"Wait. Isn't he the one that beat you?"
"Well, it wasn't that bad."
"Your friends had to call the police on him. He wouldn't stop hitting you. There was blood everywhere. He went to jail for it."
"Yeah, but he says he's changed."
"It's been a month."
It was at this point in the conversation that I realized I really just need to change my approach.
In my dating career, I have had a girlfriend or two leave me for someone else that ended up cheating on them or for a guy that ended up being abusive (sometimes an ex). I have watched numerous female friends fall into this trap with the guy that they are desperately trying to change, some intangible hope that things will be different. The most troublesome aspect of this for me has always been that the relationships these women have with these other guys last longer than the ones I experience with them. Somehow, I do not merit the time or energy that this other guy that treats them like crap warrants.
It also occurred to me that the less I care about a woman in a relationship, the longer they hang around. The more they seem intrigued and the more they want to "understand me", which makes sense given that I don't even care about them enough to let them get that close to me. However, the contradiction seems to be that if I am actually the guy that they seem to want me to be, the more likely they are to leave me.
Perhaps all those years I spent in therapy in hopes that I could avoid becoming my father were a waste, and I should have embraced his hostility towards women, as this seems to be the most alluring scent to a woman. Alas, it is too late to second guess such things. I am who I am, and I'd much rather be single for the remainder of my days than be in such a lasting dysfunctional relationship.
"Well, it wasn't that bad."
"Your friends had to call the police on him. He wouldn't stop hitting you. There was blood everywhere. He went to jail for it."
"Yeah, but he says he's changed."
"It's been a month."
It was at this point in the conversation that I realized I really just need to change my approach.
In my dating career, I have had a girlfriend or two leave me for someone else that ended up cheating on them or for a guy that ended up being abusive (sometimes an ex). I have watched numerous female friends fall into this trap with the guy that they are desperately trying to change, some intangible hope that things will be different. The most troublesome aspect of this for me has always been that the relationships these women have with these other guys last longer than the ones I experience with them. Somehow, I do not merit the time or energy that this other guy that treats them like crap warrants.
It also occurred to me that the less I care about a woman in a relationship, the longer they hang around. The more they seem intrigued and the more they want to "understand me", which makes sense given that I don't even care about them enough to let them get that close to me. However, the contradiction seems to be that if I am actually the guy that they seem to want me to be, the more likely they are to leave me.
Perhaps all those years I spent in therapy in hopes that I could avoid becoming my father were a waste, and I should have embraced his hostility towards women, as this seems to be the most alluring scent to a woman. Alas, it is too late to second guess such things. I am who I am, and I'd much rather be single for the remainder of my days than be in such a lasting dysfunctional relationship.
Thank god for your perserverence. The world is scary enough.
ReplyDeleteI don't know where you are picking up these women, but as for myself, I couldn't possibly see myself hanging around a guy only to understand his cruelty. Most women I know are drawn to men who really love them.
Women are stupid. It's like they don't know how to react to something good; they're so used to the negative.
ReplyDeleteBut then again, men are pretty dumb too, because, I'm awesome and guys ALWAYS go for the skanks or drama queens. Whatever.
It's 'dysfunctional'. Hmn. You post the most obseqious comments in S K's journal, I had to say how annoying they are. And um, maybe you are single because you write probably how you are..mincing, anesthetic and DULL. Christ. Just ..fussy. Ew. I'll be leaving now..
ReplyDeleteAnon ~ It's "obsequious", and if you think my comments on Stphanie's blog are bad, just wait until I get going. I can't believe you came all the way here to tell me this. I mean you could have said it on Stephanie's blog, or you could have commented on the most current post, so that more people could read it. Ahh, but I forget, you like to hide.
ReplyDeleteOne thing is for sure, I'm glad I'm not with you.
i am one of those dumb girls. i have to admit it. i don't like it. and i know why i am like that. it stems from my father being controlling. i guess back in my subconscious, i equate control with love. it's all i have ever really known. i definitely am not like that at work or with friendships, but i always wind up with controlling men. after all, i think the subconscious is what makes us fall in love. i am working on it, though. i don't think i want to change these men, and maybe some of it has to do with the chase and me not being ready to settle down.
ReplyDeleteit's not that i've never been attracted to hot and cold guys-the appeal of trying to "win" thier affection is undeniable. but you get treated like shit a couple of times and you start to prefer not crying yourself to sleep on a friday night, and you start to find that kind of courting bullshit deeply lame.
ReplyDeletethere are women like me that like smart funny, kind, good guys that like themselevs and treat me, the girlfriend, really really well. my boyfreind and i have been totally open from the begining, both of us obviously crazy about each other, both getting tons of enjoyment from being excellent to each other. by man and i have fun being awesome to each other. sappy, but true.