And The Lord Said ...

On the weekends, I usually wake up to the sounds of NPR. I am not particularly fond of the NPR stations I have to choose from down here. When I was visiting my friends in North Carolina, I found that they had an NPR station with a 24 hour news and talk program format. Whereas, mine mostly consist of classical and world music programming, even on the weekends. I was aghast when I first tuned into NPR down here and learned of this, but have lived here so long that I had almost forgotten that it could be any other way.

On Sunday mornings, I usually hear parts of a program called Speaking of Faith. Leave it to Public Radio to develop a religious program that isn't usually too evangelical. Every now and again, I hear something I really like and am instantly glad that I tuned in, even if I am rather tired and wish I could fall back to sleep.

This weekend, Rabbi Sandy Sasso was being interviewed. She actually had several very interesting things to say regarding the selection of a religion and how one should introduce their children to religions in general. The thing that struck me the most was when she explained how similar all religions are in their attempt to answer certain central questions, like "Why are we here?" and "What happens when we die?" She then coherently articulated something I had been trying to convey for months - "Religion is the language that we use to express our spirituality."

Bottled Up

"I don't understand why you're uncomfortable around her."

I couldn't believe she didn't understand. She had taken an entire day explaining to me why she didn't approve of this woman's marriage and how she wanted to break her up with her husband because they just were not right for each other, and now she couldn't understand why I felt awkward and weird around these people. Every time I was with them, all I could think about was all of the horrible things she had told me about their relationship, and it's not like they knew she felt this way. As far as they were concerned, everyone was happy and having a great time so why the hell was I acting weird.

If I think something about someone, chances are I'm going to tell them. It has something to do with my inability to be fake with people. Fake bothers me. I know some people that do this often, though. People whose actions do not correspond to their feelings.

"Oh, yeah I think she's weird. She reminds me of a completely socially inept person that doesn't get away from their computer." However, when she speaks to this "inept" person, it's all smiles and friendly "hellos". This gives me doubt. What the hell does this person say about me when I'm not around? And what the hell is the point of going out of your way to socialize with people you don't actually like?

Growing up, I had a lot of things I had to keep to myself. Secrets were the rule of order in my family. Lots and lots of them. As a result, I now keep very few secrets. It's not that I cannot keep them. It's actually pretty easy for me to keep them, as I was trained for years to do so. If someone tells me something and asks me not to tell anyone, which seems to happen an awful lot, I won't say anything. However, when it comes to my own secrets, I'm far more willing to give those away, as keeping them triggers an emotion that reminds me of a past that I would rather forget. (I also am really not ashamed to express how I feel about things.)

It's more than that when it comes to my friends. If I think something about one of them, I'm going to tell them to their face, and not behind their back because I would rather they heard what I had to say from me directly, and not through some third party or a blog. Sure this may lead to a fight or an argument, and many times, I've had to bite my tongue and really evaluate whether it was my place to say anything at all, and if so, how I was going to say it. However, more often than not, if I find myself needing to talk about it with others, chances are it's important enough for me to bring up to the friend. Not because I need them to agree with me, but just so that they know where I stand. It is, as so many things are, a delicate balance.

Intelligence is Hot

Women just do not seem to understand how sexy smart is. Sure you can go out half dressed and show off some skin or adorn yourself in the clothes that tighten and cling in just the right places, more or less revealing what you look like without them on at all, and drawing the gazer's attention to the areas you want his nights and dreams to be consumed with. However, that beauty is always, truly only skin deep.

Sophistication and intelligence are hot and far less transient. If you have those two things and you can own them, your perceived sexiness quotient has just increased five times over. Granted, beauty is relative, and once you start multiplying by factors of five, large dichotomies emerge. However, it doesn't change the validity of the point.

The fact that she just raised a valid argument and made me question my reasoning on something; the fact that the discussion was mildly stimulating or a challenge at all; the fact that she knew that obscure reference and could capitalize on it; or the fact that she knew where she would end up if she were to burrow through the Earth, starting in Ohio (of course) is hot.

