You Should Read This

I started reading one of my books about codependency the other night. I think one of the problems with those books is they often discuss the severe cases or the cases that have, eventually, escalated out of control. Much like alcoholism, it's usually a progressive illness, worsening with time if left untreated. I felt like if I lent the book to one of my friends, they could easily shake it off and laugh, as it wouldn't really apply to them. After all, I don't have many friends dating alcoholics or drug addicts. I've had a couple, but they either grew out of it or eventually left the relationship, or we've lost touch. However, I know several codependents. In fact, in my life, I was often attracted to codependent women. I think it's probably because of the way I was raised. I felt that if maybe I shared one of their stories, it might have more of an impact.

In law school, I knew a girl named Liz. Liz was married to this guy named Fred. Liz was fairly unhappy about that fact. She really didn't like Fred. She didn't feel like he really understood her or the things that were important to her. She didn't feel that he was supportive of her in many ways and when she tried to talk to him about it, he usually made her feel like she was overreacting or being ridiculous. Liz couldn't leave Fred because she couldn't figure out anything that he really did wrong. He was a good provider. He made good money. He didn't beat her. Her family would never understand. And she constantly worried that it might be a mistake to leave. "What if he's the one I'm meant to be with?" She kept hoping Fred would either change or leave her.

Eventually, Liz had an affair and Fred found out about it. Liz figured Fred had to leave now. I mean, c'mon, she had been cheating on him. But Fred didn't want to leave. Fred cried and said he wanted to save their marriage. This caught Liz off guard. She explained that she didn't want to work on anything. She wanted a divorce. He wouldn't give her one. She said that she wouldn't stop sleeping with other men. He didn't care. He cried and begged and Liz decided she had to stay for a while. After all, she did love him and he was a nice guy. He really had always been the same guy. He just had never changed, or become the person she envisioned him being, despite all her efforts. Liz went home to see her family and they all confessed that they thought Liz had been unhappy for a while and that if she wanted to leave Fred, they fully understood. Fred said he wanted to have children. Liz changed her hair.

Liz started seeing a psychologist, a really good psychologist. Liz's psychologist diagnosed Liz as a codependent and he was pretty sure Fred was too. Liz couldn't leave Fred still. They'd fight and argue but she couldn't do it. She just didn't have it in her and she didn't know what her life would be like without a relationship. She had always had a man in her life.

Liz got offered a job far away. Her psychologist said that when she took the job, she should ask for a trial separation from Fred. "It doesn't have to be permanent. Just some time away so that you can truly assess your feelings about this relationship."

"Why do you look frightened?"

"I'm worried that if I do what you're asking, I'll never go back with him."

"From everything I know about you and everything you've told me, you won't, but you will actually need to complete the separation to make a rational and healthy decision. No contact for at least three months. None. If he respects you and loves you, he will give you this time."

Liz did it. It was the hardest thing she had ever done in her life. She walked away from Fred and moved, beginning her trial separation. It lasted all of three days.

Liz couldn't take it. She missed Fred. He wasn't that bad after all. And he did love her. I mean, he had stayed and he said he loved her. "He just doesn't understand how to make me feel loved. That's not his fault." Liz was still trying to make excuses for Fred and enable his behavior. It's what codependents do, and she had stopped therapy after she moved. Liz isolated herself from all of her friends, didn't return their calls, wouldn't go out with them and soon left town with Fred.

I recently spoke with a friend of Liz's, who occasionally speaks with her still. "I spoke to Lizzy the other day."

"How is she?"

"She's still miserable with Fred. Nothing in her life has changed one bit. They're the exact same couple they were years ago, maybe a little worse. I just don't get it. How could she be that miserable and still stay?"