One of my favorite scenes is from My Cousin Vinny.
Mona Lisa: Well I hate to bring it up because I know you've got enough pressure on you already. But, we agreed to get married as soon as you won your first case. Meanwhile, ten years later, my niece, the daughter of my sister is getting married. My biological clock is ticking like this and the way this case is going, I ain't never getting married.
Vinny: Lisa, I don't need this. I swear to God, I do not need this right now, okay? I've got a judge that's just aching to throw me in jail. An idiot who wants to fight me for two hundred dollars. Slaughtered pigs. Giant loud whistles. I ain't slept in five days. I got no money, a dress code problem, and a little murder case which, in the balance, holds the lives of two innocent kids. Not to mention your biological clock - my career, your life, our marriage, and let me see, what else can we pile on? Is there any more shit we can pile on to the to of the outcome of this case? Is it possible?
Mona Lisa: Maybe it was a bad time to bring it up.
Ever since college, every woman I have met has seemed to have some sort of "biological clock" issue; some desire to mate, have children and settle down before it is "too late". For some of these women this desire to procreate is the sole driving force behind them finding a man and getting married, not even caring who the man is at the end of the day so long as everything is in working order. However, for the life of me, I have never really understood this. In fact, not many men I know do. Perhaps it's because of the way we are raised, or maybe it's brain chemistry. One of my friends has suggested that it is because men can reproduce well into our sixties, and so it doesn't matter as much to us. (There's a quote to the effect in When Harry Met Sally, but it presently escapes me.)
Most men I know who are getting married or have gotten married never expressed any desire to settle down and have kids soon, before it becomes "too late". Generally, they describe marriage as something that they do or did to make her happy. It wasn't that they didn't want to get married. It's not that they do or did not love the woman that they are marrying or that they are married to. It simply was not as pressing of an issue to them as it was to her.
I went to a cocktail reception last night for estate and financial planners, and realtors. Quite a lively bunch, let me tell you. All I kept getting asked was, "So are you married?" and "Do you have any kids?" Where are all the young people in this profession? I felt like what a woman must feel when she attends a family reunion, only to be interrogated by her friends and loved ones about why she isn't married yet, and when is she going to have children.
Mona Lisa: Well I hate to bring it up because I know you've got enough pressure on you already. But, we agreed to get married as soon as you won your first case. Meanwhile, ten years later, my niece, the daughter of my sister is getting married. My biological clock is ticking like this and the way this case is going, I ain't never getting married.
Vinny: Lisa, I don't need this. I swear to God, I do not need this right now, okay? I've got a judge that's just aching to throw me in jail. An idiot who wants to fight me for two hundred dollars. Slaughtered pigs. Giant loud whistles. I ain't slept in five days. I got no money, a dress code problem, and a little murder case which, in the balance, holds the lives of two innocent kids. Not to mention your biological clock - my career, your life, our marriage, and let me see, what else can we pile on? Is there any more shit we can pile on to the to of the outcome of this case? Is it possible?
Mona Lisa: Maybe it was a bad time to bring it up.
Ever since college, every woman I have met has seemed to have some sort of "biological clock" issue; some desire to mate, have children and settle down before it is "too late". For some of these women this desire to procreate is the sole driving force behind them finding a man and getting married, not even caring who the man is at the end of the day so long as everything is in working order. However, for the life of me, I have never really understood this. In fact, not many men I know do. Perhaps it's because of the way we are raised, or maybe it's brain chemistry. One of my friends has suggested that it is because men can reproduce well into our sixties, and so it doesn't matter as much to us. (There's a quote to the effect in When Harry Met Sally, but it presently escapes me.)
Most men I know who are getting married or have gotten married never expressed any desire to settle down and have kids soon, before it becomes "too late". Generally, they describe marriage as something that they do or did to make her happy. It wasn't that they didn't want to get married. It's not that they do or did not love the woman that they are marrying or that they are married to. It simply was not as pressing of an issue to them as it was to her.
I went to a cocktail reception last night for estate and financial planners, and realtors. Quite a lively bunch, let me tell you. All I kept getting asked was, "So are you married?" and "Do you have any kids?" Where are all the young people in this profession? I felt like what a woman must feel when she attends a family reunion, only to be interrogated by her friends and loved ones about why she isn't married yet, and when is she going to have children.
I know. People are always asking me "Do you have a boyfriend?" and then looking at me with pity when the response is no. But you know what? I'm fine with it. I know who I am and what I want and I like myself. Most people my age can't say that. Although, every now and then, I do get that voice in my head saying "Thirty is just around the corner." But then I just tell it to shut up.