Guys love smart women. That's why Van Halen had it bad for teacher, or why the sexy librarian can turn heads. Sure these women have physical allure as well. There's no denying that, but the power of a smart women can never be underestimated. For while the women that thrill with their looks are intriguing, I'm likely to see fifty more of those within a week. The woman that thrills me with her mind, will capture my attention for years to come.

How Sweet

"You're just too nice." She said this as an admonishment, and with pain and distress in her voice. "You often come off, in the beginning with the veneer of mean and uncaring, but it really is just a thin veil."

A look of confusion quickly spread across his face. "I thought that's what people looked for in a relationship."

"They do. They do. I do ... or did. You just don't understand. Most women start out looking for that nice guy, that good guy. The one that we are repeatedly told is out there for us. After many false starts and lots of pain, some of us unconsciously give up in believing that he exists and no longer know what to do with him if we ever find him. Sure I could trust you, and I probably should trust you. I've known you for a while and I know the type of man you are. I just don't know how and I'm too afraid to learn. I told you, 'I have issues,' but they aren't your issues. They're mine."

"I'm really not that nice."

A snort of disbelief and dismissal followed with, "You're nicer than you'll know."

He saw the dots connecting but just couldn't believe the picture they were forming. This was so.... "You're telling me that you could never date me because I'm too nice?" This probably would have been more disconcerting information if he hadn't heard it before.

"If I dated you, I would hurt you. I wouldn't want to hurt you. I care about you tremendously. I think you're one of the most amazing guys I have ever met. I just have no way of being able to overcome myself."

"Good times."

Her mirthful laugh was quickly replaced by earnestness. "The thing that concerns me most with you is that there really aren't a lot of nice people out there, from my experience. I really wish you would be meaner. I wonder what impact others will have on you over the years. I would like to think that you will always stay this amazing guy that is so nice and sweet, but I don't envision it occurring. Already you have that cool aloof front that you put out there. I wonder who got you to erect that barrier. I worry that others' issues will cause you to have more of your own, as that's what happened to me."

She really could have cried.

Mark of the Beast

I have been fairly terrible about blogging during the week. It's tragic, as I know you all wait with great anticipation for me to publish whatever meaningless drivel I might have for the day. I have been good about posting. It's just that almost all of it occurs over the weekend - when I actually have time to collect my thoughts and commit them to virtual paper. However, there have been a few events that have not made it into any posts, as none of them really seem to have what it takes to make it. For example, here's a little something for all you religion buffs.

You know that whole June 6, 2006 end of the world thing? Well according to religious scholars "666" is not the mark of the beast; "616" is. So apparently, if the world was going to end on any day this year, given the recent apocalyptic logic, it would have ended five days before these folks thought. I imagine that to be a truly terrible way to go. Here you are totally convinced that the world is going to end on Saturday, getting all of your affairs in order, planning what to do on that very last day, and poof - you and the rest of creation dies on Monday. That's tough.

Blogging Inspiration

My best friend from college finally started a blog. To make it even better, she gave me credit for being the reason that she started blogging. *sniffle* I've inspired someone.

She actually started it a few weeks ago, but I wasn't sure if I should post about it yet because 1) I wasn't sure if she'd keep posting and 2) because I wasn't sure if I was allowed to announce to the world that she had a blog. But she did and I am. And, no, I'm not just posting about it to brag about being the sole inspiration for someone else to start a blog. (Alright, that may be overkill. She never said I was the *sole* reason, but then again, she never said that I wasn't.) I'm actually posting about it because you might like reading it. I know I do.

Miscellaneous Activities

I bought a portable 60GB hard drive. I had been wanting one for a while and it was on sale. It's so impressive. It's smaller and lighter than many paperback books that I own. I considered buying something with more storage space, but they weren't on sale and I figured with the rapidly changing technology market, there will be something even better in a couple of years.

