"I'll just sleep with her."
"No, you won't. I mean that's fine if you can do it, but I know you can't. You don't just have casual sex and you're just going to wind up hurting yourself."
She was right, of course. I didn't want her to be right, though. I wanted to be like every other guy out there - able to sleep with anyone without any attachment or regret. It was too late, though. Sex (and yes, I use Clinton's definition) always meant more to me. It always meant more to me for many reasons, not the least of which being that I always knew there was the chance of getting that person pregnant - of fundamentally changing at least two lives, and if I was going to do something like that, it had better be with someone I cared about. The more I tried to disprove her, the more I ended up hurting myself. It was all good in theory, but in application ...
(Yes. Yes. I know there is birth control. However, many women I have known have had bad reactions to birth control, and pretty much every woman I have ever known does not like the guy wearing a condom. It's funny because my health classes in school taught me that men would be the ones that wouldn't want to wear a condom. Besides, condoms can break, leak, or slip off. I knew a guy that had a second child that way.)
When I started teaching, I thought I would be the cool teacher. The one that was fun and joking, taught you a lot, gave real world examples, had great stories, and gave everyone A's at the end of the semester. However, it never happened. I knew it wouldn't work out the way I had envisioned, of course. I have too much respect for the law to just let people slide by. I'll try my best to give a student every opportunity, but if they can't pull it together enough to at least spot the issues - forget it.
It seems sometimes we tell ourselves things because we want them to be true.
"Oh, he'll stop drinking."
"I won't be like my parents."
"I will never have another cigarette."
Of course, these are things that we want. They are goals. However, in the back of my mind, I always know when I'm lying to myself. It's just not going to work out the way I predict. The problem is that not all the people listening to me as I'm talking can see this mental process occurring. This is a dangerous thing because it may lead some people to take all of my talking seriously. It leads them to come to incorrect conclusions because they never ask me to seriously consider the thought. Some of my closest friends know me well enough to step back and say, "Are you serious?" And others know me well enough to just call it for what it is - wishful thinking (bullshit).
"No, you won't. I mean that's fine if you can do it, but I know you can't. You don't just have casual sex and you're just going to wind up hurting yourself."
She was right, of course. I didn't want her to be right, though. I wanted to be like every other guy out there - able to sleep with anyone without any attachment or regret. It was too late, though. Sex (and yes, I use Clinton's definition) always meant more to me. It always meant more to me for many reasons, not the least of which being that I always knew there was the chance of getting that person pregnant - of fundamentally changing at least two lives, and if I was going to do something like that, it had better be with someone I cared about. The more I tried to disprove her, the more I ended up hurting myself. It was all good in theory, but in application ...
(Yes. Yes. I know there is birth control. However, many women I have known have had bad reactions to birth control, and pretty much every woman I have ever known does not like the guy wearing a condom. It's funny because my health classes in school taught me that men would be the ones that wouldn't want to wear a condom. Besides, condoms can break, leak, or slip off. I knew a guy that had a second child that way.)
When I started teaching, I thought I would be the cool teacher. The one that was fun and joking, taught you a lot, gave real world examples, had great stories, and gave everyone A's at the end of the semester. However, it never happened. I knew it wouldn't work out the way I had envisioned, of course. I have too much respect for the law to just let people slide by. I'll try my best to give a student every opportunity, but if they can't pull it together enough to at least spot the issues - forget it.
It seems sometimes we tell ourselves things because we want them to be true.
"Oh, he'll stop drinking."
"I won't be like my parents."
"I will never have another cigarette."
Of course, these are things that we want. They are goals. However, in the back of my mind, I always know when I'm lying to myself. It's just not going to work out the way I predict. The problem is that not all the people listening to me as I'm talking can see this mental process occurring. This is a dangerous thing because it may lead some people to take all of my talking seriously. It leads them to come to incorrect conclusions because they never ask me to seriously consider the thought. Some of my closest friends know me well enough to step back and say, "Are you serious?" And others know me well enough to just call it for what it is - wishful thinking (bullshit).
hey there. Sorry I've been a stranger lately. I've had lots of changes in my own life. Loss, death, job, friends and don't EVEN get me started on men - eh.
ReplyDeletehope you are well.
Sometimes we say things because we feel it at the time, sometimes we say things to make someone feel better about themselves, sometimes we say things that we mean at the time but then we change our minds milliseconds later. Sometimes I wish that our words held less weight than the actual situation in which we said them.
ReplyDeleteEnjoying your blog--found you through Stephanie.
PS--You sound very responsible and mature for a man. Are you a really unicorn?
I'm sorry to hear that, Sass. That totally sucks. I hope things imrpove for you.
ReplyDeleteLynn, I'll never tell. ;-) Thanks for reading.