This year, I feel like Christmas is like the holiday that will just never end. It seems every time I turn around, I still need to get a gift for someone. Most of this is resulting from the fact that my best friend and my girlfriend both have birthdays that fall within weeks of the Christmas holiday and also by the fact that some of my friends are impossible to shop for and the older they get, the more restrictions are in place.
"Maybe I'll get you a bottle of wine."
"I am not allowed to really drink very much anymore."
"Maybe some good food."
"Yeah, not allowed to really eat very much anymore either. I will be able to again after all this medical stuff is over, but for now, I really have a bland and limited sort of diet."
"Dude, you suck."
"Yeah, I know."
One of my friends is a Jehovah's Witness and all I can think is that she gets off so light, never having to worry about picking out gifts for all her family and closest friends. Great gobbly googly. However, I feel like if I did not have the holidays to remind me to get people gifts, I would forget and then people would say, "He never gets me anything."
However, the more I shop and the more my friends and I shop for one another, the more I get confused as to the point. My friends and I often ask one another how much we are going to spend on the other person. After all, we "need" to get the other person something comparable in value. One of my friends had a guy buy her a $50 item and she had only planned on giving him something small. An extended conversation between us ensued. More and more, I am failing to see the point of spending a lot of money on someone if all they are going to do is spend a similar sum on you. Would it not have been easier if we had gotten each other cards and said, "Go buy yourself something nice."?
Some will say that is not very thoughtful, but I feel like it's plenty thoughtful. I mean, you did pick out the card, right? And what's the difference between that and a gift card? I have been using my gift cards to buy gifts for other people. At first, my friends saw this as flawed - "Those cards are for you". Yes, I know. I am using them so that I do not have to spend my own money - that is using them for me. It is almost like a gift of cash, except not as good as cash because you actually have to use it at the store that the card is for. If you ask me, cash is plenty thoughtful. However, if my friend gives me $50 and I give them $50, what have we really achieved? Same thing, for me, when it comes to gifts. If my friend gets me $200 worth of gifts and I get that friend $200 worth of gifts, what have we really achieved, other than spending each other's money - in a more indirect way.
At the end of the day, I think it should be the thought that matters the most, which is why a card and maybe a small token should be sufficient for almost everyone concerned because this attempt to match everyone with equally priced gifts is giving me an enormous headache.
I can see gift giving for a couple people in your life, but all of them just seems excessive and a recycling of currency. Getting gifts for children makes sense, as they are not going to get gifts of an equal value for you, and because how else are they going to get that really cool overpriced toy. And, of course, with your significant other and maybe a friend or two, you may be able to pick out something sweet and thoughtful, but when all you are doing is telling the person what you want and having them go buy it for you so that you can go buy them a similarly priced object, what is the point.
"Maybe I'll get you a bottle of wine."
"I am not allowed to really drink very much anymore."
"Maybe some good food."
"Yeah, not allowed to really eat very much anymore either. I will be able to again after all this medical stuff is over, but for now, I really have a bland and limited sort of diet."
"Dude, you suck."
"Yeah, I know."
One of my friends is a Jehovah's Witness and all I can think is that she gets off so light, never having to worry about picking out gifts for all her family and closest friends. Great gobbly googly. However, I feel like if I did not have the holidays to remind me to get people gifts, I would forget and then people would say, "He never gets me anything."
However, the more I shop and the more my friends and I shop for one another, the more I get confused as to the point. My friends and I often ask one another how much we are going to spend on the other person. After all, we "need" to get the other person something comparable in value. One of my friends had a guy buy her a $50 item and she had only planned on giving him something small. An extended conversation between us ensued. More and more, I am failing to see the point of spending a lot of money on someone if all they are going to do is spend a similar sum on you. Would it not have been easier if we had gotten each other cards and said, "Go buy yourself something nice."?
Some will say that is not very thoughtful, but I feel like it's plenty thoughtful. I mean, you did pick out the card, right? And what's the difference between that and a gift card? I have been using my gift cards to buy gifts for other people. At first, my friends saw this as flawed - "Those cards are for you". Yes, I know. I am using them so that I do not have to spend my own money - that is using them for me. It is almost like a gift of cash, except not as good as cash because you actually have to use it at the store that the card is for. If you ask me, cash is plenty thoughtful. However, if my friend gives me $50 and I give them $50, what have we really achieved? Same thing, for me, when it comes to gifts. If my friend gets me $200 worth of gifts and I get that friend $200 worth of gifts, what have we really achieved, other than spending each other's money - in a more indirect way.
At the end of the day, I think it should be the thought that matters the most, which is why a card and maybe a small token should be sufficient for almost everyone concerned because this attempt to match everyone with equally priced gifts is giving me an enormous headache.