On Saturday night, I went to a club that was quite an experience. My friends wanted to go to this singles bar. They said it was always an entertaining show. I have to say that you haven't lived until you've seen sixty year old men and women trying to get their game on. There were the young women looking for their sugar daddies, the older women looking for something younger, and just a lot of men looking to score with whatever happened to be available. My particular favorite was this guy that had to be at least sixty, dancing with any woman that passed within 20 feet of his general direction. I don't think I've ever laughed that hard for that long in a good while.

I went to a seminar last week and learned that home foreclosures are on the rise (especially in major Texas cities like Dallas and Houston). This could be good news for first time home buyers in places like South Florida as they may actually be able to afford a home at a distressed sale, but good luck affording our ever increasing insurance prices.

It seems that practically every guy in my church classes was either in prison, a drug addict or both. I am really not sure what that says. It can often be just a wee bit unnerving, however.

Owning It

"Maybe we just shouldn't be friends."

The statement hung there in the still night air.

You could see the pain and anger spread across her face. How dare I say something like that? How dare I trivialize our friendship and use it as a bargaining chip in this debate? What the hell was wrong with me and why did I keep doing this? Sure the first time it had some shock value, but after the fourth or fifth time, it now only had the effect of angering her. But I wouldn't be dissuaded; I wasn't going to be tied to anyone that didn't act in accordance with my set of norms.

It wasn't until years later that I realized that it had been easier for me to distance myself from people than actually form relationships. It was the trick of my mind; I needed to be able to justify my reasoning for not wanting to be around the person so that I didn't have any internal conflict later. "They just couldn't handle being friends with me." It was easier to distance myself from the people that I cared about the most, as I had no reason to believe in the permanence of a relationship of any kind and spent so much of my time wondering when the person was going to leave. I was preemptive in nature. Everything in a relationship was a negotiation or a debate and nothing mattered more than achieving my desired outcome.

It was also my desperate need to control. The co-dependence had crept in before I even knew it. I needed to fix things. I needed to show people the err of their ways, but not in any manner that could possibly be considered healthy. Instead, I would use the friendship at the drop of the hat and not as a last resort; something reserved for that point where the person had so betrayed me that I could never trust them again. Besides, focusing on others gave me a diversion from focusing on myself.

"Let me take you to dinner."

Why was she taking me dinner? What did she want? I knew this game; no one does anything without expecting something in return. It was more than I could handle that someone just might want to do something nice for me just because we were friends. I wouldn't even be able to say "thank you", too frozen with confusion and embarrassment. I could take all the abuse in the world, I had grown up with it, but someone was actually nice to me and I immediately felt inadequate, undeserving, and really nervous. Receiving was never comforting for me because I always was wondering where the next hit was coming from. I could not relax in the moment. It was a tremendous internal conflict, in retrospect, as I desperately wanted that closeness and nearness of a relationship, but I couldn't actually experience it.

"Yeah ... I remember those days. I really didn't like them very much. I'm glad that you figured all of that stuff out."

"Yes, but it took years of therapy. If you had come to me back then and told me all of this, I would have argued with you and never would have believed you."

Note: This post is not meant to trivialize anyone's battle with any issue they may be facing. It's not even meant to encapsulate my entire journey or explain all of the underlying factors that I found to be contributing to my issues. Everyone is affected and impacted by things differently and one person's journey will not necessarily be another's. The most important aspect of the entire thing is starting it and trying to never be dissuaded from your ultimate goal.

"Be kinder than necessary, for everyone you meet is fighting some kind of battle."

State of My Blog

Several days ago someone posted an anonymous comment on my blog, which I subsequently deleted. Not because it was negative. In fact, this one was relatively nice, which is unusual from the land of anonymous. I deleted it because no matter how nice an anonymous comment is, it still annoys me that the person wouldn't even put their name down.

