I don't care how many times you hear it, it always seems easier until you do it. No matter how many you go through, they all suck. Suddenly, this person that you cared about and shared everything with is not a part of your life. All the whispers of love and forever and the like evaporate in the wink of an eye and you are left sitting there feeling as though you have just been kicked in the crotch saying "What the hell just happened?".
Is it really so terrible that I wanted to spend more time with her?
She says she loves me still and thinks about me often, but she just has too much going on in her life right now to work on our relationship. How does that happen? When did the relationship that is supposed to last the rest of your life become an after thought? The after dinner mint. Something to occupy yourself in-between working, sleeping, and eating.
I suppose it is all priorities, and some have different priorities than others, but I just don't see how the person that is supposed to be so important to you occupies such a low spot on your list. I also don't see how you love someone and care about them and miss seeing them, but don't put forth the effort of keeping them in your life. Maybe I am not supposed to understand it, but just accept it.
No matter how it all happens or the reasons for it, all you are really left with is the empty spot that is quickly filled with the rush of regrets. Eventually, from this you will take the memories and the experience.
Is it really so terrible that I wanted to spend more time with her?
She says she loves me still and thinks about me often, but she just has too much going on in her life right now to work on our relationship. How does that happen? When did the relationship that is supposed to last the rest of your life become an after thought? The after dinner mint. Something to occupy yourself in-between working, sleeping, and eating.
I suppose it is all priorities, and some have different priorities than others, but I just don't see how the person that is supposed to be so important to you occupies such a low spot on your list. I also don't see how you love someone and care about them and miss seeing them, but don't put forth the effort of keeping them in your life. Maybe I am not supposed to understand it, but just accept it.
No matter how it all happens or the reasons for it, all you are really left with is the empty spot that is quickly filled with the rush of regrets. Eventually, from this you will take the memories and the experience.
The memories, the experience, and the knowledge. Knowledge through the experience b/c they were able to show you that yes indeed, you are capable to have those feelings. It's a beautiful thing when well reciprocated.
ReplyDeleteThe after dinner mints always taste funny, guess that's why I bite them.
I'm sorry to put it this way, but it is the way things are. Permanence does not exist in this universe. Period. Priorities, feelings that go with those priorities, notions of forever that go with those feelings, persons that go with those notions of forever, priorities held by those persons. None of it is permanent. The way of nature and of the universe itself is change. The more energy we spend on resisting change, the more the world and everything in it changes around us. It is truly a gift, though, when someone wants to experience the changes of our own life with us, and when we want to experience theirs with them. And it is truly a blessing when both people can experience that desire throughout their lives. I think the change worth resisting, or working against, is to keep that desire from getting lost or changing along the way.
ReplyDeleteIt's not terrible that you wanted to spend more time with this person. She was deserving of your attention to begin with; change has just made it such that you are apparently not as deserving of hers as you were before. After dinner mint indeed. Just acknowledge that the relationship is a separate entity, one that she cannot or will not put as much effort into as into herself right now. Not even sufficient effort to sustain it. Keep that in mind as you decide how much of your own effort to put into this relationship, especially in the future. If you see or want a future for it. Also keep in mind that this vision and want are subject to change too.
As for those regrets...express them to her. Maybe not right now, but at least write them down, and forgive yourself for making them.
I agree with Sass too...even if that other person, or something about them, has changed such that they are no longer part of your life (or can no longer be part of it), your experience with that person is not diminished, because you know what you had, and what you felt, and so what you can have and what you can feel - and thus, what you seek.
And I'm sorry that things are not working out for you.
A book I recommend, to anyone suffering a loss...
http://www.mcwilliams.com/books/books/sur/
The one guarantee in life is that there are no guarantees. Enjoy something or someone for as long as you have it, but don't fool yourself with ideas of permanence. You'll only end up hurting yourself. It's time to focus on what you learned from this relationship and move on. Everything you go through makes you stronger.
ReplyDeleteNothing is permanent and everything is an experience. The object is to learn from each experience. Apparently you are an extremely emotional individual and cannot comprehend the difference in priorities that people have. Each person is different; emotionally, intellectually etc.and no one is perfect. It is all in the eyes of the beholder so perhaps the rose colored glasses should be removed so that you can move on with your life.
ReplyDeleteInteresting comments. I like Sass's the best. gretta's seems mean and bitter, and the anonymous one seems like a typical cliche.
ReplyDeleteI liked The Examiner's, and with the exception of a line or two, I agree with it.
