise - what with all the talk about sex, and now here we are talking about boundaries. What the fuck?
The point of it all really is that it's not wielding a weapon, it's not being selfish, and it's not being cruel; it is setting boundaries and adhering to them, displaying respect for yourself. It is through exhibiting respect and care for yourself that you are able to display your capacity to respect and care for others. (You cannot truly love another until you love yourself.)
"I don't know how to make him listen."
"Stop sleeping with him."
"What!?"
"Stop sleeping with him and I guarantee you will have his complete and undivided attention."
"I couldn't do that."
"But with the way he's acting there is no possible way you want to be sleeping with him right now."
"But ..."
Women often forget that they have control. They forget that they have the one thing that every man wants and will do practically anything to get. They're like the Middle East and men are the United States, paying whatever it takes to fill 'er up. (If you can't appreciate a good pun, you need another cup of coffee.) And they completely neglect to remember that there should be boundaries; that everyone in a relationship needs to have boundaries and they need to not only set them, but enforce them. Boundaries are not being selfish; boundaries are the creation and enforcement of standards as to how you are willing, and want, to be treated.
"You need to create a list of things that you want in your partner and then a list of things that are unacceptable - deal breakers, if you will. The second list is perhaps even more important than the first because if you don't adhere to it, the list becomes merely a wish list and is no longer a set of standards that you feel you are worth or that you deserve. Once you start losing yourself for a man, you're on a long road of disappointment and unfulfilment."
There are women that I know that could never adhere to this advice because they would view it as "using sex as a weapon". I've read books that have case studies about women like this. They are usually terrible at being able to create and enforce boundaries and are usually willing to bend and shape for those certain lovers in their lives. They are described as people who have difficulty both creating and enforcing boundaries and because they don't have stable boundaries of their own, they have great difficulty respecting those of others - even those they care about deeply. Apparently, the books say, this is not a good thing.
What's a girl to do?
The important thing really is that you do exactly what you want to be doing, and not what you think someone else wants you to do. Sounds like an extremely easy piece of advice, right? Just do exactly what you feel like doing. It gets more complicated when what you want to do is please others or take care of or rescue others. Suddenly, the things that you really want to be doing involve satisfying the unmet needs of others more than your own. And when you put your needs first, you suddenly feel selfish or cruel. It feels completely unnatural, and angst takes hold. You begin feeling terrible about it. It eats you up, and you suddenly feel like you're just being selfish and you're doing the wrong thing. You want to apologize, to reconcile, to do whatever it takes to make that feeling go away, even if it means sacrificing another aspect of yourself - because that is, after all, the hallmark of your identity.
I know, I know, this post seemed to start with such promise - what with all the talk about sex, and now here we are talking about boundaries. What the fuck?
The point of it all really is that it's not wielding a weapon, it's not being selfish, and it's not being cruel; it is setting boundaries and adhering to them, displaying respect for yourself. It is through exhibiting respect and care for yourself that you are able to display your capacity to respect and care for others. (You cannot truly love another until you love yourself.)
ahhhh, you are back
ReplyDeletebut i actually agree with you
it IS about loving your self... and to show that you love yourself you DO have to set boundries - and the NUMBER ONE boundry that the majority of men get is witholding sex
even if it IS seen as a wepon
and it IS effective - because if a guy threatens to leave because you are witholding to get him to listen and he STILL won't listen to you... then you need to listen to him - and LET HIM LEAVE
There are roughly twenty men out there right now, banging their heads against the computer screen screaming, "You bastard! You're spilling all our artillery!"
ReplyDeleteI don't know how we can possibly thank you.
my thought is that it should be 'making love' not just sex by that point in the relationship... and if thats the case and she isnt 'feeling the love' then why is she performing the act?
ReplyDeleteSelf respect and self love I agree with you that is what seems to be lacking there.