However, as I thought about it, there was something familiar about this comment. It inspired me to look through my blogger log and what I discovered led to the following discussion:

"What do you mean she's still reading your blog? I thought she hated you and never wanted to speak to you again."

"I guess her hatred for me only extended to my physical form - not the virtual."

"Well what are you going to do?"

"I don't know. I could move it or end it. I'm really conflicted about it. I have nothing against her, other than the fact that she totally abandoned our friendship ... frequently."

"She was very nice but she hurt you a lot, on a regular basis. It got to the point where it no longer was a question of 'if' but 'when'."

"Yeah, but in a good way."

*starring at me*

"Alright, she had her bad points, but she also inspired me without ever really knowing it. I'm not even sure how she did it exactly. Every day, the thing that I most looked forward to was our impending three hour conversation, which was sure to occur that night, in which I would hear all about her day and she would hear all about mine and we would pick on each other like 5 year olds. (Some would say 10, but I don't think we were ever that mature.) Somehow this helped me orient my thoughts, made me feel better, and inspired me to wake up the next day and do it all over again. My thoughts flowed freely. So many posts on my blog are owing to her - not because they relate to her but because she somehow inspired me to write them. Even if it was only by sometimes saying, 'You need to update your blog'. 'She'll bring out the best and the worst you can be.'"

"I think I'm going to be sick."

"Does that mean you don't want your fries?"

"Stay away from my fries, bitch."

"So I'm conflicted. I bear her no ill will, but at the same time, she left. She said, "Good luck" and never spoke to me again. I can't see why she would still be reading my blog and I don't see why she should be entitled to keep up with my life."

"Maybe she's curious. I'm sure you are curious about how she is. I mean, you clearly miss her, for some unimaginable reason."

"Right, but that's the point - it doesn't seem fair that she gets to walk away from me and still keep up on my life and I don't get to know anything about hers."

"It doesn't seem fair that we're having this conversation.... I suppose she always was a rather private person. Perhaps it's almost a perfect dream for her."

"You're really going to eat all your fries aren't you?"

Back for More

"So let me get this straight. This guy beat you, cheated on you with at least two women, is constantly critical of you and making you feel self-conscious, and you are worried about whether or not you look good enough to keep him?"

"When you put it that way, it sounds ridiculous."

"It is ridiculous. Have you ever considered going back out with your ex?" (He was arguably the nicest guy this girl ever dated, and from all accounts, was pretty attractive.)

"I couldn't date him again. And you know the really messed up thing?"

"There's more?"

"As jealous as I am, I really hope he meets someone because he deserves better. He's such a great guy."

"I think you've lost your mind. You're telling me you gave up the really nice attractive guy for the drug addict abusive cheating guy that treats you like crap? How the hell does that make any sense?"

"I'm hoping he'll change."

"Co-dependent."

"Shut up. My therapist said the same thing, but I'm over that now." Proof positive that therapy only works when you own up to yourself.

Odds and Ends

I had been looking for a solution to my dirty floor problem. The general problem was that I do not have enough floors that require mopping for me to pull out a mop and bucket, but I would still like to clean them - and not with a paper towel and spray bottle. The women in the room immediately suggested that I purchase a Swiffer Wet Jet. (I ended up getting it for half price through a series of interesting events.) I have to say that I absolutely love it.

I bought some storm preparation gear this weekend. Preparing for hurricanes is not the cheapest thing in the world, but we have a brief sales tax holiday for storm supplies in effect and I wanted to get them before the period expires. I'm not sure if I really *need* the supplies, as I will likely leave either immediately before or immediately after if we get hit, but better safe than sorry, in my humble opinion.

