The Empty Bar Stool

He stumbled across the room and sat down next to me. I had hoped that I had exuded that certain aura that screamed, "Unless you're a hot coed, stay the hell away from me," but unfortunately, my internal transmission tower must have been down or maybe there was interference, it's not quite clear. All that was clear was that the bastard was sitting next to me and now I lived with the silent terror that he might want to talk to me.

I considered moving across the room, or maybe just down the bar, but the remaining cast of characters looked equally unsavory and I doubted I would find a better spot. Besides, he might be a nice guy. Perhaps his unkempt exterior and beleaguered looking appearance masked the heart of poet and mind of a scientist. Perhaps his lecherous leers at all the women were just a front and he softly worried to himself and wanted nothing more than to find that right woman and settle down.

"Hey, baby, get me a beer." The words slurred out of his mouth, having trouble making their way around his teeth. Clearly, this guy was all heart. "Fucking broads. They never let up. Always complaining and complaining. Like I don't have enough of my own problems. Now I have to listen to theirs? And, of course, I'm always to blame. Like it's my fault for every damn thing that goes wrong in her day. They're ridiculous aren't they?" Startled, I suddenly realized he was attempting to make conversation with me.

"Yeah. Crazy, huh?"

Apparently, his only his mind and not his mouth had reached its limit, "Like it's my fucking fault that her car got stolen and the rent is late. I'm out there bustin' my ass every damn day and all she can do is complain and demand the money. She doesn't even put out any more." The words stumbled their way off his tongue. The fact that someone had ever slept with this man in the past was a testament to the either the power of alcohol or the desperation of women. "I just don't get women, you know?"

"Oh, I know. I know."

I maintained a hidden hope that the conversation could end abruptly and I could escape, but I could see it was useless - I was now his brother-in-arms and we were about to take on the entire female race for their crimes against mankind. I was sure we were about to embark on an entire discussion regarding the emasculation of men by these evil creatures. I needed to get the hell out of there before he decided we were going to be best friends for life. Fortunately, just when I thought it would never end, the Vogons came through and killed him.