Love Sucks

I know the few of you that still read my blog may be asking yourselves, "Where's J? What's he doing?" The simple answer to such questions would be, "fucking up my life with the speed normally reserved for bullet trains and shooting stars."

As some of you know, I met an amazing woman through this thing we call blog. She is beautiful, smart, funny, sweet, caring and everything I could want in a woman, plus she likes me too. I know you're all rejoicing and carrying on at this point, reveling in my new found bliss. Well, slow down a little here, folks. The drawback is that she lives about 2,000 miles away from me and I've only actually seen her twice. Granted, we have spoken on the phone for hours and hours on end. My voice has kept her company for six hour car rides, and comforted her in her sorrow, and I know her better than possibly anyone, but I have no idea what that makes us. Are we lovers? Are we friends? Are we dating? It all starts getting confusing and murky when I start throwing the hard questions out there.

Enter, stage left, Girl Number 2. She is cute, actually lives near me and, quite obviously, likes me. Maybe I should not be in a relationship with a woman that lives so far from me. Licensed professionals have repeatedly told me that long distance relationships are not real relationships. That they only truly become real when the two people are near each other and that closeness cannot be fostered by some phone calls. They would get tired of me avoiding real relationships by getting into long distance ones. I feared that maybe what I was doing was wrong. The promises from my long distance lover that she would move here and be near me in six months did nothing to assuage my guilt. Why would she be moving here now suddenly except for me? I could not handle that responsibility. What if things did not work out? What if she moved here and we broke up and she was alone in some state that she only moved to for me.

My friends were split on this other woman dillema, some saying: "Well, you've only met the girl twice. Granted, you've been talking for a little while, but that is not really enough. I think you should explore Girl Number 2. It is better that you know now than later." I did not know if I could do that. I would feel terrible. I would feel like I was violating a trust. I have never done anything like that. Then again, I normally date in my own zip code now and would normally not be in a full blown relationship so quickly - I would have explored this Girl Number 2 early on, figured it out and decided without all this doubt and angst. But wait, am I even in a relationship? God, this is so fucking confusing. What the hell am I doing? Other friends told me, "Well, you should probably not do anything with Girl Number 2 because you love the other one, but if you do fool around with Girl Number 2, just don't tell the other one." There's some advice, don't do it, but if you do do it, lie about it. I felt like a slimy politician was giving me the advice.

So being the stupid idiot that I am, I thought, "I will just talk to this other girl. I will tell her that I am already involved and that this just isn't going to work - that we can be friends, but nothing more. This will resolve things." (I have to see this girl every day, so resolution was important to me.) As we hugged goodbye, she kissed me and I kissed her back and I knew, right then and there, that I was in love with someone other than the woman I had just touched lips with. It was just about then that my entire universe collapsed in upon itself. I could not forgive myself for what I had done. I had had good motives. I had wanted to be sure. I had wanted to know for certain that I did not like this Girl Number 2. The last thing I would want is for more months to pass or for my lover to move down here, only for me to then realize that I don't love her or that I have feelings for someone else. This would have never happened if we had actually dated like I normally date now. Dammit. Why couldn't this just be easy? Why the hell did she have to live so far away? Why the heck did I have to meet this Girl Number 2 when things were still weird and new between my lover and I, instead of when things were established and settled.

All I ever wanted was a safe and stable relationship. Why the fuck did this have to be so hard? Why couldn't I have ...? It didn't matter anymore. It was done. Now I knew who I wanted. Now all doubt was cast aside, and now I couldn't even begin to forgive myself for what I had done. Even though, most of my friends agreed that I had not really done anything terribly wrong. Most of them still felt it was better that I did it now and know for certain than to constantly wonder about some random girl, and most of them still saw it as something that is normal in the beginning of a relationship. "You would normally be dating other people now still, making sure that this is the person you want to be with. Why the hell are you beating yourself up for this?" Of course, I also had a friend say, "I would breakup with you. I don't believe in dating multiple people ever." Then again, she doesn't believe in long distance relationships either so I don't suppose she would ever be in my position.

I confessed my wrongs to my lover. I couldn't bear to lie to her. I felt like a fraud or a charlatan, letting her believe that I was so wonderful when I had done this thing. She was stunned, but understood. She forgave me, with the understanding that it would never happen again. And yet, I cannot bring myself to forgive. I know that if the situation had been reversed, I would easily forgive her. I have even been in her situation, and quite easily forgave the woman I was with, knowing that long distance is weird and hard and wanting the woman I am with to be secure and confident in her decision that I am who she wants to be with. And then the questions start swirling in my head again, what the hell are we? Should I be in a relationship with her? Should we just be friends, let her carve out her life as she wants it, with or without me and then, if things work out and she decides she really wants to live in Florida, we look into dating then? Do I stay with her, accept her forgiveness, somehow find a way to forgive myself and move on, happier than ever because I now have resolution and closure on the only lingering doubt I had remaining?

I have no answer. The only answer I have is that I love this woman and I cannot imagine my days and nights without her, and I cannot imagine how I am going to forgive myself.