My neighbor wanted to go out with me last night. We were just going to go out and get a few drinks. Then I got this bizarre phone call from her. She wanted to coordinate plans, but felt the need to tell me some weird drama she had going on with an ex that is living with her. (I had known about the ex living with her, as I had seen her the week before and she explained that he had moved down to Florida for a woman and she dumped him. I thought that only happened to my misguided female friends.) I guess somehow her entire CD collection had gone "missing". How weird. In any event, she still wanted to go out, and was going to take a shower and we'd leave. I never heard from her again, and I don't think her car has moved all day. Hopefully, she's alive.

I write a lot. My friend used to be amazed at the amount I wrote in my blog. (Actually, she was fairly critical of it, but we just had different priorities - she cleaned more and I wrote more.) If she only knew how much of what I write never makes it anywhere but into journals, unsent emails, and letters. I think I am finally ready to buy that electronic journal that I blogged about so long ago. I keep trying to keep a paper journal, but it ends up spanning three different journals, as I just start writing in whatever I have handy at the time.

I am still studying religion, and I have to say the more books I read by academics, the more angry I become with my church and its classes. There are so many just blatant lies being taught in the classes. (Today, I was reading about the Dead Sea Scrolls.) I try not to talk about it too much on this blog because I do not want to turn this blog into a forum on religion. However, it is something that I am constantly thinking about and considering.

I may be volunteering with a Guardian ad Litem program down here - representing children and their rights. I did something very similar to this when I was still in law school, and I helped write the brief in a class action lawsuit against the State of Florida.

The Series Finale of Will & Grace really just annoyed the heck out of me.

There they had been best friends, told each other everything, and shared in each other's lives. Then all of a sudden, one day, they never speak again, for years. Even after they finally start speaking to one another again - wholly owing to the interference of Jack and Karen, they still don't make time for one another until their children are in college. How ridiculous is that?

In the age of emails and blogs, it would seem that the least they could have done was create a blog and let the other "accidentally" find out about it so that they would not have had to feel abandoned.

You Look Good in Blue

The public education system in Florida is fairly terrible. Other than a major university or two, our schools are in a very lack luster condition, which is only compounded by the mismanagement of our elected officials.

Back in late April, teachers in a few Florida counties, protested the state of our public education system by wearing blue. They are not allowed to strike, so I imagine this somehow seemed like the next logical alternative to them.

During the course of all of this, I went to see my little brother at his elementary school. We often play around in some classroom that reminds me of my youth. Not necessarily by choice, but more because one does not find many rooms in an elementary school that won't remind them of their youth. It was during this trip that I mentally drafted this post.

I stared about the room.

"A noun is a person, place or thing." Somewhere in that classroom, everyday, a future writer learned who Benjamin Franklin was; learned what Congress is; learned what The Cat in the Hat is; and, learned what Europe is. Someone learned about putting these objects into action with crazy things called "verbs", how to describe the actions with "adverbs", and how to describe the nouns involved with wonderful creations we like to call "adjectives". They were learning how to string these items together to construct sentences, and learning to apply these difficult concepts through interacting with one another. In short, they were being given the gifts and talants that they might one day use to write the next great American classic, speak to an auditorium filled with expectant fans, write a brief to the court, or just simply profess their love to the person that inspires them.

There were the pictures of American currency, a quarter, a dime, a nickel, and a penny. Everyday, children were being educated about the item that underlies so much of our society, and in the process, were also learning how to count, add, subtract, and divide. They were obtaining the skills that many of them will use to one day balance their checkbooks, create their budgets, and maybe, just maybe, balance our national budget.

The items strewn about the classroom were anything but random. They involved countless hours of thought by the person at the front of the room, as they tried to imagine what would be inspirational, what would help their students learn, what would make them not only succeed but excel. Meanwhile, balancing these thoughts with the pragmatic question of, "What can I actually afford on this budget?", and many of them deciding that budget or no budget, these items needed to be obtained, spending money out of their own wallets to create a learning environment for our children.