ReplyDeleteAnd the quote goes something like-
ReplyDeleteSally: It's different for guys. Charlie Chaplin had kids when he was eighty.
Harry: Yeah, but he couldn't pick them up.
Interesting to hear this from the male POV. I don't think I realized that guys get asked the same questions.
ReplyDeleteI'm beginning to lean toward the theory that (some, NOT all) married people are baffled (threatened?) by people who are single and happy with their lives unpartnered up. They can't imagine what another lifestyle than their own might be like and so they ask the same old question every time.
ReplyDelete(I really do only mean some married people. I know lots of cool married people. In fact, some of my best friends are married. Heh. Couldn't resist.)
i don't understand it either. like some people equate marriage with being successful in life.
ReplyDeletei love being married, but i get the same questions about kids. so what if i don't have kids, or maybe don't ever want kids? leave me alone. :)
and rebecca's right. my husband and i meet many married folk who seem bothered by the fact that we don't have kids - like they want us to suffer with them. hehe
For those looking to relieve the pressure of your biological clock ticking, I recently heard about a company called Extend Fertility (www.extendfertility.com). They help women take control of their biological clock using an egg freezing technology. I’m 35 and single and considering this procedure. It will allow me to save my eggs now, so I can use my healthier and younger eggs in the future when I’m ready to have a baby. Has anyone had their eggs frozen or know more about this?
ReplyDeleteActually, one of my close friends recently had this done to get her family off her back. It sort of helps to defeat that argument of, "You only have so many good years left." She recommends it.
ReplyDeleteIt's so interesting to read the male perspective. This is a great blog for that.. Good read!
ReplyDeleteSo, J, are you married? When are you planning on it? Don't you even have a girlfriend? You know, time's a ticking...when are you going to have kids??
ReplyDelete:)
And we wonder why the divorce rate is so high
ReplyDeleteI probably shouldn't admit it, but I'm one of the few guys who hears his biological clock. It may be true that men can father children into their 80s, but why on EARTH would I want that? What kind of relationship could I hope to have with a child at that age? So there's an upper limit there (both her and me). At the same time I can't imagine being able to relate to someone 10 or more years younger than me (heck, 5 is a stretch)- someone who hasn't had at least some of the life experiences I've had. So, for me at least, there's a lower limit as well.
ReplyDeleteI'll admit to the desire to settle down and have kids with someone who needs me as much as I need her. Settle down, yes. Settle, no.
I guess it doesn't make me very cool though, but it's easier for me to see/admit it, having experienced marriage and come close to having a child of my own.
Marriage is nice...being single is nice too.Depents on people and how do they feel with its of these situations. Used to know that women must get married young but nowadays, most of women do this step after 30's. For men, average age of married is risen. So...just be lucky with "marriage lottary".
ReplyDeleteI dont think theres anything wrong with being single. Its less complicated and less stressful.. who needs a boyfriend/girlfriend.. let alone a marriage! haha.
ReplyDeleteI have an answer to why (some) married people ask the questions they ask. It's the same reason that (some) people that are dating ask the same questions of their friends and of people they've never met. When you find happiness in a relationship, a happiness that you haven't experienced by being alone or through your career or any other avenue, you naturally want to share how good it has made you feel with others - carrying the message, if you will. "I found happiness here! Maybe you can too! What? You're not even TRYING?? Why not?!?" That was the way I felt, when I was still in the glamer of my last relationship and before I stopped trying to poke my nose too far into the lives of others.
ReplyDeletePeople are doing things differently now, is all. We're spending more time with ourselves, getting to know who we are, that we may find and have strong and lasting relationships with others. That or we're taking longer to get to that point because of our society's mantra for indulging oneself and pandering to oneself, which leads to spending excessive time in activities that detract from being able to just sit and be quiet with oneself and figure out who one is. That's the key to finding out who's good to spend one's life with.
Sometimes I think it was simpler, when marriages were arranged (in our society). In other societies, this is still practiced, and it has quite the success rate, despite how cruel or unfair it may seem to us. Like it or not, you two are going to be together. You may grow to love each other and you may not. The choice you don't have is whether you will have a life together. The choice you do have is what to make of that life together.
Biological clock indeed. I'm getting old enough now to feel the pressure of that clock, on where I am in my life and with my career and with my stability and where I am (not) with someone with whom I could have a family. It is something I want, and still something that I can see I'm not ready for, aside from the obvious reason of not yet having a partner. I'm definitely learning not to force anything, and to just let it come when it's ready. "You can't hurry love; No, you'll just have to wait." There's wisdom in them thar lyrics. Now if I could just get some lyrics to help me deal with my impatience...