WTF Gretta is pigeon holeing you. We are all emotional creatures by default. It's what separates humans from animals.
ReplyDeleteIt'll all work out J!
ReplyDeleteTypical cliche or not, you're not listening to the wisdom in it or else you'd be moving on already. Stop feeling so sorry for yourself...things could be alot worse.
ReplyDeleteI can sympathize with your situation but dwelling on it constantly will never enable you to move on. It's all good and well to say that things will get better as that is something that we all hope to happen, however, words of that measure will not assist you in moving on, and that is what you have to do. Instead of mollycodling with soft words, I told you "as it is". Apparently hearing the truth was too much for you to accommodate at this time which is indicative that you are not emotionally enough mature to proceed; you will just be content to reiterate instead of moving forward.
ReplyDeleteI truly wish you would heed my words; go through the healing process, which should not go on forever, and then move forward.
Gretta is a friend and new to blogging. I am too. Your sight intrigued us... sucks to break up. It hurts for a long time and then all of a sudden it clicks, it makes sense, you'll understand. Good luck in your journey. Cool site! Are there other cool sites out there you can refer us to?
ReplyDeleteEveryone had good comments and it seems the general agreement is for you to accept it's over and get on with your life. No one was being mean, but simply trying to help you face reality.
ReplyDeleteKiki, thank you. The Examiner, thank you.
ReplyDeleteGretta, I don't know what you're problem is. But I think Sass is probably right.
Anonymous, you did nothing but follow one cliche with another. Someow you think this is wisdom. It's not. It's just you reflecting your intelligence, or lack thereof.
Brittany, I have a links section. I'm sure you'll find more places you like as you go.
Tao, I think some people are more bitter than others, and I think I should be allowed a week or two before anyone calls it dwelling.
In other words, anyone that feels I'm dwelling - to take a line from Stephanie Klein - fuck off. (Although she may be more articulate with it.)
Oh, and as if I could forget, thank you, Sass.
ReplyDeleteHot damn! Look at all these comments! I am jealous of your fame. :)
ReplyDeleteThis was certainly an explosive subject and I enjoyed reading everyone's comments. I think everyone wanted to help J with their posts and hopefully J will feel that he has some support. One thing that didn't sit well with me was that I felt Anonymous's first post was well-intended and J was condescending with his reply about it being merely a cliche. If someone is trying to help you, J, it's not nice to brush their thoughts off in such a manner. Just an observation and keep the dialogue up!
ReplyDeleteFuck Off is fine..at least you're showing an emotion of anger rather than self-pity.
ReplyDeleteGretta, we all love your the devils advocate. It forces us to examine the overlooked yesterday. Please don't stop.
ReplyDeleteBig cyber hug!
Tao, I'm glad you feel that way. I feel that by being cliche and trite - as Anonymous was - you do nothing but brush the other peson's ideas and emotions aside, trivialize them, and try to minimize their feelings. What's worse is I find half the time cliches are wrong, and the ones that aren't often contain no actual substance. They are said by simple people that can't take the time to put any thought into what they were trying to say, and who don't take the time to think about what they are saying.
ReplyDeleteKiki, you crack me up. :-)
Wow - so many posts on one topic. After reading all of them, I cannot help but think that Kiki also uses cliches and doesn't really give any real comment yet she receives positive responses from J. All Kiki said was "It'll all work out", which in itself is a cliche... it's used when you have no good advice to offer but seemingly must maintain that forever positive outlook on life which makes one think a) that's just her personalty or b) that she is just going along for the ride and closer to the situation than any other random people where she may not want to give an opinion.
ReplyDeleteNot sure... But I do agree with Tao - regardless of the comment, I think most people want to help b/c almost everyone has been through the agony of breaking up and this is one topic that EVERYONE will have a definitive opinion on.
You were, are, and remain, welcome, J. You're also perfectly entitled to disagree with any or all of what I posted, as it neither enhances nor diminishes me or what I have to say.
ReplyDeleteI would like to venture a side thought on the 'cliches' that have been mentioned in the previous posts. Cliche is a word that usually means hackneyed, worn-out, trite, obvious, and other such things. If such messages were viewed in a light, or put under a label, that wasn't quite so, I don't know, negative? undesirable? and considered for the wisdom (common wisdom, granted, but wisdom no less) they embody, they might be better received. Whether the person the message was being relayed to wanted or needed to hear the message or not.
Incidentally, the message in this post is meant philosophically, and is not directed to anyone in particular. Just to be perfectly clear.
This really -was- an explosive topic, it seems! Great discussion.