These nouns at the front of the room do not only impart knowledge, but help to shape the future of our culture and world. However, they remain wholly underappreciated in our society. As they spend the money from their own pockets, and give of their own time for these children, we ignore it. We keep them at the bottom of the pay scale because, after all, they're just nouns. However, these nouns hold some of the greatest hope for our society as a whole, as they shape young minds everyday. Young minds, which will one day shape our society, our social security administration, our tax system, our foreign policy, and our domestic policy. They shape the people that we will rely on to keep us safe, to process our money, to feed us, and to serve us.

To remind us of our underappreciation, some Florida teachers wore blue this week. Blue to remind us that they make a difference. Blue to remind us that they are important. Blue to remind us that the service that they provide will have a long and unimaginable impact on our society for years to come. Reminding us that they perform this thankless job, and give of themselves, everyday for practically nothing out of a sense of duty. If only there was more of that sense of duty throughout our country. However, how can there be when the very people being shaped and molded are educated by other nouns that these amazing duty bound people don't even deserve a decent salary; how can we inspire more people with this sense of duty when we do not reward the ones we have?

This week, some of the most important nouns in our society wore an adjective to remind us of our verbs.

Bulletproof

"I think she likes you."

"Probably."

"I think I could have just gotten the same amount of enthusiasm out of you if I had said she didn't like you."

"Probably."

"Oh, jeez. So what's wrong with this one?"

"I'm just not feeling it."

"You're too damn picky."

"Probably."

"So what exactly *are* you looking for?"

"I want someone that interests me, intellectually as well as physically. All of these women are very pretty and very nice, but they open their mouths and it's pretty much over. I want to be with someone I actually like talking to and spending time with; not in a relationship where I feel like it's a chore to communicate with the other person - something thrust upon me out of some sort of duty, or a necessary step to achieve an objective. Too often I hear people complaining about having to do this or that with their significant other. Heck, I've been one of those people. However, I want to be with someone that I enjoy being with, not with someone that I spend time with out of some bizarre sense of obligation. To be with someone that actually makes me enjoy being nice, romantic, and funny. Someone that understands me and who I understand fairly well, and someone who I love more than she loves me."

"Is that all?"

"Well if you could make here fairly attractive, that would be nice as well."

"So have you spoken to her?"

"No. I suppose it makes sense. When Darcy professes his feelings for Lizzy and she rejects him, he doesn't just hang around. He knew that was a fool's game, and nothing good would come of it."

"Oh, you've been reading again haven't you?

"Every now and again."

"I'm not sure you should go comparing yourself to Darcy. He was cold and reserved."

"Yeah, he generally wouldn't care if some silly woman liked him or if he had to leave her side upon her rejection. It wouldn't affect him at all because he just didn't care."

*blink*

"Well met, Mr. Darcy."

One More for the Road

This was one of my favorite pictures from my trip.

My Secret Identity

Your results:
You are Superman


You are mild-mannered, good,
strong and you love to help others.

Superman 100% Spider-Man 95% Green Lantern 85% The Flash 80% Batman 70% Wonder Woman 55% Robin 50% Supergirl 50% Iron Man 50% Hulk 35% Catwoman 30%

Click here to take the Superhero Personality Test

The Vice President Stole the Show

"You're married?!"

"Yeah, but it's ok. My wife doesn't have a problem with me talking to other women."

"You just asked me out on a date."

Clearly, he didn't see a problem with this either. Perhaps it was the alcohol or perhaps there was just something special about the night, we may never know, but things just kept getting better. The next logical thing to do, it seemed to him, was to have these women call his wife. The look on the girls' faces when one of this gentleman's children (likely not more than six) answered the phone was positively priceless and only slightly less amusing than the look on the man's face when his wife hung up on him.

The best thing about guys like that, is I look absolutely fantastic when compared to them, and suddenly I had the attention and affection of not less than four women, and a great story to blog about the next day.