I can see gift giving for a couple people in your life, but all of them just seems excessive and a recycling of currency. Getting gifts for children makes sense, as they are not going to get gifts of an equal value for you, and because how else are they going to get that really cool overpriced toy. And, of course, with your significant other and maybe a friend or two, you may be able to pick out something sweet and thoughtful, but when all you are doing is telling the person what you want and having them go buy it for you so that you can go buy them a similarly priced object, what is the point.
I think the point of gift giving is that you should spend some time thinking about your friends and give gifts that you think they would enjoy, regardless of how much money you spend. This precludes giving gift cards or cash because it's akin to saying that you refuse to pick something out for that person, saying "I don't know you well enough to know what you like." No, it's not always easy to find the right gift, but it should be much more rewarding if you do. Note: This usually involves more planning than Christmas-Eve at the CVS.
ReplyDeleteAs for the $50-swap: What would happen if at the last second your friend said, "Psyche!" and gave you an empty card? Ok, perhaps your friends are too cool to still use '80s lingo, but at least by making the symbolic swap you've nominally adhered to the sentiment. The object of gift-giving is GIVING, with no expectation of receiving. That friends often set price limits is to avoid embarassment (upon receiving without giving), but should not necessarily set expectation of receiving.
(apologies for length)
Totally agree. My kindergartener just made a new friend, and in turn, I just made a new friend with his mom. I called her up and said, "So, this might be awkward, but is your kid planning on getting my kid a Christmas gift cuz your kid seems like the thoughtful kind of kid who might do that, and let's just not do that OK? And while we're at it, I know we like each other too, but let's not buy each other gifts either. I would rather us go out for a nice lunch or something than search for some meaningless scented candle for one another."
ReplyDeleteIt worked. ANd we're still friends.
Found you from Steph Klein.
"meaningless scented candle" -- the keyword being meaningless. Why would you intentionally buy somthing meaningless? Instead, buy something with meaning, though that might take some effort.
ReplyDeleteWow. I figured people would have differing opinions, but I didn't think it would lead anyone to comment twice. (This, of course, assumes that the same Anonymous person has in fact commented twice. You know, you can leave your name.)
ReplyDeleteI cannot speak for Manic Mom, but I think my point to you would be that it is not always that easy. Lots of people cannot select gifts for me and not for a lack of caring or trying. If you look through my archives, you will see that I once talked about a study that was done (I think by Harvard) that noted how bad people are at picking out gifts for others, often selecting gifts that they themselves would want.
If it really is the thought that counts, a card should be sufficient, especially if they come up with something nice to say in it. In my opinion.
If you think that a card is a sufficient gift for a friend, then it is indeed the thought that counts. My argument (though I should know better than to argue with a lawyer) is that I believe that there are some people for whom a card is not sufficient. If you and I were such friends, I might consider that a evening class in creative writing was an appropriate gift for you. Not because I think your writing sucks, but because I thought I remembered you expressing an interest in writing creative fiction and I filed that away in my mental rolodex. I would give you that gift in the hope that you would see it from my point of view, trying to remember and apply something personal about you, rather than you seeing it as just a 'thing' that you may or may not want.
ReplyDeleteIt isn't always easy, but I'm not arguing that it should be. Yes, we're all given gifts that we don't want or can't use. But I believe that for the thought to count requires some effort, lest it be as meaningless as previously suggested.
I don't disagree with Manic Mom's underlying philosphy, however I might have approached it a little differently: I'm sorry that I don't know you well enough to pick out a present that I think you'll like. Why don't we have lunch and get to know each other better... for next year?
I don't view it as an argument, merely your point of view, and one that I do not particularly subscribe to. However, I find it interesting, nonetheless.
ReplyDeleteGoing forward, a name (any name) will be appreciated. I have a habit of deleting anonymous comments. No offense.
Yes yes, 'point of view' is a much better term. The last thing I'll say on the subject is something I read not too long ago-
ReplyDeleteAlthough the word 'karma' literally translates to 'action' it is about much more than a persons deeds and applies as much to your current state of happiness as to your future. (read: belief in reincarnation isn't required.) Karma applies to words as well as thoughts, and it isn't just bad thoughts (or words or actions) that can come back to you. It can be clearly seen how negative thoughts can come back to you, affecting your well-being, if not accepted by those you wish to harm. Elevated heart-rate and blood-pressure are two obvious physiological symptoms of a frustrated mental attitude. Similarly, positive thoughts about those around you, if not received as intended, can come back to you for your own benefit perhaps manifested as a state of calm contentedness. Thus, there is no downside to wishing well those around you, for you will have increased the happiness of someone. It follows that gift-giving (if sincere and well-intentioned) similarly has no downside to you.