He later tried to explain himself, as the entire female population of the room turned on him (word travels fast). I don't think he saw it coming before it was already upon him, but the greatest part was how incredulous he was that these women could possibly be annoyed with him.

"You have to understand what I do."

"Oh, we understand."

"No. I network. It's my job to meet people and make connections. It's all in the job description."

This guy was awesome. He had absolutely no moral compass, or if he did, it surely was not kicking in that night. The funny part was, I could still tell that there were at least a couple of women there thinking, maybe I'll call him later.

(Note: He's a Vice President for financial planning firm.)

Googling Relationships

I keep thinking about how Blogger could be even better. Don't get me wrong, I really like Bogger. In fact, I pretty much like anything and everything Google, as their free services often exceed any pay for service. For example, I like Google Calendar. I like that you can create multiple calendars under the same account, select which ones you want to view at once, how each one can be color coded, and how they can all overlay one another, for seamless integration. I like how people can share their calendars with one another and how those calendars can also be overlaid with your own. It makes scheduling and coordinating so much easier.

I love gmail. I love how its chat seamlessly integrates with the inbox, and how all of the messages relating to a particular subject are grouped together, negating the necessity of me having to hunt through my inbox and sent items folder trying to find the part of the dialogue that said something. I love how you can search your mail so quickly, and how you can set up specific rules for what you want to have happen with your incoming mails. For example, you can specify that if a particular person sends you an email, you want to be notified on your cell phone. I love that it automatically tells you when you have a new message in your inbox, without requiring you to click refresh, and that it integrates with the Google Calendar.

However, I still have several items that I feel could stand to be improved. For example, I would like Google Calendar to more seamlessly integrate with Gmail, and be able to send out particular emails on set dates. For example, if I have an anniversary on my Calendar, I would like Google Calendar to send out a Happy [insert celebratory thing here] to whomever on that date. I would like Blogger to have sorting categories, better email comment notifications (telling me which post a comment relates to), and I would like to see Google search added to every blog - so that people can search through their blogs more easily. I think it would also be nice to be able to browse through blogs based on geographic locations, interests, and the like.

The funny part is that I expect all of this from Google because it's always been so amazing. They set this high benchmark, and then they start making me expect it. This happens to me with people sometimes. You expect people to act in a particular way, to fulfill a certain role in your life. It's not a spoken thing, oftentimes. It's just an arrangement that has been arrived at over time. You know one another and you know what to expect from that person. Almost like a social contract. If one of you decides to change the rules of that relationship, there's a breach of contract and potential consequences. Will the relationship continue? Can you accept the change?

Sometimes the contract that we've created becomes inconvenient for us. Perhaps the person no longer likes being held to such a high standard or, as often happens with me, perhaps the person that relies on you for your honesty, no longer welcomes your honesty on a particular subject. It becomes a cost benefit analysis of is breaking this arrangement worth the potential consequences I will be exposed to.

North Carolina

North Carolina was different from Tennessee for a number of reasons. The most obvious was that I was no longer staying with someone that made me feel incredibly uncomfortable, and was instead staying with someone that I've been friends with for years. She was one of the countless people that used to let me practice my three hour massages on them, but she was also one of the only people that I felt comfortable enough with to use lotions and oils, and explore the art of a quality foot massage. I wouldn't be half as good as I am today without her ... well her, and the dance line, the cheerleaders, and all of the other women I gave random massages to.

I spent a good portion of my trip cooking. This may sound like a very odd thing to do while on vacation. However, it is one of the best ways for me to relax and feel like I'm contributing when I'm in a strange place. Some places I go to, I never feel this desire; this is generally owing to the fact that other people are always cooking around me and I am merely sharing in the fruits of their culinary labors.

However, cooking was not the extent of my activities while in North Carolina. I met cool people, had interesting religious discussions, went to a botanical garden, climbed 200 feet vertical along a nature trail and avoided the black snake on the other side, down the mountain. I sampled local beers and flavors, and met some really cute graduate students, as well as undergraduates. I must say that the cutest girl I met while there was a graduate student, but the cutest girl I saw was an undergraduate. I imagine the latter's exceptional good looks would have lasted until the liquor wore off or she opened her mouth, but I will never know.

The town I was in, Chapel Hill, is really quite a college town. So the population was waning by the time I got there, as most of the classes had finished. This made for fewer wild nights partying, but it also made for much smaller lines. It's give and take. I did find it to be a very cool place to visit, though, and the street system seemed to make a bit more sense than Nashville's.

Overall, it was a great trip and I made it through another year without any serious bodily injury.

It's in the Approach

"Wait. Isn't he the one that beat you?"

"Well, it wasn't that bad."

"Your friends had to call the police on him. He wouldn't stop hitting you. There was blood everywhere. He went to jail for it."

"Yeah, but he says he's changed."

"It's been a month."

It was at this point in the conversation that I realized I really just need to change my approach.

In my dating career, I have had a girlfriend or two leave me for someone else that ended up cheating on them or for a guy that ended up being abusive (sometimes an ex). I have watched numerous female friends fall into this trap with the guy that they are desperately trying to change, some intangible hope that things will be different. The most troublesome aspect of this for me has always been that the relationships these women have with these other guys last longer than the ones I experience with them. Somehow, I do not merit the time or energy that this other guy that treats them like crap warrants.

It also occurred to me that the less I care about a woman in a relationship, the longer they hang around. The more they seem intrigued and the more they want to "understand me", which makes sense given that I don't even care about them enough to let them get that close to me. However, the contradiction seems to be that if I am actually the guy that they seem to want me to be, the more likely they are to leave me.

Perhaps all those years I spent in therapy in hopes that I could avoid becoming my father were a waste, and I should have embraced his hostility towards women, as this seems to be the most alluring scent to a woman. Alas, it is too late to second guess such things. I am who I am, and I'd much rather be single for the remainder of my days than be in such a lasting dysfunctional relationship.

Tennessee v. North Carolina

The first segment of my trip is complete and I am now residing in the luscious green scapes that make up Chapel Hill, North Carolina. Somewhere during the course of this trip, I will celebrate a birthday too. I only hope that I am awake enough to enjoy it, but also capable of forgetting it if things go badly.

Nashville, was fun. My accommodations probably could have been better, as I was staying with a friend that makes me feel uncomfortable. I spent most of the time worrying about whether I was annoying her or if she was going to get mad at me for doing something like making her dinner. She's complicated that way. So it is somewhat of a relief to now be in North Carolina and with friends that I am more comfortable with. I also didn't really get to spend a lot of time actually catching up with her in any meaningful way so it helped to make me feel like more of a stranger in her house than a friend. However, I did get to see my best friend from Memphis, and we had fun.

I went to a bar that has over 200 beers on tap. I went to a couple museums, walked around a hell of a lot, got some reading done (by coincidence, I happen to be reading a religion book written by a UNC professor), visited Vanderbilt, went to a zoo, took lots of pictures, and really explored Nashville quite a bit. I have to say that I liked the city in a lot of ways, but I couldn't say that I really felt comfortable there. That may have had something to do with my aforementioned guest accommodations, or it may have had to do with the city itself. It's hard to gauge after only a few days there, but it didn't really feel like home, which is why when my friend said that her firm would likely hire me to replace her (as she is moving) if I wanted the job, I declined.

This was a very bold thing for me to say, as I have felt like I wanted to live in Nashville for years now, but I had never been there. Visiting for the first time, and being offered the very real chance of obtaining a good job there as well were fully unexpected events. However, I just wasn't feeling it, and the one thing I have learned over the years is sometimes you just have to go with your gut and all the rest be damned. I prefer not to have to make such snap decisions, but when confronted with these situations, my gut is my go to move. Hmmm, or perhaps I'm just hungry a lot.