Wow, a move into Buddhist thought, as it applies to Christmas? Really, though, that does not seem a terribly good description of Karma from my readings regarding Buddhism.
ReplyDeleteBesides, your argument cuts against you, again implying it has to do with thought, and a great deal of sentiment and though can be associated with a card. Many of my friends value the card they receive above the gift.
Moreover, if gift giving leads one to have negative thoughts, using your logic, it would make more sense for the person to not give gifts and instead achieve happiness through not giving such transient and worldly items. Lest we forget, Buddhism and Christianity both teach us to stop trying to find happiness in transient, material things. I mean, if you want to go there.
(Ok, sucked back in...)
ReplyDeleteJust as the concept of karma isn't limited to Buddhism (it is also a component of Hinduism, Jainism and other eastern philosophies), gift giving isn't limited to Christmas. My paraphrasing of karmic thought is based on Chapter 9 of 'An Introduction to the Buddha and His Teachings' (ISBN 0760706360). Karmic philosophy isn't necessarily incompatible with Christian theology.
(Please note my distinction between cards and giftcards below: I define a giftcard as a cash-equivalent piece of plastic and a card as an expression of sentiment essentially devoid of material value.)
I don't believe my argument was against the giving of cards, but gifts such as giftcards or a cash-swap IN PLACE of the effort required to find a meaningful gift. You mention that your friends often appreciate the card over the gift. But you cannot control their reaction to your gift. If you spent a great deal of time and effort picking out a gift, YOU should feel good about giving it, regardless of how it is received. Admittedly, if you spent hours and hours and came up with either a card or a giftcard it is conceivable that you'd feel good about giving it. It is up to you to feel how you choose to feel, just as it is up to you to decide if you've put enough effort into giving a sincere gift.
Yes, a meaningful card can be an appropriate gift. Perhaps where we diverge on opinion is in the number of people for whom we are considering giving gifts. I do not have many people in my life with whom exchanging gifts is anticipated around the holidays. I hold your point to be MORE valid if one assumes a large number of acquaintances; coworkers for example. My perspective is that of a smaller, more tightly-knit group.
But I reject your earlier claim that "lots of people cannot select gifts for me". If these people SINCERELY give you a gift, it is a successful gift even if YOU don't recognize it as such. This is true because it should bring them altruistic joy in giving it to you. They cannot control your reaction to receiving the gift, so their good thought-karma should be returned to them and hopefully your reaction is not ill-intentioned towards them for giving you a gift that you don't appreciate (for your ill-intentions can come back to you as negative karma). However, you cannot know firsthand whether the spirit with which the gift is given to you is truly compassionate. It is therefore in your best interest to assume that it is sincerely given, accept good thought-karma, and choose to feel joy in receiving it. (Note: It is explained in the above reference that it is possible to receive good thought-karma even if the sender actually wished you harm. It is a discipline to be learned and practiced, akin to the Christian philosophy of 'turn and offer the other cheek.')
Neither Buddhism nor Christianity require their followers to forgo worldly items. Indeed, some sects within Christianity APPEAR to glorify worldly pursuits through prayer and while I might find this offensive it is no less valid to its followers. (In particular I'm thinking of televangelism here, though I admit I'm not a religious scholar and would prefer not to debate the merits or details of any particular sect, hence my emphasis on the word 'appear'.) What is generally discouraged (again, I am not a scholar) is excess and reliance upon worldly goods for happiness. That's a big difference from requiring all followers to become monks and nuns. Buddhism allows its followers to enjoy worldly goods and may even see them as the fruits of positive karma. (Reference: 'The Art of Happiness at Work' - ISBN 1573222615) It is clinging to possessions that is forbidden. I'm sure there is a Christian analog to this, but I do not have a reference. Gift giving should not lead one to have negative thoughts if the giver has the discipline to genuinely wish happiness upon the recipient.
Yes, but all of the religions you list have the same philosophy regarding worldly things. So, I still fail to see how it supports your point.
ReplyDeleteAgain, you miss the point that is is up to me whether or not to give a gift at all, and you tell me how I am supposed to feel about doing so and how I can feel good. You mistake your own emotions and stimuli for your own. Stop putting your feelings onto me.
You again seem to be applying certain religious principals in a vacuum and your very reference to them in the idea of gift giving, undercuts your entire point, as almost every mainstream religion would point to the fact that material items do not bring happiness. Moreover, you again tell people both how they should feel when giving and how I should feel with receiving. Stop telling people how they should act and feel. You cannot control these things.
I am really tired of having you tell me how I should feel or what I should say on *my* blog. So, this will be the last comment on the subject. I will close the comments section now.